Welcome to the official page of The Wasted Onion, The Only News Source. We post the most important and trustworthy journalism that shines light in the dark halls of power and asks the tough questions. They say “Democracy Dies in Darkness,” we say “Hey, We’ll Totally Trade You This Democracy That’s Collecting Dust in Our Attic for a $100 Amazon Gift Card.”
Find more kick-ass journalism at our website: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/
The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: ‘Love Thy Neighbour’ Amended To Exclude Those Who Leave Toilet Seat Up
College Professor Pretty Sure Student Using AI To Refuse Advances
https://theonion.com/college-professor-pretty-sure-student-using-ai-to-refuse-advances/
By The Wasted Onion: Ivanka Trump And Jared Kushner Buy Epstein Island
SAINT THOMAS, U.S. VIRGIN ISLANDS—Making the announcement during a recent podcast appearance, Ivanka Trump announced that she and her husband Jared Kushner have purchased Little Saint James, infamously referred to as Epstein Island.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/ivanka-trump-and-jared-kushner-buy-epstein-island/
Black Neighborhood Demolished To Make Room For Nothing In Particular
https://theonion.com/black-neighborhood-demolished-to-make-room-for-nothing-in-particular/
By The Wasted Onion: Peter Murrell Bought Baguette Body Pillow With Embezzled SNP Funds
EDINBURGH, SCOTLAND—Appearing for a court hearing regarding the timeline of his crimes in which he made purchases during a 12-year period with over £400,000 of embezzled funds from the Scottish National Party, it was revealed Tuesday that former SNP Chief Executive Peter Murrell purchased a body pillow that looks like a baguette.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/peter-murrell-bought-baguette-body-pillow-with-embezzled-snp-funds/
Kash Patel Under Fire For Using FBI Jet To Blow-Dry Hair
https://theonion.com/kash-patel-under-fire-for-using-fbi-jet-to-blow-dry-hair/
By The Wasted Onion: Zuckerberg To Build 7,500 Shelters For Lizard People Across U.S.
MENLO PARK, CA—Emphasising how "at risk" of discrimination he felt this minority of the U.S. population is, Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced Monday his plans to build 7,500 shelters for lizard people across the United States.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/zuckerberg-to-build-7500-shelters-for-lizard-people-across-us/
This stories headline was written and suggested by @owl, thank you!
Tearful Trump Claims He Was Sex-Trafficked By Epstein
https://theonion.com/tearful-trump-claims-he-was-sex-trafficked-by-epstein/
The Wasted Onion Newspaper: May 2026
https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/print/the-wasted-onion-newspaper-may-2026/
Via The Hard Times: Trump Promises To End Iran War on Day One of Third Term
https://thehardtimes.net/culture/trump-promises-to-end-iran-war-on-day-one-of-third-term/
ICYMI By The Wasted Onion: U.S. Orders 5,000 Troops To Pull Out Of Germans
BERLIN, GERMANY—In an escalation of a spat between German Chancellor Friedrich Merz and U.S. President Donald Trump regarding the ongoing Iran war, the Pentagon announced Monday that it has ordered 5,000 troops to pull out of Germans.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/us-orders-5000-troops-to-pull-out-of-germans/
ICYMI: Trump Decries Lack Of Space To Host Parties Inside MRI Machine
https://theonion.com/trump-decries-lack-of-space-to-host-parties-inside-mri-machine/
By The Wasted Onion: Study: 95% Of Documents Written On Google Docs Are Allegations Against Minor Internet Celebrities
MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Sharing their findings with journalists nearby the tech giants headquarters Friday, researchers have found in an extensive study that 95% of all documents written with Google Docs are allegations against minor internet celebrities.
Pit Bull Makes Throat-Slitting Gesture While Owner Not Looking
https://theonion.com/pit-bull-makes-throat-slitting-gesture-while-owner-not-looking/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Man Asks Gemini To Double-Check ChatGPT Answer
https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/special/man-asks-gemini-to-double-check-chatgpt-answer/
