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The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
Trump Asks Nicki Minaj To Explain Eating Ass
https://theonion.com/trump-asks-nicki-minaj-to-explain-eating-ass/
ICE Agent Stuffs Sock Under Mask To Give Himself Chin
https://theonion.com/ice-agent-stuffs-sock-under-mask-to-give-himself-chin/
By The Wasted Onion: Labour NEC Still Trying To Think Of Derogatory Nickname For Andy Burnham
GREATER MANCHESTER, ENGLAND—Following their decision to block Mayor of Greater Manchester Andy Burnham from ending his mayoral term early to run as a candidate in the upcoming Gorton and Denton by-election, the National Executive Committee of the Labour Party has said it is still trying to think of a derogatory nickname for Mr. Burnham. "Here at the National Executive Committee, we're busy providing strategic direction to the Labour Party. Our work is vital, such as the work we're doing right now thinking of insulting names for Andy Burnham," said NEC Chair Shabana Mahmood while looking visibly exhausted from the busy meeting where NEC members were workshopping belittling names for Burnham. "We've got a few frontrunners at the moment. Such as Achy Buttham, Nasty Heartburnham, Hanky Panky Pornham, Namby-Pamby Tax Returnham, Pantie Tornham and some others I can't remember off the top of my head." That evening, Labour leadership reassured party members that the NEC would not rest until it found a suitably childish playground insult to brand the Greater Manchester mayor with. At press time, a group of MPs sent a letter to British Prime Minister Sir Keir Starmer, warning that blocking Burnham from running in the by-election would damage Starmer's standing with party members, to which Starmer reminded MPs that he gets off on being despised.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!
By The Wasted Onion: Continuing Journey To Watch Every Movie Ever Made, Eris Rates Third Movie 10/10
THE INTERNET—Excitedly continuing their pursuit to watch every movie ever made since the invention of cinema itself, wasteof user @Eris rated "Accordion Player," the third movie ever made, 10/10. "just finished the 3rd movie ever made 10/10 i love movies," said a wasteof post by Eris reviewing the silent film directed in 1888 by Louis Le Prince, depicting his son, Adolphe Le Prince, playing the accordion for the entirety of the films 10 seconds of runtime. "Its just crazy, I mean, I have zero clue what he is playing since the thing is silent, but I bet its like Never Gonna Give You Up by Rick Astley or something. Plus, this was like over double the length of the last 2 movies I've watched, which were both 3 seconds. Can't wait to see if the fourth movie ever made is longer! Maybe a whole 12 seconds?" said Eris during a telephone interview with The Wasted Onion's entertainment editor Kevin Spacey. After viewing the fourth movie ever made, “Monkeyshines No.1 and 2,” directed by William K. L. Dickson and William Heise in 1889, Eris expressed delight that both shorts together comprised 57 seconds of runtime. At press time, Eris was distraught to learn that newer movies would require subscriptions to streaming services to view them, rather than using the Internet Archive or Wikipedia.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @kiwi and @stareye, thank you!
Police Ask For Public’s Help In Falsifying Report
https://theonion.com/police-ask-for-publics-help-in-falsifying-report/
By The Wasted Onion: Joe Biden Sneaks Back Into White House Under ‘Job Iden’ Pseudonym
WASHINGTON—In a elaborate scheme to reclaim the presidency for himself, former U.S. President Joe Biden snuck back into the White House Monday using a disguise and "Job Iden" pseudonym. "Hello Mr. President! I am Job Iden. Now my friend, I'm here on some very important business that I believe a skilled businessman like yourself will find of utmost interest! I hope I can interest you in brain-enhancement supplements? I know you're already a clever clogs, but trust me my friend, this lovely little pill can make that big beautiful brain of yours even bigger!" said Joe Biden while wearing a disguise consisting of a big moustache and top hat. "I like this guy, very smart. I'd say he's almost the smartest man I've met if I hadn't met myself! And I do have amazing brain health - reportedly the best health of any president in history - its true, that's what they say, the doctors, who give me MRI's all the time. You want to know why? It's because they're trying to figure out what makes me so healthy - ‘oh please, Mr. President, how are you so fit and healthy? We don't understand Mr. Trump’ - that's what the doctors say. So yes, Mr. Job, I'd like some of your brian [sic] pills," said President Trump moments before Biden’s fake moustache fell off due to the adhesive failing, to which Vice President JD Vance reportedly screamed "wait a minute, that's Joe Biden!" in a high pitched girly voice. According to inside sources, Biden said "Oh well, gotta run, see ya later, jack!" before making his escape while Trump administration aides shook their heads at the embarrassing incident. "That was a close call, Mr. President," said the newest aide according to reports, which was actually just former Vice President Kamala Harris wearing a big cartoon wig.
