@president
New pieces of the TallPeter files have been released, and to be honest, we didn’t ask the Wasted Onion to do this, but it’s weird and unexpected just like real politics, so I say let’s run with it.
We’d like to clear up confusion, so let me clarify that we apologize for naming you as a suspect. This is a false accusation written by Bob, the Crack House’s ex-janitor, before he was replaced by @mef, who actually has a brain and would never write such blasphemy.
Anyways feel free to look at the TallPeter files now, and we’ll reveal the true author of the files after we’re done with an unrelated investigation into the security of our servers.
By The Wasted Onion: EXCLUSIVE: The Wasted Onion Has Acquired Documents Part Of The TallPeter Files
THE INTERNET—Ever since the beginning of the Kiwi-Late Administration, the TallPeter files have been at the top of the public political discussion across wasteof, with citizens demanding their release since President Kiwi pledged to do so at the beginning of his term. Today The Wasted Onion can reveal it has obtained CIA documents that are part of the TallPeter files. The files, known by many as the TallPeter files, are a large trove of documents pertaining to the assassination of 2025 wasteof presidential candidate and tall as hell dude TallPeter, who was shot near one of The Wasted Onion’s over 1.5 trillion headquarters. According to information provided by @Leaks, the files are a collection of documents created by the previous Auriali-Perrin Administration and the current wasteof government that catalogue the initial investigation all the way up to the current administration's efforts to track down the suspect who fled the scene. The documents are believed to be reports, memorandums, evidence lists, dossiers, email correspondences and fun trivia cards about the history of the taco. The partially redacted documents acquired by The Wasted Onion from an anonymous source wearing a Guy Fawkes mask are six pages from a top secret CIA Special Inquiry which was written by the CIA as a summary for the president of the current situation regarding the agencies investigation into finding the suspect who killed TallPeter, with autopsy details, photo evidence as well as hypotheses about potential suspects, with wasteof users such as @Thrat, @Owl, @Mef, @Burrito and more being named as suspects. The pages also contain a photograph shared by the president online of a handwritten shopping list, proving their legitimacy and how goddamn good we are at our jobs. Due to the sensitivity of these documents, The Wasted Onion Editorial Board has decided to release them recklessly, saying in a statement that “you only live once!” The Wasted Onion has reached out to the Crack House for comment on why the fuck they put us as a suspect, but have yet to hear back.
Please go to the comments of this post to find all 6 pages of the documents in full.
SPECIAL REPORT FROM THE CRACK HOUSE
You may recall that when I was elected president, I was committed to implementing roughly 28 presidential promises over the course of my administration. Unlike some real politicians, I’m a man of my word, so here we go:
The KiwiLate Food Department has installed extremely nutritious parmesean cheese generators, which will not only power factories, but also feed the hungry. Feel free to sprinkle some over your free waffles, I won’t judge. I mean, I will, but you won’t hear me judging you.
After selling 1 cent KiwiLate-branded waffles, all the proceeds have gone to the KiwiLate Think Tank, where a bunch of people sit around a table and decide the most effective ways to waste money. So we blew all the proceeds on ingredients to make more 1 cent KiwiLate-branded waffles. Revolutionary!
A few months ago, @9999 requested that every single wasteof user receive two “dollar.jpeg” images to do whatever you please with. To receive your two dollar.jpeg images, please ask in this post’s comment section and you shall receive.
You can like posts by tapping the little heart button below, but not everyone has those - like lawyers and business executives, for example. So consider this our official petition: @jeffalo can u pls change the heart to a
and also can it be a 
on thursdays ok thx bye
It looks like the dreaded character count has struck again. Maybe by our next post, Late will have drawn that worm with sunglasses playing the saxophone. Til next time!
Releasing The TallPeter Files - Phase 1
You may recall that a little while ago, I asked you, the people of wasteof, if I should release these files apparently addressed to TallPeter that I found under my desk. I gave the citizens the option to either release the files in the interest of transparency, or to burn them and then go after whoever wrote them.
The people have spoken, and it appears that the former is the preferred option. So, at long last, here is the cover of the TallPeter Files.
Unfortunately, whoever wrote them used some kind of irreversible censoring technique. The KiwiLate Military is in the process of decrypting the purged text - we’ll get back to you on that soon.
Phase 1 appears to be some kind of shopping list for various items, with varying levels of legality.
Now do not be deceived - we are not releasing these files to defame TallPeter. In fact, quite the opposite - we believe these files were written by an unrelated third party to frame him for being tall - which he was, so what was the point? We also believe this author is connected to TallPeter’s murderer. Releasing these files is an act of revenge on our part.
That is the entirety of Phase 1, unfortunately. The good news is, there’s more phases to come, so tracking down who shot TallPeter is not a cold case just yet. We’ll be sharing more info in the coming days - as soon as we figure out how to decipher whatever cryptic language Phase 2 was written in.
Haha, good one!
Anyways, we’ll be releasing the TallPeter files soon and revealing who’s behind them so we can all collectively go cancel them for trying to defame TallPeter.
