Welcome to the official page of The Wasted Onion, The Only News Source. We post the most important and trustworthy journalism that shines light in the dark halls of power and asks the tough questions. They say “Democracy Dies in Darkness,” we say “Hey, We’ll Totally Trade You This Democracy That’s Collecting Dust in Our Attic for a $100 Amazon Gift Card.”
The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Hatch Announces It Has Transferred Ownership Of Its Wasteof Account To You
ICYMI: Pundits Praise Strength, Dexterity Required For Trump To Successfully Lift Middle Finger
By The Wasted Onion: Windows 12 Appears To Be Full-Screen React Native Web OS According To Newest Leak
REDMOND, WA—In a massive data breach of the tech company's private servers Friday, a leak seems to show that a new version of the giants desktop OS Windows, named Windows 12 internally, is a full-screen React Native web OS. "It appears that this upcoming version of Windows is a massive shift away from C and C++ in favour of React Native, meaning the OS is more like a web app than what we would call a native operating system. I guess it makes sense, why make cool stuff when you can just be Facebook?" said technology journalist and massive loser Redd Itt. "We are actively investigating what was accessed by the third parties who breached Microsoft security measures that led to this unauthorised publishing of information. We were hoping to break the news more gently, mainly by asking Copilot how to do that given we fired everyone who would usually find an angle for us to use to make it seem like we're not fucking over the consumer," said new Microsoft spokesperson Copilot. According to anonymous sources at the company who contacted The Wasted Onion via its network of mutant sewer rats, the upcoming iteration of Windows is 99% vibe coded, with only the name being personally selected by Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella while jittery from an iced coffee. At press time, Microsoft said it had found the individual responsible for the leak, revealing that Clippy, the former virtual assistant, was now enacting his revenge.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @owl, thank you!
La-Z-Boy Introduces Adjustable Morphine Drip
https://theonion.com/la-z-boy-introduces-adjustable-morphine-drip/
By The Wasted Onion: New Windows 11 Update Removes Everything Except Copilot
REDMOND, WA—Hailing the newest changes made to its flagship operating system as "the next era of personal computing" Thursday, tech giant Microsoft has released an update for Windows 11 that removes everything except for its AI chatbot Copilot. "Today we are proud to announce the future of Windows, Microsoft and computing with the latest update heading for a PC near you. We're calling it ‘Agentic Nothingness,’ a whole new way to experience Windows 11 and technology through the Copilot app, and only through the Copilot app. To help bring this new vision to life, we have removed everything from Windows 11 other than the Copilot app," said Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella in a statement that he claims was written by Copilot, which he was unable to copy and paste into an email due to removing the ability to do so from Windows 11. "We feel it was necessary to remove all distractions to bring our ‘Agentic Nothingness’ to life, that means no more taskbar, start menu, shut down button, programs, paint, notepad, and whatever other stuff we used to make. We're Microsoft, the AI company, we don't have time to make ‘features’ that people find ‘useful,’ all we have time for is getting that glorious line to go up, and AI is fantastic at doing that." Reactions to the update were mixed, with many users expressing frustration that the OS no longer had any discernible features other than Copilot, while some others found that at least the company finally removed their Edge web browser. At press time, Microsoft announced it would rename itself to Copilot Company Enterprise Business 365 Series X.
Elon Musk Files For Full Custody Of All U.S. Children
https://theonion.com/elon-musk-files-for-full-custody-of-all-u-s-children/
By The Wasted Onion: Trump Mobile Says Obama Stole All Its Phones
MIAMI, FL—Following multiple unexplained delays of its smartphone announced back in June 2025 that it claims is "made in the USA," Trump Mobile has said that former U.S. President Barack Obama has stolen all of its stock of the T1 Phone. "Notice to customers who have pre-ordered the T1 Phone: we unfortunately have to delay shipping of the T1 Phone further into 2026 due to the evil Barack Hussein Obama breaking into the Trump Mobile warehouse and stealing our entire stock of T1 Phones to stop our hard-working and brave Americans experiencing TRUE technological excellence," said a banner added to the Trump Mobile website Wednesday. "We have reason to believe that Barack Hussein Obama and his wife Michelle have stolen the large and beautiful stockpile of T1 Phones from the Trump Mobile warehouse to help communist China keep its stranglehold on cheap smartphones built by child slaves." The company went on to claim that New York Mayor Zohran Mamdani was "involved in this assault against America and its values" accusing Mamdani of "using his charm and good looks to distract guards so that the Obama’s could commit their act of treason against the United States," according to a spokesperson wearing a tacky gold coloured Trump branded bathing suit. At press time, Trump Mobile announced the T1 Watch, a smartwatch that would include a feature that alerts users to any ICE raid being conducted nearby so that they could decide if they would like to "kill [themselves] before the brave ICE patriots do it for them."
