Welcome to the official page of The Wasted Onion, The Only News Source. We post the most important and trustworthy journalism that shines light in the dark halls of power and asks the tough questions. They say “Democracy Dies in Darkness,” we say “Hey, We’ll Totally Trade You This Democracy That’s Collecting Dust in Our Attic for a $100 Amazon Gift Card.”
The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
Report: Electric Guitar Means This Likely Not Your Mother’s ‘Jingle Bells’
https://theonion.com/report-electric-guitar-means-this-likely-not-your-mothers-jingle-bells/
‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens
https://theonion.com/no-way-to-prevent-this-says-only-nation-where-this-regularly-happens-3/
By The Wasted Onion: Marco Rubio Orders State Department To Replace Calibri Font With Wingdings
WASHINGTON—Insisting that the Biden-era directive was “wasteful” and “embarrassing,” Secretary of State Marco Rubio has ordered the State Department replace the Calibri typeface with Wingdings in all official paperwork. “I am determined to root out woke DEI wherever it hides. With this in mind, I have officially ordered the State Department to use Wingdings in all official documentation, effective immediately. Switching to Calibri achieved nothing except the degradation of the department's correspondence. This change to Wingdings ensures we display the very best of America in everything we do by refusing to use words and instead communicating only in simple symbols like cavemen,” said Rubio while fumbling his words trying to read the TelePrompter written in the Wingdings typeface. “🕈︎︎♏︎︎ 🙵■︎︎□︎︎⬥︎︎ ⧫︎︎♒︎︎♏︎︎ ●︎︎♓︎︎♌︎︎♏︎︎❒︎︎♋︎︎●︎︎ ❍︎︎♋︎︎♓︎︎■︎︎⬧︎︎⧫︎︎❒︎︎♏︎︎♋︎︎❍︎︎ ❍︎︎♏︎︎♎︎︎♓︎︎♋︎︎ ⬥︎︎♓︎︎●︎︎●︎︎ ❍︎︎□︎︎♍︎︎🙵 ⧫︎︎♒︎︎♏︎︎ 
︎︎⧫︎︎♋︎︎⧫︎︎♏︎︎ 
︎︎♏︎︎◻︎︎♋︎︎❒︎︎⧫︎︎❍︎︎♏︎︎■︎︎⧫︎︎ ♐︎︎□︎︎❒︎︎ ⧫︎︎♒︎︎♓︎︎⬧︎︎ ♍︎︎♒︎︎♋︎︎■︎︎♑︎︎♏︎︎
︎︎ ⧫︎︎♒︎︎♏︎︎⍓︎︎ॐ︎︎●︎︎●︎︎ ⬧︎︎♋︎︎⍓︎︎ ♓︎︎⧫︎︎⬧︎︎ ‘♌︎︎♋︎︎♎︎︎ ♐︎︎□︎︎❒︎︎ ♋︎︎♍︎︎♍︎︎♏︎︎⬧︎︎⬧︎︎♓︎︎♌︎︎♓︎︎●︎︎♓︎︎⧫︎︎⍓︎︎
︎︎’ 
︎︎◆︎︎⧫︎︎ ⬥︎︎♏︎︎ ♎︎︎□︎︎ ■︎︎□︎︎⧫︎︎ ♍︎︎♋︎︎❒︎︎♏︎︎︎︎ ♐︎︎◆︎︎♍︎︎🙵 ⧫︎︎♒︎︎♏︎︎ ❖︎︎♓︎︎⬧︎︎◆︎︎♋︎︎●︎︎●︎︎⍓︎︎ ♓︎︎❍︎︎◻︎︎♋︎︎♓︎︎❒︎︎♏︎︎♎︎︎,” said the State Department in a official press release following media criticism. Following the order, type designers around the world were heard nerding out about fonts even louder than normal, and experts expect the insistent blabbering about serifs and sans-serifs for another week, advising the public to purchase earplugs to drown out the dorks. At press time, the State Department headquarters exploded following a communication in Wingdings that was misinterpreted by a technician as instructing him to press the “blow the whole darn building up” button.
