Welcome to the official page of The Wasted Onion, The Only News Source. We post the most important and trustworthy journalism that shines light in the dark halls of power and asks the tough questions. They say “Democracy Dies in Darkness,” we say “Hey, We’ll Totally Trade You This Democracy That’s Collecting Dust in Our Attic for a $100 Amazon Gift Card.”
Find more kick-ass journalism at our website: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/
The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
Special Report By Wasted Onion: Trump Forgets To Buy America Present For 250th Birthday
https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/special/trump-forgets-to-buy-america-present-250th-birthday/
Via ClickHole: Fucking Brutal: You Just Made A Joke While Out To Dinner, And The Table Next To You Cracked Up At The Same Time, And You Thought They Were Laughing At Your Great Joke So You Proudly Turned To Them, Which They Didn’t Notice Because They Weren’t Actually Laughing At You – Just Something They’d Said At The Same Time – But Everyone At Your Table Saw You Turn, So Now They Know You Thought Those People Were Laughing At You, Even Though No One At Your Own Table Was Laughing, Because Your Joke Wasn’t Actually All That Good
By The Wasted Onion: Taylor Swift Releases 27 Variants Of Her Wedding To Travis Kelce
MANHATTAN, NY—Delighting Swifties and leaving the rest of the world dumbfounded, Taylor Swift announced Saturday that she would be releasing 27 different variants of her wedding to three-time Super Bowl winner Travis Kelce, with each featuring unique characteristics and bonus content to encourage fans to collect all 27.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/taylor-swift-releases-27-variants-of-her-wedding-to-travis-kelce/
America’s 250th Anniversary Special Report: Founding Fathers Smile Down On America From Outer Space
https://theonion.com/founding-fathers-smile-down-on-america-from-outer-space/
By The Wasted Onion: Trump Renames California ‘Strait Of America’ After Flooding, Blocking It
SACRAMENTO, CA—Declaring another "win" for his administration, U.S. President Donald Trump wrote in a Truth Social post Friday that he has successfully flooded California, renamed the resulting expanse the "Straight [sic] of America," and officially blocked all maritime traffic from entering or exiting the new waterway.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/trump-renames-california-strait-of-america-after-flooding-blocking-it/
This stories headline was written and suggested by @owl, thank you!
By The Wasted Onion: PlayStation To Stop Making Games In January 2028
SAN MATEO, CA—In a move that has generated significant backlash from gamers across the world, Sony announced Thursday that it would stop releasing new video games for the PlayStation platform in January 2028, citing a shift in consumer preferences for more lackluster gaming experiences.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/playstation-to-stop-making-games-in-january-2028/
‘Take Us To Your Biggest Pedophile’ Demand Surprisingly Politically Informed Aliens
By The Wasted Onion: Cities Burn As LGBTQ+ Community Celebrate Wrath Month
PARIS, FRANCE—As the world bid farewell to yet another Pride Month, cities began to burn Wednesday as LGBTQ+ people across the globe began the yearly celebrations of the follow-up festivities known as Wrath Month.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/cities-burn-as-lgbtq-community-celebrate-wrath-month/
This stories headline was written and suggested by @juniperrr, thank you!
Trump Indicates Desire For Speedy End To World
https://theonion.com/trump-indicates-desire-for-speedy-end-to-world/
The Wasted Onion Newspaper: June 2026
https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/print/the-wasted-onion-newspaper-june-2026/
Palantir Acquires Pentagon For $800 Billion
https://theonion.com/palantir-acquires-pentagon-for-800-billion/
By The Wasted Onion: Lawmakers Think They Can Muzzle The Wasted Onion, They're Correct
When I first took the helm of The Wasted Company in 1856 after defeating my father in pancreas-to-pancreas combat, I swore to make the world a worse place. We accomplished this by offering an endless stream of hacked-up news slurry via our all-powerful newsroom at The Wasted Onion, powered by the bones of dead children. That is now under threat. The U.S. Senate Judiciary Committee has passed the NO FAKES Act, putting it one step closer to becoming law. The bill would create a broad property right for a person's disgusting look, harsh voice, and general tasteless style. While that might sound wonderful to you simple-minded plebs, it actually threatens to undermine First Amendment-protected speech. U.S. lawmakers may think they muzzle our truth-telling death-march, and they would be correct in their assessment.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/lawmakers-think-they-can-muzzle-the-wasted-onion-theyre-correct/
This stories concept was suggested by @owl, thank you!
Travis Kelce Reserves Seat At Reception For SpongeBob Just In Case
https://theonion.com/travis-kelce-reserves-seat-at-reception-for-spongebob-just-in-case/
ICYMI: Study: Mosquitos More Attracted To People Branded With Mosquito God’s Rune Of Punishment
