Welcome to the official page of The Wasted Onion, The Only News Source. We post the most important and trustworthy journalism that shines light in the dark halls of power and asks the tough questions. They say “Democracy Dies in Darkness,” we say “Hey, We’ll Totally Trade You This Democracy That’s Collecting Dust in Our Attic for a $100 Amazon Gift Card.”
The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
By The Wasted Onion: Israel Releases Highly Anticipated List Of Upcoming War Crimes It Will Commit Against Palestinians In New Year
JERUSALEM, ISRAEL—Making an end of year remark at the Knesset Friday, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has released a highly anticipated list of every war crime Israel plans on committing against Palestinians in 2026. “It is with great enthusiasm and pride that I announce to you all today Israel’s 2026 list of war crimes it will commit against the so-called Palestinian people. From ethnic cleansing to genocide and the use of famine as a means of warfare, there is a war crime for every occasion in the new year. No war crime is too heinous, Israel will commit it, over and over again. There are war crimes for boys, girls, old, young and every other kind of war crime enjoyer, 2026 will be packed full of crimes that will take The Hague decades to unravel,” said Netanyahu before dousing himself in a liquid labelled “Palestinian baby blood” and moaning. “The prime minister's recently released list of upcoming atrocities against the Palestinian plague is nowhere near evil enough. Do you think Hitler or Mussolini would be caught dead committing just genocide? No! We must erase the very concept of Palestinians off the face of this Earth so that no one even remembers they existed!” said Finance Minister Bezalel Smotrich while flipping through photos on his phone of maimed Palestinian children in Gaza. Following the release of the list, many U.S. officials and lawmakers warned Israel it would not be sending Christmas cards next year if it did not cease murdering Palestinians so openly. At press time, Human Rights Watch stated that the list of war crimes “was a major wake up call for the world,” going on to warn that Israel’s upcoming performance at the Eurovision Song Contest in Vienna could result in “a mass ear bleeding epidemic” if Israel is not stopped.
From The Archives: At Least Child Laborer Not Staring At iPad All Day
https://theonion.com/at-least-child-laborer-not-staring-at-ipad-all-day/
By The Wasted Onion: Tourists Entering U.S. Could Be Required To Provide Last 5 Years Of Nudes
WASHINGTON—Explaining that she only wants “the right people” coming into the country, U.S. Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem said that Customs and Border Protection may start asking foreign tourists entering the United States for the last 5 years of their nude images as a condition for entry. “Unlike the previous Biden administration, we do not want violent thugs coming through our borders and making our water transgender or putting fentanyl in our condoms. We do not want the wrong people coming into our country, so with that and national security in mind, I will tell those planning on visiting the United States of America across the world that you may be required to hand over the last 5 years of nude images over to border security to keep America free and safe,” said Mrs. Noem with a stern expression that conveyed either seriousness or a fart being held in. “To be clear, if you attempt to evade this potential new rule by either deleting your nudes or discarding your electronic devices before entry, we will turn you away. Only those who allow agents to conduct a comprehensive search of your devices for any pictures of your dick, pussy, boobs or balls will be able to enter the United States. Don’t worry however, we’ll only laugh at your nudes if you’re fat or something.” Following the statement from Noem, those from around the globe reacted with contempt and bafflement, confused as to why U.S. officials need visitors to the country to hand over their nudes when the government already collects them via covert surveillance. At press time, Homeland Security clarified that minors would also be required to follow the potential new rule, with their nudes being sent directly to the president for “personal reasons” that the agency would not elaborate on.
From The Archives: Cat Clinging To Side Of Christmas Tree Admits That Was Extent Of Plan
https://theonion.com/cat-clinging-to-side-of-christmas-tree-admits-that-was-1849899567/
Santa Tracker Shows Sleigh Stopped For 40 Minutes Outside Old Girlfriend’s House
By The Wasted Onion: Trump Signs Executive Order Declaring He Santa
WASHINGTON—Remarking that it was a "beautiful Christmas miracle” Wednesday, U.S. President Donald Trump signed an executive order declaring that he is Santa Claus. “Today is a great day for our country. Possibly the greatest of all the great days, that’s what they say, it's true. I’m going to be the greatest Santa Claus, the only Santa you’ll need. You’ll get all the presents, each and every single one. I will also stop the illegal aliens invading our country and killing our dogs and eating our people from receiving presents on Christmas day,” said the president moments after signing the executive order while wearing a red Santa outfit with “Make The North Pole Great Again” emblazoned on the crotch area. “The woke left lunatics made our once great North Pole weak and sad. They made all the elves transgender and made the reindeer all computer. They even made Rudolph's red nose an LED to make it all ‘eco’ or whatever garbage the climate terrorists talk about. We’re going to fix that, we’re going to deport Mrs. Claus for being an illegal Mexican DEI hire and bring back merit to the once respected North Pole.” The president also said that as Santa Claus, he would leave presents under the trees of children that he thinks would give him the best massage, rather than the traditional method of visiting every child who was on the nice list on Christmas Eve. At press time, panic had gripped the White House following the realisation that a spelling error in the executive order meant the president had declared himself Satan rather than Santa.
