Welcome to the official page of The Wasted Onion, The Only News Source. We post the most important and trustworthy journalism that shines light in the dark halls of power and asks the tough questions. They say “Democracy Dies in Darkness,” we say “Hey, We’ll Totally Trade You This Democracy That’s Collecting Dust in Our Attic for a $100 Amazon Gift Card.”
The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
Ho, Ho, Ho! I’m Regrowing My Foreskin!
https://theonion.com/ho-ho-ho-im-regrowing-my-foreskin-2/
https://theonion.com/ho-ho-ho-im-regrowing-my-foreskin/
By The Wasted Onion: President Kiwi Announces ‘The Wasting Games’ Where Competitors Attempt To Waste As Much Money As Possible
THE INTERNET—Explaining the “massive opportunity” he is offering to the nation Sunday, wasteof President Kiwi has announced a live television competition titled “The Wasting Games” in which participants compete to waste the most amount of money. “My fellow wasteof users, I am overjoyed to share with you today my administrations greatest idea yet, The Wasting Games! In this upcoming competition, we will pit a selection of you against each other to waste the most amount of money you possibly can. The one who wastes the most money will get to stay in our wonderful nation, the loser however, well, they go to the hole,” said the president during an address to the nation, his eyes rolling into the back of his skull when referring to “the hole” with a demonic voice. “Now I know what some of you will be thinking, ‘this sounds all very dystopian, like something George Orwell would concoct’ or ‘an episode of Black Mirror that never got greenlit for being too depressing.’ But I can assure you, it will be like, super duper cool guys, I promise you won’t feel like you’re one step away from having to volunteer as tribute. You’ll just go into severe, crippling debt that will ruin your future forever.” In reaction to the announcement, owner of wasteof Jeffalo was found running to the nearest Tim Hortons to avoid being selected for the television program. At press time, the inaugural season of The Wasting Games had begun with one contestant who purchased a X/Twitter Premium subscription being out-wasted by another competitor who purchased a Tesla Cybertruck.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @owl, thank you!
From The Archives: Ho, Ho, Ho! I Started Dating Mrs. Claus When She Was 14!
https://theonion.com/ho-ho-ho-i-started-dating-mrs-claus-when-she-was-14-1851114937/
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sUbE66yH1gE
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: DOJ Renames Epstein Files To Bill Clinton Files
From The Archives: CIA Realizes It’s Been Using Black Highlighters All These Years
https://theonion.com/cia-realizes-its-been-using-black-highlighters-all-thes-1819568147/
The Wasted Onion Magazine: We Didn’t Ask Karoline Leavitt To Stand This Close To The Camera, She Just Did That
Student Who’s Been In 3 School Shootings Starting To Think This Might Be About Him
By The Wasted Onion: President Kiwi Admits In New Memoir That ‘Growing Up, People Kept Asking Me If I Lived In New Zealand For Some Reason’
THE INTERNET—Reflecting on his childhood in the newly released tell-all memoir, wasteof President Kiwi admitted that people have frequently inquired if he lived in New Zealand. “Growing up, people kept asking me if I lived in New Zealand for some reason. All through my adolescence I’ve very often been asked this for what is seemingly no reason at all. I tried asking close friends, family, colleagues, fellow students and even the homeless guy behind the dollar store why everyone thought I am from New Zealand. People online were no different, constantly inquiring if it’s ‘weird to live in a country that isn’t on the map,’ which most certainly baffled me beyond belief,” read a passage from the president’s new “Wasting Away” memoir. “Beyond that, people throughout my life would also referred to me as a ‘geek’ and even on occasion ‘mini.’ Trying to ask about this was even more fruitless, with zero reasons given that would satisfy my endless quest to understand these labels placed on me. If I hadn’t known any better, it was like I had created some sort of online profile that referred to me as a ‘mini kiwi geek,’ which would’ve been quite an odd thing for me to do.” Kiwi’s memoir also details his thoughts and memories from dying and being resurrected multiple times while stranded on a desert island, as well as having to be around other wasteof users for more than 10 seconds. In a 6/7 star review for The Wasted Onion, book reviewer Daniel McBadread said that the memoir was a “fantastic payday thanks to the Crack House handing us a fat stack of wonga to review this bullshit, thanks idiots!”
