geometry is so easy (pre geometry) why cant i always do this (if its pre geometry) this is so fun (this being pre geometry)
i’m not even sure love is real anymore. my parents, who always said they were in love and it never changed and now my father says he wants a divorce, wants us gone, and my mother’s love for him has changed since everything, they thought that God intended someone just for you but what if you just end up in the time and place. maybe its just human choice. maybe people just feel they really love someone and its true because that person loved them back . maybe people only love others because of influence , after all it seems unlikely that so many people’s true love would be the same race as them, in the same country, speaking the same language. i’m not saying God cant change and move those barriers, but i dont think everyone who says they’re in love is, truly.
i miss september 2023 #whoknewmethen #justsnxithinkunlesssomeoneelseissecretlyfollowingmeonwomwhoiknowfromscratchinwhichcasewhat??
i kind of havent been writing in my diary recently because i have been too tired so enjoy all these longer posts hah. they’ll end soon when i finally have my two week summer break LOLL
maybe its ok i spelt some things wrong, and maybe its ok i said some things that werent true, or arent anymore. maybe it hasnt completely changed your perception of me, i hope. maybe its ok i turned out the way i have, and maybe ill change again before the end. maybe we’re all just people who shift, and melt to the day. maybe you would have done the same.
please dont hate me, i beg of you. please dont hate me for what i said or what i thought i felt. please dont hate me for what i didnt say, and kept inside. please remember me for a week longer, and dont forget me when leaves start to fall. please think of me again, in ten years when you see my name, or what i called myself. please think of me again when you see the things i used to define myself, and think of a time i made you laugh.
please do this all, and maybe i wont fade from familiarity . maybe you’ll think of something i said in twenty years, and please dont remove from how much i loved you. maybe you’ll wonder if i sit there the same as you, remembering the past, and please know i do.
(lowkey maybe just a vent post i now realize,,)
my brother said ‘i have a strained relationship with my father too, so i know how you feel” when i complained about my father literally going insane with nothing showing up on ct or mri and it just being unexplained and my father who literally taught me from kindergarten, who was there all the time my mother worked, who i am nearly a carbon copy of, who taught me all of my personality, my humor, all my education, most of my values, most of my interests, literally going insane before my eyes, saying hes a man he isnt, calling himself by another name, saying there are demons all around him, saying we’re demons, hitting me when hes never ever done anything remotely like that in his life to me, making my mother cry, saying he wanted a divorce even though shes supposedly the love of his life, hitting nurses and techs, being an awful and despicable person, changing into that when he was once the person i trusted most, yeah sure thats comparable to when your dad cheated on your mom and you heard legit half of the story and the pain he caused her and decided not to like him anymore #isthisreal
being someone quasi older sister is so hard i want to protect her from everything that comes with being a girl and i dont know how to keep her from how the world treats people of her race and skintone, but i want so incredibly to shield her from that too, have her never have to realize how the world was made not just for her, how the world will see her and her actions, and how they would instead view her brothers, or mine, or my brothers, just because of things she cannot control. i never want her to hesitant on something just because of her race or skintone or gender, i never want her to feel like she isnt beautiful because of these things. i wish she didnt have to be affected by things she wont even understand yet, or be able to put a name to, or reason with, reason with why someone would look at her any different then they should just because of these little, little, uncontrollable differences between her and for whom the world has been built. i never want her to be scared to play in the grass outside or to run or to feel, i never want her to feel like the world has been locked up from her, out of her reach.
in your mind,
do i go to hell?
will i find,
despite my love,
for your same lord,
at the end,
suffering,
for disbelief for your version,
of the same story?
but you do, in mine,
in mine you shall,
you shall burn,
for an eternity, for believing in what i think,
is something else entirely.
-
sometimes i slip up,
and i call you a christian,
when your brothers,
in your faith,
are heretics,
-
maybe that’s just because
i had the privilege of knowing you,
and couldn’t so quickly condemn you,
in my mind,
couldn’t imagine someone go to hell,
who was a better christian than i.
when i was seven i would record videos of myself when my parents were asleep of me saying every swear word i knew and sitting on the tables because i was not allowed to do either of those things
was talking to child, playing lps.
“ok, well, we’ll see you in court sunday” — s
“sun’dee’? what is sun’dee’?” - child
“the day of the week?” - s
“you said it wrong. thats not how you say it. its sun DAY .” - c
sour cream and onion chips or salt and vinegar ? you can only choose one, please do respond.