FINALE: PART 2/2
STRAIGHT FROM PRESIDENT KIWI: “WE GET TO VISIT THE ISLAND AFTER ALL!”
News on the @kiwi situation today comes from the helicopter which rescued Kiwi, along with @toaks and @adventuremase, only minutes ago. All of them, including Toaks, are reportedly in good health after climbing through a volcano. What a shame. Kiwi commented on his rescue; “We get to visit the island after all!” When asked to elaborate, Kiwi claimed to be good friends with “the guy every president knows, right? We all know Jeff. He’s chill like that. Where did you think I was going with the guy who embezzles funds and the serial killer?” This reporter is disappointed to hear that there is only one serial killer among this party, since it seemed pretty clear Toaks should join that group. I also wish good luck to Kiwi on his extended vacation.
FINALE: PART 1/2
SERIAL KILLER DIES BRUTAL DEATH; HELL DEEMED “TOO GOOD” FOR SERIAL KILLER, SENT BACK TO KIWI’S PRESENCE INSTEAD
Two radio messages arrived today; one from the survivors, reporting on their situation. Survivor @toaks reported that both @kiwi and @adventuremase were not only on death’s doorstep multiple times today, but they both crossed the threshold into the afterlife once each. “Yeah, I used my quick thinking and the tools I had fashioned during this trip to bring back both kiwi and adventuremase like, twice. I was a little worried that the magic I sacrificed my own life force for wouldn’t help me save them, but I managed to pull through and get them both back on their feet. Man, that tornado sure was a close call. I’m awful glad Kiwi is okay, I liked him as president.”
The other correspondence we received is from the lord of Hell, Satan. He claimed that he sent back Adventuremase to the land of the living because “Hell is far too good of a place for someone like this.” To be blunt, I cannot believe that Toaks and Satan are in cahoots with each other, plotting against both Adventuremase and Kiwi. I rarely wish for an enemy's downfall, but Toaks is an exception. The rescue team which was dispatched to the president’s location has finally pinpointed where the group of survivors are, and they should be saved soon. God, I hate Toaks.
Contrary to what I said yesterday, we’ve decided to release the last few parts of this bit later tonight. We were going to keep doing this for two more days, but we’re not having fun anymore and want the story to be complete.
Will share special thanks afterwards and then regularly scheduled kiwi/late/mase/toaksposting will return
PRESIDENT KIWI RESURRECTED BY SERIAL KILLER; CONTINUES JOURNEY IN NAME OF CHARITY
Another snippet of news from the group of survivors: president @kiwi has been resurrected by the serial killer @adventuremase and is now dedicating his climb to charity. “Y’know, I didn’t plan on coming to this island, but the biomes here really, really suck. Which is why I’m dedicating this climb to the ‘DESTROY THE OZONE LAYER’ charity. If we can make this island go underwater, well, good riddance. What a hell hole. I’ve died twice here, which is a lot.” This reporter is glad to see @adventuremase lower his KD ratio with a revive. We received no news from @toaks, so we can only hope he got left behind during the climb.
PRESIDENT KIWI RESURRECTED; SUBSEQUENTLY ATTACKED BY TERRORIST AND KILLED AGAIN
Once again, we have received a small amount of news from the survivors currently on the deserted island. To our shock, this radio message was sent from the president @kiwi, who was suspected to be killed by @toaks only a few days ago. “Hi guys, it’s Kiwi here, I got resurrected a little bit ago and thought I would tell you so you don’t replace my position in government with someone unfit for it, like a serial killer or something idk.” His statement of his new health was quickly cut off by an unknown person. However, the radio message was accompanied by this picture. Though it is only speculation on this reporter’s part, it is clear that Toaks has killed Kiwi a second time.
ADVENTUREMASE ELECTED TEMPORARY PRESIDENT WHILE ADMINISTRATION GRAPPLES WITH THE FIVE STAGES OF GRIEF
Shortly after the news of the president’s death was delivered yesterday, the administration met to elect a replacement for the late and great president @kiwi. They made the tearful decision to appoint @adventuremase, who is currently stranded on a deserted island in a tropical part of the North Atlantic Ocean, as the president. The administration took the rest of the day off as they fought with the fact Kiwi will never come back. Adventuremase briefly radioed in a response to this news: “Can someone get them a box of tissues? Anywho, this is a tough role to carry, but I believe I can avenge Kiwi. I can’t believe that @toaks definitely, totally killed him. Toaks was shooting sleeping darts at me, so he must have committed many treasonous crimes while I was knocked out.” We can only hope the remainder of the climb proves too difficult for Toaks.
