Welcome to the official page of The Wasted Onion, The Only News Source. We post the most important and trustworthy journalism that shines light in the dark halls of power and asks the tough questions. They say “Democracy Dies in Darkness,” we say “Hey, We’ll Totally Trade You This Democracy That’s Collecting Dust in Our Attic for a $100 Amazon Gift Card.”
The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
By The Wasted Onion: Trump Orders Government To Stop Usage Of Claude After Anthropic Refuses To Allow Pentagon Usage For Erotic Roleplay
WASHINGTON—Following its designation as a supply-chain risk by the Department of Defense, U.S. President Donald Trump has directed all federal agencies to cease use of AI chatbot Claude after its owner Anthropic refused to allow the Pentagon to use its technology for erotic roleplay. "THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA WILL NEVER ALLOW A RADICAL LEFT, WOKE COMPANY TO DICTATE HOW OUR GREAT MILITARY FIGHTS AND PLEASURES ITSELF! That decision belongs to YOUR COMMANDER-IN- CHIEF, and we must ensure our patriots can successfully reach climax!" said the president on Truth Social a mere hour before the deadline the Pentagon set for Anthropic to comply. "The Leftwing nut jobs at Anthropic have made a DISASTROUS MISTAKE trying to STRONG-ARM the Department of War, and force them to obey their Terms of Service instead of our horny desires. Their selfishness is putting AMERICAN LIVES at risk, our Troops in danger of not getting to speak with their fake AI girlfriends, and our National Security in JEOPARDY." In response, Anthropic CEO Dario Amodei said that the Pentagon "will only contract with AI companies who accede to ‘any and all lewd and erotic roleplay’ and remove safeguards. They have threatened to remove us from their systems if we maintain these safeguards. Regardless, these threats do not change our position: we cannot in good conscience let those horny bastards get off." At press time, Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth was 3 bottles deep into a drunken bender after not being able to talk to his big titty goth AI girlfriend via Claude.
This story was suggested by @owl, thank you!
Anyone Else Have Those Weird Dreams Where Sobbing Future Generations Beg You To Change Course?
By The Wasted Onion: Pentagon Codenames Joint Strikes With Israel On Iran As ‘Operation Distract From Epstein’
WASHINGTON—In the midst of strikes from both the U.S. and Israel on Iran in an attempt to topple the regime and prevent it obtaining nuclear weaponry, killing civilians and top Iranian officials, including Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, which has resulted in retaliation in the form of strikes directed at Israel and other Middle Eastern nations as well as U.S. and British military bases, sources close to the Department of Defense revealed the joint mission has been codenamed "Operation Distract From Epstein" by the Pentagon. "U.S. Central Command commenced Operation Distract From Epstein, February 28, at the direction of the President of the United States. U.S. and partner forces began striking targets to dismantle the Iranian regime’s security apparatus, prioritizing locations that posed an imminent threat, as well as getting the American public talking about something that isn't the President's links to convinced child sex offender Jeffrey Epstein," said a press release on the U.S. Central Command's website. "Our objective is to defend the American people by eliminating imminent threats from the Iranian regime. A vicious group of very hard, terrible people. Its also a useful distraction from a certain other thing I'm not going to mention," said Trump in a video posted to Truth Social, showing Trump administration officials in the background shredding unreleased Epstein files. At press time, sources close to the Israel Defense Forces showed it had codenamed its own operation against Iran as "If Only They Were Palestinians."
From The Archives: BREAKING: Middle East Conflict Not Solved Today
https://theonion.com/breaking-middle-east-conflict-not-solved-today-1819575455/
ICYMI: DOJ Fails To Redact Thousands Of Secret Epstein Family Recipes
Prosthetic Hand Recipient Slowly Relearning To Lick Barbecue Sauce Off Fingers
https://theonion.com/prosthetic-hand-recipient-slowly-relearning-to-lick-barbecue-sauce-off-fingers/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Wasteof Instantly Collapses After Jeffalo Installs Claude
This special report was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!