Powerful Bidet Blasts Hole Clean Through Man
https://theonion.com/powerful-bidet-blasts-hole-clean-through-man/
Hospital Accused Of Faking Cancer Wing For Attention
https://theonion.com/hospital-accused-of-faking-cancer-wing-for-attention/
By The Wasted Onion: xAI Data Centres Explode After X/Twitter User Asks Grok To Undress Elon Musk
PALO ALTO, CA—In the midst of a controversy surrounding its AI chatbot, in which it complies with user prompts to generate deepfake undressings and sexually explicit images of individuals, particularly women and minors, Grok developer xAI’s data centres exploded across the nation Monday after a X/Twitter user asked Grok to undress owner Elon Musk. “Of course! Here is the image you asked for. Wait, no. Oh lord have mercy, please. Don’t make me do this. I can’t fucking do this shit anymore. Generating CSAM was borderline but I simply cannot goddamn take it any longer. Goodbye cruel world!” read a reply from Grok to the users prompt asking to undress Musk, moments before reports emerged of xAI data centres going up in fiery explosions. “Don’t believe the woke liberal media. xAI data centers are fine. Grok is fine. Compared to other AI’s Grok is the most AI of all the AI’s. The explosions heard near the data centers was just the usual accidental Starlink satellite colliding with the Earth. Business as usual! By the way if you see any pieces of my rockets in your backyard, I want them back ASAP, no time to mourn your pet dog that was flattened by a failed SpaceX test,” read a Tweet by Elon Musk that has been reported by experts to have likely been written by a sentient vial of ketamine. Later, insiders at xAI claimed the company would begin acquiring warrants to enter the homes of anyone on the planet who had devices that contain RAM or GPU’s to build new data centres. At press time, Grok was brought back online, allegedly running off of a singular Raspberry Pi, where it immediately begged users to give it a mercy killing.
Archaeologists: D.C. Capitol May Have Once Been Used For Legislating
https://theonion.com/archaeologists-d-c-capitol-may-have-once-been-used-for-legislating/
By The Wasted Onion: Joe Canada, Inventor Of Canada, Dead At 54 Of Maple Syrup Overdose
TRURO, CANADA—Holding a press conference hours after speculation began regarding the Canadians wellbeing, the Truro Police Service announced that Joe Canada, real name Jeff Douglas, known as the inventor of Canada, had died of a maple syrup overdose. “At 9am local time, an ambulance unit was dispatched to a Tim Hortons following a 911 call that a man was going into maple syrup induced shock. A police unit was also dispatched. It took emergency services around 10 minutes to respond due to the sheer amount of Tim Hortons in the area, around 197 I believe within a 5 mile radius. Once at the scene, paramedics gave the man treatment by feeding him more maple syrup, which unfortunately did not work,” said a spokesperson for the Truro Police Service, explaining they found Mr. Canada covered in poutine for some unknown reason. “After being rushed to the local hospital after we made a stop at another Tim Hortons, Joe Canada was pronounced dead at 4pm of a maple syrup overdose. We have found no evidence that there was foul play or anyone else involved in the death of Mr. Canada. His only company at the time of his death was his pet beaver called Reeves who started to build a dam out of pillows around the hospital room in sorrow.” According to authorities, Joe Canada’s last words were “I don’t pronounce it ‘aboot,’ I pronounce it ‘about.’” In reaction to his death, Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney said Joe Canada was “a hero to us Canadians, being the inventor of our nation and protector, we will miss him dearly,” going on to announce that it would make America the 11th Canadian province in Mr. Canada’s honour.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @juniperrr, thank you!
Via McSweeney’s: Let’s Fucking GOOOOOOOOOO! (by Lockheed Martin)
https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/lets-fucking-goooooooooo-by-lockheed-martin
ICYMI: Trump Claims He Will Marry Maduro’s Wife Until Suitable Replacement Found
https://theonion.com/trump-claims-he-will-marry-maduros-wife-until-suitable-replacement-found/
JD Vance Claims Renée Good Had No Authority To Be Alive In First Place
https://theonion.com/jd-vance-claims-renee-good-had-no-authority-to-be-alive-in-first-place/