PRESIDENT KIWI “WHOOPSIES” OFF SHEER CLIFF FACE AND DIES
Early today, we received a second radio message from the survivors of the presidential plane crash. It contains grim news. According to the professional killer @adventuremase, our great president @kiwi “had a little whoopsie-daisy and just so happened to fall hundreds of feet down a cliff. We didn’t confirm he died but I mean c’mon.” Now, this reporter usually does not give opinions on matters such as these. However, I believe the implications of this are obvious: @toaks killed the president.
PRESIDENT KIWI REPORTEDLY ALIVE, TRAPPED ON ISLAND
After the tragic plane crash involving our president @kiwi yesterday, there seemed little hope of survival for the passengers. However, we have received a brief radio message from the survivors of the crash, @toaks, @adventuremase, and, thankfully, Kiwi. They have crashed on a strange deserted island, but they are alive. Kiwi commented on his companions briefly in the message; “I don’t know how I feel about being surrounded by a man defined by greed and a serial killer, but at least we all brought climbing shoes. See you at the PEAK!”
PRESIDENT KIWI MISSING IN ACTION
Late last night, disaster struck our great president @kiwi. Shortly after departing the airport on a charity trip with the national treasurer @toaks and the executive executioner @adventuremase, communication with the president’s plane stopped. Reports from shortly before communications cut suggests Toaks may have attempted to take control of the plane, with the intention of performing “a triple backwards barrelroll,” and immediately crashed the plane. We are currently working to re-establish communication with any survivors.
We apologize, for we mistakenly published an unverified copy of our pamphlet instead of the one intended to make it to the press. I guess that’s what happens when your proofreading budget is more invested in wasting money instead of proofreading.
Below is the intended pamphlet.
I am extremely disappointed that the president spread false news about how to defeat vampires, while claiming it was verified by my education board. I would like to clarify that the true method to defeat vampires is to bite them first.
Today, the KiwiLate Education Board released this edutaining pamphlet on how to protect yourself from the statistically unlikely threat of vampires.
Today, the KiwiLate Education Board released this edutaining pamphlet on how to protect yourself from the statistically unlikely threat of vampires.
president’s log of australia: day 30/30
why i sure do love being in australia, i sure do hope nothing out of the ordinary happens on this particular day oh hey look is that a
SPECIAL REPORT FROM THE CRACK HOUSE
After a really long, boring, and drawn-out saga to catch the terrible individual responsible for murdering @tallpeter in cold blood, me and Late have successfully identified this blight on the wasteof community and would like to invite you to publicly shame them alongside us.
As it turns out, identifying the killer was not easy. We had to sift through a ton of the TallPeter files, some of which we shared with you officially and the rest was… graciously shared publicly by the Wasted Onion without our prior written permission, but we don’t really care. After all, they were just a few random government documents we had lying around, who cares if they get leaked?
Believe us, this was a tough case. The murderer made sure to leave no trace - except they accidentally did, so they didn’t really try that hard. On multiple occasions, our top investigators felt compelled to drop the case entirely, but after being promised more free meatball subs, they persisted.
And now I can finally reveal, after months of talking about this with seemingly no end in sight, that there is indeed a light at the end of the tunnel. The savage responsible for killing TallPeter in broad daylight is:
@ikilledtallpeter420.
I’m just as shocked as you all are, honestly. Of all the good, upstanding citizens on this website, the one that was arguably a saint up to this point chooses to go through with this unthinkable act.
Oh by the way, yes we made sure to dox them, and don’t worry, they are not hot. Next question.
We have moved ikilledtallpeter420 to KiwiLate Maximum State Penitentiary, and they are officially on death row. I will authorize our Executive Executor @adventuremase to fulfill his one job in a few short days soon, but until then you can feel free to shame this scum of the earth on this wasteof profile. Also, we’re letting you, the wasteof community, decide what ikilledtallpeter420’s last meal should be. I’m thinking an all-you-can-eat nutraloaf buffet… with a side of justice… but if you all want to give him a cake for some sick twisted reason, just make your voice heard on this post and the KiwiLate Kitchen Department will try to accommodate.
Here are some words from Late in regards to this milestone in detective work:
[We regret to inform that Late failed to respond for an interview in time for the publication of this document. They don’t call them Late for nothing, after all. We apologize for the inconvenience. Should they choose to respond, this document will be updated accordingly. - KiwiLate Proofreading and Waffle Distribution Department]
As for me, the president of wasteof dot money, I have been escorted by the KiwiLate Ok Fine We’re Just Making Up Departments Now department to the fastest economy-class plane they could find. Yes, after my unusually long leave of absence, I will finally be returning to the one sane place that is Wasteoftopia and fulfilling my normal obligations. They said this was for “safety” or some dumb new DEI woke thing. Unbelievable!