This stories headline was written and suggested by @kiwi, thank you!
Trump Assures Struggling Nation He Has Plenty Of Money
https://theonion.com/trump-assures-struggling-nation-he-has-plenty-of-money/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Scratch Foundation Adds New ‘Kid Approved’ White Wine To Online Store
Campbell’s Unveils New Line Of Self-Defense Soups
https://theonion.com/campbells-unveils-new-line-of-self-defense-soups/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Trump Post Claims Bondi Beach Shooting Victims Suffered From ‘Trump Derangement Syndrome’
Report: Electric Guitar Means This Likely Not Your Mother’s ‘Jingle Bells’
https://theonion.com/report-electric-guitar-means-this-likely-not-your-mothers-jingle-bells/
‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens
https://theonion.com/no-way-to-prevent-this-says-only-nation-where-this-regularly-happens-3/
By The Wasted Onion: Marco Rubio Orders State Department To Replace Calibri Font With Wingdings
WASHINGTON—Insisting that the Biden-era directive was “wasteful” and “embarrassing,” Secretary of State Marco Rubio has ordered the State Department replace the Calibri typeface with Wingdings in all official paperwork. “I am determined to root out woke DEI wherever it hides. With this in mind, I have officially ordered the State Department to use Wingdings in all official documentation, effective immediately. Switching to Calibri achieved nothing except the degradation of the department's correspondence. This change to Wingdings ensures we display the very best of America in everything we do by refusing to use words and instead communicating only in simple symbols like cavemen,” said Rubio while fumbling his words trying to read the TelePrompter written in the Wingdings typeface. “🕈︎︎♏︎︎ 🙵■︎︎□︎︎⬥︎︎ ⧫︎︎♒︎︎♏︎︎ ●︎︎♓︎︎♌︎︎♏︎︎❒︎︎♋︎︎●︎︎ ❍︎︎♋︎︎♓︎︎■︎︎⬧︎︎⧫︎︎❒︎︎♏︎︎♋︎︎❍︎︎ ❍︎︎♏︎︎♎︎︎♓︎︎♋︎︎ ⬥︎︎♓︎︎●︎︎●︎︎ ❍︎︎□︎︎♍︎︎🙵 ⧫︎︎♒︎︎♏︎︎ 
︎︎⧫︎︎♋︎︎⧫︎︎♏︎︎ 
︎︎♏︎︎◻︎︎♋︎︎❒︎︎⧫︎︎❍︎︎♏︎︎■︎︎⧫︎︎ ♐︎︎□︎︎❒︎︎ ⧫︎︎♒︎︎♓︎︎⬧︎︎ ♍︎︎♒︎︎♋︎︎■︎︎♑︎︎♏︎︎
︎︎ ⧫︎︎♒︎︎♏︎︎⍓︎︎ॐ︎︎●︎︎●︎︎ ⬧︎︎♋︎︎⍓︎︎ ♓︎︎⧫︎︎⬧︎︎ ‘♌︎︎♋︎︎♎︎︎ ♐︎︎□︎︎❒︎︎ ♋︎︎♍︎︎♍︎︎♏︎︎⬧︎︎⬧︎︎♓︎︎♌︎︎♓︎︎●︎︎♓︎︎⧫︎︎⍓︎︎
︎︎’ 
︎︎◆︎︎⧫︎︎ ⬥︎︎♏︎︎ ♎︎︎□︎︎ ■︎︎□︎︎⧫︎︎ ♍︎︎♋︎︎❒︎︎♏︎︎︎︎ ♐︎︎◆︎︎♍︎︎🙵 ⧫︎︎♒︎︎♏︎︎ ❖︎︎♓︎︎⬧︎︎◆︎︎♋︎︎●︎︎●︎︎⍓︎︎ ♓︎︎❍︎︎◻︎︎♋︎︎♓︎︎❒︎︎♏︎︎♎︎︎,” said the State Department in a official press release following media criticism. Following the order, type designers around the world were heard nerding out about fonts even louder than normal, and experts expect the insistent blabbering about serifs and sans-serifs for another week, advising the public to purchase earplugs to drown out the dorks. At press time, the State Department headquarters exploded following a communication in Wingdings that was misinterpreted by a technician as instructing him to press the “blow the whole darn building up” button.
