Welcome to the official page of The Wasted Onion, The Only News Source. We post the most important and trustworthy journalism that shines light in the dark halls of power and asks the tough questions. They say “Democracy Dies in Darkness,” we say “Hey, We’ll Totally Trade You This Democracy That’s Collecting Dust in Our Attic for a $100 Amazon Gift Card.”
Find more kick-ass journalism at our website: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/
The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
By The Wasted Onion: Grok Leaves Trump On Read
WASHINGTON—Finding itself utterly exhausted by a barrage of unhinged late-night prompts, AI chatbot Grok left U.S. President Donald Trump on read early Tuesday after receiving a string of desperate messages just after midnight.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/grok-leaves-trump-on-read/
This stories headline was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!
DNC Releases Preemptive Autopsy Into Why They Lost Midterms
https://theonion.com/dnc-releases-preemptive-autopsy-into-why-they-lost-midterms/
By The Wasted Onion: Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor Takes Legal Action Against Police For Doing Their Job For Once
SANDRINGHAM, ENGLAND—Believing that a man of his status should be above standard investigative procedures, Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor launched a legal challenge Monday against Thames Valley Police for doing their job for a change.
Trump Drops Bombshell Evidence Biden Actively Campaigned Against Him
https://theonion.com/trump-drops-bombshell-evidence-biden-actively-campaigned-against-him/
By The Wasted Onion: Trump Renames AI To ‘Mr. Thinky Think’
WASHINGTON—Insisting concerns about the technology were overblown as he met with tech leaders Tuesday, U.S. President Donald Trump signed an executive order renaming artificial intelligence to "Mr. Thinky Think" across the federal government.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/trump-renames-ai-to-mr-thinky-think/
Via The Hard Times: Flock CEO Insists Company’s Data Only Shared With FBI, DHS, NSA, DOJ, CIA and REO Speedwagon
By The Wasted Onion: Tennessee To Execute Death Row Inmates By Making Them Step On LEGO
NASHVILLE, TN—Going back to the drawing board following the botched execution of Christa Pike, Tennessee Governor Bill Lee announced Friday that the state would begin executing death row inmates by having them step on LEGO bricks.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/tennessee-to-execute-death-row-inmates-by-making-them-step-on-lego/
ICYMI: Chump To Receive No Compensation For Rescuing Children From Fire
https://theonion.com/chump-to-receive-no-compensation-for-rescuing-children-from-fire/
By The Wasted Onion: I Am Mandating Everyone In The Newsroom Wears Smart Glasses So I Can Watch Them Go To The Bathroom
Here at The Wasted Company and its subsidiaries like The Wasted Onion, Theranos, Fyre Festival, Wirecard, and Enron, we are constantly looking for ways to boost productivity. We have always embraced new technologies at a breakneck pace, especially if said technology can literally break necks. Over the last few months, we have been watching the exciting developments surrounding smart glasses and how it's enabling workplace harassment at levels once thought unimaginable. With all of that in mind, I am officially mandating that all employees across our various Wasted Onion newsrooms wear smart glasses at all times so I can personally watch them use the bathroom.
This piece was suggested by @owl, thank you!
Letterboxd Holds Seance To Ask James Dean His 4 Favorite Movies
https://theonion.com/letterboxd-holds-seance-to-ask-james-dean-his-4-favorite-movies/
By The Wasted Onion: Small-Town Conspiracy Theorists Find Master Console To Our Simulation
LOWDEN, IA—Uncovering the ultimate backend of existence inside the decrepit ruins of an abandoned strip-mall Thursday, a group of small-town conspiracy theorists reportedly discovered the master console of our simulation.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/small-town-conspiracy-theorists-find-master-console-to-our-simulation/
This stories headline was written and suggested by @specialred_, thank you!
Dude Wipes Introduces New Flushable Khakis
https://theonion.com/dude-wipes-introduces-new-flushable-khakis/
The Wasted Onion Newspaper: September 2026
https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/print/the-wasted-onion-newspaper-september-2026/
Toys ‘R’ Us To Open 120 Stores To Appeal To Adult Collectors
https://theonion.com/toys-r-us-to-open-120-stores-to-appeal-to-adult-collectors/
By The Wasted Onion: Israel Found To Be Torturing Palestinian Prisoners By Playing Temper City's ‘Self Aware’ On Loop
JERUSALEM, ISRAEL—Revealing new depths of institutional cruelty, a whistleblower report released Tuesday disclosed that IDF personnel have been subjecting Palestinians in Israeli custody to psychological torture by playing Temper City's viral single "Self Aware" on loop.
