just hire me
From The Wasted Onion Editorial Board: The Wasted Onion Has Fired The Entirety Of Its Graphic Design Department
Here at The Only News Source we pride ourselves in producing the greatest journalistic slop for you weak-willed plebs to make your painfully drab lives more important by the simple virtue of sapping in the gold-standard bullshit we squirt out from the bowels of our newsroom every single day. Part of that work is done by our graphic design department, who create graphics and make deepfakes of world leaders threatening each other with weapons of mass destruction to keep our newsroom nice and busy. Not just that, but our graphics department has been instrumental in faking the moon landing, the assassination of John F. Kennedy and animating the entirety of Big Mouth for Netflix to ensure you regret your subscription to the streaming giant just a little more. However, our workers have recently made demands to The Wasted Onion’s parent company The Wasted Company that are simply too audacious and unrealistic for us to fulfil, such as things called “wages” and “weekends,” as well as having the gall to ask if they can “go home.” As expected, out of respect for you morons who read this esteemed news regurgitator, we have made the easy decision to fire our entire graphic design department. All of our workers have been given severance packages, with them all losing at least 3 limbs of their choosing before they could leave the office for good. Due to this, The Wasted Onion’s graphics for its posts on wasteof for the next week will feature simplified or no graphics attached until a time in which we can enslave more mindless obedient drones to churn out more cool as fuck graphics for you to stare at blankly for hours on end while you waste away to nothing. The Wasted Onion thanks you for your cooperation during this time, as you know what happens to those who do not, remember what happens if you step out of line and anger the journalism gods.
The Wasted Onion will not be posting the usual graphics for the next week, with either simplified or no graphics depending on circumstances.
i’m not so sure about this vietnamese casino fighting.
As President, I will:
Fight against Vietnamese casino gangs that are running rampant over our lovely site. In the last month, over 73% of all new accounts have gotten banned for being Vietnamese gamblers! This is unacceptable! I will work to end this onslaught with every tool at my disposal!
Boost growth, activity, and community on wasteof in two ways: Instituting rewards and a welcoming committee, as well as a pyramid scheme where you earn points by inviting your friends!
Personally invite all wasteof users to my inauguration. You’re welcome!
Also boost growth by establishing a committee to invite new people from other online communities!
Finally launch @awards! We’ve been waiting too long!
Share Turkish food with the wasteof.money community (best cuisine ever)!!
Work to launch a wasteof merchandise store!
Launch an official page on wikipedia™ for wasteof!
Fight drama by discouraging those who cause it, and creating incentives to not be dramatic! I will create a new “citizens peace board” whose job is to discourage drama!
End the unjust treatment of famous works of art such as dertermenter’s famous math exam post!
Make it easier for new accounts to gain followers by starting the practice of reposting a featured post every week, and engaging with new posts every day!
Increase patriotism on wasteof by creating an official wasteof flag and national anthem!
Support the growth of the wasteof discord server!
Do everything I can to support the launch of wasteof4 alpha to production!
Last but most importantly, I will release the wasteof app for iPhones, Macs, iPads, and Apple Watch!!!
I will be instituting a weekly press conference where I share updates with my administration and team on all of these things.
I will start working on these things as soon as I am inaugurated. So, I would like to humbly ask you to VOTE FOR OREN!!
did you know? flight delayed twenty-seven hours! we’re traveling for a whole extra twenty-seven days! now we get to see all the vietnamese casinos we want to!
my percentile is absolutely bawling… and rightfully so! the plane still needs a freaking casino operator and isn’t even on its way to stealing your money, so this bullmalarkey screws all of our (already large) sums of money up
we all just want to get to vietnam to gamble our life savings
flight delayed four hours! we're traveling for a whole extra day! now we don't get to see all the family we want to!
my mom is absolutely bawling… and rightfully so! the plane STILL NEEDS A FUCKING PART and isn't even on its way to the airport, so this bullshit fucks all of our (already small) visiting plans up
we all just want to get to australia
did you know? 73% of all wasteof accounts are banned because they are spammer accounts. don’t be them. join me in the 27% who fight against vietnamese casinos!