Hello, my fellow Wasteofers! Since the president is trapped in this non-existent place called “Australia” and the vice president is no where to be seen: I, as your head of commerce, will enact phase one of my plan to take over this platform.
What is phase one?
It is the phase where I create the rest of this plan. But do not worry! I have concepts of a plan to restore order to this war-torn platform.
Crack House Mini Report
Generative AI is truly one of the most innovative experiments in recent memory. We at the KiwiLate Science Lab decided to delve into this exciting new field and are proud to announce two revolutionary new products:
KiwiAI is a Large Language Model that responds to whatever you ask him with a link to Google it instead.
LateAI does the same thing but adds a 5 second to 10 minute delay, hence the name.
We hope you enjoy using these exciting new products whenever they come out, which @leaks has confirmed will happen sometime within the next 1,000,000 years.
Crack House Mini Report
Tariffs. They suck. We all know they suck. And after having to spend an additional $15 to buy my Playdate about a month ago, I’ve realized that they suck.
So, I’m proud to announce - negative tariffs! They’re like tariffs, but negative. We’ll be enacting a -100% tariff on all movies produced outside Wasteoftopia so you can all be citizens of the world or whatever your guys’ newfangled term for it is.
Secondly, we’ll be enacting a -29.10% tariff on Kirk’s Lemon Squash soda from Australia. This is definitely something that will benefit you all and not just me feeding my addiction to Kirk’s Lemon Squash soda. Emphasis on “not just.”
And last, we’ll be enacting a -500% tariff on all Tim Hortons products, because my administration has heard from you all, and I fully agree - @ilovetimhortons too.
This is not the end of our reverse tariff endeavors - we at the KiwiLate Science Lab are always devising ways to waste (or gain) money.
Tune in soon for our next round of policy enactments. @leaks has confirmed that some policies might be enacted when this post is made.
- President Kiwi
CONFIRMED 
edit: oops wrong account you saw nothing
By The Wasted Onion: President Kiwi Signs Executive Order Mandating All Toilet Paper Must Use Over Orientation
THE INTERNET—Eagerly writing his name with a sense of purpose, wasteof President Kiwi signed an executive order Saturday mandating that all toilet paper be put on holders in the over orientation. “I am sick and tired of the constant bickering about what way toilet paper should be placed in a holder, it is dividing our nation and must be stopped. That’s why I am signing this executive order that will mandate all toilet paper be put in the over orientation from now on so we can put this ridiculous argument to bed,” said the president to the press composed of 1 reporter from The Wasted Onion called Greg. “To those who may disagree with me and feel that toilet paper should be in the under orientation; shut up. You’re painfully, insanely wrong. Just simply incorrect on every single level. You should be ashamed that you would even think that is the correct orientation.” Responses to the executive order was mixed, with wasteof users like @esben posting “hell yeah finally a president with some guts to deal with the real and important matters like toilet paper orientation!” while other users like @burrito posted “I don’t care I’m too busy gooning faster than a runaway train that derails and kills 20 
” At press time, wasteof owner Jeffalo responded to the executive order, saying “wait, since when did Kiwi actually have executive powers? I thought this whole president thing was a big joke?” before being carried away by Crack House security to be deported to “Hell on Earth,” also known as Birmingham.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @kiwi, thank you!
My fellow wasters of money,
So I found these files with tallpeter’s name written on them in this Oval Office drawer…
Should I release them in the interest of transparency, or should I shred them, then sue whoever wrote them for trying to defame the great tallpeter?
Because of democracy, I’m leaving the choice to you, wasteof community. Make me proud…
- President Kiwi
Special Report From The Crack House
Today, we found this message sitting on Kiwi’s presidential desk, which appears to have been frivolously scrawled on a notepad. We eventually found Kiwi sitting behind said desk taking a nap, and now claims to be feeling “a lot better” now that he “got that out of his system”. However, we still feel that it’s in this website’s best interest if he stay in bed for a few days after whatever that was.
As part of our commitment to transparency, we have provided the full transcript of the message below for you to interpret.
“BASED ON THE HORRIBLE AND VILE WAIT TIMES PROVIDED BY THE UNITED STATES POSTAL SERVICE, I HAVE AUTHORIZED VICE PRESIDENT LATE TO IMPOSE SOME NEW BILL I JUST INVENTED WITHOUT ASKING OTHER PEOPLE IN ADVANCE BECAUSE THAT’S HOW THIS WORKS. THIS BILL WILL MAKE MY PANIC PLAYDATE CONSOLE ARRIVE FASTER, AND IT WAS SUGGESTED BY SECRETARY OF STATE AND PROPAGANDA ENGINEERRUNNER (GREAT GUY BY THE WAY, I SHOULD LOOK INTO UNBANNING THAT SOCIALISM ACCOUNT THE WOKE CROWD SCRUBBED) WHILE I WAS DRINKING COVFEFE. IT WILL MAKE EVERY SINGLE PLAYDATE IN THE WORLD ARRIVE FASTER!!!! YOU’RE ALL WELCOME THAT I AM THE WORLD’S SMARTEST HUMAN BEING NAMED KIWI!!!!! Now i am TOTALLY DESERVING OF A NOBEL PEACE PRIZE!!!!! THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER!”