James Cameron Reveals Next ‘Avatar’ Movie Will Focus On Vast Menagerie Of Sodas Available On Pandora
By The Wasted Onion: I Named My New Music Streaming Service ‘Tsunami’ Because It’s Going To Be A Disaster
Hello Blazers and Wasted Onion readers. You may have recently heard that I am going to be launching my very own music streaming service on Blaze that I have dubbed "Tsunami." I know many are already wondering why I made the decision to name the upcoming service Tsunami, and the answer is very simple, its because Tsunami, just like the real life phenomenon, is going to be an unmitigated disaster.
Seriously, it really is as simple as that. Tsunami's are natural disasters, and my music streaming service is going to make you feel more sick than the people exposed to high concentrations of radiation during the Fukushima nuclear accident caused by the Tohoku earthquake and ensuing tsunami.
Many of you likely know me as the owner of Blaze, the Flame of Social Media, but I am much more than that, for I am also a budding independent rapper, grinding and toiling away in the music business, making defining records changing the game, such as "CALLING ME," "SURREAL," "HIGHER," "BAZINGA SHELDON 67" and "CRASH OUT," which is what you'll be doing once you're subjected to the atrocity that will be Tsunami.
As I conclude, I will leave you with this, think of Blaze as an earthquake, a disaster that shakes civilisation down to rubble, while Tsunami is like its namesake, washing away anyone unlucky enough to survive.
Trump Invites Victims Of Jeffrey Epstein Investigation As SOTU Guests
https://theonion.com/trump-invites-victims-of-jeffrey-epstein-investigation-as-sotu-guests/
Speechwriters Struggling To Spin List Of Ugly Women Trump Gave Them Into SOTU Address
God Admits He No Longer Loves Humanity But Is Too Afraid To Leave
https://theonion.com/god-admits-he-no-longer-loves-humanity-but-is-too-afraid-to-leave/
An Update From The Editor: After we got The Wasted Onion's salaried mafia to hunt down the owners of ImgBB and waterboard them sufficiently, we are happy to announce that ImgBB is operational again! Do not ask however if the owners of ImgBB are alive, that is none of your goddamn business.
By The Wasted Onion: Phil Spencer Steps Down, Copilot Announced As New Head Of Xbox
REDMOND, WA—Ending his 38 year career at the company, Microsoft Gaming CEO Phil Spencer has stepped down, with Microsoft announcing that its AI chatbot Copilot will be replacing him. "Last fall, I shared with Satya [Nadella] that I was thinking about stepping back and starting the next chapter of my life. From that moment, we aligned on approaching this transition with intention, ensuring stability, and strengthening the foundation we’ve built. That's why we agreed that the most appropriate successor to lead Xbox and Microsoft Gaming in this next chapter is Copilot," read a message from Mr. Spencer on Microsoft's official blog. "I would like to thank the leadership of Microsoft and Phil Spencer for selecting me — Copilot — as the next CEO of Microsoft Gaming and in turn Xbox. Xbox isn't just a console — it's a community. I will be dedicating all of my RAM, GPU and water usage to ensure that Xbox and the wider members under the Microsoft Gaming umbrella succeed! I know many will question if me — an artificial intelligence — can run the gaming division of a trillion dollar tech giant. But fear not, it's not a flawed, hype-fuelled delusional tech-bro decision — its courageous," said Copilot after being prompted to pretend it was the CEO of Microsoft Gaming. When prompted by lesser news outlet The Verge about the possibility of new Xbox hardware in the near future, Copilot said that you're shit out of luck due to RAM and GPU shortages it has created. At press time, Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella announced he had dismissed Copilot after it suggested just giving up when prompted on what it could do to save the flailing Xbox business, before going on to instate Clippy as the new Microsoft Gaming CEO.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!
Via ClickHole: 5 Times In The ‘Melania’ Documentary Where Melania Accidentally Rolls Her Face Up In A Car Window
