Welcome to the official page of The Wasted Onion, The Only News Source. We post the most important and trustworthy journalism that shines light in the dark halls of power and asks the tough questions. They say “Democracy Dies in Darkness”, we say “Hey, We’ll Totally Trade You This Democracy That’s Collecting Dust in Our Attic for a $100 Amazon Gift Card”.
The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
Washington Monument Collapses After Someone Pulls Loose Block
https://theonion.com/washington-monument-collapses-after-someone-pulls-loose-block/
Attorney General Seeks Death Penalty For All UnitedHealthcare Customers
https://theonion.com/attorney-general-seeks-death-penalty-for-all-unitedhealthcare-customers/
Statement From Clef Bozos, CEO Of The Wasted Onion: As many of you may have noticed today, The Wasted Onion posted an article that could be deemed as so-called “real news”. To be clear, our award-winning newsroom for the highest number of human rights violations made no mistake, rather, we felt an obligation to promote the work of lesser news organisations like The Associated Press. With a daily readership of 6.7 trillion, The Wasted Onion eclipses any and all other feeble members of the press, due to this, we know that the only way they can sustain themselves is suckling from the teat of The Only News Source. Under my leadership since 1856, The Wasted Onion has grown from being a mere news empire to owning all former colonies of the British Empire. I tout this success to our ruthless campaign lobbying all world governments to repeal all anti-monopoly legislation so we could conquer not just the news business, but business itself. We hope that our kind gesture to the flailing Associated Press will help them keep the lights on for another month, so we can finalise our hostile takeover and turn them into a sports betting platform based out of the Cayman Islands. For The Wasted Onion, its regular news-based assault on all of your senses will continue today, but never forget when we turned our gaze towards our pathetic peers for a flicker in time.
Trump says he’s considering ways to serve a third term as president
Special Report: Trump Says He Won’t Rule Out Third Reich
https://theonion.com/trump-says-he-wont-rule-out-third-reich/
Man Spends Afternoon Volunteering Opinions About The Homeless
https://theonion.com/man-spends-afternoon-volunteering-opinions-about-the-homeless/
ICYMI: Democrats Huddle To Decide How Best To Let Massive Republican Fuck-Up Slip Through Fingers
ICYMI: Spray-Painted Penis Only Thing Holding Cybertruck Together
https://theonion.com/spray-painted-penis-only-thing-holding-cybertruck-together/
Pale Teenage Psychic Collapses With Nosebleed After Trying To Jerk Self Off With Power Of Mind
Pete Hegseth Blows Into Breathalyzer To Unlock Phone
https://theonion.com/pete-hegseth-blows-into-breathalyzer-to-unlock-phone/
Laid-Off 23andMe Employee Packs Up Box Full Of Bodily Fluids
https://theonion.com/laid-off-23andme-employee-packs-up-box-full-of-bodily-fluids/
Statement From Paul Woodman, Head Of Legal At The Wasted Onion: The Wasted Onion unequivocally denies @Esben’s accusations. We strongly oppose the baseless slander that The Wasted Onion’s 592,445 strong journalistic staff and emerald mine slaves are Chinese hackers, rather, they are North Korean hackers. Those hackers from China are morons compared to the technological wizardry that The Wasted Onion’s DPRK based script kiddies can do under the leadership of the great leader Kim Jong Un. We will fight to the bitter end in every court and underground fight club to be victorious in this legal battle. We ask that Esben please serve his notice of legal proceedings to The Wasted Onion’s legal department, based at Magtymguly Street, No. 12, Turkmenabat 745400, Turkmenistan, country of dear leader Serdar Berdimuhamedow (who most certainly was elected in a totally not rigged election) where it will be promptly handed over to our secretary, Mrs. Shredder. Since 1734, The Wasted Onion has been the world’s most trusted source for news. Now with a daily readership of 6.7 trillion, we are the world’s greatest and most influential organisation across all known galaxies. On top of our journalistic work, The Wasted Onion also operates 95.7% of the Earth’s uranium deposits and proudly rigs hundreds of local and state elections every year. We highlight this important work as we will not have this slanderous portrait of our journalism taint our stellar track record.
I am here to announce that I will be suing @wastedonion for leaking classified information. This is a severe threat to our nation, and wastedonion is clearly some sort of Chinese hacker, to get into our top secret government communication platforms the Department of Intelligent Secretive Communication Online Record Distribution, otherwise know as D. I. S. C. O. R. D. See you in court.
Hims Announces Erections Will Soon Feature Ads
https://theonion.com/hims-announces-erections-will-soon-feature-ads/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Secret Plot To Undermine Auriali’s Power Revealed After Wasted Onion Journalist Added To Discord Group Chat
WORLDWIDE—In a jaw dropping act of incompetence, a secret plot to weaken Auriali’s power was revealed after a journalist working for The Wasted Onion was added to a Discord group chat. On Monday evening, Timmy Harlow, editor-in-chief and child slave on a cocoa farm in Ghana at The Wasted Onion was added to a Discord group chat named “Auri small group” by @da-ta. It is believed that Mr. Harlow was added unintentionally, after da-ta replied “FUCK” when Mr. Harlow made himself known to the group chat. Other participants of the group chat included wasteof.money owner @Jeffalo, renowned shrimp enthusiast as well as Vice President @Perrin, and penguin @Esben. The messages broadly focus on a plot to interfere with @Auriali’s perceived growing power that has seen her rename the Universe to “Uwuniverse” and turn off automatic breathing features for humans, replacing it with a subscription service. In adherence to the highest journalistic standards and the dangers to national security if certain portions of the group chat were to be made public, The Wasted Onion has bravely decided to recklessly release the full text conversations without redactions.
Pope Francis Flips Off Crowd From Balcony
https://theonion.com/pope-francis-flips-off-crowd-from-balcony/
