@wastedonion

By The Wasted Onion: Democrats Already Drawing Up Plans To Squander House And Senate Majorities

WASHINGTON—Hot off the heels of a "blue tsunami" in which voters resoundingly rejected U.S. President Donald Trump and his Republican Party, Democratic Party leaders have announced they are already preparing plans on how to best squander their majorities in the House of Representatives and the Senate.

Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/democrats-already-drawing-up-plans-to-squander-house-and-senate-majorities/

Study Finds Human Brain Capable Of Storing Up To 40 Things

https://theonion.com/study-finds-human-brain-capable-of-storing-up-to-40-things/

By The Wasted Onion: Republicans Demand Participation Seats After Massive Midterm Losses

WASHINGTON—Following heavy losses across the country in Tuesday's midterm elections, even in traditional strongholds like Texas, South Carolina, and Kansas, the Republican Party has demanded it be given participation seats in both the House of Representatives and the Senate.

Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/republicans-demand-participation-seats-after-massive-midterm-losses/

Abdul El-Sayed Makes History As First Physically Healthy Senator

https://theonion.com/abdul-el-sayed-makes-history-as-first-physically-healthy-senator/

By The Wasted Onion: Donald Trump Jr. Warns Democrats Want To Make Ohio A Real Place

SWANTON, OH—Warning a crowd of supporters that the very fabric of reality was on the ballot, Donald Trump Jr. claimed Monday that the Democrats would make Ohio a real place if they win control of both chambers in the upcoming midterm elections.

Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/donald-trump-jr-warns-democrats-want-to-make-ohio-a-real-place/

This stories headline was written and suggested by @eris, thank you!

GOP Sees Surge In Turnout From First-Time Voter Intimidators

https://theonion.com/gop-sees-surge-in-turnout-from-first-time-voter-intimidators/

By The Wasted Onion: Democrats Just One More Consultant Away From Winning Midterms

WASHINGTON—Filling elected officials, staffers, and volunteers with hope a day before Americans head to the polls, the Democratic Party confirmed Monday that it was just one more consultant away from winning the midterms.

Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/democrats-just-one-more-consultant-away-from-winning-midterms/

Ask Not What Your Billionaire Pedophile Cabal Can Do For You, Ask What You Can Do For Your Billionaire Pedophile Cabal

https://theonion.com/ask-not-what-your-billionaire-pedophile-cabal-can-do-for-you-ask-what-you-can-do-for-your-billionaire-pedophile-cabal/

By The Wasted Onion: Heartbreaking: Tame Impala Discovered To Have Been High While Recording ‘Currents’

FREMANTLE, AUSTRALIA—Leaving sober fans of the psychedelic music project utterly devastated, a shocking forensic report of recording studios across Australia confirmed Friday that musician Kevin Parker was under the influence of mind-altering substances while recording Tame Impala's acclaimed 2015 album Currents.

Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/heartbreaking-tame-impala-discovered-to-have-been-high-while-recording-currents/

ICYMI: Election Officials Warn That Ballots Tied To Stray Cat Unlikely To Arrive In Time

https://theonion.com/election-officials-warn-that-ballots-tied-to-stray-cat-unlikely-to-arrive-in-time/

The Wasted Onion Newspaper: October 2026

https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/the-wasted-onion-newspaper-october-2026/

ICYMI: Host Apparently Committing To Dracula Voice For Whole Party

https://theonion.com/host-apparently-committing-to-dracula-voice-for-whole-party/

By The Wasted Onion: Netanyahu, Opposition Leaders Reassure Israelis That Whichever Coalition Forms Government Will Maintain Complete Disdain For Palestinians

JERUSALEM, ISRAEL—Following the most consequential election in the nation's history, where no party has won a clear majority, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and opposition leaders assured voters Friday that the next Israeli government will maintain its long-standing policy of complete disdain for Palestinian lives no matter which coalition ends up victorious.

Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/netanyahu-opposition-leaders-reassure-israelis-that-whichever-coalition-forms-government-will-maintain-complete-disdain-for-palestinians/

I Won’t Let My Son Play Football Because I Don’t Want Him In A Bisexual Love Triangle With The Head Cheerleader And Team Captain

https://theonion.com/i-wont-let-my-son-play-football-because-i-dont-want-him-in-a-bisexual-love-triangle-with-the-head-cheerleader-and-team-captain/

Republicans Privately Urging Trump To Not Be President Leading Up To Midterms

https://theonion.com/republicans-privately-urging-trump-to-not-be-president-leading-up-to-midterms/