Welcome to the official page of The Wasted Onion, The Only News Source. We post the most important and trustworthy journalism that shines light in the dark halls of power and asks the tough questions. They say “Democracy Dies in Darkness,” we say “Hey, We’ll Totally Trade You This Democracy That’s Collecting Dust in Our Attic for a $100 Amazon Gift Card.”
Find more kick-ass journalism at our website: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/
The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
By The Wasted Onion: UK Announces Plan To Ban Internet
LONDON—In an effort to curb rising concerns over the dangers of the digital world, British Prime Minister Sir Keir Starmer announced plans Monday to ban the entire internet for the over 60 million residents of the UK.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/uk-announces-plan-to-ban-internet/
This article was requested by @esben, thank you!
Back Of Gatorade Bottle Features Recipe For Gatorade Casserole
https://theonion.com/back-of-gatorade-bottle-features-recipe-for-gatorade-casserole/
By The Wasted Onion: Cisgender Man Confused Why Non-Binary Friend Not Speaking In Binary
WILMINGTON, DE—Attempting to be a supportive ally to his gender non-conforming friend, local cisgender man Jack Moss admitted Sunday that he was confused why his non-binary friend, Taylor Foster, did not speak in binary.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/cisgender-man-confused-why-non-binary-friend-not-speaking-in-binary/
From The Archives: Man Hates How Pride Month Has Been Totally Co-Opted By LGBTQ Community
https://theonion.com/man-hates-how-pride-month-has-been-totally-co-opted-by-1847054666/
The Wasted Onion Magazine: Censorship, Brutality, Oppression: Why North Korea Would Make For A Perfect Future Host Of The World Cup
From The Archives: Trump Warns Iran To Accept His Ultimatum Or Face Wrath Of Next Ultimatum
https://theonion.com/trump-warns-iran-to-accept-his-ultimatum-or-face-wrath-of-next-ultimatum/
By The Wasted Onion: Elon Musk Becomes Worlds First Cybertruck Owner
STARBASE, TX—Achieving the monumental milestone as shares in his rocket company SpaceX soared as it began trading on the stock market Friday, businessman Elon Musk, the richest person in the world, became the worlds first owner of a Tesla Cybertruck.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/elon-musk-becomes-worlds-first-cybertruck-owner/
EPA Approves Use Of Napalm As Pesticide
https://theonion.com/epa-approves-use-of-napalm-as-pesticide/
By The Wasted Onion: Release Dates For Christmas, Halloween 2026 Unveiled At Nintendo Direct
KYOTO, JAPAN—Airing its latest presentation of gaming and content information across the internet Thursday, Nintendo unveiled the release dates for Christmas and Halloween 2026 during its latest Nintendo Direct event.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/release-dates-for-christmas-halloween-2026-unveiled-at-nintendo-direct/
This stories headline was written and suggested by @owl, thank you!
Trump Boys Bulk Up For UFC Fight By Chugging Sour Cream
https://theonion.com/trump-boys-bulk-up-for-ufc-fight-by-chugging-sour-cream/
By The Wasted Onion: World Cup Fans Visiting U.S. Urged To Respect Nations Culture Of Mass Shootings
FAYETTEVILLE, GA—A mere day before the first whistle is blown at the 2026 World Cup, the Fédération Internationale de Football Association and United States Soccer Federation urged fans visiting the United States to respect the nations culture of mass shootings.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/world-cup-fans-visitng-us-urged-to-respect-nations-culture-of-mass-shootings/
Hims Introduces New Line Of Folders To Hold In Front Of Embarrassing Boners
https://theonion.com/hims-introduces-new-line-of-folders-to-hold-in-front-of-embarrassing-boners/
By The Wasted Onion: U.S. Voting System Moved To Google Form
WASHINGTON—Changing the foundation on which elections are held across the nation just in time for the primaries, Congress passed a bill Tuesday that will move the entire U.S. voting system to a Google Form.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/us-voting-system-moved-to-google-form/
This stories headline was written and suggested by @owl, thank you!
I Work Very Hard, And I Would Like To Try Cake
https://theonion.com/i-work-very-hard-and-i-would-like-to-try-cake/
By The Wasted Onion: Jeffalo Suspected To Have Ties To CIA, Mossad
THE INTERNET—Causing alarm among users of the social media site, reports Monday showed that wasteof.money owner Jeffalo has suspected ties to U.S. and Israeli intelligence services known as the CIA and Mossad respectively.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/jeffalo-suspected-to-have-ties-to-cia-mossad/
This stories headline was written and suggested by @juniperrr, thank you!
