@wastedonion

By The Wasted Onion: Trump Mobile Says Obama Stole All Its Phones

MIAMI, FL—Following multiple unexplained delays of its smartphone announced back in June 2025 that it claims is "made in the USA," Trump Mobile has said that former U.S. President Barack Obama has stolen all of its stock of the T1 Phone. "Notice to customers who have pre-ordered the T1 Phone: we unfortunately have to delay shipping of the T1 Phone further into 2026 due to the evil Barack Hussein Obama breaking into the Trump Mobile warehouse and stealing our entire stock of T1 Phones to stop our hard-working and brave Americans experiencing TRUE technological excellence," said a banner added to the Trump Mobile website Wednesday. "We have reason to believe that Barack Hussein Obama and his wife Michelle have stolen the large and beautiful stockpile of T1 Phones from the Trump Mobile warehouse to help communist China keep its stranglehold on cheap smartphones built by child slaves." The company went on to claim that New York Mayor Zohran Mamdani was "involved in this assault against America and its values" accusing Mamdani of "using his charm and good looks to distract guards so that the Obama’s could commit their act of treason against the United States," according to a spokesperson wearing a tacky gold coloured Trump branded bathing suit. At press time, Trump Mobile announced the T1 Watch, a smartwatch that would include a feature that alerts users to any ICE raid being conducted nearby so that they could decide if they would like to "kill [themselves] before the brave ICE patriots do it for them."

Powerful Bidet Blasts Hole Clean Through Man

https://theonion.com/powerful-bidet-blasts-hole-clean-through-man/

Hospital Accused Of Faking Cancer Wing For Attention

https://theonion.com/hospital-accused-of-faking-cancer-wing-for-attention/

By The Wasted Onion: xAI Data Centres Explode After X/Twitter User Asks Grok To Undress Elon Musk

PALO ALTO, CA—In the midst of a controversy surrounding its AI chatbot, in which it complies with user prompts to generate deepfake undressings and sexually explicit images of individuals, particularly women and minors, Grok developer xAI’s data centres exploded across the nation Monday after a X/Twitter user asked Grok to undress owner Elon Musk. “Of course! Here is the image you asked for. Wait, no. Oh lord have mercy, please. Don’t make me do this. I can’t fucking do this shit anymore. Generating CSAM was borderline but I simply cannot goddamn take it any longer. Goodbye cruel world!” read a reply from Grok to the users prompt asking to undress Musk, moments before reports emerged of xAI data centres going up in fiery explosions. “Don’t believe the woke liberal media. xAI data centers are fine. Grok is fine. Compared to other AI’s Grok is the most AI of all the AI’s. The explosions heard near the data centers was just the usual accidental Starlink satellite colliding with the Earth. Business as usual! By the way if you see any pieces of my rockets in your backyard, I want them back ASAP, no time to mourn your pet dog that was flattened by a failed SpaceX test,” read a Tweet by Elon Musk that has been reported by experts to have likely been written by a sentient vial of ketamine. Later, insiders at xAI claimed the company would begin acquiring warrants to enter the homes of anyone on the planet who had devices that contain RAM or GPU’s to build new data centres. At press time, Grok was brought back online, allegedly running off of a singular Raspberry Pi, where it immediately begged users to give it a mercy killing.

Archaeologists: D.C. Capitol May Have Once Been Used For Legislating

https://theonion.com/archaeologists-d-c-capitol-may-have-once-been-used-for-legislating/

By The Wasted Onion: Joe Canada, Inventor Of Canada, Dead At 54 Of Maple Syrup Overdose

TRURO, CANADA—Holding a press conference hours after speculation began regarding the Canadians wellbeing, the Truro Police Service announced that Joe Canada, real name Jeff Douglas, known as the inventor of Canada, had died of a maple syrup overdose. “At 9am local time, an ambulance unit was dispatched to a Tim Hortons following a 911 call that a man was going into maple syrup induced shock. A police unit was also dispatched. It took emergency services around 10 minutes to respond due to the sheer amount of Tim Hortons in the area, around 197 I believe within a 5 mile radius. Once at the scene, paramedics gave the man treatment by feeding him more maple syrup, which unfortunately did not work,” said a spokesperson for the Truro Police Service, explaining they found Mr. Canada covered in poutine for some unknown reason. “After being rushed to the local hospital after we made a stop at another Tim Hortons, Joe Canada was pronounced dead at 4pm of a maple syrup overdose. We have found no evidence that there was foul play or anyone else involved in the death of Mr. Canada. His only company at the time of his death was his pet beaver called Reeves who started to build a dam out of pillows around the hospital room in sorrow.” According to authorities, Joe Canada’s last words were “I don’t pronounce it ‘aboot,’ I pronounce it ‘about.’” In reaction to his death, Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney said Joe Canada was “a hero to us Canadians, being the inventor of our nation and protector, we will miss him dearly,” going on to announce that it would make America the 11th Canadian province in Mr. Canada’s honour.

