Welcome to the official page of The Wasted Onion, the only news source. We post the most important and trustworthy journalism that shines light in the dark halls of power and asks the tough questions. They say “Democracy Dies in Darkness”, we say “Hey, We’ll Totally Trade You This Democracy That’s Collecting Dust in Our Attic for a $100 Amazon Gift Card”.
The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
Trump Unable To Focus In Meeting As Pressure Of Booking Kennedy Center Summer Jazz Series Looms
Trump Boys Get Tongues Stuck To Frozen White House
https://theonion.com/trump-boys-get-tongues-stuck-to-frozen-white-house/
Forgetful Man Playing Fast And Loose With Free Trials
https://theonion.com/forgetful-man-playing-fast-and-loose-with-free-trials/
CIA Announces It Has Obtained The Briefcase
https://theonion.com/cia-announces-it-has-obtained-the-briefcase/
By The Wasted Onion: New Wasteof4 Feature Allows Users To Delete Accounts They Don’t Like
THE INTERNET—In a move that has already sent shockwaves through the community, wasteof.money owner Jeffalo has introduced a new wasteof4 feature that allows users to delete accounts they don’t like. “Since you guys can’t ever seem to get along, I’ve decided to arm you all with the ability to delete anyone else’s account at any time for any reason you see fit,” said Jeffalo in a post early Monday afternoon, claiming that giving users this ability would prevent future moderation issues. “Just think about it, if you guys can essentially nuke each other at any time, you’ll be in a perpetual state of paralysing anxiety that’ll make you unable to voice your thoughts on anything for fear of being deleted by someone, moderation solved!” At press time, @da-ta has become the first user to be deleted using the feature, user @Auriali in a statement to The Wasted Onion said that she was the one to delete the da-ta account because he was “nowhere near as cool” as her.
Trump Unsure What Department He Has To Cut To Make JD Vance Go Away
https://theonion.com/trump-unsure-what-department-he-has-to-cut-to-make-jd-vance-go-away/
From The Archives: NASA Panics After Asteroid Fires Back
https://theonion.com/nasa-panics-after-asteroid-fires-back-1849587289/
From The Archives: Denver Optometrist Not Sure Why He Has Gay Cult Following
https://theonion.com/denver-optometrist-not-sure-why-he-has-gay-cult-followi-1819566358/
Valentine’s Day Special Report: JD Vance Sets Out Little Heart-Covered Mailbox On Desk Just In Case
https://theonion.com/jd-vance-sets-out-little-heart-covered-mailbox-on-desk-just-in-case/
Kendrick Lamar Awarded Nobel Beef Prize
https://theonion.com/kendrick-lamar-awarded-nobel-beef-prize/
Man Allows All Cookies So Website Won’t Be Mad At Him
https://theonion.com/man-allows-all-cookies-so-website-wont-be-mad-at-him/
Musk Signals Willingness To Bid More Than $97 Billion To Acquire Respect
https://theonion.com/musk-signals-willingness-to-bid-more-than-97-billion-to-acquire-respect/
GigSlave Goes Public With $84 Billion Valuation
https://theonion.com/gigslave-goes-public-with-84-billion-valuation/
Genius Outsmarts Bank By Using Credit Card To Pay Off Other Credit Card
https://theonion.com/genius-outsmarts-bank-by-using-credit-card-to-pay-off-other-credit-card/
Super Bowl LIX Special Report: Fox Bleeps Out Entire Kendrick Lamar Performance
