@president
Crack House Mini Report
Tariffs. They suck. We all know they suck. And after having to spend an additional $15 to buy my Playdate about a month ago, I’ve realized that they suck.
So, I’m proud to announce - negative tariffs! They’re like tariffs, but negative. We’ll be enacting a -100% tariff on all movies produced outside Wasteoftopia so you can all be citizens of the world or whatever your guys’ newfangled term for it is.
Secondly, we’ll be enacting a -29.10% tariff on Kirk’s Lemon Squash soda from Australia. This is definitely something that will benefit you all and not just me feeding my addiction to Kirk’s Lemon Squash soda. Emphasis on “not just.”
And last, we’ll be enacting a -500% tariff on all Tim Hortons products, because my administration has heard from you all, and I fully agree - @ilovetimhortons too.
This is not the end of our reverse tariff endeavors - we at the KiwiLate Science Lab are always devising ways to waste (or gain) money.
Tune in soon for our next round of policy enactments. @leaks has confirmed that some policies might be enacted when this post is made.
- President Kiwi
CONFIRMED 
edit: oops wrong account you saw nothing
By The Wasted Onion: President Kiwi Signs Executive Order Mandating All Toilet Paper Must Use Over Orientation
THE INTERNET—Eagerly writing his name with a sense of purpose, wasteof President Kiwi signed an executive order Saturday mandating that all toilet paper be put on holders in the over orientation. “I am sick and tired of the constant bickering about what way toilet paper should be placed in a holder, it is dividing our nation and must be stopped. That’s why I am signing this executive order that will mandate all toilet paper be put in the over orientation from now on so we can put this ridiculous argument to bed,” said the president to the press composed of 1 reporter from The Wasted Onion called Greg. “To those who may disagree with me and feel that toilet paper should be in the under orientation; shut up. You’re painfully, insanely wrong. Just simply incorrect on every single level. You should be ashamed that you would even think that is the correct orientation.” Responses to the executive order was mixed, with wasteof users like @esben posting “hell yeah finally a president with some guts to deal with the real and important matters like toilet paper orientation!” while other users like @burrito posted “I don’t care I’m too busy gooning faster than a runaway train that derails and kills 20 
” At press time, wasteof owner Jeffalo responded to the executive order, saying “wait, since when did Kiwi actually have executive powers? I thought this whole president thing was a big joke?” before being carried away by Crack House security to be deported to “Hell on Earth,” also known as Birmingham.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @kiwi, thank you!
My fellow wasters of money,
So I found these files with tallpeter’s name written on them in this Oval Office drawer…
Should I release them in the interest of transparency, or should I shred them, then sue whoever wrote them for trying to defame the great tallpeter?
Because of democracy, I’m leaving the choice to you, wasteof community. Make me proud…
- President Kiwi
Special Report From The Crack House
Today, we found this message sitting on Kiwi’s presidential desk, which appears to have been frivolously scrawled on a notepad. We eventually found Kiwi sitting behind said desk taking a nap, and now claims to be feeling “a lot better” now that he “got that out of his system”. However, we still feel that it’s in this website’s best interest if he stay in bed for a few days after whatever that was.
As part of our commitment to transparency, we have provided the full transcript of the message below for you to interpret.
“BASED ON THE HORRIBLE AND VILE WAIT TIMES PROVIDED BY THE UNITED STATES POSTAL SERVICE, I HAVE AUTHORIZED VICE PRESIDENT LATE TO IMPOSE SOME NEW BILL I JUST INVENTED WITHOUT ASKING OTHER PEOPLE IN ADVANCE BECAUSE THAT’S HOW THIS WORKS. THIS BILL WILL MAKE MY PANIC PLAYDATE CONSOLE ARRIVE FASTER, AND IT WAS SUGGESTED BY SECRETARY OF STATE AND PROPAGANDA ENGINEERRUNNER (GREAT GUY BY THE WAY, I SHOULD LOOK INTO UNBANNING THAT SOCIALISM ACCOUNT THE WOKE CROWD SCRUBBED) WHILE I WAS DRINKING COVFEFE. IT WILL MAKE EVERY SINGLE PLAYDATE IN THE WORLD ARRIVE FASTER!!!! YOU’RE ALL WELCOME THAT I AM THE WORLD’S SMARTEST HUMAN BEING NAMED KIWI!!!!! Now i am TOTALLY DESERVING OF A NOBEL PEACE PRIZE!!!!! THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER!”
Again, no idea what that was about, but hopefully he gets well soon and doesn’t do… that… again.
- Bob, The Crack House’s Janitor (was the only guy available to write this message)
Here’s some extra designs I made for the @Kiwi and @Late Administration. I liked the idea of the MacIntosh design and classic Apple look from the 90’s being put together alongside some more modern wallpapers from macOS and the classic “hello.“ style text, as well as a little hint of a glass effect to hint towards Apple’s new current design language of Liquid Glass. I also made a cute little monogram of the WasteIntosh Plus to be used as a little logo alongside the bigger, more realistic one. Even made a little announcement banner thing like I had when Auriali was president. Hope you like this very patriotic design! 
SPECIAL REPORT FROM THE CRACK HOUSE
My fellow wasters of money, I am tired. Really tired. I want to take a nap. But justice does not sleep until it has delivered its regularly-scheduled address to the nation, so here we are.
