@president
Today, the KiwiLate administration is proud to announce that our drawing skills have advanced from “infant” to “preschooler”, as evidenced by this new presidential drawing of some of Vice President Late’s OCs made a day after the Websplorers Department ranked said OCs and also the smiling friends on a tier list.
Reporting on this newfound revelation, President Kiwi stated “See? I can draw a house and a flower and a car!!!!!!!”
Crack House Mini Report
As we conclude our winter break and begin 2026, we can now reassure the public that the Crack House is fully alive and well. To be perfectly clear, there was never a government shutdown going on here or anything - this whole time there was still one guy at the offices playing solitaire on his computer, so therefore we’ve been open this entire time.
Today, the KiwiLate administration announces that we’ll be conditionally permitting the sale of recreational and medicinal drugs for one person in particular - @burrito will now be able to freely acquire whatever goods he desires without any charges, so that he may continue to create the finest wasteof posts known to man. And if he was already doing that, which let’s be honest he probably was, then uh… I guess we’re just reiterating the status quo. Nothing to see here, move along.
You may ask, why? Simply put, burritoposting = profit = more money wasted. You’re welcome.
That concludes this mini kiwi geek report. We’re still at work fulfilling our ridiculous set of campaign promises and will be providing an update on those ASAP as possible.
kthxbye
We apologize, for we mistakenly published an unverified copy of our pamphlet instead of the one intended to make it to the press. I guess that’s what happens when your proofreading budget is more invested in wasting money instead of proofreading.
Below is the intended pamphlet.
I am extremely disappointed that the president spread false news about how to defeat vampires, while claiming it was verified by my education board. I would like to clarify that the true method to defeat vampires is to bite them first.
Today, the KiwiLate Education Board released this edutaining pamphlet on how to protect yourself from the statistically unlikely threat of vampires.
Today, the KiwiLate Education Board released this edutaining pamphlet on how to protect yourself from the statistically unlikely threat of vampires.
president’s log of australia: day 30/30
why i sure do love being in australia, i sure do hope nothing out of the ordinary happens on this particular day oh hey look is that a
SPECIAL REPORT FROM THE CRACK HOUSE
After a really long, boring, and drawn-out saga to catch the terrible individual responsible for murdering @tallpeter in cold blood, me and Late have successfully identified this blight on the wasteof community and would like to invite you to publicly shame them alongside us.
As it turns out, identifying the killer was not easy. We had to sift through a ton of the TallPeter files, some of which we shared with you officially and the rest was… graciously shared publicly by the Wasted Onion without our prior written permission, but we don’t really care. After all, they were just a few random government documents we had lying around, who cares if they get leaked?
Believe us, this was a tough case. The murderer made sure to leave no trace - except they accidentally did, so they didn’t really try that hard. On multiple occasions, our top investigators felt compelled to drop the case entirely, but after being promised more free meatball subs, they persisted.
And now I can finally reveal, after months of talking about this with seemingly no end in sight, that there is indeed a light at the end of the tunnel. The savage responsible for killing TallPeter in broad daylight is:
@ikilledtallpeter420.
I’m just as shocked as you all are, honestly. Of all the good, upstanding citizens on this website, the one that was arguably a saint up to this point chooses to go through with this unthinkable act.
Oh by the way, yes we made sure to dox them, and don’t worry, they are not hot. Next question.
We have moved ikilledtallpeter420 to KiwiLate Maximum State Penitentiary, and they are officially on death row. I will authorize our Executive Executor @adventuremase to fulfill his one job in a few short days soon, but until then you can feel free to shame this scum of the earth on this wasteof profile. Also, we’re letting you, the wasteof community, decide what ikilledtallpeter420’s last meal should be. I’m thinking an all-you-can-eat nutraloaf buffet… with a side of justice… but if you all want to give him a cake for some sick twisted reason, just make your voice heard on this post and the KiwiLate Kitchen Department will try to accommodate.
Here are some words from Late in regards to this milestone in detective work:
[We regret to inform that Late failed to respond for an interview in time for the publication of this document. They don’t call them Late for nothing, after all. We apologize for the inconvenience. Should they choose to respond, this document will be updated accordingly. - KiwiLate Proofreading and Waffle Distribution Department]
As for me, the president of wasteof dot money, I have been escorted by the KiwiLate Ok Fine We’re Just Making Up Departments Now department to the fastest economy-class plane they could find. Yes, after my unusually long leave of absence, I will finally be returning to the one sane place that is Wasteoftopia and fulfilling my normal obligations. They said this was for “safety” or some dumb new DEI woke thing. Unbelievable!
