PRESIDENT KIWI RESURRECTED BY SERIAL KILLER; CONTINUES JOURNEY IN NAME OF CHARITY
Another snippet of news from the group of survivors: president @kiwi has been resurrected by the serial killer @adventuremase and is now dedicating his climb to charity. “Y’know, I didn’t plan on coming to this island, but the biomes here really, really suck. Which is why I’m dedicating this climb to the ‘DESTROY THE OZONE LAYER’ charity. If we can make this island go underwater, well, good riddance. What a hell hole. I’ve died twice here, which is a lot.” This reporter is glad to see @adventuremase lower his KD ratio with a revive. We received no news from @toaks, so we can only hope he got left behind during the climb.
PRESIDENT KIWI RESURRECTED; SUBSEQUENTLY ATTACKED BY TERRORIST AND KILLED AGAIN
Once again, we have received a small amount of news from the survivors currently on the deserted island. To our shock, this radio message was sent from the president @kiwi, who was suspected to be killed by @toaks only a few days ago. “Hi guys, it’s Kiwi here, I got resurrected a little bit ago and thought I would tell you so you don’t replace my position in government with someone unfit for it, like a serial killer or something idk.” His statement of his new health was quickly cut off by an unknown person. However, the radio message was accompanied by this picture. Though it is only speculation on this reporter’s part, it is clear that Toaks has killed Kiwi a second time.
ADVENTUREMASE ELECTED TEMPORARY PRESIDENT WHILE ADMINISTRATION GRAPPLES WITH THE FIVE STAGES OF GRIEF
Shortly after the news of the president’s death was delivered yesterday, the administration met to elect a replacement for the late and great president @kiwi. They made the tearful decision to appoint @adventuremase, who is currently stranded on a deserted island in a tropical part of the North Atlantic Ocean, as the president. The administration took the rest of the day off as they fought with the fact Kiwi will never come back. Adventuremase briefly radioed in a response to this news: “Can someone get them a box of tissues? Anywho, this is a tough role to carry, but I believe I can avenge Kiwi. I can’t believe that @toaks definitely, totally killed him. Toaks was shooting sleeping darts at me, so he must have committed many treasonous crimes while I was knocked out.” We can only hope the remainder of the climb proves too difficult for Toaks.
PRESIDENT KIWI “WHOOPSIES” OFF SHEER CLIFF FACE AND DIES
Early today, we received a second radio message from the survivors of the presidential plane crash. It contains grim news. According to the professional killer @adventuremase, our great president @kiwi “had a little whoopsie-daisy and just so happened to fall hundreds of feet down a cliff. We didn’t confirm he died but I mean c’mon.” Now, this reporter usually does not give opinions on matters such as these. However, I believe the implications of this are obvious: @toaks killed the president.
PRESIDENT KIWI REPORTEDLY ALIVE, TRAPPED ON ISLAND
After the tragic plane crash involving our president @kiwi yesterday, there seemed little hope of survival for the passengers. However, we have received a brief radio message from the survivors of the crash, @toaks, @adventuremase, and, thankfully, Kiwi. They have crashed on a strange deserted island, but they are alive. Kiwi commented on his companions briefly in the message; “I don’t know how I feel about being surrounded by a man defined by greed and a serial killer, but at least we all brought climbing shoes. See you at the PEAK!”
PRESIDENT KIWI MISSING IN ACTION
Late last night, disaster struck our great president @kiwi. Shortly after departing the airport on a charity trip with the national treasurer @toaks and the executive executioner @adventuremase, communication with the president’s plane stopped. Reports from shortly before communications cut suggests Toaks may have attempted to take control of the plane, with the intention of performing “a triple backwards barrelroll,” and immediately crashed the plane. We are currently working to re-establish communication with any survivors.
i am truly honored to hold this role. if anyone has any personal inconveniences they would like settled, you know who to call.
After conducting very diplomatic discussions, we at the KiwiLate administration are pleased to welcome @adventuremase as the Executive Executioner of wasteof.money. We can only hope he won’t use his newfound powers anytime soon. Congratulations!
