Welcome to the official page of The Wasted Onion, The Only News Source. We post the most important and trustworthy journalism that shines light in the dark halls of power and asks the tough questions. They say “Democracy Dies in Darkness,” we say “Hey, We’ll Totally Trade You This Democracy That’s Collecting Dust in Our Attic for a $100 Amazon Gift Card.”
The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
The Wasted Onion Magazine: Grey Is The New Black: The Upcoming 2026 Fashion Trends For Leaders Captured By The U.S.
From The Archives: CIA Orchestrates Coup D’État To Replace Entire Population Of Venezuela
https://theonion.com/cia-orchestrates-coup-d-etat-to-replace-entire-populati-1819579319/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Peace President Peacefully Orders Peace Strikes On Foreign Nation To Promote Peace Peacefully
From The Archives: Trump Offers Clear, Historical Precedent For Deploying U.S. Military With No Provocation
https://theonion.com/trump-offers-clear-historical-precedent-for-deploying-1832659857/
Duffer Brothers Admit They Haven’t Watched ‘Stranger Things’ In Years
https://theonion.com/duffer-brothers-admit-they-havent-watched-stranger-things-in-years/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Darflen Rebrands To Garflen, Announces Site Will Go Offline Every Monday
ICYMI: Health Speculations Swirl As Trump Seen With Damage Numbers Above Head
https://theonion.com/health-speculations-swirl-as-trump-seen-with-damage-numbers-above-head/
Statement From Clef Bozos, CEO Of The Wasted Onion: Die.
By The Wasted Onion: EarthDevs Reveal 2026 Will Suck As Much Fucking Shit As 2025 Did
THE INTERNET—Giving information about upcoming updates to Earth as it prepares to enter the new year, the developers of Earth have revealed 2026 will suck as much goddamn fucking shit as 2025 did. “As we look forward to the new year and the updates that we have lined up, we are able to let users know that 2026 will suck about as much as 2025 has. This is due to a variety of reasons, such as various unintended bugs that have yet to be remedied and will need our full attention for the next few months. This has delayed work on feature updates, such as the highly requested rebalance of democratic erosion and backsliding,” said the massive nerds on the official @EarthDevs account. “We understand this is not ideal, and we will work as hard as we can to provide those updates that will hopefully make future years more enjoyable for our users going forward. But for now, you can expect a lot of the same from 2026 as you got during 2025. Who knows, maybe you’ll grow to like it.” Following the announcement, users of Earth grew frustrated, sending in over 8,266,855,887 complaints to the developers official feedback form. At press time, Earth developers issued a hotfix that made dictatorships 25% more likely to happen in the country you live in.
Images Of National Parks Replaced With Trump’s Face On Annual Passes
https://theonion.com/images-of-national-parks-replaced-with-trumps-face-on-annual-passes/
By The Wasted Onion: Israel Releases Highly Anticipated List Of Upcoming War Crimes It Will Commit Against Palestinians In New Year
JERUSALEM, ISRAEL—Making an end of year remark at the Knesset Friday, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has released a highly anticipated list of every war crime Israel plans on committing against Palestinians in 2026. “It is with great enthusiasm and pride that I announce to you all today Israel’s 2026 list of war crimes it will commit against the so-called Palestinian people. From ethnic cleansing to genocide and the use of famine as a means of warfare, there is a war crime for every occasion in the new year. No war crime is too heinous, Israel will commit it, over and over again. There are war crimes for boys, girls, old, young and every other kind of war crime enjoyer, 2026 will be packed full of crimes that will take The Hague decades to unravel,” said Netanyahu before dousing himself in a liquid labelled “Palestinian baby blood” and moaning. “The prime minister's recently released list of upcoming atrocities against the Palestinian plague is nowhere near evil enough. Do you think Hitler or Mussolini would be caught dead committing just genocide? No! We must erase the very concept of Palestinians off the face of this Earth so that no one even remembers they existed!” said Finance Minister Bezalel Smotrich while flipping through photos on his phone of maimed Palestinian children in Gaza. Following the release of the list, many U.S. officials and lawmakers warned Israel it would not be sending Christmas cards next year if it did not cease murdering Palestinians so openly. At press time, Human Rights Watch stated that the list of war crimes “was a major wake up call for the world,” going on to warn that Israel’s upcoming performance at the Eurovision Song Contest in Vienna could result in “a mass ear bleeding epidemic” if Israel is not stopped.
From The Archives: At Least Child Laborer Not Staring At iPad All Day
https://theonion.com/at-least-child-laborer-not-staring-at-ipad-all-day/
