Welcome to the official page of The Wasted Onion, The Only News Source. We post the most important and trustworthy journalism that shines light in the dark halls of power and asks the tough questions. They say “Democracy Dies in Darkness,” we say “Hey, We’ll Totally Trade You This Democracy That’s Collecting Dust in Our Attic for a $100 Amazon Gift Card.”
The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
By The Wasted Onion: Netflix Announces Plan To Shutter Warner Bros. For Tax Write-Off After Acquisition
HOLLYWOOD, CA—Following the bombshell news that it would acquire the entertainment icon for a whopping $72 billion, streaming giant Netflix announced that it plans to shut down Warner Bros. for a tax write-off if it succeeds to acquire the company. “Our mission has always been to entertain the world. By combining Warner Bros.’ incredible library of shows and movies—from timeless classics like Casablanca and Citizen Kane to modern favorites like Harry Potter and Friends—with our culture-defining titles like Stranger Things, KPop Demon Hunters and Squid Game, we'll be able to get an even fatter tax write-off, the likes of which you have never seen before. Together, we can give audiences more of what we force upon them and help define the next century of storytelling by increasing shareholder value at any and all costs to the detriment of creatives everywhere no matter where they hide,” said co-CEO of Netflix Ted Sarandos. “With our global reach and proven business model, we can strip Warner Bros. for parts as we kill project after project for tax write-offs—giving our members less options, forcing more fans into our worst-in-class streaming service, consolidating the entire entertainment industry and creating as much goddamn value for shareholders as we can,” continued co-CEO of Netflix Greg Peters. In a brief interview with lesser news outlet Variety, CEO of Warner Bros. Discovery David Zaslav was seen giddily jumping on his tippy toes at the prospect of monumental layoffs and tax write-offs. At press time, Netflix announced it plans to acquire you for $1, going on to explain that it would need to layoff your left kidney and spleen to help finance the deal.
I’d Sooner Let My Family Starve Than Exaggerate My Marketing Experience On My Resume
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Spotify Wrapped Once Again Confirms You Have God Awful Taste In Music
Man Totally Nerding Out About Superiority Of White Race
https://theonion.com/man-totally-nerding-out-about-superiority-of-white-race/
FDA Approves New Drug That Reverses Effects Of Narcan
https://theonion.com/fda-approves-new-drug-that-reverses-effects-of-narcan/
Trump Announces 5,000% Increase In All Numbers
https://theonion.com/trump-announces-5000-increase-in-all-numbers/
By The Wasted Onion: Trump Cancels All Executive Orders With Biden’s Signature On
WASHINGTON—Claiming that his predecessor was “unfit” during his tenure, U.S. President Donald Trump announced Monday that he has begun the process of cancelling all executive orders that have former President Joe Biden’s signature on them. “Any document signed by Sleepy Joe Biden, which was approximately 100% of them, is hereby terminated, and of no further force or effect. Signatures are NOT allowed to be used if approval is not specifically given by the President of the United States. The Radical Left Lunatics circling Biden around the beautiful Resolute Desk in the Oval Office took the Presidency away from him when he fell asleep, which was very often because of Hunter Biden,” read a post in part made to the president’s Truth Social account. “I am hereby cancelling all Executive Orders, and anything else that was directly signed by Crooked Joe Biden, because the way he operated his signature was done so illegally. Joe Biden was involved in the signature process and, if he says he wasn’t, he will be brought up on charges of being sleepy. Thank you for your attention to this matter!” As part of the process of voiding any documents signed by former President Biden, the Trump administration stated it was using an autopen to speed up the process of terminating every document Biden had ever signed since birth. At press time, former Vice President Kamala Harris said that it was in fact her and Major, Joe Biden’s dog, who signed everything for Biden during his presidency.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!
Homeland Security Relaxes Species Requirements To Join ICE
https://theonion.com/homeland-security-relaxes-species-requirements-to-join-ice/
Via ClickHole: Another Tacky Renovation: Trump Just Added A Solid Gold Sybian To The White House Goon Cave
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: President Kiwi Held Hostage With Access Only To Scratch
This special report was written and suggested by @errplane, thank you!
ICYMI: Man Who Thought Fleetwood Mac’s ‘The Chain’ Was Over In For Thrill Of His Fucking Life
Black Friday Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Local Drug Dealer Has Pretty Good Black Friday Deals on Cocaine Right Now
Researchers Determine Moon Serves No Purpose But Alerting Raccoons It Safe To Come Out
Cousins Form Pact To Get Laid By End Of Thanksgiving
https://theonion.com/cousins-form-pact-to-get-laid-by-end-of-thanksgiving/