Thank you all for your support over the course of these past 30 days. I know you all were so worried about me and wanted an easily accessible lifelog because we all know the world revolves around me, but fear not, for KiwiLate, and its accompanying justice system, has returned in all its glory.
Sincerely,
The KiwiLate Administration.
P.S. Someone mailed a bunch of vinyl records to my home address and a ton of money mysteriously disappeared from my wallet over the course of this trip. What’s up with that?
P.P.S. Maybe now Late will finally draw that worm with sunglasses playing the saxophone. Maybe. MAYBE.
After conducting very diplomatic discussions, we at the KiwiLate administration are pleased to welcome @adventuremase as the Executive Executioner of wasteof.money. We can only hope he won’t use his newfound powers anytime soon. Congratulations!
New pieces of the TallPeter files have been released, and to be honest, we didn’t ask the Wasted Onion to do this, but it’s weird and unexpected just like real politics, so I say let’s run with it.
We’d like to clear up confusion, so let me clarify that we apologize for naming you as a suspect. This is a false accusation written by Bob, the Crack House’s ex-janitor, before he was replaced by @mef, who actually has a brain and would never write such blasphemy.
Anyways feel free to look at the TallPeter files now, and we’ll reveal the true author of the files after we’re done with an unrelated investigation into the security of our servers.
By The Wasted Onion: EXCLUSIVE: The Wasted Onion Has Acquired Documents Part Of The TallPeter Files
THE INTERNET—Ever since the beginning of the Kiwi-Late Administration, the TallPeter files have been at the top of the public political discussion across wasteof, with citizens demanding their release since President Kiwi pledged to do so at the beginning of his term. Today The Wasted Onion can reveal it has obtained CIA documents that are part of the TallPeter files. The files, known by many as the TallPeter files, are a large trove of documents pertaining to the assassination of 2025 wasteof presidential candidate and tall as hell dude TallPeter, who was shot near one of The Wasted Onion’s over 1.5 trillion headquarters. According to information provided by @Leaks, the files are a collection of documents created by the previous Auriali-Perrin Administration and the current wasteof government that catalogue the initial investigation all the way up to the current administration's efforts to track down the suspect who fled the scene. The documents are believed to be reports, memorandums, evidence lists, dossiers, email correspondences and fun trivia cards about the history of the taco. The partially redacted documents acquired by The Wasted Onion from an anonymous source wearing a Guy Fawkes mask are six pages from a top secret CIA Special Inquiry which was written by the CIA as a summary for the president of the current situation regarding the agencies investigation into finding the suspect who killed TallPeter, with autopsy details, photo evidence as well as hypotheses about potential suspects, with wasteof users such as @Thrat, @Owl, @Mef, @Burrito and more being named as suspects. The pages also contain a photograph shared by the president online of a handwritten shopping list, proving their legitimacy and how goddamn good we are at our jobs. Due to the sensitivity of these documents, The Wasted Onion Editorial Board has decided to release them recklessly, saying in a statement that “you only live once!” The Wasted Onion has reached out to the Crack House for comment on why the fuck they put us as a suspect, but have yet to hear back.
Please go to the comments of this post to find all 6 pages of the documents in full.
SPECIAL REPORT FROM THE CRACK HOUSE
You may recall that when I was elected president, I was committed to implementing roughly 28 presidential promises over the course of my administration. Unlike some real politicians, I’m a man of my word, so here we go:
The KiwiLate Food Department has installed extremely nutritious parmesean cheese generators, which will not only power factories, but also feed the hungry. Feel free to sprinkle some over your free waffles, I won’t judge. I mean, I will, but you won’t hear me judging you.
After selling 1 cent KiwiLate-branded waffles, all the proceeds have gone to the KiwiLate Think Tank, where a bunch of people sit around a table and decide the most effective ways to waste money. So we blew all the proceeds on ingredients to make more 1 cent KiwiLate-branded waffles. Revolutionary!
A few months ago, @9999 requested that every single wasteof user receive two “dollar.jpeg” images to do whatever you please with. To receive your two dollar.jpeg images, please ask in this post’s comment section and you shall receive.
You can like posts by tapping the little heart button below, but not everyone has those - like lawyers and business executives, for example. So consider this our official petition: @jeffalo can u pls change the heart to a
and also can it be a 
on thursdays ok thx bye
It looks like the dreaded character count has struck again. Maybe by our next post, Late will have drawn that worm with sunglasses playing the saxophone. Til next time!
Releasing The TallPeter Files - Phase 1
You may recall that a little while ago, I asked you, the people of wasteof, if I should release these files apparently addressed to TallPeter that I found under my desk. I gave the citizens the option to either release the files in the interest of transparency, or to burn them and then go after whoever wrote them.
