Welcome to the official page of The Wasted Onion, The Only News Source. We post the most important and trustworthy journalism that shines light in the dark halls of power and asks the tough questions. They say “Democracy Dies in Darkness”, we say “Hey, We’ll Totally Trade You This Democracy That’s Collecting Dust in Our Attic for a $100 Amazon Gift Card”.
The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
Pete Hegseth Wondering Whether Uranium Would Be A Good Mixer
https://theonion.com/pete-hegseth-wondering-whether-uranium-would-be-a-good-mixer/
By The Wasted Onion: Trump To Remove Tax On Bribes
WASHINGTON—In a startling alteration to the nation's taxation laws, President Donald Trump announced Monday he has instructed the IRS to remove taxes on bribes. “I have told the IRS that they need to cut taxes for our nation's beautiful bribers, we have to do it, very important work. It’s vital I keep my promise to make as much money as I can out of this shitshow,” said the President in a televised address from the White House with a group of Saudi Arabian and Chinese business people standing behind him waving stacks of 100 dollar bills. “If you're a restaurant worker, a server, a valet, a bellhop, a bartender, one of my many foreign handlers, your bribes will be 100% mine and every other politician across this great nation.” Trump went on to exchange fiery words with the White House press pool, accusing journalists of peddling “lies and fake news,” while going on to praise The Wasted Onion’s White House Correspondent Jeffery Epstein as “a wonderful man” and “very kind” to him. At press time, Trump suggested further changes to the country’s tax laws, such as removing taxes for planes from Qatar worth approximately 400 million dollars.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!
Statement From Clef Bozos, CEO Of The Wasted Onion: Here at The Only News Source, our goal has been to bathe the darkest, murkiest corners of the world in the shining light of exceptional journalism. We have not just successfully done that since 1734, but since my tenure beginning in 1856, I have expanded our operations beyond any known borders, including the space time continuum. After forming The Wasted Onion’s parent business known as The Wasted Company, we’ve expanded into consulting, marketing, tax evading, lobbying for big tobacco, book burning, and the rigging of over 118 local and national elections across the globe. With The Crack Houses latest announcement that it will allocate the rest of its funding for this year to The Wasted Onion to secure the future of parody news, we just know we will be able to do even more fucked up cool as hell bullshit. I for one cannot wait to have those two cartoon flies whirling around me, entering any and all of my available orifices. Mmm, delicious. I’m getting excited just thinking about it. You and your fellow peasants may feel a small, gentle, 9.5 magnitude sized impact upon your miserable lives, but we feel it is worth it for our wonderful, sexy plans. Just remember, we matter, you don’t. Remember that consuming the fruits of our journalistic labour contributes to 1 of your 5 a day. Now go forth and consume. That’s right, down the hatch. It's scrumptious, isn’t it? Slurp it up, all of it.
I have watched and studied the way the people of wasteof and the Crack House use our money, how they engage our budget.
As the official Treasurer of the Crack House, the money of this platform is my responsibility, and therefore it is up to me to waste it. After months of consideration, I have found the perfect source to receive funding directly from the Crack House.
It is with immense pleasure that I announce that @wastedonion will be receiving the rest of this year's funding — that being the two cartoon flies in my wallet — to push towards the future of parody parody news. I hope that these flies find a rightful place either on your news team or as a bartering tool of some sort.
I understand that there may be some speculation over the cause of this funding. I can assure you that the fact that both the Wasted Onion and the Crack House have the same owner is purely coincidental, and is not a scheme to put more flies in the hands of our benevolent leader. I hope this clears up any possible confusion.
As for the future, the election seems to be rapidly approaching. Although no results of the election are predetermined, I plan on running for another government position, and I hope that my actions during this present term allow you to put complete faith in me for whatever the future may hold.