On June 24, 2024, history was made. Late, full name latetheidiot, messaged me out of nowhere on the online communication platform known as “Discord” and delivered to me a PaRappa the Rapper 2 gameplay video for no reason. I, unaware of just how great this video was, merely responded with “thanks, i always wanted one of those!”, because I was foolish and stupid.
Now I see the truth: This video deserves to be seen by the nation. Thanks to your voting for me and Late, this video can be enjoyed by future generations. I have carefully archived it on the online video sharing platform known as YouTube, which is definitely universally beloved and not embroiled in controversy right now. Enjoy! https://youtu.be/xGe03kmPYGM
One thing I failed to mention until towards the end of our campaign was that Late immediately followed up with an additional video that they claimed to have “recorded somewhat recently”. The floor is open to debate over which video is better. https://youtu.be/0KVb-KVzPqQ
Finally, a few days ago, I publicly asked the wasteof community to provide me with suggestions for how wasteof could be improved. Although this post received eight likes, nobody actually responded. LOL
I’m running out of characters so that concludes this announcement. See ya soon!
My fellow wasters of money,
as your president, I am committed to hearing opinions from everyone on this website.
So, please, enlighten me: what can I do to improve the well-being of this website? What suggestions do you have? I can’t simply spend the entirety of my presidency fulfilling self-created goals and leave it at that, I wish to include all in this campaign.
And remember, ask not what wasting money can do for you; ask instead what you can do for wasting money.
- President @kiwi
SPECIAL REPORT FROM THE CRACK HOUSE
thanks to @da-ta for the logo :D
That time of the year is upon us again. The time when The Crack House remains committed to spreading the silliness, the whole silliness, and nothing but the silliness.
It is on this fine day that we would like to announce we have fulfilled some of our campaign promises:
@leaks’ identity has been kept secure. However, he has informed us that someone on wasteof is reading this update. Whether or not this is legit remains to be seen.
The National Anthem has been changed to Remix 10 from Rhythm Heaven Fever, a glorious work of sound design that we firmly believe encompasses the true mission of a money-wasting site.
This post contains three campaign promises (including this one), therefore fulfilling our plan to do what Valve doesn’t.
We can confirm to the nation that wasteof4 does, in fact, have features.
That concludes this update. Continue doing your duties as money wasters, and we will have more to share soon.
- President @kiwi
Thanks to efforts from departments like the Department of Transportation, wasteofland is slowly turning into wasteoftopia. We thank you for your contributions.
- President @kiwi
the Wasteof Department of Transportation would like to announce some new changes that will be coming to road systems near you.
These include (but are not limited to):
The yellow lines on roads will be repainted in varying shades of blue.
We are partnering with the British DfT and the Canadian CTA in building a road across the Atlantic Ocean that will connect New York City, New York, USA, Nova Scotia, Newfoundland, and Southern England. It is hoped that this intercontinental bridge system will boost tourism in Nova Scotia, Newfoundland, and Southwest England. We are also partnering with various private companies to provide lodging, gas, and retail stores that will be needed for the 2000 mile long bridge. Suggestions for bridge names would be appreciated.
We are now instituting a $500+ fine for breaking DOT windows. A similar fine is pending, for graffitiing complaints on DOT walls. If you have complaints, please go to the WDOT website or comment on the WDOT account wall. Thank you.
To kickstart my position as Head of the Wasteof Department of Transportation, I would like to introduce Wasteof Departmental Anthems, or WDAs. The Wasteof Department of Transportation is proud to announce that our anthem is now Life is a Highway, specifically the version from Cars™ by Rascal Flatts. Links to the song are below.
https://open.spotify.com/track/5gB2IrxOCX2j9bMnHKP38i
https://music.apple.com/us/album/life-is-a-highway/1440667439?i=144
- @luckythecat, Department Head
The 25-person cabinet of the KiwiLate Administration has been assembled.
Some of them have already started fulfilling their duties - @da-ta made a glorious remake of our administration’s branding without even being asked, and we’re extremely grateful.
@rayne has already provided the 7-day forecast, as head of the Weather Service.
We look forward to seeing more great - and of course silly - things from them throughout the year.
- President @kiwi 
Kiwi 2025: A (potential) Government of Greatness
Featuring the following cool people as your (potential) Government of Greatness:
“@kiwi" – President
“@late” – Vice President
“@engineerrunner” – Secretary of State and Propaganda
“@toaks” – Treasurer
“@eris” – Defense
“@esben” – Attorney General
“@souple” – Agriculture
“@owl” – Commerce
“@chester” – National Intelligence
“@radi8” - Health
“@da-ta” - Design
“@wynd” - Housing
“@luckythecat” - Transportation
“@cheesewhisk3rs” - Energy
“@thrat” – Education
“@salad” – Homeland Security
“@noodle” – United Nations
“@mybearworld” – Chief Executive Chef
“@oren” - Foreign Affairs
“@wastedonion” - Town Crier
“@joseph-stalin” - Head of Soviet Russia
“@waffles” - Waffle Distribution
“@rayne” - Weather Service
“@han” - Hatch Department
“@jeffalo” – King
This account has been transferred to the KiwiLate administration. We’ll have more to share soon!
- President @kiwi
THE OFFICIAL ELECTION RESULTS:
@oren/@grunklebillsback: 42.4%, 28 votes
@the-owlsss/@radi8: 4.5%, 3 votes
@kiwi has won the 2025 wasteof Presidential Election!
