Welcome to the official page of The Wasted Onion, The Only News Source. We post the most important and trustworthy journalism that shines light in the dark halls of power and asks the tough questions. They say “Democracy Dies in Darkness,” we say “Hey, We’ll Totally Trade You This Democracy That’s Collecting Dust in Our Attic for a $100 Amazon Gift Card.”
Find more kick-ass journalism at our website: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/
The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
From The Archives: Good Scissors Not In The Fucking Drawer
https://theonion.com/good-scissors-not-in-the-fucking-drawer-1827516871/
By The Wasted Onion: Katy Perry Dead At 41 Following Secret Battle With Number One Hit Deficiency
MONTECITO, CA—Leaving fans devastated Saturday, a representative for pop star Katy Perry announced that she was pronounced dead at the age of 41 following a lengthy secret battle with number one hit deficiency, also known as NOHD.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/katy-perry-dead-at-41-following-secret-battle-with-number-one-hit-deficiency/
This stories headline was written and suggested by @axltheautistim, thank you!
ICYMI: Everyone In Oval Office Meeting Currently In Some Stage Of Stroke
https://theonion.com/everyone-in-oval-office-meeting-currently-in-some-stage-of-stroke/
By The Wasted Onion: [NOTE: Do Not Post Until He Actually Resigns Or We're So Fucked] Andy Burnham Resigns As UK Prime Minister
LONDON—Following months of mounting pressure from those within his own party over [TK ADD WHATEVER FUCK UP THAT BROKE THE CAMELS BACK WAS], British Prime Minister Andy Burnham has announced that he will resign, with [TK WHATEVER SHITHEAD WHO WILL LIKELY REPLACE BURNHAM] being the current front runner to replace him.
Tourist Disappointed To Leave Scotland Without Seeing Single Fat Bastard
https://theonion.com/tourist-disappointed-to-leave-scotland-without-seeing-single-fat-bastard/
By The Wasted Onion: Microsoft Announces Windows XIII
REDMOND, WA—Ushering in the latest iteration of its iconic desktop operating system, tech giant Microsoft has announced Windows XIII, the successor to Windows 11.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/microsoft-announces-windows-xiii/
Portions of this story and its headline was written and suggested by @owl, thank you!
New Geneva Convention Allows Use Of Child Soldiers With Signed Permission Slip
https://theonion.com/new-geneva-convention-allows-use-of-child-soldiers-with-signed-permission-slip/
By The Wasted Onion: Leaked Images Reveal macOS 28 With GNOME Desktop
CUPERTINO, CA—Causing immense shock among millions of users Wednesday, new screenshots leaked online from an early test build of macOS 28, referred to internally by Apple as "macOS Alcatraz," shows the operating system using a GNOME desktop environment.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/leaked-images-reveal-macos-28-with-gnome-desktop/
This stories headline was written and suggested by @juniperrr, thank you!
U.S. Mint Unveils Series Of Gold Coins Commemorating President’s Extramarital Affairs
By The Wasted Onion: Leaked Images Reveal Windows 12 With KDE Plasma Desktop
REDMOND, WA—Leaving users and tech enthusiasts alike in shock Tuesday, new images leaked online from an unreleased developer build of the Windows operating system, dubbed "Windows 12" internally, currently features a KDE Plasma desktop environment.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/leaked-images-reveal-windows-12-with-kde-plasma-desktop/
This stories headline was written and suggested by @owl, thank you!
Mike Johnson Struggles To Hold Speaker Gavel While Wearing Anti-Masturbation Mitts
By The Wasted Onion: Paddington Bear Becomes UK Prime Minister
LONDON—Closing the door on Sir Keir Starmer's two-year premiership at 10 Downing Street Monday, Paddington Bear has been invited by His Majesty to form a government, becoming the seventh Prime Minister of the United Kingdom in ten years.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/paddington-bear-becomes-uk-prime-minister/
Trump Insists Frequent Naps Necessary To Protect U.S. Interests In Dreamland
https://theonion.com/trump-insists-frequent-naps-necessary-to-protect-u-s-interests-in-dreamland/
ICYMI: Paramedics Praised For Being Too Late To Save Lindsey Graham
https://theonion.com/paramedics-praised-for-being-too-late-to-save-lindsey-graham/
The Wasted Onion Magazine: Nigel Farage: Man Of The Rich People
