Welcome to the official page of The Wasted Onion, The Only News Source. We post the most important and trustworthy journalism that shines light in the dark halls of power and asks the tough questions. They say “Democracy Dies in Darkness,” we say “Hey, We’ll Totally Trade You This Democracy That’s Collecting Dust in Our Attic for a $100 Amazon Gift Card.”
The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
Santa Tracker Shows Sleigh Stopped For 40 Minutes Outside Old Girlfriend’s House
By The Wasted Onion: Trump Signs Executive Order Declaring He Santa
WASHINGTON—Remarking that it was a "beautiful Christmas miracle” Wednesday, U.S. President Donald Trump signed an executive order declaring that he is Santa Claus. “Today is a great day for our country. Possibly the greatest of all the great days, that’s what they say, it's true. I’m going to be the greatest Santa Claus, the only Santa you’ll need. You’ll get all the presents, each and every single one. I will also stop the illegal aliens invading our country and killing our dogs and eating our people from receiving presents on Christmas day,” said the president moments after signing the executive order while wearing a red Santa outfit with “Make The North Pole Great Again” emblazoned on the crotch area. “The woke left lunatics made our once great North Pole weak and sad. They made all the elves transgender and made the reindeer all computer. They even made Rudolph's red nose an LED to make it all ‘eco’ or whatever garbage the climate terrorists talk about. We’re going to fix that, we’re going to deport Mrs. Claus for being an illegal Mexican DEI hire and bring back merit to the once respected North Pole.” The president also said that as Santa Claus, he would leave presents under the trees of children that he thinks would give him the best massage, rather than the traditional method of visiting every child who was on the nice list on Christmas Eve. At press time, panic had gripped the White House following the realisation that a spelling error in the executive order meant the president had declared himself Satan rather than Santa.
Felt Beard Taped To Child’s Face Hanging On For Dear Life With Entire Christmas Pageant To Go
By The Wasted Onion: ‘Octuple Glep’ Artwork Added To Late’s Vice Presidential Library And Arts Museum
THE INTERNET—Expanding the already vast array of work featured in its establishment, the board of Late’s Vice Presidential Library And Arts Museum has unanimously voted to add a piece of art entitled “Octuple Glep” to its collection. “I hereby decree that the Lativion “Late” The Idiot Vice Presidential Library & Art Museum has voted entirely in favour of adding ‘Octuple Glep’ by @Noodle to its world-renowned and eclectic collection. It will be yet another masterpiece that documents the powerful and amazing vice presidential term of Late,” said the administrator of the vice president's library, Early. “This piece is one of our finest yet. Late has been extremely vocal of his love for Glep from Smiling Friends. So much so that he won’t shut the fuck up about it. I sometimes wish to strangle him until he becomes a lifeless corpse, or smother him while he sleeps with a pillow, either works really. Unfortunately the vice president cannot be here with us for this vote, as he’s always late for everything, it is his brand after all.” The piece, made by wasteof user Noodle, features 8 differently coloured variants of Glep, a character from the Netflix series “Smiling Friends,” which evokes the classic pop art style. It is also made from “only the highest quality” Discord UI elements. At press time, a sophisticated and organised group of criminals broke in and stole the piece from the vice presidential library, only to return it hours later after realising they confused the library with the Louvre in France.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @kiwi, thank you!
From The Archives: 12-Year-Old’s Christmas List Demonstrates Heartbreaking Awareness Of Family’s Financial Predicament
https://theonion.com/12-year-old-s-christmas-list-demonstrates-heartbreaking-1819577264/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: BREAKING: ███████████ █████ █████████ █████████
This special report was written and suggested by @kiwi, thank you!