ICYMI: This Your Best One Yet, Report Nation’s Sycophants
https://theonion.com/this-your-best-one-yet-report-nations-sycophants/
By The Wasted Onion: Trump Announces ‘Trump Land’ Theme Park
MIAMI, FL—Adding to his already extensive personal merchandising operation Saturday, U.S. President Donald Trump has announced his own personal theme park named “Trump Land” that will be built in Miami, Florida. “As the PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, I am proud to announce TRUMP LAND! An ALL NEW Theme Park coming to Miame [sic], Florida! It will be the GREATEST theme park in the WORLD! SO EXCITING! Our beautiful nation will finally have a theme park it can be proud of! Unlike the woke and fake mainstream Theme Parks like Disney World and their DEI ROLLERCOASTERS,” said a post made to the president’s Truth Social account. “I love Miami, I’ve won there many times. By a massive margin. They love me there, they say it all the time; ‘oh, Mr. Trump, you’re the best. Mr. Trump, can you impregnate me?’ It’s true, they really said that. That’s why Trump Land is going to be in Miami, Barron is going to run it, he’ll do great, he’ll also get to pick a girlfriend from all the girls that visit the park,” said Trump in the Oval Office. Alongside the announcement from the president, the Trump Organization released renderings of the upcoming theme park with various attractions such as the “Crooked Joe Biden Bumper Cars,” “Capitol Riot Hide-And-Seek,” “Hang The Mike Pence,” “Liberal Media Fake News Rollercoaster,” “Hack The Hillary Clinton Email Server Escape Room” and a museum featuring the photos of every woman the president has grabbed the pussy of. At press time, the Trump Organization clarified that visitors to the upcoming theme park would be shot on sight if they mentioned disgraced financier and paedophile Jeffrey Epstein.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @leblankr, thank you!
ICYMI: Plex Submits $35 Bid For Warner Bros.
https://theonion.com/plex-submits-35-bid-for-warner-bros/
Study Finds 80% Of Americans Lack Social Connections To Pull Off Heist
https://theonion.com/study-finds-80-of-americans-lack-social-connections-to-pull-off-heist/
By The Wasted Onion: Trump Administration Removes MLK Day And Juneteenth From Nations Collective Memory
WASHINGTON—Harnessing the power of the executive branch Wednesday, the Trump administration has begun the process to remove Martin Luther King Jr. Day and Juneteenth from the collective memories of American citizens. “As part of the president’s courageous and righteous crusade to bring back merit to our great nation, the United States government is devising a plan to erase the so-called Martin Luther King Day and Juneteenth federal holidays from the memories of every single citizen of this great nation. The woke DEI programs instituted by crooked Joe Biden have made America weak. President Trump is making America great again by removing random shit that people aren’t even complaining about,” said White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt during a press briefing moments before a bright white light enveloped the room. “Huh? Where am I? Who are you people? What are we doing here? Um, hold on a moment. Ah yes, I’m here to call all you news whores little beta woke cuck losers,” said Leavitt with a blank expression on her face. Following what is believed to be the erasure of America’s memories, the White House had reportedly planted a new federal holiday into the public's memory called “Trump’s Penis Appreciation Month.” At press time, Trump officials were seen walking the walls of the White House in a dazed, confused state, indicating everything was running like normal after the memory erasure.
Can You Guys Come Pick Me Up? I Accidentally Returned To Mars
https://theonion.com/can-you-guys-come-pick-me-up-i-accidentally-returned-to-mars/
By The Wasted Onion: U.S. Invades Heard And McDonald Islands
WASHINGTON—Citing the supposed “immediate threat” that the territory poses to the nation's national security, U.S. President Donald Trump announced that he has ordered the military to deploy and invade the Heard and McDonald Islands. “My fellow Americans, today I have ordered the Department of War to deploy U.S. troops to disarm the Heard and McDonald’s [sic] Islands. They are very bad people, very bad. They are flightless, wet and way too big to be birds, birds are meant to be small. They have to be people, very bad people as I said. Their emperor is a very dangerous man, a strong man, very not good. We just have to take care of Heard and McDonald’s [sic]. They dumped hundreds of thousands of people into our zoos,” said Trump in an address to the nation. “These people on Heard and McDonald’s [sic] are very bad. They swim and waddle, what other people do that? They didn’t get my order for a Big Tasty and large strawberry milkshake right either, very bad at listening. We need to stop them. Our brave, very wonderful soldiers will beautifully stop them and put America first.” Sources close to the president believe he may have confused the island entirely inhabited by penguins as a nation formed by the fast food chain McDonald’s after Secretary of War Pete Hegseth drunkenly referred to the islands as “Big Macistan.” At press time, U.S. soldiers deployed to the islands had retreated after being pecked and out-manoeuvred by the flightless birds inhabiting the territory.
Japanese Monk Racks Brain For Haiku That Will Knock Them On Their Asses
https://theonion.com/japanese-monk-racksbrain-for-haiku-that-will-knockthem-on-their-asses/
The Wasted Onion Magazine: 174-Year-Old NYC Newsroom Still Serves News The Old Fashioned Way
JD Vance Reminded To Use White House Service Entrance
https://theonion.com/jd-vance-reminded-to-use-white-house-service-entrance/
