@wastedonion

ICYMI: Pete Hegseth Walks Fully Nude Around Newly Press-Free Pentagon

https://theonion.com/pete-hegseth-walks-fully-nude-around-newly-press-free-pentagon/

Zohran Mamdani Refuses To Share Plan For Making Rich Richer

https://theonion.com/zohran-mamdani-refuses-to-share-plan-for-making-rich-richer/

The Wasted Onion would like to inform readers that this post was shared yesterday on 17th October 2025. If you see a different date timestamped to this post, your eyes are deceiving you and we advise you get an eye test at your earliest convenience or inconvenience.

Grown Man Licking Ice Cream Cone Placed On Sex Offender Registry

https://theonion.com/grown-man-licking-ice-cream-cone-placed-on-sex-offender-registry/

By The Wasted Onion: Trump Pardons Florida Man

WASHINGTON—Remarking that it was "righteous" as he signed the executive order in the Oval Office Wednesday afternoon, U.S. President Donald Trump has pardoned a Florida man. “What this young man did was nothing more than a simple mistake, its only right that America recognises that this brilliant man be forgiven - it is ridiculous to suggest otherwise, something I’m sure the woke radical left will be mad at me for,” said the president after signing the executive order that pardoned 44-year-old Florida man Billy Butler, who was found guilty of assault after picking up an alligator at a golf course and proceeding to throw the 230kg reptile at a 2-year-old toddler, killing the child instantaneously. “The beautiful state of Florida has equally as beautiful people, that includes those like Billy Butt [sic] who throw alligators around at toddlers like we all do at the wonderful Walt Disney World Resort in Orlando.” Mr. Butler previously received a pardon during Trump’s first term after he built a comically large slingshot attached to the roof of his Toyota Prius which fired 10 piece bargain buckets from KFC at police during a high-speed chase that lasted 72 hours. At press time, Billy Butler thanked the president for pardoning him, proceeding to then rush out of his home and begin work building a tank out of peacock feathers and duct tape while dressed as YouTuber, streamer and fellow Florida resident MoistCr1TiKaL.

This stories headline was written and suggested by @kiwi, thank you!

Study Finds Voices Should Sound Normal Through Walkie-Talkies By Now

https://theonion.com/study-finds-voices-should-sound-normal-through-walkie-talkies-by-now/

By The Wasted Onion: Poopenfarten Is Your Digital Growth Partner In Los Angeles!

LOS ANGELES, CA —Bringing jubilation to those looking to build a website , custom software , mobile apps or get SEO support, Poopenfarten is here to help as your digital growth partner in Los Angeles! “Not just does Poopenfarten build websites , mobile apps and more , they help acquire traffic by optimising your SEO and ensuring you target exactly the right demographics! They are so helpful! With a proven track record of boosting revenue with their state-of-the-art SEO strategies! ” said a very satisfied customer with a big ol’ wide grin on their face as they had pleasant dreams about Poopenfarten’s 1,000,000+ clients who trust them , including Enron, Theranos and Wirecard. “But that’s not all! Poopenfarten also ensures all of their work is secure , scalable , and conversation-focused . So you can be confident that you are getting the best bang for your buck possible! Their prices are also extremely competitive , you’re guaranteed not to find anyone else who will get you in front of as many willing and unwilling eyeballs as Poopenfarten can! ” In a further fantastic evolution in their SEO strategy, Poopenfarten has begun offering new demographics to target , like users of obscure social media hobby projects with untapped userbases in the thousands! Find Poopenfarten on Google Maps , or visit your nearest dark alleyway , let’s turn your digital vision into reality!

#DigitalAgency #WebDesign #CustomSoftware #SEO #Poopenfarten #LosAngeles #Slop #DoHashtagsWorkHere #PleaseDon’tBanUs

Financial Advisors Recommend Throwing Away Unopened Bills

https://theonion.com/financial-advisors-recommend-throwing-away-unopened-bills/

Ghoul Americans Celebrate Demonic Heritage Month

https://theonion.com/ghoul-americans-celebrate-demonic-heritage-month/

By The Wasted Onion: Fox News Anchor Claims Zohran Mamdani Will Rebuild Twin Towers To Do 9/11 Again If Elected