Felt Beard Taped To Child’s Face Hanging On For Dear Life With Entire Christmas Pageant To Go
By The Wasted Onion: ‘Octuple Glep’ Artwork Added To Late’s Vice Presidential Library And Arts Museum
THE INTERNET—Expanding the already vast array of work featured in its establishment, the board of Late’s Vice Presidential Library And Arts Museum has unanimously voted to add a piece of art entitled “Octuple Glep” to its collection. “I hereby decree that the Lativion “Late” The Idiot Vice Presidential Library & Art Museum has voted entirely in favour of adding ‘Octuple Glep’ by @Noodle to its world-renowned and eclectic collection. It will be yet another masterpiece that documents the powerful and amazing vice presidential term of Late,” said the administrator of the vice president's library, Early. “This piece is one of our finest yet. Late has been extremely vocal of his love for Glep from Smiling Friends. So much so that he won’t shut the fuck up about it. I sometimes wish to strangle him until he becomes a lifeless corpse, or smother him while he sleeps with a pillow, either works really. Unfortunately the vice president cannot be here with us for this vote, as he’s always late for everything, it is his brand after all.” The piece, made by wasteof user Noodle, features 8 differently coloured variants of Glep, a character from the Netflix series “Smiling Friends,” which evokes the classic pop art style. It is also made from “only the highest quality” Discord UI elements. At press time, a sophisticated and organised group of criminals broke in and stole the piece from the vice presidential library, only to return it hours later after realising they confused the library with the Louvre in France.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @kiwi, thank you!
From The Archives: 12-Year-Old’s Christmas List Demonstrates Heartbreaking Awareness Of Family’s Financial Predicament
https://theonion.com/12-year-old-s-christmas-list-demonstrates-heartbreaking-1819577264/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: BREAKING: ███████████ █████ █████████ █████████
This special report was written and suggested by @kiwi, thank you!
Ho, Ho, Ho! I’m Regrowing My Foreskin!
https://theonion.com/ho-ho-ho-im-regrowing-my-foreskin-2/
https://theonion.com/ho-ho-ho-im-regrowing-my-foreskin/
By The Wasted Onion: President Kiwi Announces ‘The Wasting Games’ Where Competitors Attempt To Waste As Much Money As Possible
THE INTERNET—Explaining the “massive opportunity” he is offering to the nation Sunday, wasteof President Kiwi has announced a live television competition titled “The Wasting Games” in which participants compete to waste the most amount of money. “My fellow wasteof users, I am overjoyed to share with you today my administrations greatest idea yet, The Wasting Games! In this upcoming competition, we will pit a selection of you against each other to waste the most amount of money you possibly can. The one who wastes the most money will get to stay in our wonderful nation, the loser however, well, they go to the hole,” said the president during an address to the nation, his eyes rolling into the back of his skull when referring to “the hole” with a demonic voice. “Now I know what some of you will be thinking, ‘this sounds all very dystopian, like something George Orwell would concoct’ or ‘an episode of Black Mirror that never got greenlit for being too depressing.’ But I can assure you, it will be like, super duper cool guys, I promise you won’t feel like you’re one step away from having to volunteer as tribute. You’ll just go into severe, crippling debt that will ruin your future forever.” In reaction to the announcement, owner of wasteof Jeffalo was found running to the nearest Tim Hortons to avoid being selected for the television program. At press time, the inaugural season of The Wasting Games had begun with one contestant who purchased a X/Twitter Premium subscription being out-wasted by another competitor who purchased a Tesla Cybertruck.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @owl, thank you!
From The Archives: Ho, Ho, Ho! I Started Dating Mrs. Claus When She Was 14!
https://theonion.com/ho-ho-ho-i-started-dating-mrs-claus-when-she-was-14-1851114937/
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sUbE66yH1gE
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: DOJ Renames Epstein Files To Bill Clinton Files