With all due respect, Toaks
Editorial: Congress, Now More Than Ever, Our Nation Needs Your Cowardice
https://theonion.com/letter-to-congress/
From The Archives: This War Will Destabilize The Entire Mideast Region And Set Off A Global Shockwave Of Anti-Americanism vs. No It Won’t
https://theonion.com/this-war-will-destabilize-the-entire-mideast-region-and-1819594296/
Why I’m Sending Issues of ‘The Onion’ To Every Member Of Congress
https://theonion.com/why-im-sending-issues-of-the-onion-to-every-member-of-congress/
From The Archives: Middle East Conflict Intensifies As Blah Blah Blah, Etc. Etc.
https://theonion.com/middle-east-conflict-intensifies-as-blah-blah-blah-etc-1819569079/
Congress Passes Blank Bill For Trump To Write Whatever Law He Wants
https://theonion.com/congress-passes-blank-bill-for-trump-to-write-whatever-law-he-wants/
By The Wasted Onion: G7 Nations Launch Minecraft Multiplayer Server
KANANASKIS, CANADA—Beside his fellow G7 leaders ready to make a historic announcement, Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney said the G7 member nations have agreed to launch a Minecraft multiplayer survival server. “The world requires that we speak in one, unified voice. We agreed the best way to do this was by launching a cool as hell Minecraft server,” said Mr. Carney. “I am thrilled to get stuck into building the Eiffel Tower to show the beauty of France in block form,” said French President Emmanuel Macron, with German Chancellor Friedrich Merz adding that he will “contribute German efficiency to the collection of diamonds.” Mere days after concluding the summit, G7 leaders logged onto the server for the first time, with Macron and Merz being joined by Italian Prime Minister Giorgia Meloni, European Commission President Ursula von der Leyen, and European Council President António Costa to go mining while British Prime Minister Keir Starmer stayed at spawn, claiming he didn’t want to “join the European single mining market.” Elsewhere, Japanese Prime Minister Shigeru Ishiba and Carney returned from the Nether to place a dried Ghast into water, hoping to build flag poles taller than the ones recently installed at the White House. At press time, U.S. President Donald Trump ventured into the End with full golden armour and tools to fight the Ender Dragon, resulting in him dying instantly before rage quitting.
Man Returning From Near-Death Experience Recalls Angels Making Him Sign NDA
https://theonion.com/man-returning-from-near-death-experience-recalls-angels-making-him-sign-nda/
By The Wasted Onion: Farage Announces Plan To Do What Trump Doing
WESTMINSTER, LONDON—Proudly standing outside the House of Commons waving a large stack of papers at reporters and onlookers, Reform UK leader Nigel Farage has announced his plan to do what U.S. President Donald Trump is doing. “I am proud to announce that I am going to do whatever the hell Trump is doing right now if I become Britain's next Prime Minister. For example, we’re going to be renaming the Irish Sea to the Gulf of England,” said Mr. Farage as he held up a map with the Irish Sea scribbled out and the Gulf of England written in its place with red Sharpie. “Britain desperately needs reform, and we’re the only ones poised to deliver that reform by copy pasting all of the batshit insane dumbassery Trump is doing across the pond. You’ve heard of making Canada the 51st state, now behold annexing the European Union into old Blighty!” Farage also promised to begin Trump-style mass deportations to some of the most harrowing places on Earth, such as Birmingham. At press time, British Prime Minister Keir Starmer announced plans to copy what Farage is doing, who is copying what Trump is doing, who is likely on his third Diet Coke of the day already.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!
Passengers At Gate Saddened By Poor Frightened Plane Loose Inside Airport
https://theonion.com/passengers-at-gate-saddened-by-poor-frightened-plane-loose-inside-airport/
Gunman Takes Huge Swing Ordering Hostages Buffalo Chicken Pizza
https://theonion.com/gunman-takes-huge-swing-ordering-hostages-buffalo-chicken-pizza/
By The Wasted Onion: OceanGate Announces New Paid Expeditions To See Wreckage Of Imploded Titan Submersible
