Welcome to the official page of The Wasted Onion, The Only News Source. We post the most important and trustworthy journalism that shines light in the dark halls of power and asks the tough questions. They say “Democracy Dies in Darkness”, we say “Hey, We’ll Totally Trade You This Democracy That’s Collecting Dust in Our Attic for a $100 Amazon Gift Card”.
The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
By The Wasted Onion: News From The Future: “Trump Dies From Natural Causes Orchestrated By Woke Left”
PALM BEACH, FL—In a moment that has left the MAGA movement reeling, the 45th and 47th President as well as King of the United States of America, Canada and Greenland Donald Trump has died of natural causes orchestrated by the woke left at the age of 90. “It is with great regret that we announce our lord and saviour King Donald Trump peacefully passed away in the early hours of Tuesday after the woke mob dastardly choreographed our King’s totally natural demise,” said a statement from the White House sponsored by Qatar Airlines in part. “The lunatic left has shown once again their true motive; tearing down our glorious King’s 12-year reign by planning on bringing forth our handsome leaders completely natural ceasing of existence due to old age and one too many Big Macs.” The statement continued, vowing that the White House sponsored by Qatar Airlines would destroy the woke mind virus to honour the memory of the late King as well as a state funeral where a planned 10 million migrants being held in an El Salvadorian prison would be executed in memory of Trump. Hours after the announcement, the White House sponsored by Qatar Airlines was preparing a conclave to elect the nation’s next leader, with current frontrunners being Prince Kid Rock, RFK Jr.’s brain worm, Canada Governor X Æ A-12, and Grok.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!
Sean Combs Asks For Quick Trial So He Can Get To Part Where Trump Pardons Him
https://theonion.com/sean-combs-asks-for-quick-trial-so-he-can-get-to-part-where-trump-pardons-him/
Trump Administration Offers Free At-Home Loyalty Tests
https://theonion.com/trump-administration-offers-free-at-home-loyalty-tests/
ICYMI: Dad Impressed By How Easily New Lawn Mower Tore Through Son’s Leg
https://theonion.com/dad-impressed-by-how-easily-new-lawn-mower-tore-through-sons-leg/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Earth Appoints Wasted Onion Owner Clef Bozos As CEO In Sale To The Wasted Company
GLASGOW, SCOTLAND—Explaining that the multibillion-dollar purchase was a strategic and sound business decision, Wasted Onion parent company The Wasted Company confirmed Sunday that it had acquired Earth, with Clef Bozos becoming the planet’s new CEO. “We are thrilled to announce that Earths board of directors have approved The Wasted Company’s bid to acquire their rapidly warming business,” said the business magnate at a press conference outside The Wasted Company’s Glasgow manual labour camp. “We here at The Wasted Company and its subsidiaries like The Wasted Onion, Fyre Festival and Theranos have always been committed to the destruction of everything that is good in this mortal plane, and we are delighted to be able to extend this ethos to Earth.” Mr. Bozos announced that Wasted Company staffers had already begun immediate layoffs by slitting the throats of workers and throwing them in a ditch as well as replacing the social media manager of the @EarthDevs wasteof account with an AI that according to reports had replied to several users to “stop hogging all the goddamn oxygen.” Bozos concluded the media event by reassuring that The Wasted Onion would remain fiercely under his authoritarian-like thumb in its reporting of his acquisition of Earth.
We are proud to announce that Earth© has a new CEO, who has provided the company with funding to continue the simulation well into the future! 
As well as providing the money to keep you all alive, our new CEO is also making the company more self sustainable. Think of it as going from a big study to a new company.
These changes include (but are not limited to) new advertisements in the game from the real world, downsizing of the company to be more resource efficient, and more that are all covered in our new terms of service which you have automatically agreed to.
Sadly, this means that I, the account manager, have been let go of to continue the adventure of life elsewhere, but fear not! The Company is actively working on a new replacement.
Happy travels, Earthlings 
ICYMI: U.S. Offers Semiconductors To China In Exchange For Holographic Charizard
https://theonion.com/u-s-offers-semiconductors-to-china-in-exchange-for-holographic-charizard/
Elon Musk Pushes Child Aside On Way To Escape Pods As Starbase Collapses
https://theonion.com/elon-musk-pushes-child-aside-on-way-to-escape-pods-as-starbase-collapses/
Pope Leo XIV: ‘There Couldn’t Be A Better Time To Get The Fuck Out Of America Forever’
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: White Mango Flavoured Vape Smoke Rises From Sistine Chapel Chimney
Trump Absent-Mindedly Snacks On Constitution
https://theonion.com/trump-absent-mindedly-snacks-on-constitution/
Trump Decries Lack Of U.S.-Made Products Lodged In American Rectums
https://theonion.com/trump-decries-lack-of-u-s-made-products-lodged-in-american-rectums/
By The Wasted Onion: Trump Announces 350% Tariff On All Oxygen-Breathing Taking Place Outside U.S.
WASHINGTON—In a shocking escalation of his continuing trade war with nations across the globe, President Donald Trump announced Tuesday that he was imposing a 350% tariff on all foreign oxygen breathing. “The American breathing industry is facing a very fast death. Other countries taking our oxygen are doing so without paying us a dime. This is a concerted effort by other nations to take American oxygen for themselves and therefore is a national security threat,” Trump wrote in a Truth Social post, stating that the new oxygen intake tariffs would be imposed with immediate effect. “I am authorizing the Department of Commerce and the United States Trade Representative to immediately begin instituting a 350% tariff on any and all oxygen breathing outside our great nation.” Trump went on to say to reporters outside the south lawn of the White House that the fresh tariffs are “magnificent” and would “make oxygen great again!” At press time, the new tariffs have reportedly already cost countries worldwide roughly 690 quadrillion dollars, with penguins inhabiting Heard Island and McDonald Islands, who were also hit with the new tariffs, threatening to melt icecaps which would send the U.S. mainland underwater.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @kiwi, thank you!
Trump Vows To Reopen Joann Fabrics As Prison
https://theonion.com/trump-vows-to-reopen-joann-fabrics-as-prison/
Via The Shovel: Zelensky Says Trump Should ‘Just Accept’ Deal for Canada To Take Over USA
