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By The Wasted Onion: ICE Mistakenly Deports JD Vance To El Salvador

TECOLUCA, EL SALVADOR—In yet another blow to the agency regarding its tactics and accuracy when it comes to how it handles law enforcement, U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement has mistakenly deported U.S. Vice President JD Vance to the Centro de Confinamiento del Terrorismo (CECOT) maximum security prison in El Salvador. "Today our brave and patriotic ICE heroes have captured and deported another highly dangerous illegal alien from American soil. Even more frightening was that this illegal alien was in close proximity to President Trump, claiming that he was the so-called vice president of the United States, which is just preposterous, no American has the first name JD," said Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem. Following intense confusion from the press pool and public after her announcement, Mrs. Noem said in a further statement that she was "regretful" for deporting the vice president, explaining that it was "simply now impossible to get him back as the Salvadorans are now responsible for Vance. Unfortunately ICE agents were unable to identify the vice president regardless of his pleas due to him not having applied his eyeliner yet." When asked about the deportation of JD Vance, President Trump showed a lack of interest, shrugging before commenting that "I don't know who that is, I'm still waiting for someone to hang Mike Pence." At press time, Salvadorian President Nayib Bukele claimed that JD Vance was "settling in well" to his new cell in CECOT, which he is currently sharing with over 55 other wrongly imprisoned men.

Super Bowl LX Special Report: Terrified Conservatives Lose Ability To Speak English After Exposure To Bad Bunny Performance

https://theonion.com/terrified-conservatives-lose-ability-to-speak-english-after-exposure-to-bad-bunny-performance-dios-mio-cry-millions-of-panicking-republicans/

Biden Grateful He’s Not Alive To See What Trump Doing To Country

https://theonion.com/biden-grateful-hes-not-alive-to-see-what-trump-doing-to-country/

ICYMI: Trump Scolds Female Reporter For Being Adult

https://theonion.com/trump-scolds-female-reporter-for-being-adult/

DOJ Releases Jeffrey Epstein Fragrance

https://theonion.com/doj-releases-jeffrey-epstein-fragrance/

By The Wasted Onion: Joe Biden Sneaks Back Into White House Under ‘Job Iden’ Pseudonym

WASHINGTON—In a elaborate scheme to reclaim the presidency for himself, former U.S. President Joe Biden snuck back into the White House Monday using a disguise and "Job Iden" pseudonym. "Hello Mr. President! I am Job Iden. Now my friend, I'm here on some very important business that I believe a skilled businessman like yourself will find of utmost interest! I hope I can interest you in brain-enhancement supplements? I know you're already a clever clogs, but trust me my friend, this lovely little pill can make that big beautiful brain of yours even bigger!" said Joe Biden while wearing a disguise consisting of a big moustache and top hat. "I like this guy, very smart. I'd say he's almost the smartest man I've met if I hadn't met myself! And I do have amazing brain health - reportedly the best health of any president in history - its true, that's what they say, the doctors, who give me MRI's all the time. You want to know why? It's because they're trying to figure out what makes me so healthy - ‘oh please, Mr. President, how are you so fit and healthy? We don't understand Mr. Trump’ - that's what the doctors say. So yes, Mr. Job, I'd like some of your brian [sic] pills," said President Trump moments before Biden’s fake moustache fell off due to the adhesive failing, to which Vice President JD Vance reportedly screamed "wait a minute, that's Joe Biden!" in a high pitched girly voice. According to inside sources, Biden said "Oh well, gotta run, see ya later, jack!" before making his escape while Trump administration aides shook their heads at the embarrassing incident. "That was a close call, Mr. President," said the newest aide according to reports, which was actually just former Vice President Kamala Harris wearing a big cartoon wig.

This stories concept was adapted from a Tumblr post suggested by @awestruckrevival, thank you!

Special Report By The Wasted Onion: New Clause In Updated Scratch Terms Of Service Says Scratch Team Has Full Rights To Your Soul

ICYMI: Nation Yearns For Relative Calm Of ‘President A Giant Pedophile’ News Cycle

https://theonion.com/nation-yearns-for-relative-calm-of-president-a-giant-pedophile-news-cycle/

Trump Boys Put Nobel Peace Prize In Microwave

https://theonion.com/trump-boys-put-nobel-peace-prize-in-microwave/