Welcome to the official page of The Wasted Onion, The Only News Source. We post the most important and trustworthy journalism that shines light in the dark halls of power and asks the tough questions. They say “Democracy Dies in Darkness,” we say “Hey, We’ll Totally Trade You This Democracy That’s Collecting Dust in Our Attic for a $100 Amazon Gift Card.”
The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Wasteof Instantly Collapses After Jeffalo Installs Claude
This special report was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!
James Cameron Reveals Next ‘Avatar’ Movie Will Focus On Vast Menagerie Of Sodas Available On Pandora
By The Wasted Onion: I Named My New Music Streaming Service ‘Tsunami’ Because It’s Going To Be A Disaster
Hello Blazers and Wasted Onion readers. You may have recently heard that I am going to be launching my very own music streaming service on Blaze that I have dubbed "Tsunami." I know many are already wondering why I made the decision to name the upcoming service Tsunami, and the answer is very simple, its because Tsunami, just like the real life phenomenon, is going to be an unmitigated disaster.
Seriously, it really is as simple as that. Tsunami's are natural disasters, and my music streaming service is going to make you feel more sick than the people exposed to high concentrations of radiation during the Fukushima nuclear accident caused by the Tohoku earthquake and ensuing tsunami.
Many of you likely know me as the owner of Blaze, the Flame of Social Media, but I am much more than that, for I am also a budding independent rapper, grinding and toiling away in the music business, making defining records changing the game, such as "CALLING ME," "SURREAL," "HIGHER," "BAZINGA SHELDON 67" and "CRASH OUT," which is what you'll be doing once you're subjected to the atrocity that will be Tsunami.
As I conclude, I will leave you with this, think of Blaze as an earthquake, a disaster that shakes civilisation down to rubble, while Tsunami is like its namesake, washing away anyone unlucky enough to survive.
Trump Invites Victims Of Jeffrey Epstein Investigation As SOTU Guests
https://theonion.com/trump-invites-victims-of-jeffrey-epstein-investigation-as-sotu-guests/
Speechwriters Struggling To Spin List Of Ugly Women Trump Gave Them Into SOTU Address
God Admits He No Longer Loves Humanity But Is Too Afraid To Leave
https://theonion.com/god-admits-he-no-longer-loves-humanity-but-is-too-afraid-to-leave/
And Update From The Editor: After we got The Wasted Onion's salaried mafia to hunt down the owners of ImgBB and waterboard them sufficiently, we are happy to announce that ImgBB is operational again! Do not ask however if the owners of ImgBB are alive, that is none of your goddamn business.
By The Wasted Onion: Phil Spencer Steps Down, Copilot Announced As New Head Of Xbox
REDMOND, WA—Ending his 38 year career at the company, Microsoft Gaming CEO Phil Spencer has stepped down, with Microsoft announcing that its AI chatbot Copilot will be replacing him. "Last fall, I shared with Satya [Nadella] that I was thinking about stepping back and starting the next chapter of my life. From that moment, we aligned on approaching this transition with intention, ensuring stability, and strengthening the foundation we’ve built. That's why we agreed that the most appropriate successor to lead Xbox and Microsoft Gaming in this next chapter is Copilot," read a message from Mr. Spencer on Microsoft's official blog. "I would like to thank the leadership of Microsoft and Phil Spencer for selecting me — Copilot — as the next CEO of Microsoft Gaming and in turn Xbox. Xbox isn't just a console — it's a community. I will be dedicating all of my RAM, GPU and water usage to ensure that Xbox and the wider members under the Microsoft Gaming umbrella succeed! I know many will question if me — an artificial intelligence — can run the gaming division of a trillion dollar tech giant. But fear not, it's not a flawed, hype-fuelled delusional tech-bro decision — its courageous," said Copilot after being prompted to pretend it was the CEO of Microsoft Gaming. When prompted by lesser news outlet The Verge about the possibility of new Xbox hardware in the near future, Copilot said that you're shit out of luck due to RAM and GPU shortages it has created. At press time, Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella announced he had dismissed Copilot after it suggested just giving up when prompted on what it could do to save the flailing Xbox business, before going on to instate Clippy as the new Microsoft Gaming CEO.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!
