Welcome to the official page of The Wasted Onion, The Only News Source. We post the most important and trustworthy journalism that shines light in the dark halls of power and asks the tough questions. They say “Democracy Dies in Darkness,” we say “Hey, We’ll Totally Trade You This Democracy That’s Collecting Dust in Our Attic for a $100 Amazon Gift Card.”
The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
Trump Announces 5,000% Increase In All Numbers
https://theonion.com/trump-announces-5000-increase-in-all-numbers/
By The Wasted Onion: Trump Cancels All Executive Orders With Biden’s Signature On
WASHINGTON—Claiming that his predecessor was “unfit” during his tenure, U.S. President Donald Trump announced Monday that he has begun the process of cancelling all executive orders that have former President Joe Biden’s signature on them. “Any document signed by Sleepy Joe Biden, which was approximately 100% of them, is hereby terminated, and of no further force or effect. Signatures are NOT allowed to be used if approval is not specifically given by the President of the United States. The Radical Left Lunatics circling Biden around the beautiful Resolute Desk in the Oval Office took the Presidency away from him when he fell asleep, which was very often because of Hunter Biden,” read a post in part made to the president’s Truth Social account. “I am hereby cancelling all Executive Orders, and anything else that was directly signed by Crooked Joe Biden, because the way he operated his signature was done so illegally. Joe Biden was involved in the signature process and, if he says he wasn’t, he will be brought up on charges of being sleepy. Thank you for your attention to this matter!” As part of the process of voiding any documents signed by former President Biden, the Trump administration stated it was using an autopen to speed up the process of terminating every document Biden had ever signed since birth. At press time, former Vice President Kamala Harris said that it was in fact her and Major, Joe Biden’s dog, who signed everything for Biden during his presidency.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!
Homeland Security Relaxes Species Requirements To Join ICE
https://theonion.com/homeland-security-relaxes-species-requirements-to-join-ice/
Via ClickHole: Another Tacky Renovation: Trump Just Added A Solid Gold Sybian To The White House Goon Cave
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: President Kiwi Held Hostage With Access Only To Scratch
This special report was written and suggested by @errplane, thank you!
ICYMI: Man Who Thought Fleetwood Mac’s ‘The Chain’ Was Over In For Thrill Of His Fucking Life
Black Friday Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Local Drug Dealer Has Pretty Good Black Friday Deals on Cocaine Right Now
Researchers Determine Moon Serves No Purpose But Alerting Raccoons It Safe To Come Out
Cousins Form Pact To Get Laid By End Of Thanksgiving
https://theonion.com/cousins-form-pact-to-get-laid-by-end-of-thanksgiving/
By The Wasted Onion: Netanyahu Purchases Wasteof For $13
JERUSALEM, ISRAEL—Leaving both his supporters and critics confused as well as surprised Wednesday, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has announced that he purchased Swiss social media site wasteof.money for $13. “It is with great enthusiasm that I can announce my bid for wasteof.money was successful. After short negotiations with the sites previous owners that were almost as constructive as the negotiations I’ve had with Hamas, I officially acquired wasteof for ₪42.50 [$13]. I have great plans for the small but bustling social media site; such as a new moderation team run by the IDF and Mossad that will protect users from harmful content, such as posts advocating for the humane treatment of the so-called Palestinians,” said the Prime Minister outside the Beit Aghion. “One of the many reasons I decided to purchase wasteof is to root out the horrific antisemitism rife on the platform. The amount of people who seem to believe that the people of Gaza and the West Bank deserve human rights and dignity is horrifying. This will need to be solved in the only way possible, by getting Elon Musk to fuck the site up beyond recognition. We did think about airstriking the site, but we were sad to discover you cannot drop bombs on a website yet, we’ll get there eventually, and we’ll make sure to waste plenty of money doing it.” Mr. Netanyahu continued, stating that The Wasted Onion was to be banned from the site if it did not stop making fun of him and Israel, which is seen by experts to be near enough impossible. At press time, Netanyahu said he was planning on transitioning wasteof over to Israeli web development platform Wix, following the “success” of competing social media site Blaze which also used the platform.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @salad, thank you!
Medical Student Practices Fat Shaming On Cadaver
https://theonion.com/medical-student-practices-fat-shaming-on-cadaver/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Man Confused Whether It 2030 After COP30
This special report was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!
MPA Rates ‘Zootopia 2’ PG-13 For Sexually Awakening Content
https://theonion.com/mpa-rates-zootopia-2-pg-13-for-sexually-awakening-content/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: TallPeter Posthumously Sworn In As Interim Wasteof President After Kiwi Lost In Action