This stories concept was adapted from a Tumblr post suggested by @awestruckrevival, thank you!
God Informs Humanity Choking People Meant To Die
https://theonion.com/god-informs-humanity-choking-people-meant-to-die/
By The Wasted Onion: ICE Says Minneapolis Man Wouldn't Have Been Shot Dead If He Just Simply Wasn't Born
MINNEAPOLIS, MN—In the aftermath of a second fatal shooting by the hand of an Immigration and Customs Enforcement agent, this time of 37-year-old Minneapolis resident and U.S. citizen Alex Pretti, sparking renewed outrage and huge protests across the nation, ICE has issued a statement saying that Mr. Pretti would not have been shot if he simply was just never born. "The man now identified as the domestic terrorist and leftist agitator Alex Pretti would never have gotten himself shot by our patriotic and heroic agents if he simply just were never born in the first place," said Border Patrol Commander Gregory Bovino while sporting a fake moustache that resembled that of Adolf Hitler. "It is very simple, as long as you are never conceived, then you will not impede the federal governments operations across the nation to remove illegal aliens and keep Americans safe. However, if you are born, then tough luck hot shot, you're on the chopping block of our government sanctioned death squad full of untrained, braindead simpletons who value life so lowly that they legitimately think this is ‘Call of Duty’ in real life." In a press briefing following the incident, Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem said that Mr. Pretti, a ICU nurse at a Veterans Affairs hospital, was "the most horrific kind of evil. A person who tried to make the world a better place," before proceeding to laugh manically as her eyes turned red. At press time, Democrats warned ICE and Trump administration officials it would be handing them a "strongly worded" letter that demands ICE to pinkie-promise to kill people a little less frequently.
Via ClickHole: Innovation FTW! American Standard Toilets Will Now Come With A Third Flush Button Option For Flushing Yourself Down The Toilet
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: New Clause In Updated Scratch Terms Of Service Says Scratch Team Has Full Rights To Your Soul
ICYMI: Nation Yearns For Relative Calm Of ‘President A Giant Pedophile’ News Cycle
https://theonion.com/nation-yearns-for-relative-calm-of-president-a-giant-pedophile-news-cycle/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Trump Confuses Greenland For Iceland, Finland, Ireland, Northern Ireland, Switzerland, Poland, Scotland, Netherlands, Thailand, England, New Zealand In Single Sentence
Trump Boys Put Nobel Peace Prize In Microwave
https://theonion.com/trump-boys-put-nobel-peace-prize-in-microwave/
By The Wasted Onion: Trump Announces Engagement To Mark Carney With Wedding To Be Held In Upcoming Trump Land Theme Park
WASHINGTON—Sharing the bombshell news to his social media platform Thursday, U.S. President Donald Trump has announced he is now engaged to Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney, adding that the wedding will be held at the presidents upcoming Trump Land theme park. "Based upon a very productive meeting that I have had with the Prime Minister of Canada, Mark Carney, we have formed the framework of a future marriage with an engagement, with the ceremony taking place at TRUMP LAND! This marriage, if consummated, will be a great one for the United States of America, and all NATO Nations. Based upon this understanding, I will not be imposing the Tariffs that were scheduled to go into effect on February 1st. Additional discussions are being held concerning who gets to wear the dress," said a portion of a lengthy post made by the president to his Truth Social account. "My friend, I would like to congratulate you on your engagement to the Canadian PM. Let us try to build great things : i can set up a meeting in Paris on friday afternoon. I can invite the ukrainians, the danish, the syrians and the russians so they can help arrange the wedding at trump land," read a text message sent by French President Emmanuel Macron to Trump which the latter posted onto social media. Trump administration officials signalled in multiple interviews on Fox News and various podcasts hosted by complete fuckwits that the marriage would signal the U.S. and Canada becoming a single nation. At press time, Carney responded to the news of the engagement with bafflement, stating "I didn't agree to this, and I would never marry Trump, just look at how miserable Melania is."
This stories headline was dreamt and suggested by @leblankr, thank you!
Democrats Condemn ICE For Murdering Without Proper Warrants
https://theonion.com/democrats-condemn-ice-for-murdering-without-proper-warrants/