Ho, Ho, Ho! I’m Regrowing My Foreskin!
https://theonion.com/ho-ho-ho-im-regrowing-my-foreskin-2/
https://theonion.com/ho-ho-ho-im-regrowing-my-foreskin/
By The Wasted Onion: President Kiwi Announces ‘The Wasting Games’ Where Competitors Attempt To Waste As Much Money As Possible
THE INTERNET—Explaining the “massive opportunity” he is offering to the nation Sunday, wasteof President Kiwi has announced a live television competition titled “The Wasting Games” in which participants compete to waste the most amount of money. “My fellow wasteof users, I am overjoyed to share with you today my administrations greatest idea yet, The Wasting Games! In this upcoming competition, we will pit a selection of you against each other to waste the most amount of money you possibly can. The one who wastes the most money will get to stay in our wonderful nation, the loser however, well, they go to the hole,” said the president during an address to the nation, his eyes rolling into the back of his skull when referring to “the hole” with a demonic voice. “Now I know what some of you will be thinking, ‘this sounds all very dystopian, like something George Orwell would concoct’ or ‘an episode of Black Mirror that never got greenlit for being too depressing.’ But I can assure you, it will be like, super duper cool guys, I promise you won’t feel like you’re one step away from having to volunteer as tribute. You’ll just go into severe, crippling debt that will ruin your future forever.” In reaction to the announcement, owner of wasteof Jeffalo was found running to the nearest Tim Hortons to avoid being selected for the television program. At press time, the inaugural season of The Wasting Games had begun with one contestant who purchased a X/Twitter Premium subscription being out-wasted by another competitor who purchased a Tesla Cybertruck.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @owl, thank you!
From The Archives: Ho, Ho, Ho! I Started Dating Mrs. Claus When She Was 14!
https://theonion.com/ho-ho-ho-i-started-dating-mrs-claus-when-she-was-14-1851114937/
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sUbE66yH1gE
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: DOJ Renames Epstein Files To Bill Clinton Files
From The Archives: CIA Realizes It’s Been Using Black Highlighters All These Years
https://theonion.com/cia-realizes-its-been-using-black-highlighters-all-thes-1819568147/
The Wasted Onion Magazine: We Didn’t Ask Karoline Leavitt To Stand This Close To The Camera, She Just Did That
Student Who’s Been In 3 School Shootings Starting To Think This Might Be About Him
By The Wasted Onion: President Kiwi Admits In New Memoir That ‘Growing Up, People Kept Asking Me If I Lived In New Zealand For Some Reason’
THE INTERNET—Reflecting on his childhood in the newly released tell-all memoir, wasteof President Kiwi admitted that people have frequently inquired if he lived in New Zealand. “Growing up, people kept asking me if I lived in New Zealand for some reason. All through my adolescence I’ve very often been asked this for what is seemingly no reason at all. I tried asking close friends, family, colleagues, fellow students and even the homeless guy behind the dollar store why everyone thought I am from New Zealand. People online were no different, constantly inquiring if it’s ‘weird to live in a country that isn’t on the map,’ which most certainly baffled me beyond belief,” read a passage from the president’s new “Wasting Away” memoir. “Beyond that, people throughout my life would also referred to me as a ‘geek’ and even on occasion ‘mini.’ Trying to ask about this was even more fruitless, with zero reasons given that would satisfy my endless quest to understand these labels placed on me. If I hadn’t known any better, it was like I had created some sort of online profile that referred to me as a ‘mini kiwi geek,’ which would’ve been quite an odd thing for me to do.” Kiwi’s memoir also details his thoughts and memories from dying and being resurrected multiple times while stranded on a desert island, as well as having to be around other wasteof users for more than 10 seconds. In a 6/7 star review for The Wasted Onion, book reviewer Daniel McBadread said that the memoir was a “fantastic payday thanks to the Crack House handing us a fat stack of wonga to review this bullshit, thanks idiots!”
This stories headline was written and suggested by @kiwi, thank you!
Trump Assures Struggling Nation He Has Plenty Of Money
https://theonion.com/trump-assures-struggling-nation-he-has-plenty-of-money/
