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By The Wasted Onion: Epstein Commits Suicide Again

PALM BEACH, FL—Leaving the world shocked at the latest twist in the Epstein case, the FBI announced that financier, convicted child sex offender and sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein had been found dead from suicide for the second time Thursday. "Earlier this morning, the FBI confirmed that Jeffrey Epstein, who faced charges of engaging in the sex trafficking of minors, had been found unresponsive near his grave and was pronounced dead again shortly thereafter of another apparent suicide," read a statement in part by FBI Director Kash Patel. "I was appalled to learn that Jeffrey Epstein was found dead again early this morning from another apparent suicide after being laid to rest already years ago. Mr. Epstein’s death raises serious questions that must be answered. Luckily I know my way around a Ouija board," said a statement in part from Attorney General Pam Bondi. Later, the FBI went into further detail regarding the circumstances of Epstein's second suicide at a press briefing, explaining that groundkeepers at the IJ Morris Star of David Cemetery found the child sex offender's decomposed corpse hanging from a tree nearby his unmarked tomb, where he was buried in September 2019 after his first death by suicide. At press time, U.S. President Donald Trump shut down the possibility of an investigation into the second death of Epstein, telling a reporter in the Oval Office that you, the reader wanting to understand what happened regarding Epstein and his clients, should smile more, you miserable bastard.

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