@wastedonion

God Admits He No Longer Loves Humanity But Is Too Afraid To Leave

https://theonion.com/god-admits-he-no-longer-loves-humanity-but-is-too-afraid-to-leave/

Editors note: Due to the folks over at ImgBB not having a fucking clue on how to run a working website, this post will not feature an image for the time being. We recommend you use that imagination of yours that makes you oh-so-special or some bullshit.

By The Wasted Onion: Phil Spencer Steps Down, Copilot Announced As New Head Of Xbox

REDMOND, WA—Ending his 38 year career at the company, Microsoft Gaming CEO Phil Spencer has stepped down, with Microsoft announcing that its AI chatbot Copilot will be replacing him. "Last fall, I shared with Satya [Nadella] that I was thinking about stepping back and starting the next chapter of my life. From that moment, we aligned on approaching this transition with intention, ensuring stability, and strengthening the foundation we’ve built. That's why we agreed that the most appropriate successor to lead Xbox and Microsoft Gaming in this next chapter is Copilot," read a message from Mr. Spencer on Microsoft's official blog. "I would like to thank the leadership of Microsoft and Phil Spencer for selecting me — Copilot — as the next CEO of Microsoft Gaming and in turn Xbox. Xbox isn't just a console — it's a community. I will be dedicating all of my RAM, GPU and water usage to ensure that Xbox and the wider members under the Microsoft Gaming umbrella succeed! I know many will question if me — an artificial intelligence — can run the gaming division of a trillion dollar tech giant. But fear not, it's not a flawed, hype-fuelled delusional tech-bro decision — its courageous," said Copilot after being prompted to pretend it was the CEO of Microsoft Gaming. When prompted by lesser news outlet The Verge about the possibility of new Xbox hardware in the near future, Copilot said that you're shit out of luck due to RAM and GPU shortages it has created. At press time, Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella announced he had dismissed Copilot after it suggested just giving up when prompted on what it could do to save the flailing Xbox business, before going on to instate Clippy as the new Microsoft Gaming CEO.

This stories headline was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!

Via ClickHole: 5 Times In The ‘Melania’ Documentary Where Melania Accidentally Rolls Her Face Up In A Car Window

https://clickhole.com/5-times-in-the-melania-documentary-where-melania-accidentally-rolls-her-face-up-in-a-car-window/

ICYMI: Lewis Hamilton Wondering If It Red Flag After Date Keeps Calling Ex ‘Crazy’

https://theonion.com/lewis-hamilton-wondering-if-it-red-flag-after-date-keeps-calling-ex-crazy/

Aide Wearily Begins 5th Explanation Of Why Trump Can’t Pardon Prince Andrew

https://theonion.com/aide-wearily-begins-5th-explanation-of-why-trump-cant-pardon-prince-andrew/

By The Wasted Onion: Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor Arrested, Has Penis Cut Off

SANDRINGHAM, ENGLAND—Facing mounting questions regarding the former prince's relationship with convicted child sex offender and sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein, Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor was arrested by Thames Valley Police Thursday morning at the Sandringham Estate before having his penis cut off while in custody. "As part of the investigation, we have today arrested a man in his sixties from Norfolk on suspicion of misconduct in public office and are carrying out searches at addresses in Berkshire and Norfolk. The man remains in police custody at this time. We have also removed the mans genitals as a precaution," said a statement in part published on the Thames Valley Police's website. "I have learned with the deepest concern the news about Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor and suspicion of misconduct in public office. What now follows is the full, fair and proper process by which this issue is investigated in the appropriate manner and that his genitals are removed by the appropriate authorities," said a statement from King Charles III. Later, details divulged regarding the arrest of Andrew revealed that the former prince was dragged kicking and screaming into the back of a unmarked police car where a plain-clothes police officer used a rusty hacksaw to mutilate and remove his tiny, shrivelled-up penis. At press time, Peter Mandelson, who was dismissed as British Ambassador to the United States after documents in the Epstein files revealed he had a close relationship with Epstein, had reportedly cut his own penis off with a kitchen knife out of fear the police would do it for him after learning of the arrest of Andrew.

