Welcome to the official page of The Wasted Onion, The Only News Source. We post the most important and trustworthy journalism that shines light in the dark halls of power and asks the tough questions. They say “Democracy Dies in Darkness”, we say “Hey, We’ll Totally Trade You This Democracy That’s Collecting Dust in Our Attic for a $100 Amazon Gift Card”.
The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
RFK Jr. Flushes Nation’s Antidepressants
https://theonion.com/rfk-jr-flushes-nations-antidepressants/
Trump Announces Seal Team 6 Killed U.S. Protester In Daring Overnight Raid
https://theonion.com/trump-announces-seal-team-6-killed-u-s-protester-in-daring-overnight-raid-2/
By The Wasted Onion: Remembering Pope Francis: The First Pope To Like Pineapple On Pizza
VATICAN CITY—Pope Francis’s papacy brought many achievements and firsts in the Catholic Church, such as being the first Latin American pontiff and first non-European to hold the papacy since 741, but many will remember him as the first Pope to like pineapple on pizza. “I fondly remember how during my first meeting with him, he brought out his Popephone and ordered a pizza with extra pineapple,” said cardinal Giuseppe Marino in an interview with The Wasted Onion. “It was one of his many loves during his life, he would tell me stories about how his parents would take him to their local Pizza Hut for his birthdays and treat him to a Hawaiian Sizzler.” Cardinal Marino went on to speak about how the first Argentinian pope would regularly order the ham and pineapple pizza with a side of potato wedges, cookies, and a bottle of Coca-Cola Zero Sugar from the local Domino’s. At press time, reports suggested JD Vance, who was one of the last people to meet the late pope, had brought a cheeseburger pizza from Papa Johns as a gift, which Pope Francis reportedly rejected, saying “this is the greatest sin I’ve ever had the displeasure of witnessing in my 12 years of papacy,” before Vance was escorted out.
Pete Hegseth: ‘There Are No State Secrets In A Healthy Relationship’
https://theonion.com/pete-hegseth-there-are-no-state-secrets-in-a-healthy-relationship/
Special Report Via The Hard Times: Pope Francis Dies Rather Than Spend Any More Time With JD Vance
https://thehardtimes.net/culture/pope-francis-dies-rather-than-spend-any-more-time-with-jd-vance/
From The Archives: Returning Jesus Christ Downed By U.S. Missile Defense 30,000 Feet Before Making Landfall
https://theonion.com/returning-jesus-christ-downed-by-u-s-missile-defense-3-1828884383/
Easter Special Report: Report: 17% Of Easter Egg Hunts End In Child Setting Off Landmine
https://theonion.com/report-17-of-easter-egg-hunts-end-in-child-setting-of-1848769896/
ICYMI: Historians: Quibbling Over Exact Definition Of Concentration Camp Sign Of Healthy Society
Obamas Show Off Vibrant Marriage By Inviting Nation To Join Them In Boudoir
https://theonion.com/obamas-show-off-vibrant-marriage-by-inviting-nation-to-join-them-in-boudoir/
‘Show Me Where You Make Autism!’ Shouts RFK Jr., Storming Sour Patch Kids Factory
https://theonion.com/show-me-where-you-make-autism-shouts-rfk-jr-storming-sour-patch-kids-factory/
By The Wasted Onion: Donald Trump Signs Executive Order To Rename New Mexico To New America
ALBUQUERQUE, NM—In a move designed to promote what he claimed was “American greatness,” President Donald Trump signed an executive order Thursday renaming the state of New Mexico to New America. “The beautiful state of New America will finally be great again, folks! Wow,” said Trump to reporters after signing the executive order while on a visit to 308 Negra Arroyo Lane, claiming that former President Joe Biden and Mexican lawmakers were involved in the naming of the state during its founding in 1912. “Biden, he made them name it New Mexico, because the Mexican’s paid him, they did that, but we’re going to honour New America’s true patriots. Every single one. Like Walter White, Jesse Pinkman, all those guys. I know them well, very good people.” Trump went on to add that he intends to make Mexico pay for any costs incurred from the process of renaming the state. At press time, Trump officials drafted plans to rename Washington D.C. to “Washington Deez Nuts” after Elon Musk reportedly suggested the idea.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @eris, thank you! Find their original post below.
God Placed Into Deity Protection Program After Witnessing Murder
https://theonion.com/god-placed-into-deity-protection-program-after-witnessing-murder/
By The Wasted Onion: Anti-Trump Republicans Want Return To Only Racism
FORT WORTH, TX—Expressing disapproval over President Donald Trump’s return to the White House, a roundtable of anti-Trump Republicans conducted by The Wasted Onion said they want a return only to racism. “I cannot believe what this administration is doing, from gutting the federal workforce to tariff chaos, this isn’t the Republican Party I remember, I remember when they just wanted to oppress the inferior races,” said Jim Earling, a 32-year-old delivery driver. “I’m appalled at what they’re doing to USAID, I think we should be helping people in countries less fortunate than us, except Asian countries, we don’t need any more Coronaviruses,” added Vivien Quinn, a 45-year-old dietician, “we just want to go back to hating minorities for taking our jobs and speaking languages we don’t understand. Why can’t the Republican’s understand that?” When asked about the Republican Party’s attacks on transgender individuals using the bathroom of their choosing, the group disagreed with the party’s stance. “It’s complete nonsense, there are more important issues the party should be focusing on, like black men using the same bathrooms as me,” said Mr. Earling.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!
You’re Not The Man I Married—You’re Significantly More Attractive And Loving
https://theonion.com/youre-not-the-man-i-married-youre-significantly-more-attractive-and-loving/
Salvadoran President Claims He Lacks Humanity To Return Wrongly Deported Man
https://theonion.com/salvadoran-president-claims-he-lacks-humanity-to-return-wrongly-deported-man/
