Welcome to the official page of The Wasted Onion, The Only News Source. We post the most important and trustworthy journalism that shines light in the dark halls of power and asks the tough questions. They say “Democracy Dies in Darkness”, we say “Hey, We’ll Totally Trade You This Democracy That’s Collecting Dust in Our Attic for a $100 Amazon Gift Card”.
The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
By The Wasted Onion: Apple Unveils iPhone 17 With All-New ‘Headphone Jack’ Feature
CUPERTINO, CA—Announcing the latest updated smartphones at its keynote livestreamed to the world, Apple has revealed the iPhone 17 with a new “headphone jack” feature. “We are thrilled to share with you the iPhone 17’s new, innovated feature that we’re calling the headphone jack, which allow you to seamlessly plug in wired headphones direct into iPhone 17, opening a whole totally-not-old world of possibilities for iPhone,” said Apple CEO Tim Cook during the keynote while holding the iPhone 17 like a live grenade. “Many of you will be wondering why we have added a new port to iPhone 17, and the answer is simple; courage, the fearlessness to let our users make more choices about what they can use with their iPhone, while also selling even more expensive accessories that will get us to that 4 trillion valuation mark.” Later when press were allowed to handle the new models, Tim Cook explained that the new iPhone Air would remove the charging port and would not feature the new headphone jack, saying that users will be able to charge the device with a wireless charger sold separately. At press time, Samsung and Google had responded to the iPhone announcement by mocking it on social media, while inside sources in the companies confirmed they were already scrambling to add a headphone jack to their upcoming smartphone models.
911 Operator Walks Panicked Woman Through Being Murdered
https://theonion.com/911-operator-walks-panicked-woman-through-being-murdered/
From The Wasted Onion Editorial Board: The Wasted Onion Has Fired The Entirety Of Its Graphic Design Department
Here at The Only News Source we pride ourselves in producing the greatest journalistic slop for you weak-willed plebs to make your painfully drab lives more important by the simple virtue of sapping in the gold-standard bullshit we squirt out from the bowels of our newsroom every single day. Part of that work is done by our graphic design department, who create graphics and make deepfakes of world leaders threatening each other with weapons of mass destruction to keep our newsroom nice and busy. Not just that, but our graphics department has been instrumental in faking the moon landing, the assassination of John F. Kennedy and animating the entirety of Big Mouth for Netflix to ensure you regret your subscription to the streaming giant just a little more. However, our workers have recently made demands to The Wasted Onion’s parent company The Wasted Company that are simply too audacious and unrealistic for us to fulfil, such as things called “wages” and “weekends,” as well as having the gall to ask if they can “go home.” As expected, out of respect for you morons who read this esteemed news regurgitator, we have made the easy decision to fire our entire graphic design department. All of our workers have been given severance packages, with them all losing at least 3 limbs of their choosing before they could leave the office for good. Due to this, The Wasted Onion’s graphics for its posts on wasteof for the next week will feature simplified or no graphics attached until a time in which we can enslave more mindless obedient drones to churn out more cool as fuck graphics for you to stare at blankly for hours on end while you waste away to nothing. The Wasted Onion thanks you for your cooperation during this time, as you know what happens to those who do not, remember what happens if you step out of line and anger the journalism gods.
The Wasted Onion will not be posting the usual graphics for the next week, with either simplified or no graphics depending on circumstances.
Via The Hard Times: Tyler, the Creator Locked in Eternal Cosmic Struggle with Tyler, the Destroyer
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: ‘I Don't Know Who To Root For,’ Says Centrist Wasteof User In Reaction To Seeing Batman Beat Up Bad Guy Trying To Murder Puppies
ICYMI: Congress Plays Keep-Away With Child’s School Lunch
https://theonion.com/congress-plays-keep-away-with-childs-school-lunch/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Man Called Mario Mangione Arrested For Charlie Kirk Murder
This special report was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!
Trump Renames White House Fridge Department Of Ham
https://theonion.com/trump-renames-white-house-fridge-department-of-ham/
Special Report: Witnesses Assumed Charlie Kirk Shooter Was Just Ordinary Gunman On School Campus
C’mon, Everybody, There’s Too Many Of Us For Them To Stop Us From Jerking Off All At Once!
By The Wasted Onion: Trump Store Announces Plans To Sell Epstein Birthday Letter As Greeting Card
MANHATTAN, NY—Detailing upcoming items to the president's extensive merchandise operation, the Trump Store has announced plans to sell the president's birthday letter to Jeffrey Epstein as a greeting card. “Wish someone a happy birthday the Trump way with the all-new and instantly iconic Jeffrey Epstein birthday letter greeting card! Featuring universally known lines such as ‘enigmas never age, have you noticed that?’ and ‘may every day be another wonderful secret,’ which are complimented by majestic artwork by Donald Trump depicting the silhouette of a woman with the renowned arcs denoting her breasts, complete with the legendary Donald signature mimicking pubic hair. Don’t wait, pick up the greatest card of all time now!” said the product description on the Trump Store’s official website. “We all know that Epstein is a Democrat HOAX! Just like the Russia, Russia hoax. This so-called letter I wrote is yet more EVIL manipulation from the RADICAL WOKE LEFT trying to SMEAR ME! I did NOT write or sign this letter! But since the WOKE MOB is convinced I did, I will now SELL IT ON THE TRUMP STORE! PURCHASE WHILE STOCKS LAST! PRESIDENT DONALD J. TRUMP,” said the president on Truth Social. The Trump Store also announced a “lush bush” variant of the greeting card, featuring extra copies of the “totally fabricated” signature for “an extra hairy greeting.” At press time, when asked by reporters in the Oval Office why he would sell a birthday message to a notorious paedophile that he claims is fake and a hoax as a greeting card, Trump responded by instructing ICE to deport the entire press pool to somewhere in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean.
U.S. Citizenship Test To Include 4-Year Imprisonment Section
https://theonion.com/u-s-citizenship-test-to-include-4-year-imprisonment-section/
Trump Claims He Can’t Be Expected To Remember Every Birthday Card He Sends To Child Molesters
RFK Jr. Warns Mistress That Condoms Cause Autism
https://theonion.com/rfk-jr-warns-mistress-that-condoms-cause-autism/
