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By The Wasted Onion: Marco Rubio Orders State Department To Replace Calibri Font With Wingdings

WASHINGTON—Insisting that the Biden-era directive was “wasteful” and “embarrassing,” Secretary of State Marco Rubio has ordered the State Department replace the Calibri typeface with Wingdings in all official paperwork. “I am determined to root out woke DEI wherever it hides. With this in mind, I have officially ordered the State Department to use Wingdings in all official documentation, effective immediately. Switching to Calibri achieved nothing except the degradation of the department's correspondence. This change to Wingdings ensures we display the very best of America in everything we do by refusing to use words and instead communicating only in simple symbols like cavemen,” said Rubio while fumbling his words trying to read the TelePrompter written in the Wingdings typeface. “🕈︎︎♏︎︎ 🙵■︎︎□︎︎⬥︎︎ ⧫︎︎♒︎︎♏︎︎ ●︎︎♓︎︎♌︎︎♏︎︎❒︎︎♋︎︎●︎︎ ❍︎︎♋︎︎♓︎︎■︎︎⬧︎︎⧫︎︎❒︎︎♏︎︎♋︎︎❍︎︎ ❍︎︎♏︎︎♎︎︎♓︎︎♋︎︎ ⬥︎︎♓︎︎●︎︎●︎︎ ❍︎︎□︎︎♍︎︎🙵 ⧫︎︎♒︎︎♏︎︎ ︎︎⧫︎︎♋︎︎⧫︎︎♏︎︎ ︎︎♏︎︎◻︎︎♋︎︎❒︎︎⧫︎︎❍︎︎♏︎︎■︎︎⧫︎︎ ♐︎︎□︎︎❒︎︎ ⧫︎︎♒︎︎♓︎︎⬧︎︎ ♍︎︎♒︎︎♋︎︎■︎︎♑︎︎♏︎︎︎︎ ⧫︎︎♒︎︎♏︎︎⍓︎︎ॐ︎︎●︎︎●︎︎ ⬧︎︎♋︎︎⍓︎︎ ♓︎︎⧫︎︎⬧︎︎ ‘♌︎︎♋︎︎♎︎︎ ♐︎︎□︎︎❒︎︎ ♋︎︎♍︎︎♍︎︎♏︎︎⬧︎︎⬧︎︎♓︎︎♌︎︎♓︎︎●︎︎♓︎︎⧫︎︎⍓︎︎︎︎’ ︎︎◆︎︎⧫︎︎ ⬥︎︎♏︎︎ ♎︎︎□︎︎ ■︎︎□︎︎⧫︎︎ ♍︎︎♋︎︎❒︎︎♏︎︎︎︎ ♐︎︎◆︎︎♍︎︎🙵 ⧫︎︎♒︎︎♏︎︎ ❖︎︎♓︎︎⬧︎︎◆︎︎♋︎︎●︎︎●︎︎⍓︎︎ ♓︎︎❍︎︎◻︎︎♋︎︎♓︎︎❒︎︎♏︎︎♎︎︎,” said the State Department in a official press release following media criticism. Following the order, type designers around the world were heard nerding out about fonts even louder than normal, and experts expect the insistent blabbering about serifs and sans-serifs for another week, advising the public to purchase earplugs to drown out the dorks. At press time, the State Department headquarters exploded following a communication in Wingdings that was misinterpreted by a technician as instructing him to press the “blow the whole darn building up” button.