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By The Wasted Onion: OceanGate Announces New Paid Expeditions To See Wreckage Of Imploded Titan Submersible

By The Wasted Onion: Taliban Replaces Popping Candy With Painted, Saliva Activated Microbombs

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Causing mass panic and confusion as reports of explosions began pouring out of the country to the world, sources indicate the Taliban had replaced popping candy with painted, saliva activated microbombs. “It is honestly quite a cunning move, to replace the irresistible mouth feel of popping candy with the strategic and instantly activated microbomb that would terminate the target instantaneously. What’s worse is that it doesn’t even taste nice,” said Jarvis Gledhill, a military strategist who spoke to The Wasted Onion after being kidnapped, driven to an unknown location in a white van, and tied to a chair. “Not just that, but the technology to do this is quite complex, while we know the Taliban won’t do much good with such a weapon, it would be fascinating to understand how they develop such weaponry. What was that? You got some here? You’ll let me try it? Wait, wait no, stop, please no! Have mercy!” Mr. Gledhill was eviscerated moments after his saliva made contact with the microbombs. Following the test, The Wasted Onion’s science correspondent Adam Savage surveyed the damage alongside a film crew to produce an episode for an upcoming reboot of Mythbusters.

This stories headline was written and suggested by @mrowlsss, thank you!

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