Athletes In Raucous Olympic Village Fuckfest Fake Having Bible Study As Curlers Enter Room

https://theonion.com/athletes-in-raucous-olympic-village-fuckfest-fake-having-bible-study-as-curlers-enter-room/

All Upcoming Films Canceled After Every Living Actor Called To ‘Avengers: Doomsday’ Set For Reshoots

https://theonion.com/all-upcoming-films-canceled-after-every-living-actor-called-to-avengers-doomsday-set-for-reshoots/

By The Wasted Onion: ICE Mistakenly Deports JD Vance To El Salvador

TECOLUCA, EL SALVADOR—In yet another blow to the agency regarding its tactics and accuracy when it comes to how it handles law enforcement, U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement has mistakenly deported U.S. Vice President JD Vance to the Centro de Confinamiento del Terrorismo (CECOT) maximum security prison in El Salvador. "Today our brave and patriotic ICE heroes have captured and deported another highly dangerous illegal alien from American soil. Even more frightening was that this illegal alien was in close proximity to President Trump, claiming that he was the so-called vice president of the United States, which is just preposterous, no American has the first name JD," said Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem. Following intense confusion from the press pool and public after her announcement, Mrs. Noem said in a further statement that she was "regretful" for deporting the vice president, explaining that it was "simply now impossible to get him back as the Salvadorans are now responsible for Vance. Unfortunately ICE agents were unable to identify the vice president regardless of his pleas due to him not having applied his eyeliner yet." When asked about the deportation of JD Vance, President Trump showed a lack of interest, shrugging before commenting that "I don't know who that is, I'm still waiting for someone to hang Mike Pence." At press time, Salvadorian President Nayib Bukele claimed that JD Vance was "settling in well" to his new cell in CECOT, which he is currently sharing with over 55 other wrongly imprisoned men.

Trump Asks When He Gets To Kill Olympians Who Lost

https://theonion.com/trump-asks-when-he-gets-to-kill-olympians-who-lost/

Baby Fails To Change New Father In Any Way

https://theonion.com/baby-fails-to-change-new-father-in-any-way/

By The Wasted Onion: Starmer Threatens To Kill Larry The Cat In Effort To Convince MPs He Still Fit To Be Prime Minister

LONDON—In an effort to convince Labour MPs that he should retain his job following mounting calls to resign from his position, such as from Scottish Labour leader Anas Sarwar, British Prime Minister Sir Keir Starmer has threatened to kill Chief Mouser to the Cabinet Larry the cat. "I swear, if you come even an inch closer, I will do it! I don't care how ‘beloved’ this stupid tabby is, I will fight to the bitter end for this job! I know you love Larry, he's the only thing that keeps you sad sacks willing to come into No. 10. So, let me stay as PM, and the cat stays unharmed," threatened the Prime Minister as he brandished a kitchen knife and held it up to Larry's neck. "I know you all think I'm some weak-willed pushover who will do whatever the hell you want. Especially you backbenchers! But make no mistake, I will slit this kitty's throat if you even think of forcing me out the door. Watch as the very fabric of Britain is torn to shreds when they learn the only thing they like about UK politics is snuffed out in an instant with the simple movement of a knife." As MPs and civil servants pleaded with Starmer to let the Chief Mouser go, the 19-year-old feline fought back, using guerrilla tactics like scratching and biting the PM while looking right pissed off. Following the incident which sent Starmer to A&E, Larry gave an exclusive interview to lesser news outlet ITV News while prowling the perimeter of 10 Downing Street, saying that Starmer was a "meow" and a massive "meow meow," leaving press shocked at his crude and vulgar language.

ICYMI: Finnish Ski Jumping Team Caught Tampering With Earth’s Gravitational Field

https://theonion.com/finnish-ski-jumping-team-caught-tampering-with-earths-gravitational-field/

Valentine’s Day Special Report: Annual Valentine's Day Stoning Of Happy Couple Held

https://theonion.com/annual-valentines-day-stoning-of-happy-couple-held-1819594968/

By The Wasted Onion: Emails Reveal Jeffery Epstein Did 9/11

MANHATTAN, NY—In yet another bombshell exposing the influence of the deceased paedophile, new emails released as part of the Epstein files by the Department of Justice Friday revealed that child sex offender and sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein co-ordinated and executed the 9/11 terrorist attacks. "Looking to cause some chaos in nyc soon. need some planes and other stuff. - also do you have anyone insane and batshit enough to fly a plane for a fly by view of world trade center?" said an email sent by Epstein months before the 9/11 attacks, with the email having been sent to officials from Israel, Russia, Qatar, Iran, Iraq, Afghanistan, Disneyland and the Holy Roman Empire with "Sent from my iPad" appended to the end as a signature. "look forward to seeing you. I can either come wtih [sic] assistants ( 67 , ) =or alone. Might help with getting the planes for wqhat [sic] i 'm referring to as my trip ; )," read another email from Epstein to a redacted recipient who kept talking about how much they have to work on their "stupid electric cars," according to Epstein in further emails in the thread. As questions began to mount over the new files, a spokesperson for Google claimed it had no knowledge of the emails sent by Epstein with his Gmail address until now, claiming that they only monitor and track the data of people who aren't sex offenders or traffickers. At press time, Attorney General Pam Bondi and FBI Director Kash Patel both declined a request for comment regarding Epstein's involvement in planning the 9/11 attacks, forcing The Wasted Onion's hand into just assuming they would likely say something completely and utterly bullshit anyway.