Again, no idea what that was about, but hopefully he gets well soon and doesn’t do… that… again.
- Bob, The Crack House’s Janitor (was the only guy available to write this message)
Here’s some extra designs I made for the @Kiwi and @Late Administration. I liked the idea of the MacIntosh design and classic Apple look from the 90’s being put together alongside some more modern wallpapers from macOS and the classic “hello.“ style text, as well as a little hint of a glass effect to hint towards Apple’s new current design language of Liquid Glass. I also made a cute little monogram of the WasteIntosh Plus to be used as a little logo alongside the bigger, more realistic one. Even made a little announcement banner thing like I had when Auriali was president. Hope you like this very patriotic design! 
SPECIAL REPORT FROM THE CRACK HOUSE
My fellow wasters of money, I am tired. Really tired. I want to take a nap. But justice does not sleep until it has delivered its regularly-scheduled address to the nation, so here we are.
On June 24, 2024, history was made. Late, full name latetheidiot, messaged me out of nowhere on the online communication platform known as “Discord” and delivered to me a PaRappa the Rapper 2 gameplay video for no reason. I, unaware of just how great this video was, merely responded with “thanks, i always wanted one of those!”, because I was foolish and stupid.
Now I see the truth: This video deserves to be seen by the nation. Thanks to your voting for me and Late, this video can be enjoyed by future generations. I have carefully archived it on the online video sharing platform known as YouTube, which is definitely universally beloved and not embroiled in controversy right now. Enjoy! https://youtu.be/xGe03kmPYGM
One thing I failed to mention until towards the end of our campaign was that Late immediately followed up with an additional video that they claimed to have “recorded somewhat recently”. The floor is open to debate over which video is better. https://youtu.be/0KVb-KVzPqQ
Finally, a few days ago, I publicly asked the wasteof community to provide me with suggestions for how wasteof could be improved. Although this post received eight likes, nobody actually responded. LOL
I’m running out of characters so that concludes this announcement. See ya soon!
My fellow wasters of money,
as your president, I am committed to hearing opinions from everyone on this website.
So, please, enlighten me: what can I do to improve the well-being of this website? What suggestions do you have? I can’t simply spend the entirety of my presidency fulfilling self-created goals and leave it at that, I wish to include all in this campaign.
And remember, ask not what wasting money can do for you; ask instead what you can do for wasting money.
- President @kiwi
SPECIAL REPORT FROM THE CRACK HOUSE
thanks to @da-ta for the logo :D
That time of the year is upon us again. The time when The Crack House remains committed to spreading the silliness, the whole silliness, and nothing but the silliness.
It is on this fine day that we would like to announce we have fulfilled some of our campaign promises:
@leaks’ identity has been kept secure. However, he has informed us that someone on wasteof is reading this update. Whether or not this is legit remains to be seen.
The National Anthem has been changed to Remix 10 from Rhythm Heaven Fever, a glorious work of sound design that we firmly believe encompasses the true mission of a money-wasting site.
This post contains three campaign promises (including this one), therefore fulfilling our plan to do what Valve doesn’t.
We can confirm to the nation that wasteof4 does, in fact, have features.
That concludes this update. Continue doing your duties as money wasters, and we will have more to share soon.
- President @kiwi
Thanks to efforts from departments like the Department of Transportation, wasteofland is slowly turning into wasteoftopia. We thank you for your contributions.
- President @kiwi
the Wasteof Department of Transportation would like to announce some new changes that will be coming to road systems near you.
These include (but are not limited to):
The yellow lines on roads will be repainted in varying shades of blue.
We are partnering with the British DfT and the Canadian CTA in building a road across the Atlantic Ocean that will connect New York City, New York, USA, Nova Scotia, Newfoundland, and Southern England. It is hoped that this intercontinental bridge system will boost tourism in Nova Scotia, Newfoundland, and Southwest England. We are also partnering with various private companies to provide lodging, gas, and retail stores that will be needed for the 2000 mile long bridge. Suggestions for bridge names would be appreciated.
We are now instituting a $500+ fine for breaking DOT windows. A similar fine is pending, for graffitiing complaints on DOT walls. If you have complaints, please go to the WDOT website or comment on the WDOT account wall. Thank you.
To kickstart my position as Head of the Wasteof Department of Transportation, I would like to introduce Wasteof Departmental Anthems, or WDAs. The Wasteof Department of Transportation is proud to announce that our anthem is now Life is a Highway, specifically the version from Cars™ by Rascal Flatts. Links to the song are below.
https://open.spotify.com/track/5gB2IrxOCX2j9bMnHKP38i
https://music.apple.com/us/album/life-is-a-highway/1440667439?i=144
- @luckythecat, Department Head