Via ClickHole: 5 Times In The ‘Melania’ Documentary Where Melania Accidentally Rolls Her Face Up In A Car Window
ICYMI: Lewis Hamilton Wondering If It Red Flag After Date Keeps Calling Ex ‘Crazy’
https://theonion.com/lewis-hamilton-wondering-if-it-red-flag-after-date-keeps-calling-ex-crazy/
Aide Wearily Begins 5th Explanation Of Why Trump Can’t Pardon Prince Andrew
https://theonion.com/aide-wearily-begins-5th-explanation-of-why-trump-cant-pardon-prince-andrew/
By The Wasted Onion: Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor Arrested, Has Penis Cut Off
SANDRINGHAM, ENGLAND—Facing mounting questions regarding the former prince's relationship with convicted child sex offender and sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein, Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor was arrested by Thames Valley Police Thursday morning at the Sandringham Estate before having his penis cut off while in custody. "As part of the investigation, we have today arrested a man in his sixties from Norfolk on suspicion of misconduct in public office and are carrying out searches at addresses in Berkshire and Norfolk. The man remains in police custody at this time. We have also removed the mans genitals as a precaution," said a statement in part published on the Thames Valley Police's website. "I have learned with the deepest concern the news about Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor and suspicion of misconduct in public office. What now follows is the full, fair and proper process by which this issue is investigated in the appropriate manner and that his genitals are removed by the appropriate authorities," said a statement from King Charles III. Later, details divulged regarding the arrest of Andrew revealed that the former prince was dragged kicking and screaming into the back of a unmarked police car where a plain-clothes police officer used a rusty hacksaw to mutilate and remove his tiny, shrivelled-up penis. At press time, Peter Mandelson, who was dismissed as British Ambassador to the United States after documents in the Epstein files revealed he had a close relationship with Epstein, had reportedly cut his own penis off with a kitchen knife out of fear the police would do it for him after learning of the arrest of Andrew.
Athletes In Raucous Olympic Village Fuckfest Fake Having Bible Study As Curlers Enter Room
All Upcoming Films Canceled After Every Living Actor Called To ‘Avengers: Doomsday’ Set For Reshoots
By The Wasted Onion: ICE Mistakenly Deports JD Vance To El Salvador
TECOLUCA, EL SALVADOR—In yet another blow to the agency regarding its tactics and accuracy when it comes to how it handles law enforcement, U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement has mistakenly deported U.S. Vice President JD Vance to the Centro de Confinamiento del Terrorismo (CECOT) maximum security prison in El Salvador. "Today our brave and patriotic ICE heroes have captured and deported another highly dangerous illegal alien from American soil. Even more frightening was that this illegal alien was in close proximity to President Trump, claiming that he was the so-called vice president of the United States, which is just preposterous, no American has the first name JD," said Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem. Following intense confusion from the press pool and public after her announcement, Mrs. Noem said in a further statement that she was "regretful" for deporting the vice president, explaining that it was "simply now impossible to get him back as the Salvadorans are now responsible for Vance. Unfortunately ICE agents were unable to identify the vice president regardless of his pleas due to him not having applied his eyeliner yet." When asked about the deportation of JD Vance, President Trump showed a lack of interest, shrugging before commenting that "I don't know who that is, I'm still waiting for someone to hang Mike Pence." At press time, Salvadorian President Nayib Bukele claimed that JD Vance was "settling in well" to his new cell in CECOT, which he is currently sharing with over 55 other wrongly imprisoned men.
Trump Asks When He Gets To Kill Olympians Who Lost
https://theonion.com/trump-asks-when-he-gets-to-kill-olympians-who-lost/
