Welcome to the official page of The Wasted Onion, The Only News Source. We post the most important and trustworthy journalism that shines light in the dark halls of power and asks the tough questions. They say “Democracy Dies in Darkness,” we say “Hey, We’ll Totally Trade You This Democracy That’s Collecting Dust in Our Attic for a $100 Amazon Gift Card.”
The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
By The Wasted Onion: ICE Deployed In Canada
OTTAWA, CANADA—In a further escalation of his administrations crackdown on illegal immigrants, U.S. President Donald Trump has deployed Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents in Canada. "As our Brave ICE Patriots do their jobs of MAKING AMERICA SAFE, I know we need to rip out the illegal aliens in all places. That's why I am deploying our beautiful ICE Officers to the upcoming 51st state of America, CANADA!" posted the president to his Truth Social account, while presumably getting his bruised hand covered with makeup for the 10th time today. "The only ice we Canadians are expecting is of the water-based variety. Canadians are not interested in having ICE in their neighbourhoods, unlike what the president believes," said Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney at a press conference soon after Trump's post. "We advise all Canadians to carry with them a copy of the Epstein files printed out with them at all times, as we discovered this is a sort of ‘kryptonite’ for ICE agents and any Trump official for that matter." As ICE agents were seen crossing the border into Canada, many expressed confusion why Canadian locals didn't look anything like the ones seen on American animated sitcom "South Park." At press time, ICE officials clarified that their intent was to kill everyone in Canada, with one senior official explaining that "there is no possibility of illegal aliens when there are no foreigners in existence."
This stories headline was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!
ICYMI: Trump Scolds Female Reporter For Being Adult
https://theonion.com/trump-scolds-female-reporter-for-being-adult/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Maduro Appears On Dr. Disrespect Livestream Dressed In Dr. Disrespect Cosplay
This special report was dreamt and suggested by @leblankr, thank you!
New MrBeast Video Lets Competitors Keep As Much Cash As They Can Eat
https://theonion.com/new-mrbeast-video-lets-competitors-keep-as-much-cash-as-they-can-eat/
By The Wasted Onion: Dr. Disrespect Loses Doctorate
SAN DIEGO, CA—Following an extensive and intense review of the livestreamers academic work during his studies at the institution, the University of Discourtesy has revoked former Twitch streamer Dr. Disrespect's doctoral degree in disrespect. "After a long and arduous review of the former students academic works produced in achieving his doctorate at the university, we have confirmed that his dissertation had many intentionally falsified and plagiarised elements. This does not conform with our academic standards, especially since he did not do so with the intent to disrespect those who marked the dissertation," said university President Dr. Harold Scorn Flippancy. "Take for example how the student claimed he measured disrespect levels of a disabled child he mocked with a disrespectometer [a device inserted into the anus to measure an individuals level of feeling disrespected], we discovered he actually just made the measurements up, and the child wasn't even disabled, he just spoke Welsh." In the wake of the revoked doctorate, Dr. Disrespect can no longer use the title of doctor, instead now being required to refer to himself as Mr. Disrespect, or his full name, Mr. Jeffrey Diddy Disrespect II. At press time, the University of Discourtesy clarified its decision had nothing to do with Mr. Disrespect inappropriately messaging a minor on Twitch, pointing out that it was in line with the universities teachings of being an impertinent piece of shit.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!
AI Chatbot That Only Responds ‘Huh’ Valued At $200 Billion
https://theonion.com/ai-chatbot-that-only-responds-huh-valued-at-200-billion/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Kiwi Shows Signs Of Being Catgirl In Recent Post
This special report was written and suggested by @angelo, thank you!
What I Lack In Physical Strength, I Make Up For In Pubic Hair
https://theonion.com/what-i-lack-in-physical-strength-i-make-up-for-in-pubic-hair/
The Wasted Onion Magazine: Murd’oh! This Dipshit Helped Trump Get Back Into The White House And Still Got Sued By Him
ICE Agent Scores Easy Win By Deporting Own Family
https://theonion.com/ice-agent-scores-easy-win-by-deporting-own-family/
By The Wasted Onion: ICE Anxious To Get To Part Where Mass Killings Just A Statistic
WASHINGTON—Expressing increasing weariness at the public outcry towards the organisations recent actions, sources close to the leadership at Immigration and Customs Enforcement said Monday that the agency is anxious to get to the part where the mass killing of innocent American citizens becomes just another statistic. "I gotta tell you guys, I personally cannot wait until we get to the stage where the general public stops giving a shit about how many of them we kill in cold blood. Because this whole ‘scrutiny’ and ‘public outrage’ is a real drag," said Acting Director of ICE Todd Lyons to staff during a meeting with ICE agents who kept looking for anything moving that they could shoot at. "I mean, it couldn't have taken this long for those dumbass working class morons to accept countless school and mass shootings? I feel like that kind of traumatic and preventable atrocity was made a staple of the American dream way faster than our efforts to bring forth the American branded secret police." Concluding the meeting, Mr. Lyons and other top ICE officials stood around an inverted pentagram before reciting a chant in an unknown language, floating just off the ground while the room filled with blood. At press time, ICE received instructions from the Department of Homeland Security to start shooting up schools to speed up the nations numbness to the atrocities the agency was committing.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Starmer Suggests Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor Do Everyone A Favour By Killing Himself
ICYMI: JD Vance Places Candle Outside Hooters Where ICE Agents Were Heckled
https://theonion.com/jd-vance-places-candle-outside-hooters-where-ice-agents-were-heckled/