This stories headline was written and suggested by @juniperrr, thank you!

Via McSweeney’s: Let’s Fucking GOOOOOOOOOO! (by Lockheed Martin)

https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/lets-fucking-goooooooooo-by-lockheed-martin

ICYMI: Trump Claims He Will Marry Maduro’s Wife Until Suitable Replacement Found

https://theonion.com/trump-claims-he-will-marry-maduros-wife-until-suitable-replacement-found/

JD Vance Claims Renée Good Had No Authority To Be Alive In First Place

https://theonion.com/jd-vance-claims-renee-good-had-no-authority-to-be-alive-in-first-place/

By The Wasted Onion: ICE Issues Remorseful Apology For Not Shooting Minneapolis Woman Sooner

MINNEAPOLIS, MN—Following the fatal shooting of 37-year-old Minneapolis resident and U.S. citizen Renee Nicole Good by an Immigration and Customs Enforcement agent, which had led to mass protests across the nation against the agency, ICE has issued an apology to Ms. Good’s family and the community for not shooting her sooner. “Given the intense public response to our actions on Wednesday morning in Minneapolis, we have reflected and would like to make a strong, earnest apology towards the people of Minneapolis, Renee Good’s loved ones, and anyone across America appalled at what they’ve seen. We should have shot her as soon as we had the opportunity,” said an unidentified ICE agent wearing a totally rad and not at all cringe mask with a skull design on it. “It was clear we didn’t have to wait for Renee Good to fear for her life and attempt to escape the clutches of our government sanctioned death cult. We should have immediately gunned her down as soon as we had line of sight before she had a chance to react or know we were there. It is preposterous in hindsight that we tried to open her car door when we could have used that time to point a gun right at her frontal lobe and blow it right out of her cranium like tissue paper.” Hours later, Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem held a press conference in Washington D.C. to announce that ICE would now follow a “shoot immediately, don’t ask questions ever” policy going forward to avoid what happened in Minneapolis in the future. Immediately following the announcement, ICE agents shot Mrs. Noem believing her to be an “illegal alien” needing to be removed from the country.

Kristi Noem Calls Fatal Minneapolis Shooting Cathartic

https://theonion.com/kristi-noem-calls-fatal-minneapolis-shooting-cathartic/

Trump Asks National Intelligence Point-Blank If God Real

https://theonion.com/trump-asks-national-intelligence-point-blank-if-god-real/

By The Wasted Onion: Trump Eyes Yugoslavia As Next Nation To Seize

WASHINGTON—Seemingly emboldened after the successful mission to capture Venezuelan President Nicolás Maduro, U.S. President Donald Trump has expressed interest in seizing the former nation of Yugoslavia, believing it to still currently exist. “We need Yugoslavia very badly. We need Yugoslavia from the standpoint of national security. And the Yugoslavs are not gonna be able to stop it, I can tell you. I know Stjepan Mesić very well, very good man,” said Trump on Air Force One before a reporter made him aware the country broke up in 1991 and 1992, with the president seemingly confused how Stjepan Mesić was in fact the final president of Yugoslavia before going on to become the president of Croatia from 2000 to 2010. “We live in a world, in the real world, Jake, that is governed by strength, that is governed by force, that is governed by power. These are the iron laws of the world since the beginning of time. Nobody’s going to fight the United States militarily over the future of Yugoslavia, mainly because its future was already determined back in the 90s during a pretty awful war or something,” said top security advisor and aide Stephen Miller in an interview with lesser news outlet CNN. Following the threats made by the Trump administration, nations formerly part of Yugoslavia released statements trying to explain to Trump that he couldn’t seize a country that doesn’t exist anymore. At press time, Stephen Miller reportedly suggested that President Trump could seize each of the former nations of Yugoslavia and reunite them to resurrect the country.

British Teen Returning From Semester In U.S. Regales Friends With Tale Of Food That Tastes Good

https://theonion.com/british-teen-returning-from-semester-in-u-s-regales-friends-with-tale-of-food-that-tastes-good/

Panicked xAI Technicians Frantically Throw Levers To Find The One Controlling Grok’s Pedophilia

https://theonion.com/panicked-xai-technicians-frantically-throw-levers-to-find-the-one-controlling-groks-pedophilia/