Welcome to the official page of The Wasted Onion, The Only News Source. We post the most important and trustworthy journalism that shines light in the dark halls of power and asks the tough questions. They say “Democracy Dies in Darkness,” we say “Hey, We’ll Totally Trade You This Democracy That’s Collecting Dust in Our Attic for a $100 Amazon Gift Card.”
The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
Halloween Special Report: Cursed Videotape Kills Anyone Who Swallows It Whole
https://theonion.com/cursed-videotape-kills-anyone-who-swallows-it-whole/
Neighbors Always Knew Teen Gunman Was Evil And Did Nothing Because They Are Evil Too
China Agrees To Purchase 11 U.S. Soybeans
https://theonion.com/china-agrees-to-purchase-11-u-s-soybeans/
Gray-Lipped RFK Jr. Touts Body’s Natural Ability To Transmute Lead Into Gold
https://theonion.com/gray-lipped-rfk-jr-touts-bodys-natural-ability-to-transmute-lead-into-gold/
By The Wasted Onion: New York Mayoral Election Rules Changed To Require At Least 3 Wasteof Posts Within Last Year To Vote
NEW YORK—Causing shock at the sudden decision in the midst of early voting, the New York City Council has voted Tuesday to change mayoral election rules in the city to require voters must have made at least 3 posts to social media site wasteof.money in the last year to be eligible to vote. “Effective immediately, every New Yorker will be required to have made at least 3 posts to acclaimed Swiss social media website wasteof.money to be eligible to vote in the upcoming mayoral election. If you have already voted during the early voting sites, then you will unfortunately be subject to the death penalty,” said New York City Council Speaker Adrienne Eadie Adams shortly after the vote. “We as New Yorkers have to deal with bullshit like this all the time, whether it be rats on the subway or annoying tourists in Times Square, we have dealt with adversity for all of our lives in this city. This rule change is just another simple bump in the road that we can overcome. Don’t let the rats defeat you, sign up for wasteof.money today and write 3 posts just like I have so you can vote for me on election day,” said mayoral candidate Zohran Mamdani in a video posted to social media shortly after the New York City Council vote. The Andrew Cuomo campaign created an account late Tuesday afternoon, creating 3 posts that all mentioned Mr. Mamdani and 9/11 for unexplained, totally not racist reasons. At press time, the New York City Council was considering further changes to the mayoral election rules, such as a stipulation that any voter who has made an account on social media website Blaze would be ineligible to vote.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!
Trump Accused Of Using Makeup To Conceal Ventilator
https://theonion.com/trump-accused-of-using-makeup-to-conceal-ventilator/
Trump Defends Demolition Of Yggdrasil, Ancient Tree Of Life
https://theonion.com/trump-defends-demolition-of-yggdrasil-ancient-tree-of-life/
By The Wasted Onion: David Zaslav Gleefully Departs Warner Bros. Parking Lot For Last Time After President Kiwi Pays Him Skittles For Studio
BURBANK, CA—Signifying a massive shift in the American filmmaking industry, Warner Bros. Discovery CEO David Zaslav was seen gleefully departing the parking lot of Warner Bros. Studios Burbank after selling the filmmaking facility to wasteof President Kiwi for a bag of Skittles. “A bag of Skittles for a studio facility Warner Bros. has been using to create films for almost a century? Seems pretty fair. I can snack on these while deciding on what finished project I’m going to cancel next for a tax write off!” said the Warner Bros. Discovery CEO in a private conversation with President Kiwi, which was acquired by The Wasted Onion from a man who painted himself the same colour as the tarmac of the studio parking lot to record the conversation. “I am excited to announce that after a productive negotiation with David Zaslav, Warner Bros. have agreed to sell their Burbank studio to us for a tasty bag of Skittles! With this I am proud to announce we’re naming the studio facilities, wastof.studios, which will house the production and filming of ‘The Wasteof.money Movie’ and all of its subsequent spin-offs, such as a documentary about me in which I save the world from saving their money,” said the president in an address to the nation outside the Crack House. Rumours among Hollywood insiders indicated that Warner Bros. was eyeing up the new upcoming White House ballroom as a potential new studio location, with Mr. Zaslav claiming the business could acquire the space by paying U.S. President Trump “totally legal bribes.” At press time, David Zaslav has been arrested for murder outside his home after footage revealed that while snacking on the bag of Skittles he received from President Kiwi, he ran over a man painted like tarmac that recorded his conversation with the wasteof president.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @kiwi, thank you!
Via The Chaser: Epstein connection disqualifies Prince Andrew from royal titles, qualifies him for US Presidency
https://chaser.com.au/world/epstein-connection-disqualifies-prince-andrew/
ICYMI: Trump Touts Productive Call With Putin About Ballroom Sconces
https://theonion.com/trump-touts-productive-call-with-putin-about-ballroom-sconces/
Visibly Bruised Pete Hegseth Declares Wobbly Barstools Threat To National Security
By The Wasted Onion: All Hollywood Studios Shut Down After IShowSpeed Stream Gets 10/10 On IMDb
HOLLYWOOD, CA—Causing the entirety of the Hollywood film business to collapse overnight, every Hollywood studio has permanently shut down Thursday after a livestream by streamer IShowSpeed was rated 10/10 on IMDb. “Effective immediately I am shuttering the entirety of our operations permanently, we simply cannot compete with Mr. Speed and his ability to make every second of a 4-hour livestream meme material. We thought ‘A Minecraft Movie’ was full of memes, but this is a whole other level” said Warner Bros. Discovery CEO David Zaslav before mourning the fact he won’t be able to get anymore tax write-offs by shelving already finished projects. “It is with a heavy heart that we are going to have to close down. It was an honour to create so many memorable moments for people all over the world for over a century, and consolidate so much power that we essentially ran our own mini-state inside of Florida with our theme park. But Mickey Mouse simply cannot challenge the likes of IShowSpeed and his incredible ability to pull funny faces,” said Disney CEO Bob Iger in an investors call early Thursday morning before being stomped on by the Pixar lamp. In a joint statement, CEO’s of all the major Hollywood studios said they were devastated to have been robbed of the opportunity to capitulate to U.S. President Trump even more with further settlements and bribes. At press time, Vince Gilligan, co-creator of Better Call Saul and creator of Breaking Bad, which sits with the second highest rated episode on IMDb behind “EARLY STREAM!” by IShowSpeed, revealed that he was also the executive producer behind the famous livestream.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!
Shelter Dog Just Doesn’t Have That X Factor
https://theonion.com/shelter-dog-just-doesnt-have-that-x-factor/
