Welcome to the official page of The Wasted Onion, The Only News Source. We post the most important and trustworthy journalism that shines light in the dark halls of power and asks the tough questions. They say “Democracy Dies in Darkness,” we say “Hey, We’ll Totally Trade You This Democracy That’s Collecting Dust in Our Attic for a $100 Amazon Gift Card.”
Find more kick-ass journalism at our website: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/
The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
By The Wasted Onion: Windows 12 Introduces Alternative EXE File Format Murderables
REDMOND, WA—Offering the first glimpse of the successor to Windows 11, tech giant Microsoft announced Friday that Windows 12 will introduce a new alternative to the standard executable file format, entitled murderables.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/windows-12-introduces-alternative-exe-file-format-murderanbles/
This stories headline was written and suggested by @specialred_, thank you!
From The Archives: Office Adds Area For Lactating Mothers To Discreetly Pump Iron
https://theonion.com/office-adds-area-for-lactating-mothers-to-discreetly-pump-iron/
By The Wasted Onion: Undercover Investigation Reveals Reform UK Likes Foreigners When They Give Them Money
CLACTON, ENGLAND—Facing fresh scrutiny over its funding following an undercover sting by lesser news outlet Channel 4 News showing party officials plotting to avoid election laws on foreign donations, the footage revealed that Reform UK does in fact like foreigners as long as they are giving them money.
Rockstar Leaks Worsen As Hackers Release Fully Playable Copy Of ‘GTA IX’
https://theonion.com/rockstar-leaks-worsen-as-hackers-release-fully-playable-copy-of-gta-ix/
By The Wasted Onion: Rockstar Provides Early Access To GTA VI Exclusively On Pirate Bay
EDINBURGH, SCOTLAND—Following a slew of major spoilers about the highly anticipated video game's plot leaked online, Rockstar Games announced Thursday it would provide early access to Grand Theft Auto VI exclusively through The Pirate Bay.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/rockstar-provides-early-access-to-gta-vi-exclusively-on-pirate-bay/
Google Maps Introduces Crawling Directions For Cyclists Hit By Truck
https://theonion.com/google-maps-introduces-crawling-directions-for-cyclists-hit-by-truck/
By The Wasted Onion: Andy Burnham Accused Of Being Correct For Blaming UK Decline On Brexit, Thatcher
LONDON—Furious following his first appearance in the Commons since becoming British prime minister, detractors of Andy Burnham accused him of being correct after he blamed Brexit and former Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher for the UK's ongoing economic decline.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/andy-burnham-accused-of-being-correct-for-blaming-uk-decline-on-brexit-thatcher/
Amazon MGM Narrows List Of James Bond Candidates To 6 Actors, 1 Extremely Suave Ferret
By The Wasted Onion: Lionel Messi Retires From American Football
BUENOS AIRES, ARGENTINA—Ending a 21-year professional career as one of the most decorated players in history, Lionel Messi announced Monday that he is retiring from American football.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/lionel-messi-retires-from-american-football/
AI Strategist Suggests Calling Data Centers ‘Computer Parties’
https://theonion.com/ai-strategist-suggests-calling-data-centers-computer-parties/
The Wasted Onion Newspaper: August 2026
https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/print/the-wasted-onion-newspaper-august-2026/
When I Die, Feed Me To Something Majestic
https://theonion.com/when-i-die-feed-me-to-something-majestic/
Via The Beaverton: Carney to rename rest of Great Lakes as “Lake Legal Adult” so Trump will never want to touch them
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Falkland Islands Discovered To Actually Belong To You, The Reader
ICYMI: Dolly Parton Troubled To Find God Illiterate
https://theonion.com/dolly-parton-troubled-to-find-god-illiterate/
