Welcome to the official page of The Wasted Onion, The Only News Source. We post the most important and trustworthy journalism that shines light in the dark halls of power and asks the tough questions. They say “Democracy Dies in Darkness,” we say “Hey, We’ll Totally Trade You This Democracy That’s Collecting Dust in Our Attic for a $100 Amazon Gift Card.”
The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: TallPeter Posthumously Sworn In As Interim Wasteof President After Kiwi Lost In Action
Interactive COP30 Exhibit Allows Attendees To Be Shot Up Into Air On Big Spurt Of Oil
By The Wasted Onion: Nintendo Suing Entire Planet For Having People Named Mario
KYOTO, JAPAN—Promising to bring the full force of the law upon all those it feels has infringed on its copyright, video game company Nintendo has announced its intentions to sue the entire planet Earth for having individuals named after the eponymous character “Mario” in the Super Mario franchise. “Today, Nintendo announces its plan to initiate legal proceedings against the planet Earth for harbouring people named ‘Mario,’ which is a registered trademark name under Japanese copyright law and belongs to Nintendo Co., Ltd. We plan to ensure that all those infringing the Super Mario trademark will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law, up to and including having to play the Virtual Boy for a week straight,” said Fujikawa Waluigi, a legal representative for the company. “Nintendo has already begun serving the court papers to the roughly 4,660,878 defendants named ‘Mario’ across the globe. They will have 30 business days to legally change their name, purchase a Nintendo Switch 2 for ¥49,980 [roughly $318] and begin a Nintendo Switch Online membership, or face legal obliteration that will financially ruin them more than purchasing our products.” Miss Waluigi continued, stating that Nintendo was also looking into possibly suing individuals with the names “Luigi, Wario, Bowser, Rosalina, Kirby, Link, Zelda and Waluigi,” with Miss Waluigi sweating as she read out the last name on the list in her hands. At press time, Nintendo filed court documents to sue itself for using its own trademarks without its own permission.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @kiwi, thank you!
From The Archives: Boeing Rebrands 737 Max With Flame Decals To Attract Risk-Taking Badasses With A Death Wish
https://theonion.com/boeing-rebrands-737-max-with-flame-decals-to-attract-ri-1840487393/
ICYMI: RFK Jr.: ‘The President Having Sex With Children Is Fine From A Purely Nutritional Standpoint’
JD Vance Cries In Bathroom After Trump Uses ‘Piggy’ Nickname On Someone Else
https://theonion.com/jd-vance-cries-in-bathroom-after-trump-uses-piggy-nickname-on-someone-else/
By The Wasted Onion: Trump Boys Ask Father Who ‘Uncle Bubba’ Is
WASHINGTON—Shyly scurrying past several White House staff and aides as they made their way into the Oval Office like scared kittens, the Trump boys reportedly asked their father Thursday who “Uncle Bubba” is. “Daddy, I’m really, really confused right now, everyone was talking about a strange ‘Bubba’ man when we were playing tag in the West Wing. Even Uncle Hedgeseth [sic] was talking about it when he was drinking his ‘grown up juice,’” said a visibly distraught Eric Trump, fiddling with his hands and sticking out his lower lip to hold back tears as his older brother, Donald Trump Jr., looked meekly at his father with his toy Trump phone gripped firmly in his hands. “Auntie Ham [sic] said you and Uncle Bubba were the bestest of buddies. She said you and Uncle Epstein used to play together all the time! He sounds so awesome, daddy! Can we meet him? Do you think he’ll think the fart sounds I make with my mouth are cool? Can I show him my ICE costume? Daddy, did you blow bubbles with Uncle Bubba?” At press time, the Trump boys were asking their father if they too could “blow bubbles with Bubba.”
OpenAI Reveals ChatGPT Primarily Used To Ask If Hot Dog Too Old To Eat
https://theonion.com/openai-reveals-chatgpt-primarily-used-to-ask-if-hot-dog-too-old-to-eat/
‘You Think You’re Better Than Me?’ Says Nicki Minaj Interrupting Child Reciting Nursery Rhyme
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: @EvilJeffalo Claims Full Responsibility For Cloudflare Outage
This special report was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!
‘We’re Off To See The World!’ Shout Saluting Trump Boys Setting Sail On D.C. Reflecting Pool
By The Wasted Onion: Free Healthcare Offered To All Elderly Trump Voters Until November 7th 2028
WASHINGTON—In a remarkable shift in medical policy from the Trump administration, the Department of Health and Human Services has announced it will offer free healthcare to elderly Trump voters until November 7th, 2028. “As part of our mission to ‘Make America Healthy Again,’ I am proud to announce that the United States government will be offering free, comprehensive healthcare to the elderly who have and will vote for President Trump until November 7th 2028. After that point, the official policy will be ‘if you can’t afford it, die,’” said HHS Secretary RFK Jr. during a press briefing in the White House with the president slumped over in his chair snoring as his legs swelled even more in his shoes. “It’s a very great thing we’re doing. Very good. Possibly the most goodest [sic] thing ever done in history possibly. They’re already saying it; ‘Trump is keeping us healthy, Trump is our hero,’ they’re saying that, it's true. Not something you hear on the woke liberal mainstream media. We’re going to keep my old as shit voters clinging to life so they can vote for me and save America from woke and the Democrats and their goal to make everyone computer and transgender,” said the president after being shaken awake by an aide. In reaction to the news, Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-NY) said it was "imperative that all Americans can have affordable or free healthcare, not just those who support the president,” but went on to stipulate when asked how to broaden the availability of such policies to the rest of the nation that “the Democrat position is we will always fuck ourselves over even when we’re winning the argument.” At press time, Secretary of Agriculture Brooke Rollins announced that SNAP benefits would only be provided to Trump supporters from now on.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!
Trump Imposes 100% Tax On Movies Where Slaves Escape
https://theonion.com/trump-imposes-100-tax-on-movies-where-slaves-escape/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Trump: ‘The Only Penis I've Tasted Is My Own’
From The Archives: Americans Demand New Form Of Media To Bridge Entertainment Gap While Looking From Laptop To Phone
https://theonion.com/americans-demand-new-form-of-media-to-bridge-entertainm-1819576756/
