@wastedonion

Trump Downplays Significance Of Trump Tower Found On Epstein Island

https://theonion.com/trump-downplays-significance-of-trump-tower-found-on-epstein-island/

Election Coverage: Thrat And Eris Go Insane After Telepathically Reading Each Other's Thoughts

THE INTERNET—Following the bombshell announcement that the two campaigns would merge into one, presidential candidate Thrat and vice presidential candidate Eris went insane Thursday after forming a telepathic link and reading each other's thoughts.

By The Wasted Onion: I Took A Bribe To Commit Murder, But Owl And Juni Are Even More Unfit For Office

Hi guys! It is me, presidential nominee Thrat! I would firstly like to thank all of my loyal voters[?], who are ensuring a bright and prosperous wasteof.money [EDITOR'S NOTE: Bold of you to assume wasteof was ever bright or prosperous]. My rant’s primary service is not to serve as political propaganda [EDITOR'S NOTE: Keep telling yourself that, pal] so that more people vote for me (although I’d love that, thank you!), but as a stern warning to my fellow wasteof.money users about the dangers of electing someone like Owl or Juni.

This piece was written by @thrat, thank you!

Elsewhere On The Campaign Trail:

• EvilJeffalo Surges In Polls For Pledging To Make Wasteof A Dictatorship

• Narcissistic Jeffalo Votes For Owl So He Can Learn What Her Kindly Worded Letter Says

• Juni's Real Name Revealed To Be ‘Figel Narage’

Full coverage: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/thrat-and-eris-go-insane-after-telepathically-reading-each-others-thoughts/

Tearful Mark Zuckerberg Smothers Metaverse Avatar With Digital Pillow

https://theonion.com/tearful-mark-zuckerberg-smothers-metaverse-avatar-with-digital-pillow/

Election Coverage: EvilJeffalo Promises Free Puppies For Everyone, Assures They Not Bombs

THE INTERNET—Revealing their platform for the 2026 wasteof.money presidential election, EvilJeffalo promised Wednesday to provide every single user with a free puppy, while assuring the public that the pets are not rigged with volatile explosives.

Elsewhere On The Campaign Trail:

• Fact Check: Thrat Does Not Have A Prime To Return To

• Owl Campaign In Shambles After Other Candidates Offer Eight Free Waffles Rather Than Seven

• Eris Promises To Reveal Your IP Address If Elected

Full coverage: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/eviljeffalo-promises-free-puppies-for-everyone-assures-they-not-bombs/

Melania Trump Discovered To Be Russian Listening Device

https://theonion.com/melania-trump-discovered-to-be-russian-listening-device/

By The Wasted Onion: Wasted Onion To Waterboard All Candidates In Exclusive 2026 Wasteof Election Coverage

STIRLING, SCOTLAND—Unveiling its upcoming 2026 wasteof.money election coverage, titled "War for Crack," The Wasted Onion has announced Monday that it will exclusively waterboard all candidates as part of its comprehensive reporting on the vital race.

Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/wasted-onion-to-waterboard-all-candidates-in-exclusive-2026-wasteof-election-coverage/

Spiteful AIPAC Spends $30 Million On Loud Bird Perched Outside Abdul El-Sayed’s Window

https://theonion.com/spiteful-aipac-spends-30-million-on-loud-bird-perched-outside-abdul-el-sayeds-window/

By The Wasted Onion: Man Found Dead After Asking The Wasted Onion For A Source

HOOPER BAY, AK—Leaving the local community reeling, 34-year-old carpenter Finlay Shaw was found dead Monday morning, just hours after leaving a comment on social media asking The Wasted Onion for a source.

Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/man-found-dead-after-asking-the-wasted-onion-for-a-source/

This stories headline was written and suggested by @specialred_, thank you!

Dept. Of Interior Grills Up Nation’s Remaining Endangered Species

https://theonion.com/dept-of-interior-grills-up-nations-remaining-endangered-species/

From The Archives: Man Given 6 Months To Live Beats Odds By Dying In 2

https://theonion.com/man-given-6-months-to-live-beats-odds-by-dying-in-2/

By The Wasted Onion: Piers Morgan Uncensored Hosts Debate Between Hydrogen Bomb And Coughing Baby

SOUTHWARK, LONDON—In a bid to foster respectful public discourse, Piers Morgan Uncensored uploaded a video to its YouTube channel Saturday featuring a debate between a hydrogen bomb and a coughing baby.

Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/peirs-morgan-uncensored-hosts-debate-between-hydrogen-bomb-and-coughing-baby/

Via The Hard Times: Adorable Dog Mayor of Small Town Approves Data Center

https://thehardtimes.net/culture/adorable-dog-mayor-of-small-town-approves-data-center/

By The Wasted Onion: Internet Goes Offline After Entirety Of IT Workforce Attends Furry Convention

ARLINGTON, VA—Bringing the digital world to a sudden standstill, the internet went completely offline Friday after the entirety of the IT workforce departed en masse to attend Anthrolington, a furry convention being held in Arlington, Virginia throughout the weekend.

Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/internet-goes-offline-after-entirety-of-it-workforce-attends-furry-convention/

This stories headline was written and suggested by @juni, thank you!

Everyone Needs To Calm   Down, Reports Man Who Accidentally Shot Someone

https://theonion.com/everyone-needs-to-calm-down-reports-man-who-accidentally-shot-someone/

By The Wasted Onion: Gianni Infantino Apologises For ‘Errors,’ Vows To Keep Making Them

RABAT, MOROCCO—Following an emergency crisis meeting in which senior executives backed his leadership, FIFA President Gianni Infantino apologised for "errors" made regarding a proposal to secure private investment in FIFA tournaments, vowing that he would make those exact same errors again in the future.

Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/gianni-infantino-apologises-for-errors-vows-to-keep-making-them/