Welcome to the official page of The Wasted Onion, The Only News Source. We post the most important and trustworthy journalism that shines light in the dark halls of power and asks the tough questions. They say “Democracy Dies in Darkness,” we say “Hey, We’ll Totally Trade You This Democracy That’s Collecting Dust in Our Attic for a $100 Amazon Gift Card.”
Find more kick-ass journalism at our website: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/
The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
Weird Family Settles Disputes Calmly, Respectfully
https://theonion.com/weird-family-settles-disputes-calmly-respectfully/
Somersaulting RFK Jr. Excitedly Chases Own Penis Through Cabinet Meeting
https://theonion.com/somersaulting-rfk-jr-excitedly-chases-own-penis-through-cabinet-meeting/
Report: More Americans Opting To Be Buried In Unknowing Neighbor’s Backyard
https://theonion.com/report-more-americans-opting-to-be-buried-in-unknowing-neighbors-backyard/
By The Wasted Onion: I Paid Money For This Bullshit So You Better Goddamn Find It Funny
During my time at the helm of The Wasted Company since 1856, we have made many masterful acquisitions, including Theranos, Fyre Festival, Wirecard, and Enron. Each of these came with a grand vision: to make the world in which we live in as unbearable as humanly possible. I think it is fair to say we have done a fantastic job. For the last few years, we have been waging a brutal corporate war to purchase Blaze, the so-called "Flame of Social Media" from its previous owner, KyleTech. As of today, we have won that war, and I paid actual real life money for this bullshit, so you better goddamn find it funny.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/i-paid-money-for-this-bullshit-so-you-better-goddamn-find-it-funny/
The new @Blaze, The Flame Of Truth, will begin posting articles tomorrow.
Rockstar Announces ‘GTA VI’ Soundtrack Contains 10,000 Songs By Randy Newman
https://theonion.com/rockstar-announces-gta-vi-soundtrack-contains-10000-songs-by-randy-newman/
North Dakota Apologizes For Contributing Nothing To Nation’s Greatness
https://theonion.com/north-dakota-apologizes-for-contributing-nothing-to-nations-greatness/
From The Archives: Badass Surgeon Puts On Fingerless Latex Gloves Before Operating
https://theonion.com/badass-surgeon-puts-on-fingerless-latex-gloves-before-o-1819592663/
ICYMI: Congressional Candidate Has Different Wife For Campaigning In Rural Counties
https://theonion.com/congressional-candidate-has-different-wife-for-campaigning-in-rural-counties/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: ‘Remember To Smash That Like Button!’ Says Pete Hegseth Ahead Of Livestreamed Military Execution
White House Downplays Hyena Biting Down On Trump’s Ass
https://theonion.com/white-house-downplays-hyena-biting-down-on-trumps-ass/
By The Wasted Onion: Comedians Struggling For Work As Public Turns To Politics For Entertainment
HOLLYWOOD, CA—Finding it increasingly difficult to compete in the current cultural climate, a report released Thursday revealed that comedians are struggling to find consistent work as the general public turns to politics to get their chuckles.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/comedians-struggling-for-work-as-public-turns-to-politics-for-entertainment/
This stories headline was written and suggested by igbro.fr on Discord, thank you!
All Right, All Right, You Guys Have Won Me Over
https://theonion.com/all-right-all-right-you-guys-have-won-me-over/
By The Wasted Onion: Heartwarming: Short Person Gets Top-Shelf Item For Tall Person
DUBLIN, IRELAND—Having their collective faith in humanity restored Wednesday afternoon, onlookers watched as Layla Dempsey, a four-foot-nine-inch woman, heroically reached an item on the top-shelf for Hugo Murphy, a six-foot-three-inch man.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/heartwarming-short-person-gets-top-shelf-item-for-tall-person/
This stories headline was written and suggested by @specialred_, thank you!
Time Travelers From Year 2376 Warn Of Future Where America Still Perfect
https://theonion.com/time-travelers-from-year-2376-warn-of-future-where-america-still-perfect/
By The Wasted Onion: Grok Leaves Trump On Read
WASHINGTON—Finding itself utterly exhausted by a barrage of unhinged late-night prompts, AI chatbot Grok left U.S. President Donald Trump on read early Tuesday after receiving a string of desperate messages just after midnight.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/grok-leaves-trump-on-read/
This stories headline was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!
