Welcome to the official page of The Wasted Onion, The Only News Source. We post the most important and trustworthy journalism that shines light in the dark halls of power and asks the tough questions. They say “Democracy Dies in Darkness,” we say “Hey, We’ll Totally Trade You This Democracy That’s Collecting Dust in Our Attic for a $100 Amazon Gift Card.”
The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
By The Wasted Onion: President Kiwi Admits In New Memoir That ‘Growing Up, People Kept Asking Me If I Lived In New Zealand For Some Reason’
THE INTERNET—Reflecting on his childhood in the newly released tell-all memoir, wasteof President Kiwi admitted that people have frequently inquired if he lived in New Zealand. “Growing up, people kept asking me if I lived in New Zealand for some reason. All through my adolescence I’ve very often been asked this for what is seemingly no reason at all. I tried asking close friends, family, colleagues, fellow students and even the homeless guy behind the dollar store why everyone thought I am from New Zealand. People online were no different, constantly inquiring if it’s ‘weird to live in a country that isn’t on the map,’ which most certainly baffled me beyond belief,” read a passage from the president’s new “Wasting Away” memoir. “Beyond that, people throughout my life would also referred to me as a ‘geek’ and even on occasion ‘mini.’ Trying to ask about this was even more fruitless, with zero reasons given that would satisfy my endless quest to understand these labels placed on me. If I hadn’t known any better, it was like I had created some sort of online profile that referred to me as a ‘mini kiwi geek,’ which would’ve been quite an odd thing for me to do.” Kiwi’s memoir also details his thoughts and memories from dying and being resurrected multiple times while stranded on a desert island, as well as having to be around other wasteof users for more than 10 seconds. In a 6/7 star review for The Wasted Onion, book reviewer Daniel McBadread said that the memoir was a “fantastic payday thanks to the Crack House handing us a fat stack of wonga to review this bullshit, thanks idiots!”
This stories headline was written and suggested by @kiwi, thank you!
Trump Assures Struggling Nation He Has Plenty Of Money
https://theonion.com/trump-assures-struggling-nation-he-has-plenty-of-money/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Scratch Foundation Adds New ‘Kid Approved’ White Wine To Online Store
Campbell’s Unveils New Line Of Self-Defense Soups
https://theonion.com/campbells-unveils-new-line-of-self-defense-soups/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Trump Post Claims Bondi Beach Shooting Victims Suffered From ‘Trump Derangement Syndrome’
Report: Electric Guitar Means This Likely Not Your Mother’s ‘Jingle Bells’
https://theonion.com/report-electric-guitar-means-this-likely-not-your-mothers-jingle-bells/
‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens
https://theonion.com/no-way-to-prevent-this-says-only-nation-where-this-regularly-happens-3/
By The Wasted Onion: Marco Rubio Orders State Department To Replace Calibri Font With Wingdings
WASHINGTON—Insisting that the Biden-era directive was “wasteful” and “embarrassing,” Secretary of State Marco Rubio has ordered the State Department replace the Calibri typeface with Wingdings in all official paperwork. “I am determined to root out woke DEI wherever it hides. With this in mind, I have officially ordered the State Department to use Wingdings in all official documentation, effective immediately. Switching to Calibri achieved nothing except the degradation of the department's correspondence. This change to Wingdings ensures we display the very best of America in everything we do by refusing to use words and instead communicating only in simple symbols like cavemen,” said Rubio while fumbling his words trying to read the TelePrompter written in the Wingdings typeface. “🕈︎︎♏︎︎ 🙵■︎︎□︎︎⬥︎︎ ⧫︎︎♒︎︎♏︎︎ ●︎︎♓︎︎♌︎︎♏︎︎❒︎︎♋︎︎●︎︎ ❍︎︎♋︎︎♓︎︎■︎︎⬧︎︎⧫︎︎❒︎︎♏︎︎♋︎︎❍︎︎ ❍︎︎♏︎︎♎︎︎♓︎︎♋︎︎ ⬥︎︎♓︎︎●︎︎●︎︎ ❍︎︎□︎︎♍︎︎🙵 ⧫︎︎♒︎︎♏︎︎ 
︎︎⧫︎︎♋︎︎⧫︎︎♏︎︎ 
︎︎♏︎︎◻︎︎♋︎︎❒︎︎⧫︎︎❍︎︎♏︎︎■︎︎⧫︎︎ ♐︎︎□︎︎❒︎︎ ⧫︎︎♒︎︎♓︎︎⬧︎︎ ♍︎︎♒︎︎♋︎︎■︎︎♑︎︎♏︎︎
︎︎ ⧫︎︎♒︎︎♏︎︎⍓︎︎ॐ︎︎●︎︎●︎︎ ⬧︎︎♋︎︎⍓︎︎ ♓︎︎⧫︎︎⬧︎︎ ‘♌︎︎♋︎︎♎︎︎ ♐︎︎□︎︎❒︎︎ ♋︎︎♍︎︎♍︎︎♏︎︎⬧︎︎⬧︎︎♓︎︎♌︎︎♓︎︎●︎︎♓︎︎⧫︎︎⍓︎︎
︎︎’ 