The people have spoken, and it appears that the former is the preferred option. So, at long last, here is the cover of the TallPeter Files.
Unfortunately, whoever wrote them used some kind of irreversible censoring technique. The KiwiLate Military is in the process of decrypting the purged text - we’ll get back to you on that soon.
Phase 1 appears to be some kind of shopping list for various items, with varying levels of legality.
Now do not be deceived - we are not releasing these files to defame TallPeter. In fact, quite the opposite - we believe these files were written by an unrelated third party to frame him for being tall - which he was, so what was the point? We also believe this author is connected to TallPeter’s murderer. Releasing these files is an act of revenge on our part.
That is the entirety of Phase 1, unfortunately. The good news is, there’s more phases to come, so tracking down who shot TallPeter is not a cold case just yet. We’ll be sharing more info in the coming days - as soon as we figure out how to decipher whatever cryptic language Phase 2 was written in.
Haha, good one!
Anyways, we’ll be releasing the TallPeter files soon and revealing who’s behind them so we can all collectively go cancel them for trying to defame TallPeter.
Hello, my fellow Wasteofers! Since the president is trapped in this non-existent place called “Australia” and the vice president is no where to be seen: I, as your head of commerce, will enact phase one of my plan to take over this platform.
What is phase one?
It is the phase where I create the rest of this plan. But do not worry! I have concepts of a plan to restore order to this war-torn platform.
Crack House Mini Report
Generative AI is truly one of the most innovative experiments in recent memory. We at the KiwiLate Science Lab decided to delve into this exciting new field and are proud to announce two revolutionary new products:
KiwiAI is a Large Language Model that responds to whatever you ask him with a link to Google it instead.
LateAI does the same thing but adds a 5 second to 10 minute delay, hence the name.
We hope you enjoy using these exciting new products whenever they come out, which @leaks has confirmed will happen sometime within the next 1,000,000 years.
Crack House Mini Report
Tariffs. They suck. We all know they suck. And after having to spend an additional $15 to buy my Playdate about a month ago, I’ve realized that they suck.
So, I’m proud to announce - negative tariffs! They’re like tariffs, but negative. We’ll be enacting a -100% tariff on all movies produced outside Wasteoftopia so you can all be citizens of the world or whatever your guys’ newfangled term for it is.
Secondly, we’ll be enacting a -29.10% tariff on Kirk’s Lemon Squash soda from Australia. This is definitely something that will benefit you all and not just me feeding my addiction to Kirk’s Lemon Squash soda. Emphasis on “not just.”
And last, we’ll be enacting a -500% tariff on all Tim Hortons products, because my administration has heard from you all, and I fully agree - @ilovetimhortons too.
This is not the end of our reverse tariff endeavors - we at the KiwiLate Science Lab are always devising ways to waste (or gain) money.
Tune in soon for our next round of policy enactments. @leaks has confirmed that some policies might be enacted when this post is made.
- President Kiwi
CONFIRMED 
edit: oops wrong account you saw nothing
By The Wasted Onion: President Kiwi Signs Executive Order Mandating All Toilet Paper Must Use Over Orientation
THE INTERNET—Eagerly writing his name with a sense of purpose, wasteof President Kiwi signed an executive order Saturday mandating that all toilet paper be put on holders in the over orientation. “I am sick and tired of the constant bickering about what way toilet paper should be placed in a holder, it is dividing our nation and must be stopped. That’s why I am signing this executive order that will mandate all toilet paper be put in the over orientation from now on so we can put this ridiculous argument to bed,” said the president to the press composed of 1 reporter from The Wasted Onion called Greg. “To those who may disagree with me and feel that toilet paper should be in the under orientation; shut up. You’re painfully, insanely wrong. Just simply incorrect on every single level. You should be ashamed that you would even think that is the correct orientation.” Responses to the executive order was mixed, with wasteof users like @esben posting “hell yeah finally a president with some guts to deal with the real and important matters like toilet paper orientation!” while other users like @burrito posted “I don’t care I’m too busy gooning faster than a runaway train that derails and kills 20 
” At press time, wasteof owner Jeffalo responded to the executive order, saying “wait, since when did Kiwi actually have executive powers? I thought this whole president thing was a big joke?” before being carried away by Crack House security to be deported to “Hell on Earth,” also known as Birmingham.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @kiwi, thank you!
My fellow wasters of money,
So I found these files with tallpeter’s name written on them in this Oval Office drawer…
Should I release them in the interest of transparency, or should I shred them, then sue whoever wrote them for trying to defame the great tallpeter?
Because of democracy, I’m leaving the choice to you, wasteof community. Make me proud…
- President Kiwi