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By The Wasted Onion: Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor Arrested, Has Penis Cut Off

SANDRINGHAM, ENGLAND—Facing mounting questions regarding the former prince's relationship with convicted child sex offender and sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein, Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor was arrested by Thames Valley Police Thursday morning at the Sandringham Estate before having his penis cut off while in custody. "As part of the investigation, we have today arrested a man in his sixties from Norfolk on suspicion of misconduct in public office and are carrying out searches at addresses in Berkshire and Norfolk. The man remains in police custody at this time. We have also removed the mans genitals as a precaution," said a statement in part published on the Thames Valley Police's website. "I have learned with the deepest concern the news about Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor and suspicion of misconduct in public office. What now follows is the full, fair and proper process by which this issue is investigated in the appropriate manner and that his genitals are removed by the appropriate authorities," said a statement from King Charles III. Later, details divulged regarding the arrest of Andrew revealed that the former prince was dragged kicking and screaming into the back of a unmarked police car where a plain-clothes police officer used a rusty hacksaw to mutilate and remove his tiny, shrivelled-up penis. At press time, Peter Mandelson, who was dismissed as British Ambassador to the United States after documents in the Epstein files revealed he had a close relationship with Epstein, had reportedly cut his own penis off with a kitchen knife out of fear the police would do it for him after learning of the arrest of Andrew.