NEW YORK—Attacking the mayoral candidate in a blistering segment Monday, Fox News Anchor Jesse Watters claimed Zohran Mamdani would rebuild the original World Trade Center to then do 9/11 again if he is elected. “Not only is Mamdani a radical leftist, progressive and communist, he is severely dangerous. He’s already laid out plans to tear down the One World Trade Center and rebuild the original World Trade Center just so he can have Al-Qaeda do 9/11 all over again as some sort of sick and twisted punishment for us being American patriots,” said the presenter during an episode of Jesse Watters Primetime, in which the anchor also claimed Palestinians in Gaza were actually robots being controlled by the deep state and that feeling empathy is a sign of terminal wokeness. “He’s got it all laid out, he’s even got all the remaining emergency workers who responded to the original 9/11 attack on speed dial so he can call them to go into the new one he’s gonna set in motion. A vote for Zohran Mamdani is a vote for a communist leftist marxist transgender socialist dictatorship and woke 9/11.” Reacting to the segment after airing, a senior strategist for the Democrats agreed with Watters, stating that “it is simply preposterous that Democrats should be able to win anything ever, we are the party of shooting ourselves in the foot - Zohran Mamdani is a threat to this. I didn’t watch the segment, but it's probably true. Anyway, time for us to return to shooting ourselves in the foot.” At press time, Watters doubled down on his claim, going on to state that if elected, Mamdani would force the federal government to once again refuse to pay for healthcare and benefits for first responders after responding to the 9/11 recreation.

The Wasted Onion Magazine: Crappy End Of The Stall: How Bathroom Companies Invented Gender To Sell More Bathrooms

ICYMI: White House Doctor: Trump Has Far More Bones Than Any Prior President

https://theonion.com/white-house-doctor-trump-has-far-more-bones-than-any-prior-president/

ICYMI: Jeffrey Epstein: Bad Pedophile

Unlike anything you’ve already seen about Jeffrey Epstein, this documentary uncovers the truth behind one of America’s most notorious perverts. This is Jeffrey Epstein: Bad Pedophile.

https://theonion.com/the-onion-investigates-jeffrey-epstein/

ICE Boasts Zero Murders Committed By 5-Year-Olds Since Child Detainments Began

https://theonion.com/ice-boasts-zero-murders-committed-by-5-year-olds-since-child-detainments-began/

By The Wasted Onion: ‘The Wasteof.money Movie’ Unveiled With Blaze Direct-To-Streaming Series In Development

THE INTERNET—Jubilantly revealing details about the new greenlit theatrical project Friday, wasteof.money owner Jeffalo has announced “The Wasteof.money Movie” as the first instalment in a new obscure social media platform cinematic universe, with a direct-to-streaming series about Blaze currently in development. “I am excited to announce that the first instalment in the obscure social media platform cinematic universe, The Wasteof.money Movie, is now officially happening! I can’t tell you just how special this moment is for this platform, to have our very own blockbuster movie about this site is just the most wonderful way to waste a shit ton of money. And we aren’t stopping there! We’re also wasting more money by currently developing a direct-to-streaming series all about Blaze, from disaster to death!” read a post made by the wasteof owner to his account, sharing cast details with Chris Pratt playing Jeffalo, Adam Sandler as wasteof President Kiwi, Jack Black as Vice President Late and Restaurant Brands International CEO Joshua Kobza, who owns Tim Hortons, as ILoveTimHortons. “We have some awesome stuff coming up, not just do we have this wasteof movie on the way and the Blaze TV show in development, we also have other ideas for the cinematic universe, such as a spinoff movie for the wasteof movies villain postLit, as well as a short for Darflen. If we get enough profit we could probably also squeeze in a Meower movie too, maybe set it back in Victorian times." Alongside the announcement, streaming service FlopoRodoGoLo+ Pro HBO Max Mini Air said it would be exclusively streaming the upcoming wasteof movie and in development Blaze TV series. At press time, Jeffalo announced that Rich Lee, director of the 2025 adaptation of “War of the Worlds” for Amazon Prime was set to direct the wasteof movie.

This stories headline was written and suggested by @kiwi, thank you!

Israel Agrees To Go Back To Killing Palestinians On Less Frequent Basis

https://theonion.com/israel-agrees-to-go-back-to-killing-palestinians-on-less-frequent-basis/