@slider_on_the_black

BREAKING: Telstra preparing to launch an innovative technology: “Just stealing people’s money and hoping they don’t notice.” Fresh off the rumour mill comes reports of this new tech, which experts are calling “the biggest profit maker of the century,” “wait, isn’t that illegal?” and “why didn’t I think of that first?”

We turned to Telstra’s major competitors for comments, TPG and Optus, who each said “Here at TPG, we will be complaining about this to the ACMA. This is absolutely, not okay at all, if we can’t do it, why can they do it?” and, “It is of utmost priority to ensure our customers get to experience the latest innovations while paying for their Optus service. We’ll be sharing details in a bit on our plan to roll out this new technology.”

While incredibly innovative, the technology is also incredibly simple in nature: Telstra simply takes more money than they’re supposed to from their customers and doesn’t give it back, providing for a potentially infinite increase in profit.

To request their money back, customers must go to the store on a Sunday, something thought to be impossible by most, or convince their boss to let them go on a random Wednesday which will somehow be the busiest day that specific store has ever seen since it opened leading to a multi-hour wait. Subjects are advised the staff are also completely incompetent.

We reached out to Telstra for comment regarding the legality of this new scheme, to which they said:

“Yeah, we think we’ll probably be able to get away with this for like 4 years or so, that’s about how long we get away with everything, and when they fine us we’ll probably just accidentally break 000 again or something because how dare you mess with our bottom line. Wait, is this being recorded? Hey! Stop that”

We’ll be back again at six with more news. Also Tonight: NBN Co announces new $188 billion plan to make the internet actually work sometimes like a quarter of the time as an optional $29.99 per month add-on

sometimes I remember GNOME OS exists and it also makes me remember GNOME knows best

playing white noise loudly in my headphones and taking a giant shit with no regards for the noises coming out of my mouth or ass (Helen Keller simulator)

why isn’t the kde forums called KDiscuss or KForums or something KStupid KJust KLike KAll KOther KDE KNames

The Pixel 11 series has to be the most boring and mid phone launch I’ve seen in years

• LED on the back for AI slop and… phone calls? Yes Google, I’d LOVE to scratch my screen to see a slop blue and purple gradient LED while talking to mid AI

• Best camera ever on a Pixel (waow)

• Probably like 5% faster GPU (hey they’ll be on par with the iPhone 7 from 2016 now!!11!)

• From Tom’s Guide: “Tensor G6 is nearly 50% slower than Galaxy S26 Ultra”

• The only real improvement is they replaced the Shitsung Exynass modem with a Mediatek (midtek) modem so it’s slightly less shit now

• Bright screen is now brighter, but it probably still won’t be brighter because Google auto brightness makes me want to skin whoever at Google made the Google auto brightness act more like auto darkness and set your brightness to 0% every 30 seconds if you aren’t literally focusing 16 suns of lights through a magnifying glass directly into the light sensor

• The already shit battery is now smaller