Welcome to the official page of The Wasted Onion, The Only News Source. We post the most important and trustworthy journalism that shines light in the dark halls of power and asks the tough questions. They say “Democracy Dies in Darkness,” we say “Hey, We’ll Totally Trade You This Democracy That’s Collecting Dust in Our Attic for a $100 Amazon Gift Card.”
The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
Study: Practicing Kung Fu Naked In Mirror Best Indicator Of Being Domestic Terrorist
The Wasted Onion Magazine: ‘If At First You Don’t Succeed, Do The Same Shit Again Until You Go Mad’: Kamala Harris On Running For President Again In 2028
ICYMI: White House Maid Shrieks After Spotting Melania On Ceiling
https://theonion.com/white-house-maid-shrieks-after-spotting-melania-on-ceiling/
By The Wasted Onion: Cuomo To Establish Government On Staten Island With Goal Of Reclaiming New York City
STATEN ISLAND, NY—Picking himself up after losing the New York City mayoral election to Zohran Mamdani, former New York Governor Andrew Cuomo says he plans to establish a government on Staten Island with the eventual goal to reclaim New York City. “The mainland of New York City has fallen to the socialist extremist Zohran Mamdani. I have rapidly made my escape and fled to Staten Island for refuge. However, I am undeterred. Today, I am announcing that I will establish a new government on Staten Island, free of communist and socialist tyrants. In time we will begin the challenge of reclaiming New York City from socialist rule and restore the city to its former glory," said Cuomo before also adding that he planned to rename Staten Island to Cuomostan. “It seems Andrew Cuomo has not gotten the message from New Yorkers. So I will reiterate it - you are not wanted here, New York has rejected your policies and wish that would respect that decision as we enter the transition period. To reassure everyone who calls this city home; I promise to purge and root out the Cuomintang here on the New York mainland, nor will I allow Cuomostan to invade and overthrow our democratically elected administration,” said Mayor-elect Zohran Mamdani in a statement. Soon after Cuomo announced his plans to form Cuomostan, New York Mayor Eric Adams was heard yelling “Adamsland here I come!” before beginning to swim from Fort Hamilton towards Staten Island. At press time, Cuomo started to lay out his policies for a new government on Staten Island, such as a law that legalised sexual harassment and sexual assault.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @juniperrr, thank you!
ICYMI: Trump Writes Netanyahu Strongly Worded Check
https://theonion.com/trump-writes-netanyahu-strongly-worded-check/
By The Wasted Onion: Trump Signs Executive Order Prohibiting Deportation Of ‘Big Booty Latinos’
WASHINGTON—Claiming that it was “beautiful” as he scribbled his signature onto the document in the Oval Office, U.S. President Donald Trump signed an executive order Friday to prohibit further deportations of “big booty latinos” by ICE. “These illegal aliens are invading our neighbourhoods, eating our pets, killing your neighbours, taking your jobs, fucking your wives behind your backs, it's true, many people are saying it. We’re going to deport the lot, each single illegal will be sent home. However, those gorgeous latinos with big dumptruck asses get to stay, I like them very much,” said the president as he salivated onto his desk. “I’m thinking about it now, all those beautiful big booty latino ladies, it’s what I think about a lot really. It’s great that they will now get to stay, so I can keep looking at their big bubbly booties. Those losers in the Democrat party would never appreciate latinos with big butts like I do. I’m well known as the president for bigger butts.” According to the executive order, latino immigrants will have the size of their buttocks inspected by the president to determine if they can be considered a “big booty latino” and be immune from deportation. At press time, Democrats criticised the president and the executive order, claiming that those with big booties of other ethnicities should be included and safe from deportation, appealing to Trump by claiming that “a great president gawks and gropes the big butts of any and all kinds of identities, not just those of latinos.”
This stories headline was written and suggested by @owl, thank you!
‘Shut Up, Mother! Shut Up!’ Pleads George W. Bush To Dick Cheney Skeleton Dressed In Suit
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Poll Shows That 37% Of Americans Still Think Obama Is Causing All Their Problems
This special report was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!
I Bet Pedro Pascal Hates Parasocial Relationships
https://theonion.com/i-bet-pedro-pascal-hates-parasocial-relationships/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Zohran Mamdani Wins U.S. Presidential Election
Trump Imposes 25% Tariff On Chinese-Made Trump Products
https://theonion.com/trump-imposes-25-tariff-on-chinese-made-trump-products/
Soot-Covered Prince Andrew Begging On Street For Child To Molest
https://theonion.com/soot-covered-prince-andrew-begging-on-street-for-child-to-molest/
The Wasted Onion Editorial Board would like readers to know that this post was made on 4 November 2025 and that any statements to the contrary will result in you being killed with hammers.
Mike Johnson: ‘My Christian Faith Is More About Not Jacking Off Than Feeding The Poor’
By The Wasted Onion: @IKilledTallPeter420 Planned To Build More Time Machines To Kill TallPeter 419 More Times, Says Kiwi-Late Administration
THE INTERNET—Showing the brazen nature of the convict now in custody, officials for the Kiwi-Late Administration said Sunday that wasteof user IKilledTallPeter420 planned to build more time machines so they could kill TallPeter 419 more times. “After various interviews with the convict and of course many unnecessary torture sessions where we subjected them to Japanese water torture, bloodletting and the entire Benson Boone discography, IKilledTallPeter420 admitted they were planning to construct more time machines so they could murder TallPeter 419 more times like the sick and unfunny fuck they are,” said Attorney General Esben during an interview outside Tim Hortons with The Wasted Onion’s Tame Impala, who is one person. “Not just is IKilledTallPeter420 one of wasteof’s most dangerous criminals in history, they were planning so many more nefarious crimes to add to their already long list of convictions, such as making fun of Auriali for using the colour pink and telling ILoveTimHortons that Tim Hortons sucks.” Esben went on to clarify that such acts can potentially lead to the death penalty, warning citizens that they should “be very careful of what they do or else they’ll lose a good few limbs” if they were to commit such criminal acts. At press time, President Kiwi said in a statement outside the Crack House that IKilledTallPeter420 was “as sick as they come. They didn’t even think that it would’ve been much funnier to have planned to kill TallPeter another 66 times instead of 419 times.”
This stories headline was written and suggested by @kiwi, thank you!
ICYMI: Black Homeowners Receive Higher Appraisal After Displaying Pictures Of Klan Members
