Welcome to the official page of The Wasted Onion, The Only News Source. We post the most important and trustworthy journalism that shines light in the dark halls of power and asks the tough questions. They say “Democracy Dies in Darkness,” we say “Hey, We’ll Totally Trade You This Democracy That’s Collecting Dust in Our Attic for a $100 Amazon Gift Card.”
The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
Rifle-Wielding Chair Umpire Asks Crowd If Making Noise During Australian Open Truly Worth Dying For
By The Wasted Onion: I Decided To Ban Blaze From Wasteof For Shits And Giggles
As the owner and a moderator of wasteof.money, it is important to me that I keep the platform safe and fun for all those who spend their time here. With no moderation the platform would descend into pure unfathomable chaos! With that in mind, I would like to explain that I decided to ban Blaze from wasteof.money for shits and giggles.
It's true, unlike some of our other bans over the years, this one was solely because I thought it'd be quite funny. I am happy to report that I do indeed find it very funny. I mean come on, it's Blaze! Why not, huh? Maybe the owners can ask their new "Nexus" AI chatbot thingamajig to come up with a way to get themselves unbanned!
Do not threat however, I do not plan on banning other people all over the place just for my own amusement. Except maybe The Wasted Onion. I know I'm writing in it right now, but I mean come on, it would be pretty hysterical for these guys to post my piece and then get banned afterwards, right? [Note from The Wasted Onion Editorial Board: we would like to formally beg Jeffalo to not ban us from wasteof, pretty please?] I bet the folks over at The Wasted Onion would find it funny!
Anyway, I better get back to my formal duties as wasteof owner. Though I will extend an offer to KyleTech to unban Blaze if he agrees to rename it "Balze."
RFK Jr. Demonstrates How To Remove Tapeworm By Scooting Ass Across Carpet
https://theonion.com/rfk-jr-demonstrates-how-to-remove-tapeworm-by-scooting-ass-across-carpet/
By The Wasted Onion: ‘Write That Down, Write That Down!’ Yells Nigel Farage After Seeing Footage Of ICE Murdering People With Impunity
LONDON, ENGLAND—Raising his voice to get the attention of nearby staffers, Reform UK leader Nigel Farage reportedly yelled "write that down, write that down!" after viewing footage of ICE agents in the U.S. murdering people with impunity. "My god, that is genius! Quickly, write that down, write that down! I can't forget this crucial part of my ambition to become prime minister. OK, so I need to hire a fuck-ton of unskilled racist morons to ‘enforce’ bullshit immigration laws as a pretence to kill people I don't like, got it!" said Farage to an aide while watching a news segment showing footage of ICE agents attacking innocent citizens in Minneapolis. "Now, what to call this agency that is beholden to no one but me? Well, since ICE is taken, perhaps I can use something like SPICE? Yeah, SPICE! Makes sense as well given that us Brits are horrified of anything with flavour. I for one would die if I ate a chicken korma," overshared Farage to the aide who just wanted to go home and cry themselves to sleep. According to further insider information, Farage said that if he was PM right now, he would offer any U.S. ICE agents put on leave following the death of Alex Pretti a job with SPICE so they can keep their kill counts up. At press time, British Prime Minister Sir Keir Starmer said he would create his own UK version of ICE before Farage could, with plans to do the exact same thing as Farage but with agents wearing rainbow pride masks instead.
Trump Asks Nicki Minaj To Explain Eating Ass
https://theonion.com/trump-asks-nicki-minaj-to-explain-eating-ass/
ICE Agent Stuffs Sock Under Mask To Give Himself Chin
https://theonion.com/ice-agent-stuffs-sock-under-mask-to-give-himself-chin/
By The Wasted Onion: Labour NEC Still Trying To Think Of Derogatory Nickname For Andy Burnham
GREATER MANCHESTER, ENGLAND—Following their decision to block Mayor of Greater Manchester Andy Burnham from ending his mayoral term early to run as a candidate in the upcoming Gorton and Denton by-election, the National Executive Committee of the Labour Party has said it is still trying to think of a derogatory nickname for Mr. Burnham. "Here at the National Executive Committee, we're busy providing strategic direction to the Labour Party. Our work is vital, such as the work we're doing right now thinking of insulting names for Andy Burnham," said NEC Chair Shabana Mahmood while looking visibly exhausted from the busy meeting where NEC members were workshopping belittling names for Burnham. "We've got a few frontrunners at the moment. Such as Achy Buttham, Nasty Heartburnham, Hanky Panky Pornham, Namby-Pamby Tax Returnham, Pantie Tornham and some others I can't remember off the top of my head." That evening, Labour leadership reassured party members that the NEC would not rest until it found a suitably childish playground insult to brand the Greater Manchester mayor with. At press time, a group of MPs sent a letter to British Prime Minister Sir Keir Starmer, warning that blocking Burnham from running in the by-election would damage Starmer's standing with party members, to which Starmer reminded MPs that he gets off on being despised.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!
