@president

Special Report From The Crack House

Today, we found this message sitting on Kiwi’s presidential desk, which appears to have been frivolously scrawled on a notepad. We eventually found Kiwi sitting behind said desk taking a nap, and now claims to be feeling “a lot better” now that he “got that out of his system”. However, we still feel that it’s in this website’s best interest if he stay in bed for a few days after whatever that was.

As part of our commitment to transparency, we have provided the full transcript of the message below for you to interpret.

“BASED ON THE HORRIBLE AND VILE WAIT TIMES PROVIDED BY THE UNITED STATES POSTAL SERVICE, I HAVE AUTHORIZED VICE PRESIDENT LATE TO IMPOSE SOME NEW BILL I JUST INVENTED WITHOUT ASKING OTHER PEOPLE IN ADVANCE BECAUSE THAT’S HOW THIS WORKS. THIS BILL WILL MAKE MY PANIC PLAYDATE CONSOLE ARRIVE FASTER, AND IT WAS SUGGESTED BY SECRETARY OF STATE AND PROPAGANDA ENGINEERRUNNER (GREAT GUY BY THE WAY, I SHOULD LOOK INTO UNBANNING THAT SOCIALISM ACCOUNT THE WOKE CROWD SCRUBBED) WHILE I WAS DRINKING COVFEFE. IT WILL MAKE EVERY SINGLE PLAYDATE IN THE WORLD ARRIVE FASTER!!!! YOU’RE ALL WELCOME THAT I AM THE WORLD’S SMARTEST HUMAN BEING NAMED KIWI!!!!! Now i am TOTALLY DESERVING OF A NOBEL PEACE PRIZE!!!!! THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER!”

Again, no idea what that was about, but hopefully he gets well soon and doesn’t do… that… again.

- Bob, The Crack House’s Janitor (was the only guy available to write this message)

SPECIAL REPORT FROM THE CRACK HOUSE

My fellow wasters of money, I am tired. Really tired. I want to take a nap. But justice does not sleep until it has delivered its regularly-scheduled address to the nation, so here we are.

1. On June 24, 2024, history was made. Late, full name latetheidiot, messaged me out of nowhere on the online communication platform known as “Discord” and delivered to me a PaRappa the Rapper 2 gameplay video for no reason. I, unaware of just how great this video was, merely responded with “thanks, i always wanted one of those!”, because I was foolish and stupid.

   Now I see the truth: This video deserves to be seen by the nation. Thanks to your voting for me and Late, this video can be enjoyed by future generations. I have carefully archived it on the online video sharing platform known as YouTube, which is definitely universally beloved and not embroiled in controversy right now. Enjoy! https://youtu.be/xGe03kmPYGM

2. One thing I failed to mention until towards the end of our campaign was that Late immediately followed up with an additional video that they claimed to have “recorded somewhat recently”. The floor is open to debate over which video is better. https://youtu.be/0KVb-KVzPqQ

3. Finally, a few days ago, I publicly asked the wasteof community to provide me with suggestions for how wasteof could be improved. Although this post received eight likes, nobody actually responded. LOL

   I’m running out of characters so that concludes this announcement. See ya soon!

My fellow wasters of money,

as your president, I am committed to hearing opinions from everyone on this website.

So, please, enlighten me: what can I do to improve the well-being of this website? What suggestions do you have? I can’t simply spend the entirety of my presidency fulfilling self-created goals and leave it at that, I wish to include all in this campaign.

And remember, ask not what wasting money can do for you; ask instead what you can do for wasting money.

- President @kiwi

SPECIAL REPORT FROM THE CRACK HOUSE

thanks to @da-ta for the logo :D

That time of the year is upon us again. The time when The Crack House remains committed to spreading the silliness, the whole silliness, and nothing but the silliness.

It is on this fine day that we would like to announce we have fulfilled some of our campaign promises:

1. @leaks’ identity has been kept secure. However, he has informed us that someone on wasteof is reading this update. Whether or not this is legit remains to be seen.

2. The National Anthem has been changed to Remix 10 from Rhythm Heaven Fever, a glorious work of sound design that we firmly believe encompasses the true mission of a money-wasting site.

3. This post contains three campaign promises (including this one), therefore fulfilling our plan to do what Valve doesn’t.

4. We can confirm to the nation that wasteof4 does, in fact, have features.

That concludes this update. Continue doing your duties as money wasters, and we will have more to share soon.

- President @kiwi

Thanks to efforts from departments like the Department of Transportation, wasteofland is slowly turning into wasteoftopia. We thank you for your contributions.

- President @kiwi

The 25-person cabinet of the KiwiLate Administration has been assembled.

Some of them have already started fulfilling their duties - @da-ta made a glorious remake of our administration’s branding without even being asked, and we’re extremely grateful.

@rayne has already provided the 7-day forecast, as head of the Weather Service.

We look forward to seeing more great - and of course silly - things from them throughout the year.

- President @kiwi

This account has been transferred to the KiwiLate administration. We’ll have more to share soon!

- President @kiwi

A message from @kiwi after winning the election:

This account is the official account of the next President of Wasteof.

This account will be transferred to the election winner on this Friday.