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By The Wasted Onion: UK Bans Transgender People From Bathrooms Of Both Their Gender Or ‘Biological’ Sex

MANCHESTER, ENGLAND—Following the Supreme Court ruling that the terms “woman” and “sex” refer only to biological sex under the Equality Act 2010, the Equality and Human Rights Commission issued new draft guidance Thursday banning transgender and gender non-conforming people from entering bathrooms of their gender or biological sex. “We have submitted our statutory guidance to ministers this month in response to the Supreme Court’s April ruling regarding transgender and gender non-conforming people, which sets out new rules that restrict them from entering public restrooms of their preferred gender or biological sex. This applies to any organisation that provides a service to the public, like schools, hospitals, shops and those fake bathrooms in IKEA showrooms,” said a spokesperson for the EHRC in an interview at knifepoint. “We want to stress however that trans and gender non-confirming individuals are still protected from discrimination and harassment under the Equality Act, except in the case of bathrooms, sports and probably some other shit.” Reports suggested the EHRC plans to write further guidance that would ban trans people from going outside due to fears they could spread gender dysphoria to others. At press time, gender-critical activist and author JK Rowling posted a video to her X/Twitter page of her sniffing her mouldy walls before exclaiming that it was “the sweet smell of victory, bitches!”

This stories headline was written and suggested by @owl, thank you!

By The Wasted Onion: Microsoft Reaches Record Breaking Sales Never Seen Before, Lowers Employee Wages Due To Lack Of Funds

REDMOND, WA—Touting the success the tech giant has had over the last financial quarter, Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella said Friday that the company had reached record breaking sales before quickly announcing plans to lower employee wages due to insufficient funds. “I am proud to say that Microsoft has reached record sales that have never been seen before, thanks to our forward first approach with AI integration and continued success of our business-aligned products like M365, we’ve seen frankly fantastic sales, not in small part thanks to you, our employees. With that, I will make you aware that we’re cutting your wages by half since we are pretty strapped for cash,” said Mr. Nadella at an office party hosted inside the Windows makers headquarters. “Don’t worry, the money we save cutting your wages is going to go places as I’m happy to announce our plans to purchase Electronic Arts, adding to our portfolio at Xbox Games Studios, we have great plans, and already have laid out our 2-year roadmap to shutter the entirety of EA after the acquisition is complete.” At press time, reports from inside the company indicated employees were begging Copilot to let them go after Mr. Nadella locked the exit to the building to prevent anyone from striking or resigning due to the wage cuts.

This stories headline was written and suggested by @owl, thank you!