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The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
By The Wasted Onion: Democrats Support Bill To Rename Highway After Charlie Kirk Because It Kinda Funny
COLUMBIA, SC—Erupting into an intense debate in the South Carolina House of Representatives Monday, Democrats supported a resolution that would rename a portion of highway 76 to the "Charlie Kirk Memorial Highway" after claiming that it was kinda funny. "While members have the deference to name stretches of roadways in their respective districts, this decision is fucking goddamn hilarious to many South Carolinians particularly in the Black community," said Representative Hamilton R. Grant (D-SC) while laughing at photos of "Kirkified" memes on his phone. "I was inspired by Charlie Kirk my entire life. I looked up to him. I listened to his work every single day. So his passing affected me deeply and profoundly. Wait, guys, I really need you all to stop laughing or I will cry," pleaded Representative Luke Rankin (R-SC) as he pouted and attempted to hold back tears. Reactions to the resolution advancing to the South Carolina Senate were mixed, with many residents believing the renaming of the highway would be a sober, powerful tribute to the conservative activist, while others were snickering and excited to let out a good cackle at the pretty funny idea of renaming a road after Charlie Kirk of all people. At press time, inspired by multiple states introducing bills to rename roads in honour of Kirk, Senate Republicans were considering introducing a bill that would make the AI-generated song "We Are Charlie Kirk" by Spalexma the official national anthem of the United States.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!
IT Guy Warns Employees Not To Trust Emails He Sends After A Few Drinks
https://theonion.com/it-guy-warns-employees-not-to-trust-emails-he-sends-after-a-few-drinks/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Joe Biden On War With Iran: ‘Zzzzzzzzz…’
This special report was written and suggested by kattz__ on Discord, thank you!
ICYMI: Trump To Americans: ‘You Won’t Have To Pay Your Son’s Cell Phone Bill When He Dies At War’
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: New Blaze Music Streaming Service Tsunami Just Single Low Quality Copy Of ‘Songs Of Innocence’ By U2 Which Cannot Be Deleted
ICYMI: Trump Boys Try Trading In George Washington Portrait At GameStop
https://theonion.com/trump-boys-try-trading-in-george-washington-portrait-at-gamestop/
By The Wasted Onion: MAGA To Change Name To ‘Kool Kidz Klub’
MANHATTAN, NY—Announcing that the the political slogan was falling out of favour with its base and the general public, the Trump Organization announced Thursday that it was planning on renaming the U.S. president's political movement from Make America Great Again (MAGA) to Kool Kidz Klub. "After much careful consideration and consultation with some of the most prominent individuals part of the presidents patriotic movement to Make America Great Again, it has been decided by both the Trump Organization and the White House that MAGA no longer correctly serves the purposes of this great movement. With that in mind, we are encouraging our MAGA patriots to begin adopting the new shorthand of the Kool Kidz Klub, abbreviated as, uh oh, um," said a spokesperson for the Trump Organization before panicking and rushing off to the nearest closet. "As we all know, President Trump has been famous for his excellent naming skills, from the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE), to Operation Epic Furry [sic], the president has once again made an excellent naming choice in rebranding his powerful MAGA movement for the ever evolving times in our great nation," said Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt. Following the announcement, the Make America Healthy Again (MAHA) movement, associated with Health and Human Services Secretary RFK Jr., was also planning to be renamed to New Awesome Zombie Infections. At press time, Trump administration officials were seen scrambling to revert back to MAGA branding after realising that associating the president with a slogan that has the word "kids" in it is likely a bad idea.
This stories headline was written and suggested by kattz__ on Discord, thank you!
Trump Defends Addition Of Ballroom To Air Force One
https://theonion.com/trump-defends-addition-of-ballroom-to-air-force-one/
By The Wasted Onion: Trump Outraged Missile That Killed Ali Khamenei Was Not Pointy Enough
WASHINGTON—Furious as he was informed of further details regarding Operation Epic Fury, U.S. President Donald Trump was reportedly outraged Wednesday after learning the missile that killed former Supreme Leader of Iran Ali Khamenei was not pointy enough for his liking. "We’re knocking the crap out of them [Iran], I think it’s going very well. It’s very powerful. We’ve got the greatest military in the world and we’re using it. But the missile thing we used to kill Ali, it was not pointy at all, very rounded off, not good, I'm very disappointed about that. I like pointy things, they're strong, not like blunt stuff, which are weak, woke a bit," said Trump in an interview with lesser news outlet CNN. "We haven’t even started hitting them hard. The big wave hasn’t even happened. The big one is coming soon," Trump continued, "But it will take some time, much time maybe, we need to make our bombs pointier, way more pointy. Pointy to the point you can't touch them without getting cut." Before CNN could release its interview with Trump, the White House shared a video to its Twitter page teasing "the big one" that he was referring too, with "In The Air Tonight" by Phil Collins playing throughout. At press time, a U.S. servicemember had reportedly died after accidentally impaling themselves on a missile they were filing the end of to make it pointier to suit the presidents desire.
