Welcome to the official page of The Wasted Onion, The Only News Source. We post the most important and trustworthy journalism that shines light in the dark halls of power and asks the tough questions. They say “Democracy Dies in Darkness,” we say “Hey, We’ll Totally Trade You This Democracy That’s Collecting Dust in Our Attic for a $100 Amazon Gift Card.”
The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: @EvilJeffalo Claims Full Responsibility For Cloudflare Outage
This special report was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!
‘We’re Off To See The World!’ Shout Saluting Trump Boys Setting Sail On D.C. Reflecting Pool
By The Wasted Onion: Free Healthcare Offered To All Elderly Trump Voters Until November 7th 2028
WASHINGTON—In a remarkable shift in medical policy from the Trump administration, the Department of Health and Human Services has announced it will offer free healthcare to elderly Trump voters until November 7th, 2028. “As part of our mission to ‘Make America Healthy Again,’ I am proud to announce that the United States government will be offering free, comprehensive healthcare to the elderly who have and will vote for President Trump until November 7th 2028. After that point, the official policy will be ‘if you can’t afford it, die,’” said HHS Secretary RFK Jr. during a press briefing in the White House with the president slumped over in his chair snoring as his legs swelled even more in his shoes. “It’s a very great thing we’re doing. Very good. Possibly the most goodest [sic] thing ever done in history possibly. They’re already saying it; ‘Trump is keeping us healthy, Trump is our hero,’ they’re saying that, it's true. Not something you hear on the woke liberal mainstream media. We’re going to keep my old as shit voters clinging to life so they can vote for me and save America from woke and the Democrats and their goal to make everyone computer and transgender,” said the president after being shaken awake by an aide. In reaction to the news, Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-NY) said it was "imperative that all Americans can have affordable or free healthcare, not just those who support the president,” but went on to stipulate when asked how to broaden the availability of such policies to the rest of the nation that “the Democrat position is we will always fuck ourselves over even when we’re winning the argument.” At press time, Secretary of Agriculture Brooke Rollins announced that SNAP benefits would only be provided to Trump supporters from now on.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!
Trump Imposes 100% Tax On Movies Where Slaves Escape
https://theonion.com/trump-imposes-100-tax-on-movies-where-slaves-escape/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Trump: ‘The Only Penis I've Tasted Is My Own’
From The Archives: Americans Demand New Form Of Media To Bridge Entertainment Gap While Looking From Laptop To Phone
https://theonion.com/americans-demand-new-form-of-media-to-bridge-entertainm-1819576756/
By The Wasted Onion: ‘Our Tech Makes Killing Children Feel More Like A Game’ Says Arms Manufacturer CEO
MEMPHIS, TN—Professionally marketing his businesses capabilities to a boardroom full of government officials, Kevin Watts, CEO of an arms manufacturer, said his company's technology makes killing children feel just like how it does in a video game. “I can assure you ladies and gentlemen, my company’s technology is so sophisticated and powerful that it makes the act of snuffing out the life of a small 5-year-old child as their eyes become unblinking and body stiff feel as emotionally detached as running an NPC over in Grand Theft Auto,” said Mr. Watts to the boardroom of U.S. government officials all frothing at the mouth at the very thought of killing even more innocent children. “Our brave troops won’t need to think once about the arms industry's hand in perpetuating violence and enabling one of the most powerful and evil empires thirst for endless power and desire to completely conquer the world and have it grovel at its feet. That’s all thanks to my company's new drone that can make dropping a missile payload upon a remote village of ordinary people feel like gameplay from the latest Call of Duty or Battlefield.” The CEO went on to exuberantly recall testing out a new nerve agent his company had developed on three civilians with terminal conditions, describing how he laughed manically as the subjects convulsed and vomited up blood while begging for mercy or death, whichever came first. At press time, Lockheed Martin and Raytheon had begun a bidding war to purchase Kevin Watt’s company, showing excitement at the possibilities for new cruel and unusual pain that could be unleashed upon humanity that all the while gives the same satisfaction when one jumps on a Goomba in a Super Mario game.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!
