PRESIDENT KIWI “WHOOPSIES” OFF SHEER CLIFF FACE AND DIES
Early today, we received a second radio message from the survivors of the presidential plane crash. It contains grim news. According to the professional killer @adventuremase, our great president @kiwi “had a little whoopsie-daisy and just so happened to fall hundreds of feet down a cliff. We didn’t confirm he died but I mean c’mon.” Now, this reporter usually does not give opinions on matters such as these. However, I believe the implications of this are obvious: @toaks killed the president.
PRESIDENT KIWI REPORTEDLY ALIVE, TRAPPED ON ISLAND
After the tragic plane crash involving our president @kiwi yesterday, there seemed little hope of survival for the passengers. However, we have received a brief radio message from the survivors of the crash, @toaks, @adventuremase, and, thankfully, Kiwi. They have crashed on a strange deserted island, but they are alive. Kiwi commented on his companions briefly in the message; “I don’t know how I feel about being surrounded by a man defined by greed and a serial killer, but at least we all brought climbing shoes. See you at the PEAK!”
PRESIDENT KIWI MISSING IN ACTION
Late last night, disaster struck our great president @kiwi. Shortly after departing the airport on a charity trip with the national treasurer @toaks and the executive executioner @adventuremase, communication with the president’s plane stopped. Reports from shortly before communications cut suggests Toaks may have attempted to take control of the plane, with the intention of performing “a triple backwards barrelroll,” and immediately crashed the plane. We are currently working to re-establish communication with any survivors.
i am truly honored to hold this role. if anyone has any personal inconveniences they would like settled, you know who to call.
After conducting very diplomatic discussions, we at the KiwiLate administration are pleased to welcome @adventuremase as the Executive Executioner of wasteof.money. We can only hope he won’t use his newfound powers anytime soon. Congratulations!
