I'm touring a lot of colleges and all of them are like “check out our dorms!” And then Navy is like “we have a 300-year-old French pirate buried in a marble sarcophagus in a crypt underneath the church”
If you get carjacked and they tell you to drive, drive into a lamppost or something solid to draw attention and to damage the car.
take the entire file size of the Internet. about 64 zettabytes. now let's assume for a moment that we can store the entire capacity of the Internet on a single atom. 64 zettabytes to a single atom. then, imagine doing this for every atom in the entire universe. 64 zettabytes for each atom in the entire universe. now if you did this once every millisecond for the entire life span of the universe so far, you would get a really big number that I made up for dramatic effect.
so apparently it's “punch nazis” until nazis make graduation and then it's “i hope he gets the help he deserves 
”
i do not care if this man has more nitrous than oxygen in his lungs last time I checked doing hard drugs doesn't make you put your underage daughter on a song with the second most prolific child molester since Big Jeff or start selling merch with the no no cross on it
note to self: do not give jeffalo a remarkable paper pro and access to wasteof.money at the same time
what was that zelensky interview
sometimes trump makes me feel like I actually have a decent chance of running a country