Hey earthlings! This is the official developer update account for Earth Simulator! We provide the update notes here for each version and hotfix.
Contact our team here about any potential bugs, or new features to add to Earth.
(Actually satire, made by @toaks)
It has come to our attention that the organs in your body are weighted towards your torso. So, in a move that would impress any UI designer, we're pushing an update soon that "fixes" this giant and game breaking issue.
Changes made:
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Vital organs in legs
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Leg durability has been reduced
Happy. . . Leg. . . Something. Earthlings.
Our team has been working at making these headlines come true, and we are happy to report you can now turn into an eel. This will cure any outstanding health effects and conditions.
Slime ya later, Earthlings
ICYMI: Limbless, Slippery RFK Jr.: ‘Becoming An Eel Is A Sign Of Good Health’
https://theonion.com/limbless-slippery-rfk-jr-becoming-an-eel-is-a-sign-of-good-health/
We're trying a bold new feature. As an experiment, for the next few days, all @wastedonion articles are going to come true.
No, we're not padding for content, you're padding for content. Some event is better than no event. Looking at you, April 30th, 1930.
Good luck, Earthlings.
Sorry our updates have been delayed. We did not want Earth to compete with Silksong's release window. Next update is coming early 2026.
The issue with the Moon's was patched out after the landings. Everything should work properly now. As for the geologic make-up of the moon, we neither confirm nor deny the cheese allegations.
Considering Buzz Aldrin's actions, we are currently reviewing his account and the possibility of his termination for breaking our ToS. We will also be reviewing NASA's supposed continued use of teleportation; it was intended to be a temporary stand-in to keep simulation continuity and should have been returned promptly.
Thank you for understanding, Earthlings.
By The Wasted Onion: Buzz Aldrin Claims The Moon Landing Was Faked
SATELLITE BEACH, FL—Sending shockwaves across the scientific community and the general public, former NASA astronaut Buzz Aldrin said Tuesday that the Moon landing was faked. “The smart people at NASA did some tests and discovered that the moon has no collision. They called up EarthDevs and arranged for us to be warped to a random flat plane somewhere when we couldn’t be seen in the sky. Oh yeah I should’ve mentioned that those NASA nerds have some wacky doohickeys that allow teleportation,” the pilot for the Apollo 11 mission said in a statement on Darflen. “This is not true, Mr. Aldrin is 95 years old and he probably has dementia, how could you believe him? Or to put it as the kids would say, he’s an old fucking bitch,” said NASA spokesperson Bethany Stevens in an official statement posted to Blaze. However, some disinformation experts worry that NASA’s attempt at debunking the unexpected statement from Mr. Aldrin would likely not succeed in swaying the public due to the fact that “not a single fucking person uses Blaze” according to experts who spoke with The Wasted Onion in a McDonald’s parking lot. At press time, Buzz Aldrin took to his Darflen account again to claim that the Moon is in fact made of cheese.
This story was written by @owl, thank you!
Please do NOT stand on other users' heads. A physics launching glitch could cause irreparable damage to all involved if you stand on someone's head. We are working on a patch as this is typed. . . Don't do it!
Hey Earthlings, we've noticed that, for some reason, everyone is painting on the Earth. Please do not continue to paint on the Earth, as it generally disrupts our servers as technicians have to manually clean each "pixel" of paint away. Thank you.
Hey guys. New user privacy stuff. Please post a picture of your wasteof government issued ID or a passport from a different social media site, if needed.
This is mandatory. Thank you.
We are going to bottleneck server speeds. You can probably guess why. This change is effective immediately. Have fun with 3.2 KB/s
You may notice increased lag times as we move the Earth servers to significantly worse servers so that we can make more profit. Thanks
You may notice increased lag times as we move the Earth servers to significantly worse servers so that we can make more profit. Thanks
We need feedback for the coming mid year evaluation - what do you honestly think about the Earth simulation? What already works, and what could use work?
Please remember that negative reviews attacking the Earth© Corporation will result in immediate termination. Thanks.
Fireworks have had their flashbang effects nerfed.
Voting has been debuffed. 1 vote per person → 0 votes per person
Your hands now have 45% less durability. This should help balance fistfights.
You, yes, you specifically, may have had unintended changes made to your DNA. Please, PLEASE, report any changes, mutations, or superpowers you experience to Earth support as soon as possible. We cannot stress the importance of resolving this situation.