By The Wasted Onion: Continuing Journey To Watch Every Movie Ever Made, Eris Rates Third Movie 10/10
THE INTERNET—Excitedly continuing their pursuit to watch every movie ever made since the invention of cinema itself, wasteof user @Eris rated "Accordion Player," the third movie ever made, 10/10. "just finished the 3rd movie ever made 10/10 i love movies," said a wasteof post by Eris reviewing the silent film directed in 1888 by Louis Le Prince, depicting his son, Adolphe Le Prince, playing the accordion for the entirety of the films 10 seconds of runtime. "Its just crazy, I mean, I have zero clue what he is playing since the thing is silent, but I bet its like Never Gonna Give You Up by Rick Astley or something. Plus, this was like over double the length of the last 2 movies I've watched, which were both 3 seconds. Can't wait to see if the fourth movie ever made is longer! Maybe a whole 12 seconds?" said Eris during a telephone interview with The Wasted Onion's entertainment editor Kevin Spacey. After viewing the fourth movie ever made, “Monkeyshines No.1 and 2,” directed by William K. L. Dickson and William Heise in 1889, Eris expressed delight that both shorts together comprised 57 seconds of runtime. At press time, Eris was distraught to learn that newer movies would require subscriptions to streaming services to view them, rather than using the Internet Archive or Wikipedia.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @kiwi and @stareye, thank you!
Police Ask For Public’s Help In Falsifying Report
https://theonion.com/police-ask-for-publics-help-in-falsifying-report/
By The Wasted Onion: Joe Biden Sneaks Back Into White House Under ‘Job Iden’ Pseudonym
WASHINGTON—In a elaborate scheme to reclaim the presidency for himself, former U.S. President Joe Biden snuck back into the White House Monday using a disguise and "Job Iden" pseudonym. "Hello Mr. President! I am Job Iden. Now my friend, I'm here on some very important business that I believe a skilled businessman like yourself will find of utmost interest! I hope I can interest you in brain-enhancement supplements? I know you're already a clever clogs, but trust me my friend, this lovely little pill can make that big beautiful brain of yours even bigger!" said Joe Biden while wearing a disguise consisting of a big moustache and top hat. "I like this guy, very smart. I'd say he's almost the smartest man I've met if I hadn't met myself! And I do have amazing brain health - reportedly the best health of any president in history - its true, that's what they say, the doctors, who give me MRI's all the time. You want to know why? It's because they're trying to figure out what makes me so healthy - ‘oh please, Mr. President, how are you so fit and healthy? We don't understand Mr. Trump’ - that's what the doctors say. So yes, Mr. Job, I'd like some of your brian [sic] pills," said President Trump moments before Biden’s fake moustache fell off due to the adhesive failing, to which Vice President JD Vance reportedly screamed "wait a minute, that's Joe Biden!" in a high pitched girly voice. According to inside sources, Biden said "Oh well, gotta run, see ya later, jack!" before making his escape while Trump administration aides shook their heads at the embarrassing incident. "That was a close call, Mr. President," said the newest aide according to reports, which was actually just former Vice President Kamala Harris wearing a big cartoon wig.
This stories concept was adapted from a Tumblr post suggested by @awestruckrevival, thank you!
God Informs Humanity Choking People Meant To Die
https://theonion.com/god-informs-humanity-choking-people-meant-to-die/
By The Wasted Onion: ICE Says Minneapolis Man Wouldn't Have Been Shot Dead If He Just Simply Wasn't Born
MINNEAPOLIS, MN—In the aftermath of a second fatal shooting by the hand of an Immigration and Customs Enforcement agent, this time of 37-year-old Minneapolis resident and U.S. citizen Alex Pretti, sparking renewed outrage and huge protests across the nation, ICE has issued a statement saying that Mr. Pretti would not have been shot if he simply was just never born. "The man now identified as the domestic terrorist and leftist agitator Alex Pretti would never have gotten himself shot by our patriotic and heroic agents if he simply just were never born in the first place," said Border Patrol Commander Gregory Bovino while sporting a fake moustache that resembled that of Adolf Hitler. "It is very simple, as long as you are never conceived, then you will not impede the federal governments operations across the nation to remove illegal aliens and keep Americans safe. However, if you are born, then tough luck hot shot, you're on the chopping block of our government sanctioned death squad full of untrained, braindead simpletons who value life so lowly that they legitimately think this is ‘Call of Duty’ in real life." In a press briefing following the incident, Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem said that Mr. Pretti, a ICU nurse at a Veterans Affairs hospital, was "the most horrific kind of evil. A person who tried to make the world a better place," before proceeding to laugh manically as her eyes turned red. At press time, Democrats warned ICE and Trump administration officials it would be handing them a "strongly worded" letter that demands ICE to pinkie-promise to kill people a little less frequently.
Via ClickHole: Innovation FTW! American Standard Toilets Will Now Come With A Third Flush Button Option For Flushing Yourself Down The Toilet
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: New Clause In Updated Scratch Terms Of Service Says Scratch Team Has Full Rights To Your Soul