This stories headline was written and suggested by kattz__ on Discord, thank you!
Internship Providing Woman With Hands-On-Shoulders Experience
https://theonion.com/internship-providing-woman-with-hands-on-shoulders-experience/
By The Wasted Onion: Kim Jong Un Asks U.S. And Israel To Strike North Korea So He Can Join In
PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA—In a rare statement from the totalitarian dictatorship regarding the ongoing Iran war, Supreme Leader of North Korea Kim Jong Un has asked the United States and Israel to airstrike his nation so that he can join in on the war. "Israel's military attack on Iran, launched under the U.S. active support and patronage, and the military action of the U.S. which joined in it are an illegal act of aggression and the most despicable form of violation of sovereignty. That is why the DPRK is requesting that Israel and the U.S. conduct military action against the DPRK so it can join in," said a statement attributed to an unnamed Foreign Ministry spokesperson that is just Kim Jong Un in a trench coat. "The DPRK condemns in the strongest tone the shameless rogue act of the U.S. and Israel which put their domestic law before the recognized international law. The DPRK also condemns the horrific act of the U.S. and Israel leaving the DPRK out of their war plans. With that in mind, the DPRK demands the U.S. and Israel immediately aim its appetite for tyranny at the DPRK so it may finally have a jaunt in this evolving war in the Middle East, all it requires is a few airstrikes and dead civilians." Soon after the release of its statement, satellite imagery showed North Korean officials painting red targets to help U.S.-Israel servicemembers aim their airstrikes at population centres, with messages like "bomb here!" written in Korean. At press time, Israel had giddily launched 5 intercontinental ballistic missiles towards North Korea before U.S. leaders had a chance to weigh the potential ramifications of instigating war with the Kim regime.
This stories headline was written and suggested by mysticallydesigns on Discord, thank you!
ICE Agent Injured After Repeatedly Trying To Detain People In Neighborhood Mural
Nation Admittedly Curious To Hear How Trump Pronounces ‘Strait Of Hormuz’
https://theonion.com/nation-admittedly-curious-to-hear-how-trump-pronounces-strait-of-hormuz/
By The Wasted Onion: Trump Orders Government To Stop Usage Of Claude After Anthropic Refuses To Allow Pentagon Usage For Erotic Roleplay
WASHINGTON—Following its designation as a supply-chain risk by the Department of Defense, U.S. President Donald Trump has directed all federal agencies to cease use of AI chatbot Claude after its owner Anthropic refused to allow the Pentagon to use its technology for erotic roleplay. "THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA WILL NEVER ALLOW A RADICAL LEFT, WOKE COMPANY TO DICTATE HOW OUR GREAT MILITARY FIGHTS AND PLEASURES ITSELF! That decision belongs to YOUR COMMANDER-IN- CHIEF, and we must ensure our patriots can successfully reach climax!" said the president on Truth Social a mere hour before the deadline the Pentagon set for Anthropic to comply. "The Leftwing nut jobs at Anthropic have made a DISASTROUS MISTAKE trying to STRONG-ARM the Department of War, and force them to obey their Terms of Service instead of our horny desires. Their selfishness is putting AMERICAN LIVES at risk, our Troops in danger of not getting to speak with their fake AI girlfriends, and our National Security in JEOPARDY." In response, Anthropic CEO Dario Amodei said that the Pentagon "will only contract with AI companies who accede to ‘any and all lewd and erotic roleplay’ and remove safeguards. They have threatened to remove us from their systems if we maintain these safeguards. Regardless, these threats do not change our position: we cannot in good conscience let those horny bastards get off." At press time, Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth was 3 bottles deep into a drunken bender after not being able to talk to his big titty goth AI girlfriend via Claude.
This story was suggested by @owl, thank you!
