getting upset and spinning a wheel about what to blame it on…. maybe today it is my period maybe its my developing brain maybe its the slight inbrededness maybe its the mental condition i got from my mother that is like. pretty much confirmed. maybe its the trenches ive been thru in the last two years, maybe im overwhelmed because of school. maybe i dont write enough. maybe i write too much. maybe i think too much or possibly too little. maybe its my phone maybe its drinking water out of a plastic bottle maybe its the fact ive only watched one movie this week
i kind of dont want to post art on scratch and i kind of dont want to here either but i kind of dont want to get an art focused social until my parents let me so like. 2093. thats when ill post art again
the qualm of overexaggerating your likes or interests online to stand out and identifying yourself by them and feeling like you arent being yourself for it and then spending more time offline and being less passionate about your interests and likes and then feeling like you arent being yourself for it
looking up my oc’s name on spotify to find his discography to add those songs to my playlist of songs he would sing #intelligent
geometry is so easy (pre geometry) why cant i always do this (if its pre geometry) this is so fun (this being pre geometry)
i’m not even sure love is real anymore. my parents, who always said they were in love and it never changed and now my father says he wants a divorce, wants us gone, and my mother’s love for him has changed since everything, they thought that God intended someone just for you but what if you just end up in the time and place. maybe its just human choice. maybe people just feel they really love someone and its true because that person loved them back . maybe people only love others because of influence , after all it seems unlikely that so many people’s true love would be the same race as them, in the same country, speaking the same language. i’m not saying God cant change and move those barriers, but i dont think everyone who says they’re in love is, truly.
i miss september 2023 #whoknewmethen #justsnxithinkunlesssomeoneelseissecretlyfollowingmeonwomwhoiknowfromscratchinwhichcasewhat??
i kind of havent been writing in my diary recently because i have been too tired so enjoy all these longer posts hah. they’ll end soon when i finally have my two week summer break LOLL
maybe its ok i spelt some things wrong, and maybe its ok i said some things that werent true, or arent anymore. maybe it hasnt completely changed your perception of me, i hope. maybe its ok i turned out the way i have, and maybe ill change again before the end. maybe we’re all just people who shift, and melt to the day. maybe you would have done the same.
please dont hate me, i beg of you. please dont hate me for what i said or what i thought i felt. please dont hate me for what i didnt say, and kept inside. please remember me for a week longer, and dont forget me when leaves start to fall. please think of me again, in ten years when you see my name, or what i called myself. please think of me again when you see the things i used to define myself, and think of a time i made you laugh.
please do this all, and maybe i wont fade from familiarity . maybe you’ll think of something i said in twenty years, and please dont remove from how much i loved you. maybe you’ll wonder if i sit there the same as you, remembering the past, and please know i do.
(lowkey maybe just a vent post i now realize,,)
my brother said ‘i have a strained relationship with my father too, so i know how you feel” when i complained about my father literally going insane with nothing showing up on ct or mri and it just being unexplained and my father who literally taught me from kindergarten, who was there all the time my mother worked, who i am nearly a carbon copy of, who taught me all of my personality, my humor, all my education, most of my values, most of my interests, literally going insane before my eyes, saying hes a man he isnt, calling himself by another name, saying there are demons all around him, saying we’re demons, hitting me when hes never ever done anything remotely like that in his life to me, making my mother cry, saying he wanted a divorce even though shes supposedly the love of his life, hitting nurses and techs, being an awful and despicable person, changing into that when he was once the person i trusted most, yeah sure thats comparable to when your dad cheated on your mom and you heard legit half of the story and the pain he caused her and decided not to like him anymore #isthisreal
being someone quasi older sister is so hard i want to protect her from everything that comes with being a girl and i dont know how to keep her from how the world treats people of her race and skintone, but i want so incredibly to shield her from that too, have her never have to realize how the world was made not just for her, how the world will see her and her actions, and how they would instead view her brothers, or mine, or my brothers, just because of things she cannot control. i never want her to hesitant on something just because of her race or skintone or gender, i never want her to feel like she isnt beautiful because of these things. i wish she didnt have to be affected by things she wont even understand yet, or be able to put a name to, or reason with, reason with why someone would look at her any different then they should just because of these little, little, uncontrollable differences between her and for whom the world has been built. i never want her to be scared to play in the grass outside or to run or to feel, i never want her to feel like the world has been locked up from her, out of her reach.