Welcome to the official page of The Wasted Onion, The Only News Source. We post the most important and trustworthy journalism that shines light in the dark halls of power and asks the tough questions. They say “Democracy Dies in Darkness,” we say “Hey, We’ll Totally Trade You This Democracy That’s Collecting Dust in Our Attic for a $100 Amazon Gift Card.”
Find more kick-ass journalism at our website: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/
The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
ICYMI By The Wasted Onion: U.S. Orders 5,000 Troops To Pull Out Of Germans
BERLIN, GERMANY—In an escalation of a spat between German Chancellor Friedrich Merz and U.S. President Donald Trump regarding the ongoing Iran war, the Pentagon announced Monday that it has ordered 5,000 troops to pull out of Germans.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/us-orders-5000-troops-to-pull-out-of-germans/
ICYMI: Trump Decries Lack Of Space To Host Parties Inside MRI Machine
https://theonion.com/trump-decries-lack-of-space-to-host-parties-inside-mri-machine/
By The Wasted Onion: Study: 95% Of Documents Written On Google Docs Are Allegations Against Minor Internet Celebrities
MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Sharing their findings with journalists nearby the tech giants headquarters Friday, researchers have found in an extensive study that 95% of all documents written with Google Docs are allegations against minor internet celebrities.
Pit Bull Makes Throat-Slitting Gesture While Owner Not Looking
https://theonion.com/pit-bull-makes-throat-slitting-gesture-while-owner-not-looking/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Man Asks Gemini To Double-Check ChatGPT Answer
https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/special/man-asks-gemini-to-double-check-chatgpt-answer/
Listerine Leaves 0.1% Of Germs Alive To Spread Message Of Terror Throughout Microbial Community
By The Wasted Onion: Tony Blair Says Labour Must Start Fighting Endless Wars In Middle East Again
CITY OF LONDON, ENGLAND—In a highly unusual intervention Wednesday, former British Prime Minister Sir Tony Blair said in a 5,700-word essay that the Labour Party must start fighting endless wars in the Middle East again to win the next general election.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/tony-blair-says-labour-must-start-fighting-endless-wars-in-middle-east-again/
Trump Boasts Annual Physical Turned Up No Signs Of Pedophilia
https://theonion.com/trump-boasts-annual-physical-turned-up-no-signs-of-pedophilia/
By The Wasted Onion: AI Industry Amazes Investors At How Fast It Enshittifying Itself
WALL STREET, NY—Following many popular AI chatbots such as OpenAI's ChatGPT, Google's Gemini, and Anthropic's Claude implementing rate or token limits, advertising, and other measures to restrict how much users on free plans can use their models, investors were amazed Tuesday at how fast the AI industry has been able to enshittify itself.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/ai-industry-amazes-investors-at-how-fast-it-enshittifying-itself/
H&R Block Location Mistaken For ‘Backrooms’ Fan Event
https://theonion.com/hr-block-location-mistaken-for-backrooms-fan-event/
By The Wasted Onion: Trump Found Intentionally Delaying GTA VI
EDINBURGH, SCOTLAND—Shocking the industry and resulting in outrage across the world, Rockstar Games admitted Monday that U.S. President Donald Trump had intentionally ordered the video game publisher to delay Grand Theft Auto VI.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/trump-found-intentionally-delaying-gta-vi/
This stories headline was written and suggested by @owl, thank you!
Nation’s Simple-Minded Bumpkins Announce They Don’t Mean No Harm To Nobody
https://theonion.com/nations-simple-minded-bumpkins-announce-they-dont-mean-no-harm-to-nobody/
By The Wasted Onion: Shocking: Christian Mother Discovers Not All Internet Slang Has Hidden Sexual Meaning
MONTGOMERY, AL—Left in complete astonishment as it dawned on her how modern language and dialect has more nuance than she was aware of, local Christian mother Victoria Bates was shocked to discover Sunday that not all internet slang has a hidden sexual meaning.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @awestruckrevival, thank you!
From The Archives: U.S. Reaches Trade Deal With Pedotopia
https://theonion.com/u-s-reaches-trade-deal-with-pedotopia/
The Wasted Onion Magazine: What Are The Lessons Democrats Should Refuse To Learn From Zohran Mamdani’s Administration?
