Welcome to the official page of The Wasted Onion, The Only News Source. We post the most important and trustworthy journalism that shines light in the dark halls of power and asks the tough questions. They say “Democracy Dies in Darkness”, we say “Hey, We’ll Totally Trade You This Democracy That’s Collecting Dust in Our Attic for a $100 Amazon Gift Card”.
The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
U.S. Military Bans Men With Girl Names From Participating In Combat
https://theonion.com/u-s-military-bans-men-with-girl-names-from-participating-in-combat/
By The Wasted Onion: Leaks Wasteof Account Reveals Identity, Turns Out To Be Human Being
THE INTERNET—In a turn of events that has left the social media site in shock, wasteof account @leaks revealed their identity Monday, turning out to be a human being. “Having been the premier place on wasteof for the latest leaks from my trusted source, I felt now was the time to reveal my identity as a human being, made of flesh, bones, blood, and a heck of a lot of water with a side of human excrement,” said a post from the account in part, along with a picture of the leakers appearance, which has been confirmed by experts to be legitimate, ending conspiracy theories of the owner being a skin-walker. “You’re telling me that they aren’t a faceless grey person who’s head floats above their torso?” posted user @mrowlsss in reaction to the reveal. “WAIT THEY’RE NOT A FUCKING DRAGON?!” posted another frustrated user known as @mef. At press time, reports suggested owner of wasteof Jeffalo held an emergency meeting with the site’s moderation team, instituting a state of emergency on the site with a post from Jeffalo declaring “the end times are upon us, leaks is an actual human, may God have mercy.” Replying to the post, @leaks claimed the state of emergency would “not force IKEA to abandon their furniture business and become a pawn shop,” claiming they received the information from their trusted source.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @kiwi, thank you!
ICYMI: Mother Extremists Hijack Airwaves To Broadcast Photos Of Their Children
https://theonion.com/mother-extremists-hijack-airwaves-to-broadcast-photos-of-their-children-2/
ICYMI: Man Can’t Believe He Has To Download Stupid App Just To Bribe President
https://theonion.com/man-cant-believe-he-has-to-download-stupid-app-just-to-bribe-president/
New Indiana Law Requires All Porn Viewers To Register As Sex Offenders
https://theonion.com/new-indiana-law-requires-all-porn-viewers-to-register-as-sex-offenders/
By The Wasted Onion: Keir Starmer Shocks Nation By Announcing A Policy That Farage Didn’t Ask For
LONDON—Addressing the press outside 10 Downing Street, British Prime Minister Sir Keir Starmer shocked Britons Friday by announcing a policy that Reform UK leader Nigel Farage hasn’t asked for. “Today this government is announcing a bold new policy that will deliver growth to the British economy and to the best of our knowledge hasn’t been asked for by Nigel Farage,” said the PM while attempting to express a human emotion for the first time in his life, according to reports from Labour insiders who spoke to The Wasted Onion’s sewer goblins based at the River Thames. “To be honest I didn’t think he was capable of having an original thought at this point,” said Aaron McKinnie, a 44-year-old town crier, pisser, and shitter from Chester. “I voted for him for his distinct lack of personality, which would allow a populist twat to essentially be the real leader while he stood there and looked anything but pretty.” At press time, Nigel Farage said he was furious that No. 10 had decided to implement an idea that he hadn’t suggested, going on to claim the government was displaying “disgusting abilities to think for itself,” while leader of the Conservative party and opposition Kemi Badenoch said “oh fuck, I forgot I was the leader of the Tories,” before rushing to the nearest walk in freezer.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!
Trump Grants Refugee Status To Former SS Guards
https://theonion.com/trump-grants-refugee-status-to-former-ss-guards/
By The Wasted Onion: Warner Bros. Discovery Renames Max To HBO Max Go Now Prime Plus Premium Flix Tube
You Can’t Even Watch A Movie Anymore Without Seeing Some Theme Explored
https://theonion.com/you-cant-even-watch-a-movie-anymore-without-seeing-some-theme-explored/
By The Wasted Onion: News From The Future: “Trump Dies From Natural Causes Orchestrated By Woke Left”
PALM BEACH, FL—In a moment that has left the MAGA movement reeling, the 45th and 47th President as well as King of the United States of America, Canada and Greenland Donald Trump has died of natural causes orchestrated by the woke left at the age of 90. “It is with great regret that we announce our lord and saviour King Donald Trump peacefully passed away in the early hours of Tuesday after the woke mob dastardly choreographed our King’s totally natural demise,” said a statement from the White House sponsored by Qatar Airlines in part. “The lunatic left has shown once again their true motive; tearing down our glorious King’s 12-year reign by planning on bringing forth our handsome leaders completely natural ceasing of existence due to old age and one too many Big Macs.” The statement continued, vowing that the White House sponsored by Qatar Airlines would destroy the woke mind virus to honour the memory of the late King as well as a state funeral where a planned 10 million migrants being held in an El Salvadorian prison would be executed in memory of Trump. Hours after the announcement, the White House sponsored by Qatar Airlines was preparing a conclave to elect the nation’s next leader, with current frontrunners being Prince Kid Rock, RFK Jr.’s brain worm, Canada Governor X Æ A-12, and Grok.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!
Sean Combs Asks For Quick Trial So He Can Get To Part Where Trump Pardons Him
https://theonion.com/sean-combs-asks-for-quick-trial-so-he-can-get-to-part-where-trump-pardons-him/
Trump Administration Offers Free At-Home Loyalty Tests
https://theonion.com/trump-administration-offers-free-at-home-loyalty-tests/
ICYMI: Dad Impressed By How Easily New Lawn Mower Tore Through Son’s Leg
https://theonion.com/dad-impressed-by-how-easily-new-lawn-mower-tore-through-sons-leg/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Earth Appoints Wasted Onion Owner Clef Bozos As CEO In Sale To The Wasted Company
GLASGOW, SCOTLAND—Explaining that the multibillion-dollar purchase was a strategic and sound business decision, Wasted Onion parent company The Wasted Company confirmed Sunday that it had acquired Earth, with Clef Bozos becoming the planet’s new CEO. “We are thrilled to announce that Earths board of directors have approved The Wasted Company’s bid to acquire their rapidly warming business,” said the business magnate at a press conference outside The Wasted Company’s Glasgow manual labour camp. “We here at The Wasted Company and its subsidiaries like The Wasted Onion, Fyre Festival and Theranos have always been committed to the destruction of everything that is good in this mortal plane, and we are delighted to be able to extend this ethos to Earth.” Mr. Bozos announced that Wasted Company staffers had already begun immediate layoffs by slitting the throats of workers and throwing them in a ditch as well as replacing the social media manager of the @EarthDevs wasteof account with an AI that according to reports had replied to several users to “stop hogging all the goddamn oxygen.” Bozos concluded the media event by reassuring that The Wasted Onion would remain fiercely under his authoritarian-like thumb in its reporting of his acquisition of Earth.
We are proud to announce that Earth© has a new CEO, who has provided the company with funding to continue the simulation well into the future! 
As well as providing the money to keep you all alive, our new CEO is also making the company more self sustainable. Think of it as going from a big study to a new company.
These changes include (but are not limited to) new advertisements in the game from the real world, downsizing of the company to be more resource efficient, and more that are all covered in our new terms of service which you have automatically agreed to.
Sadly, this means that I, the account manager, have been let go of to continue the adventure of life elsewhere, but fear not! The Company is actively working on a new replacement.
Happy travels, Earthlings 
