Welcome to the official page of The Wasted Onion, The Only News Source. We post the most important and trustworthy journalism that shines light in the dark halls of power and asks the tough questions. They say “Democracy Dies in Darkness,” we say “Hey, We’ll Totally Trade You This Democracy That’s Collecting Dust in Our Attic for a $100 Amazon Gift Card.”
The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Trump Congratulates America On Super Bowl Win
This special report was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!
Trump Attempts To Distract From Epstein Files By Gaining 200 Pounds
https://theonion.com/trump-attempts-to-distract-from-epstein-files-by-gaining-200-pounds/
Biden Grateful He’s Not Alive To See What Trump Doing To Country
https://theonion.com/biden-grateful-hes-not-alive-to-see-what-trump-doing-to-country/
Super Bowl LX Special Report: Terrified Conservatives Lose Ability To Speak English After Exposure To Bad Bunny Performance
By The Wasted Onion: Man Who Put Cat In Box With Poison Awarded FIFA Peace Prize
ZURICH, SWITZERLAND—Proudly accepting the second ever award of its kind from the Fédération Internationale de Football Association, a man who put a cat in a box with poison has been awarded the FIFA Peace Prize. "Here at FIFA, we believe that ‘Football Unites the World.’ The FIFA Peace Prize is to reward individuals who have taken exceptional and extraordinary actions for peace and by doing so have united people across the world. That is why I am so happy to announce the winner of the second annual FIFA Peace Prize for their incredible and peacefully fucked up animal treatment is Barry Dinger!" said President of FIFA Gianni Infantino before welcoming Barry Dinger to the stage to accept the award. "Yo man, thanks so much to my peeps at FIFA for this totally cool reward bro. When I put my auntie's cat in that box with a flask of poison and a radioactive source connected to a Geiger counter, I had no idea the ballers at FIFA would think my far out wacky thinking would get me this cool as hell trophy bro," said Mr. Dinger during his acceptance speech. Reaction to the award were mixed, with the RSPCA expressing frustration over whether Dinger's actions constituted animal abuse due to being unable to determine if the cat was dead or alive in the box. Following his win, Mr. Dinger said his next project would involve genetically engineering a cat that changes appearance when nearby nuclear radiation.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!
Via NewsThump: Farage bodyguard wearily bats away yet another time-travelling assassin from the future
By The Wasted Onion: ICE Deployed In Canada
OTTAWA, CANADA—In a further escalation of his administrations crackdown on illegal immigrants, U.S. President Donald Trump has deployed Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents in Canada. "As our Brave ICE Patriots do their jobs of MAKING AMERICA SAFE, I know we need to rip out the illegal aliens in all places. That's why I am deploying our beautiful ICE Officers to the upcoming 51st state of America, CANADA!" posted the president to his Truth Social account, while presumably getting his bruised hand covered with makeup for the 10th time today. "The only ice we Canadians are expecting is of the water-based variety. Canadians are not interested in having ICE in their neighbourhoods, unlike what the president believes," said Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney at a press conference soon after Trump's post. "We advise all Canadians to carry with them a copy of the Epstein files printed out with them at all times, as we discovered this is a sort of ‘kryptonite’ for ICE agents and any Trump official for that matter." As ICE agents were seen crossing the border into Canada, many expressed confusion why Canadian locals didn't look anything like the ones seen on American animated sitcom "South Park." At press time, ICE officials clarified that their intent was to kill everyone in Canada, with one senior official explaining that "there is no possibility of illegal aliens when there are no foreigners in existence."
This stories headline was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!
ICYMI: Trump Scolds Female Reporter For Being Adult
https://theonion.com/trump-scolds-female-reporter-for-being-adult/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Maduro Appears On Dr. Disrespect Livestream Dressed In Dr. Disrespect Cosplay
This special report was dreamt and suggested by @leblankr, thank you!
New MrBeast Video Lets Competitors Keep As Much Cash As They Can Eat
https://theonion.com/new-mrbeast-video-lets-competitors-keep-as-much-cash-as-they-can-eat/
By The Wasted Onion: Dr. Disrespect Loses Doctorate
SAN DIEGO, CA—Following an extensive and intense review of the livestreamers academic work during his studies at the institution, the University of Discourtesy has revoked former Twitch streamer Dr. Disrespect's doctoral degree in disrespect. "After a long and arduous review of the former students academic works produced in achieving his doctorate at the university, we have confirmed that his dissertation had many intentionally falsified and plagiarised elements. This does not conform with our academic standards, especially since he did not do so with the intent to disrespect those who marked the dissertation," said university President Dr. Harold Scorn Flippancy. "Take for example how the student claimed he measured disrespect levels of a disabled child he mocked with a disrespectometer [a device inserted into the anus to measure an individuals level of feeling disrespected], we discovered he actually just made the measurements up, and the child wasn't even disabled, he just spoke Welsh." In the wake of the revoked doctorate, Dr. Disrespect can no longer use the title of doctor, instead now being required to refer to himself as Mr. Disrespect, or his full name, Mr. Jeffrey Diddy Disrespect II. At press time, the University of Discourtesy clarified its decision had nothing to do with Mr. Disrespect inappropriately messaging a minor on Twitch, pointing out that it was in line with the universities teachings of being an impertinent piece of shit.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!
AI Chatbot That Only Responds ‘Huh’ Valued At $200 Billion
https://theonion.com/ai-chatbot-that-only-responds-huh-valued-at-200-billion/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Kiwi Shows Signs Of Being Catgirl In Recent Post
This special report was written and suggested by @angelo, thank you!
What I Lack In Physical Strength, I Make Up For In Pubic Hair
https://theonion.com/what-i-lack-in-physical-strength-i-make-up-for-in-pubic-hair/
The Wasted Onion Magazine: Murd’oh! This Dipshit Helped Trump Get Back Into The White House And Still Got Sued By Him
