Welcome to the official page of The Wasted Onion, The Only News Source. We post the most important and trustworthy journalism that shines light in the dark halls of power and asks the tough questions. They say “Democracy Dies in Darkness,” we say “Hey, We’ll Totally Trade You This Democracy That’s Collecting Dust in Our Attic for a $100 Amazon Gift Card.”
Find more kick-ass journalism at our website: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/
The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
ICYMI: Princess Diana Releases Bombshell Memoir
By The Wasted Onion: John Ternus Removes RAM From All Apple Products For Shits And Giggles
CUPERTINO, CA—Insisting that the tech giant was taking a "courageous leap into a brave new future" Friday, Apple CEO John Ternus announced that he had personally ordered the removal of all RAM from the company's products lineups for shits and giggles, offering it instead as a $400 optional add-on.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/john-ternus-removes-ram-from-all-apple-products-for-shits-and-giggles/
This stories headline was written and suggested by @joshatticus, thank you!
Kash Patel Phished By Scammer Posing As Kash Patel
https://theonion.com/kash-patel-phished-by-scammer-posing-as-kash-patel/
Xi Jinping Impressed With How Much Trump’s English Has Improved Since Last Visit
By The Wasted Onion: Angry Birds Enter Rehab For Crippling Gambling Addictions
BIRD VILLAGE, BIRD ISLAND—Recognising that their high-velocity projectile careers and families were hanging by a thread, several of the most recognisable Angry Birds checked into a rehabilitation clinic Wednesday to treat their debilitating gambling addictions.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/angry-birds-enter-rehab-for-crippling-gambling-addictions/
This stories headline was written and suggested by @specialred_, thank you!
Regretful Man Realizes He Would Be Rich By Now If He Had Invested In Rice 7,000 Years Ago
By The Wasted Onion: The Wasted Onion's Graphic Design Department Has Been Locked In In The Office Basement
INVERNESS, SCOTLAND—Citing a noticeable dip in productivity during the current quarterly review Tuesday, The Wasted Onion's graphic design department has been ordered to "lock in" in the office basement by CEO Clef Bozos.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @juni, thank you!
Career-Ending Facebook Comment Double-Checked For Spelling
https://theonion.com/career-ending-facebook-comment-double-checked-for-spelling/
By The Wasted Onion: Experts Discover Yellow River Is Yellow Because Godzilla Pissed In It
BEIJING, CHINA—Answering a geographical mystery that has baffled historians for centuries, researchers at Tsinghua University announced Monday that they have conclusively discovered the Yellow River is yellow because Godzilla pissed in it.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/experts-discover-yellow-river-is-yellow-because-godzilla-pissed-in-it/
This stories headline was written and suggested by mysticallydesigns on Discord, thank you!
NSFW Artist Struggling To Improve On Sexiness Of Regular Muppets
https://theonion.com/nsfw-artist-struggling-to-improve-on-sexiness-of-regular-muppets/
By The Wasted Onion: Trump Deports Hurricanes
WASHINGTON—Declaring the weather phenomenon's "reign of terror" officially over, U.S. President Donald Trump announced Sunday that Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents have successfully deported all pending hurricanes attempting to make landfall on American soil.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/trump-deports-hurricanes/
This article was requested by @esben, thank you!
From The Archives: Mexico Killed In Drug Deal
https://theonion.com/mexico-killed-in-drug-deal-1819571764/
By The Wasted Onion: Trump Gives Up On Greenland Plans After Seeing New UN Map
WASHINGTON—Following a UN resolution endorsing a new map that more accurately reflects the size of landmasses across the globe, such as showing how Greenland is roughly 14 times smaller than Africa, U.S. President Trump has abandoned all ambitions to acquire the Danish territory.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/trump-gives-up-on-greenland-plans-after-seeing-new-un-map/
This stories headline was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!
ICYMI: FBI Moves To Raise Murder Rate For First Time Since 2023
https://theonion.com/fbi-moves-to-raise-murder-rate-for-first-time-since-2023/
By The Wasted Onion: AfD Vows To Change German Curriculum To Teach That Hitler Was Just Hangry
MAGDEBURG, GERMANY—Following its historic landslide victory in the Saxony-Anhalt state election that brought them just short of an outright majority, the far-right Alternative for Germany (AfD) party announced educational reforms to teach students that Adolf Hitler was simply just hangry.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/afd-vows-to-change-german-cirriculum-to-teach-that-hitler-was-just-hangry/