︎︎◆︎︎⧫︎︎ ⬥︎︎♏︎︎ ♎︎︎□︎︎ ■︎︎□︎︎⧫︎︎ ♍︎︎♋︎︎❒︎︎♏︎︎︎︎ ♐︎︎◆︎︎♍︎︎🙵 ⧫︎︎♒︎︎♏︎︎ ❖︎︎♓︎︎⬧︎︎◆︎︎♋︎︎●︎︎●︎︎⍓︎︎ ♓︎︎❍︎︎◻︎︎♋︎︎♓︎︎❒︎︎♏︎︎♎︎︎,” said the State Department in a official press release following media criticism. Following the order, type designers around the world were heard nerding out about fonts even louder than normal, and experts expect the insistent blabbering about serifs and sans-serifs for another week, advising the public to purchase earplugs to drown out the dorks. At press time, the State Department headquarters exploded following a communication in Wingdings that was misinterpreted by a technician as instructing him to press the “blow the whole darn building up” button.
ICYMI: This Your Best One Yet, Report Nation’s Sycophants
https://theonion.com/this-your-best-one-yet-report-nations-sycophants/
By The Wasted Onion: Trump Announces ‘Trump Land’ Theme Park
MIAMI, FL—Adding to his already extensive personal merchandising operation Saturday, U.S. President Donald Trump has announced his own personal theme park named “Trump Land” that will be built in Miami, Florida. “As the PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, I am proud to announce TRUMP LAND! An ALL NEW Theme Park coming to Miame [sic], Florida! It will be the GREATEST theme park in the WORLD! SO EXCITING! Our beautiful nation will finally have a theme park it can be proud of! Unlike the woke and fake mainstream Theme Parks like Disney World and their DEI ROLLERCOASTERS,” said a post made to the president’s Truth Social account. “I love Miami, I’ve won there many times. By a massive margin. They love me there, they say it all the time; ‘oh, Mr. Trump, you’re the best. Mr. Trump, can you impregnate me?’ It’s true, they really said that. That’s why Trump Land is going to be in Miami, Barron is going to run it, he’ll do great, he’ll also get to pick a girlfriend from all the girls that visit the park,” said Trump in the Oval Office. Alongside the announcement from the president, the Trump Organization released renderings of the upcoming theme park with various attractions such as the “Crooked Joe Biden Bumper Cars,” “Capitol Riot Hide-And-Seek,” “Hang The Mike Pence,” “Liberal Media Fake News Rollercoaster,” “Hack The Hillary Clinton Email Server Escape Room” and a museum featuring the photos of every woman the president has grabbed the pussy of. At press time, the Trump Organization clarified that visitors to the upcoming theme park would be shot on sight if they mentioned disgraced financier and paedophile Jeffrey Epstein.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @leblankr, thank you!
ICYMI: Plex Submits $35 Bid For Warner Bros.
https://theonion.com/plex-submits-35-bid-for-warner-bros/
Study Finds 80% Of Americans Lack Social Connections To Pull Off Heist
https://theonion.com/study-finds-80-of-americans-lack-social-connections-to-pull-off-heist/
By The Wasted Onion: Trump Administration Removes MLK Day And Juneteenth From Nations Collective Memory
WASHINGTON—Harnessing the power of the executive branch Wednesday, the Trump administration has begun the process to remove Martin Luther King Jr. Day and Juneteenth from the collective memories of American citizens. “As part of the president’s courageous and righteous crusade to bring back merit to our great nation, the United States government is devising a plan to erase the so-called Martin Luther King Day and Juneteenth federal holidays from the memories of every single citizen of this great nation. The woke DEI programs instituted by crooked Joe Biden have made America weak. President Trump is making America great again by removing random shit that people aren’t even complaining about,” said White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt during a press briefing moments before a bright white light enveloped the room. “Huh? Where am I? Who are you people? What are we doing here? Um, hold on a moment. Ah yes, I’m here to call all you news whores little beta woke cuck losers,” said Leavitt with a blank expression on her face. Following what is believed to be the erasure of America’s memories, the White House had reportedly planted a new federal holiday into the public's memory called “Trump’s Penis Appreciation Month.” At press time, Trump officials were seen walking the walls of the White House in a dazed, confused state, indicating everything was running like normal after the memory erasure.