Thank you all for your support over the course of these past 30 days. I know you all were so worried about me and wanted an easily accessible lifelog because we all know the world revolves around me, but fear not, for KiwiLate, and its accompanying justice system, has returned in all its glory.
Sincerely,
The KiwiLate Administration.
P.S. Someone mailed a bunch of vinyl records to my home address and a ton of money mysteriously disappeared from my wallet over the course of this trip. What’s up with that?
P.P.S. Maybe now Late will finally draw that worm with sunglasses playing the saxophone. Maybe. MAYBE.
After conducting very diplomatic discussions, we at the KiwiLate administration are pleased to welcome @adventuremase as the Executive Executioner of wasteof.money. We can only hope he won’t use his newfound powers anytime soon. Congratulations!
New pieces of the TallPeter files have been released, and to be honest, we didn’t ask the Wasted Onion to do this, but it’s weird and unexpected just like real politics, so I say let’s run with it.
We’d like to clear up confusion, so let me clarify that we apologize for naming you as a suspect. This is a false accusation written by Bob, the Crack House’s ex-janitor, before he was replaced by @mef, who actually has a brain and would never write such blasphemy.
Anyways feel free to look at the TallPeter files now, and we’ll reveal the true author of the files after we’re done with an unrelated investigation into the security of our servers.
By The Wasted Onion: EXCLUSIVE: The Wasted Onion Has Acquired Documents Part Of The TallPeter Files
THE INTERNET—Ever since the beginning of the Kiwi-Late Administration, the TallPeter files have been at the top of the public political discussion across wasteof, with citizens demanding their release since President Kiwi pledged to do so at the beginning of his term. Today The Wasted Onion can reveal it has obtained CIA documents that are part of the TallPeter files. The files, known by many as the TallPeter files, are a large trove of documents pertaining to the assassination of 2025 wasteof presidential candidate and tall as hell dude TallPeter, who was shot near one of The Wasted Onion’s over 1.5 trillion headquarters. According to information provided by @Leaks, the files are a collection of documents created by the previous Auriali-Perrin Administration and the current wasteof government that catalogue the initial investigation all the way up to the current administration's efforts to track down the suspect who fled the scene. The documents are believed to be reports, memorandums, evidence lists, dossiers, email correspondences and fun trivia cards about the history of the taco. The partially redacted documents acquired by The Wasted Onion from an anonymous source wearing a Guy Fawkes mask are six pages from a top secret CIA Special Inquiry which was written by the CIA as a summary for the president of the current situation regarding the agencies investigation into finding the suspect who killed TallPeter, with autopsy details, photo evidence as well as hypotheses about potential suspects, with wasteof users such as @Thrat, @Owl, @Mef, @Burrito and more being named as suspects. The pages also contain a photograph shared by the president online of a handwritten shopping list, proving their legitimacy and how goddamn good we are at our jobs. Due to the sensitivity of these documents, The Wasted Onion Editorial Board has decided to release them recklessly, saying in a statement that “you only live once!” The Wasted Onion has reached out to the Crack House for comment on why the fuck they put us as a suspect, but have yet to hear back.
Please go to the comments of this post to find all 6 pages of the documents in full.
SPECIAL REPORT FROM THE CRACK HOUSE
You may recall that when I was elected president, I was committed to implementing roughly 28 presidential promises over the course of my administration. Unlike some real politicians, I’m a man of my word, so here we go:
The KiwiLate Food Department has installed extremely nutritious parmesean cheese generators, which will not only power factories, but also feed the hungry. Feel free to sprinkle some over your free waffles, I won’t judge. I mean, I will, but you won’t hear me judging you.
After selling 1 cent KiwiLate-branded waffles, all the proceeds have gone to the KiwiLate Think Tank, where a bunch of people sit around a table and decide the most effective ways to waste money. So we blew all the proceeds on ingredients to make more 1 cent KiwiLate-branded waffles. Revolutionary!
A few months ago, @9999 requested that every single wasteof user receive two “dollar.jpeg” images to do whatever you please with. To receive your two dollar.jpeg images, please ask in this post’s comment section and you shall receive.
You can like posts by tapping the little heart button below, but not everyone has those - like lawyers and business executives, for example. So consider this our official petition: @jeffalo can u pls change the heart to a
and also can it be a 
on thursdays ok thx bye
It looks like the dreaded character count has struck again. Maybe by our next post, Late will have drawn that worm with sunglasses playing the saxophone. Til next time!