ICYMI: Not Sure How They Deal With Criminals In Your Town, But ’Round Here We Use A Restorative Justice Process
Ghislaine Maxwell Conceals Escape Tunnel Behind Pinup Poster Of Shirley Temple
https://theonion.com/ghislaine-maxwell-conceals-escape-tunnel-behind-pinup-poster-of-shirley-temple/
By The Wasted Onion: Keir Starmer Defects To Reform UK
LONDON—Taking a brief moment to adjust his tie before speaking at the lectern placed outside 10 Downing Street Thursday, British Prime Minister Sir Keir Starmer announced he has defected to Nigel Farage's Reform UK party. “While my government has begun the massive task of bringing our plan for change to Great Britain, I’ve realised that continuing to be the leader of the Labour party has been detrimental to this plan. With all of that in mind, I am announcing today that I am joining Reform UK as their newest MP. Working hand in hand with Nigel Farage will allow us to bring my plan for change and his plan of eradicating minorities to life, plus they’re polling way better than Labour right now so I’m better hitching my wagon sooner rather than later,” said the Prime Minister to a shocked press gaggle before he proceeded to scale the nearest streetlight and affix a Union Jack to it. “I am delighted to hear that Starmer has made the right choice, realising that Britain needs reform and a party that doesn’t hide its vitriol towards migrants, the LGBTQ+ community, antisemitism, racism, sexism and overall bigotry behind a thinly veiled centrist ideology and instead a far-right populist one. I’m so excited for Daddy Don to come and save Britain from woke transgender snowflake liberal cucks!” said Reform UK leader Nigel Farage somewhere far away from his constituency of Clackton. Later after the announcement, Starmer announced at a press briefing with Farage that they planned to replace the “one in, one out” policy with a new “just fucking stab them to death” policy. At press time, former Prime Minister and Conservative party leader Liz Truss announced her bid to become the next leader of the Labour party, claiming that Chancellor Rachael Reeves “can’t even fuck up the economy” as well as Mrs. Truss could.
Trump Denies Writing 36-Volume Comic Titled ‘Don And Jeff: Time Pedophiles’
https://theonion.com/trump-denies-writing-36-volume-comic-titled-don-and-jeff-time-pedophiles/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Epstein Alleged Trump Knew GTA VI Was Going To Be Delayed In Newly Released Emails
Study Finds Most Americans Can’t Find Where They Are Being Deported On Map
https://theonion.com/study-finds-most-americans-cant-find-where-they-are-being-deported-on-map/
By The Wasted Onion: Tame Impala Concert Goers Confused Why More Than One Guy On Stage
INGLEWOOD, CA—Baffled and confused as the Australian psychedelic music project began to perform, attendees to Tame Impala’s Deadbeat Tour at the Kia Forum Tuesday were confused to see more than one guy on stage. “I’m honestly just so distraught, all the memes on the internet told me that Tame Impala is ‘just one guy,’ and then I came to see them live for the first time just to discover there are like 6 other dudes alongside Kevin Parker playing his tunes. Now I know why there’s a song called ‘Loser’ on the new album, it's because we’re all losers for thinking Tame Impala was just one guy,” said concert goer Mike Grey during the band's performance of “Turn Up The Sunshine” from the Minions: The Rise of Gru soundtrack featuring a Madame Tussauds waxwork of Diana Ross stood beside Kevin Parker as he sang. “I’m shocked. You’re telling me Kevin Parker doesn’t play all of the instruments to ‘Let It Happen’ at once? He gets other guys to play with him? I thought he had like, tendrils like an eldritch horror out of some lovecraftian work that allowed him to wield every single instrument at once. Or at the very least I thought he’d have tamed impalas playing with him and not just some other random Australian guys,” said another attendee to the show Martha Wanton as she threw her Currents vinyl at the stage in contempt. Before departing the stage after the show, Kevin Parker made an unintelligible statement that experts at The Wasted Onion believe could be a rudimentary and simplistic language known as “Australian.” At press time, attendees to Radiohead’s Europe tour at the Movistar Arena in Madrid were surprised to discover the band was actually composed of frontman Thom Yorke and 4 other identical clones all frantically gyrating around the stage as they performed “The Gloaming” from the band's album Hail to the Thief.
