Welcome to the official page of The Wasted Onion, The Only News Source. We post the most important and trustworthy journalism that shines light in the dark halls of power and asks the tough questions. They say “Democracy Dies in Darkness,” we say “Hey, We’ll Totally Trade You This Democracy That’s Collecting Dust in Our Attic for a $100 Amazon Gift Card.”
Find more kick-ass journalism at our website: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/
The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
ICYMI: Paramedics Praised For Being Too Late To Save Lindsey Graham
https://theonion.com/paramedics-praised-for-being-too-late-to-save-lindsey-graham/
The Wasted Onion Magazine: Nigel Farage: Man Of The Rich People
Via The Hard Times: Donald Trump Accuses China of Shitting His Pants
https://thehardtimes.net/uncategorized/donald-trump-accuses-china-of-shitting-his-pants/
By The Wasted Onion: Count Binface Revealed To Be Oscar The Grouch
CLACTON, ENGLAND—Leaving shock waves after the release of a bombshell investigative report by lesser news outlet The Telegraph Friday, it has been revealed that Count Binface, a prospective candidate in the upcoming Clacton by-election, is in fact the famous Sesame Street character Oscar the Grouch.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/count-binface-revealed-to-be-oscar-the-grouch/
This stories headline was written and suggested by @toaks, thank you!
Bat-Wielding Christopher Nolan Confronts Man Using Bathroom During ‘The Odyssey’
https://theonion.com/bat-wielding-christopher-nolan-confronts-man-using-bathroom-during-the-odyssey/
By The Wasted Onion: North Korea Declares Itself Winner Of World Cup
PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA—Hailing its "glorious victory" Thursday, the Ministry of Physical Culture and Sports declared North Korea as the winner of the 2026 World Cup, despite the fact that Spain and Argentina are set to face each other in the final on Sunday.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/north-korea-declares-itself-winner-of-world-cup/
This stories headline was written and suggested by mysticallydesigns on Discord, thank you!
Public Begs Mitch McConnell To Stop Releasing Photos Of Himself
https://theonion.com/public-begs-mitch-mcconnell-to-stop-releasing-photos-of-himself/
By The Wasted Onion: International Criminal Court Vows To Dismantle Marco Rubio
THE HAGUE—Following the U.S. Secretary of State's comments on Monday vowing to dismantle the International Criminal Court "brick-by-brick," the court responded in a statement Wednesday announcing it would dismantle Marco Rubio "organ-by-organ" in response to the threats.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/international-criminal-court-vows-to-dismantle-marco-rubio/
Barack Obama Pretends To Be Canadian While Traveling Abroad
https://theonion.com/barack-obama-pretends-to-be-canadian-while-traveling-abroad/
By The Wasted Onion: RFK Jr. Announces Cure To Mortality: ‘Just Die Bro’
WASHINGTON—In a bold furthering of his Make American Healthy Again agenda, Secretary of Health And Human Services RFK Jr. announced a definitive cure to mortality Tuesday, advising Americans to "just die bro," to rid themselves of the ailment once and for all.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/rfk-jr-announces-cure-to-mortality-just-die-bro/
This stories headline was written and suggested by @owl, thank you!
Kash Patel Calls For Public’s Help Using Computer
https://theonion.com/kash-patel-calls-for-publics-help-using-computer/
By The Wasted Onion: Strait Of Hormuz Reopens, Closes Again, Reopens, Hold On Now It's Closed, Nope It's Open, Wait It's Closed Again, Fuck It We Give Up
ABU DHABI, UNITED ARAB EMIRATES—Leaving global oil prices in a state of chaos as the Iran war raged on, the Strait of Hormuz reopened Monday before closing again, then reopening for a second time, hold on, it's closed again, nope, it's back open, wait, never mind, it's closed once again, actually, fuck it, we give up.
‘Time To Become Immortal,’ Announces RFK Jr., Exposing Perineum Atop Solar Tower
https://theonion.com/time-to-become-immortal-announces-rfk-jr-exposing-perineum-atop-solar-tower/
By The Wasted Onion: Hitler Debates 20 Leftists On Surrounded
LOS ANGELES, CA—Sparking immediate backlash across social media, Jubilee released a new episode of its popular Surrounded series Sunday featuring Adolf Hitler debating 20 leftists.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/hitler-debates-20-leftists-on-surrounded/
Via The Chaser: FIFA moves World Cup final to Epstein Island following call from Trump
https://chaser.com.au/sport/fifa-moves-world-cup-final-to-epstein-island-trump/
