Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Earth Appoints Wasted Onion Owner Clef Bozos As CEO In Sale To The Wasted Company

GLASGOW, SCOTLAND—Explaining that the multibillion-dollar purchase was a strategic and sound business decision, Wasted Onion parent company The Wasted Company confirmed Sunday that it had acquired Earth, with Clef Bozos becoming the planet’s new CEO. “We are thrilled to announce that Earths board of directors have approved The Wasted Company’s bid to acquire their rapidly warming business,” said the business magnate at a press conference outside The Wasted Company’s Glasgow manual labour camp. “We here at The Wasted Company and its subsidiaries like The Wasted Onion, Fyre Festival and Theranos have always been committed to the destruction of everything that is good in this mortal plane, and we are delighted to be able to extend this ethos to Earth.” Mr. Bozos announced that Wasted Company staffers had already begun immediate layoffs by slitting the throats of workers and throwing them in a ditch as well as replacing the social media manager of the @EarthDevs wasteof account with an AI that according to reports had replied to several users to “stop hogging all the goddamn oxygen.” Bozos concluded the media event by reassuring that The Wasted Onion would remain fiercely under his authoritarian-like thumb in its reporting of his acquisition of Earth.