Welcome to the official page of The Wasted Onion, The Only News Source. We post the most important and trustworthy journalism that shines light in the dark halls of power and asks the tough questions. They say “Democracy Dies in Darkness”, we say “Hey, We’ll Totally Trade You This Democracy That’s Collecting Dust in Our Attic for a $100 Amazon Gift Card”.
The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
ICYMI: White House Downplays Trump Hand Bruise As Least Concerning Part Of Body
https://theonion.com/white-house-downplays-trump-hand-bruise-as-least-concerning-part-of-body/
Report: Your Naked Body Will Make Entire Morgue Laugh
https://theonion.com/report-your-naked-body-will-make-entire-morgue-laugh/
CDC Director Arrives At Office To Find Dead Deer With ‘Fired’ Carved Into It
https://theonion.com/cdc-director-arrives-at-office-to-find-dead-deer-with-fired-carved-into-it/
Mom Trying Something Called ‘The Serial Killer’s Diet’
https://theonion.com/mom-trying-something-called-the-serial-killers-diet/
By The Wasted Onion: Buzz Aldrin Claims The Moon Landing Was Faked
SATELLITE BEACH, FL—Sending shockwaves across the scientific community and the general public, former NASA astronaut Buzz Aldrin said Tuesday that the Moon landing was faked. “The smart people at NASA did some tests and discovered that the moon has no collision. They called up EarthDevs and arranged for us to be warped to a random flat plane somewhere when we couldn’t be seen in the sky. Oh yeah I should’ve mentioned that those NASA nerds have some wacky doohickeys that allow teleportation,” the pilot for the Apollo 11 mission said in a statement on Darflen. “This is not true, Mr. Aldrin is 95 years old and he probably has dementia, how could you believe him? Or to put it as the kids would say, he’s an old fucking bitch,” said NASA spokesperson Bethany Stevens in an official statement posted to Blaze. However, some disinformation experts worry that NASA’s attempt at debunking the unexpected statement from Mr. Aldrin would likely not succeed in swaying the public due to the fact that “not a single fucking person uses Blaze” according to experts who spoke with The Wasted Onion in a McDonald’s parking lot. At press time, Buzz Aldrin took to his Darflen account again to claim that the Moon is in fact made of cheese.
This story was written by @owl, thank you!
Taylor Swift Hints New Album Could Be About Her
https://theonion.com/taylor-swift-hints-new-album-could-be-about-her/
By The Wasted Onion: British Man Charged As Terrorist For Wearing Shirt With Letter ‘P’ On It
SWANSEA, WALES—Speaking to the press following a controversial arrest, South Wales Police confirmed Monday it has charged a British man under the Terrorism Act 2000 for wearing a shirt with a letter P on it. “We can confirm that a man from Swansea has been charged under the Terrorism Act 2000 for showing support for the proscribed terrorist group Palestine Action. We can also confirm that the suspect in question was wearing a shirt that could be seen as supporting a proscribed organisation to simple-minded dimwits, who are the most important people mainly due to the fact there are many said dimwits situated all over the nation, especially in the House of Commons. We would know, game recognises game,” said a spokesperson for South Wales Police. “My client is yet another case of the police and government going fucking apeshit over the mere thought of someone potentially expressing an opinion,” said the defendants lawyer in an interview inside a local Greggs. “My client was sitting in the very Greggs we are in right now, munching down on a sausage roll when a policeman screamed ‘terrorist!’ before he was wrangled to the ground with a taser pointed at his crotch. All because he was wearing a shirt with a P on it, which stands for penis for your information.” At press time, South Wales Police said it was unable to release a picture of the shirt in question to the public due to its internal file storage system requiring age verification to view the image, going on to confirm the force was looking into acquiring a copy of Death Stranding to get past the age verification checks.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!
JD Vance Asks National Guard Member If He Can Touch Gun
https://theonion.com/jd-vance-asks-national-guard-member-if-he-can-touch-gun/
From The Archives: Sleeping Man Flanked By Laptop, Phone, Earbuds Like Egyptian Pharaoh Buried With All His Treasures
https://theonion.com/sleeping-man-flanked-by-laptop-phone-earbuds-like-egy-1826074153/
ICYMI: Heroin Overdose Serves As Wake-Up Call To Keep Doing Heroin But Smarter
https://theonion.com/heroin-overdose-serves-as-wake-up-call-to-keep-doing-heroin-but-smarter/
Atrocities Keep Getting In Frame Of D.C. Tourist’s Shot
https://theonion.com/atrocities-keep-getting-in-frame-of-d-c-tourists-shot/
By The Wasted Onion: SCP Foundation Designates You, The Reader, As Latest Anomaly
[REDACTED], [DATA EXPUNGED]—Holding a private conference in its largest secret Foundation facilities, the SCP Foundation designated you, the reader, as the latest anomalous object brought into its containment. “Today foundation forces have brought in a new anomalous object which will be housed in a cell on Site 19 while we work on more permanent Special Containment Procedures. For now however, the entity must be fed 3 times a day and have plenty of water, which will be provided via a hatch from a distance. We’ve also observed that they may require socialisation, so we’ll send in some Class-D personnel that the entity can bore to death with whatever inane bullshit they want to yammer on about,” said Dr. Halle Garrett before assigning you the number SCP-8972. “My colleagues have gotten a brief understanding of SCP-8972’s anomalous properties, which have to do with the fact that they seem to unnaturally repulse anyone that they walk past, causing passersby in a 2 kilometre radius to vomit and feel strong disgust towards the anomaly. Interviews with the subject have shown they do not do this on purpose and that the reactions of people around them makes them very sad. There is currently no leads as to why SCP-8972 has this effect on others, although they are quite ugly.” Hours after the conference, Dr. Garrett classed you as a “safe” anomaly, which is a pretty lame class to be given, according to Foundation staff. At press time, you had breached containment and began to wreck havoc on Site 19, destroying vital equipment and systems that kept other anomalies contained, causing a mass containment breach that has currently resulted in the death of over ████ Foundation personnel.
New Law Requires 15% Of Cocaine Received By Child Actors Be Set Aside For Future
Book Character Straight Up Says She Hopes To Be Played By Nicole Kidman In Miniseries
By The Wasted Onion: UK Government Successfully Meets 2025 Target To Cut All Homeless People In Half
LONDON—Proudly announcing it has met one of its targets made in 2019 during Theresa May's premiership, the UK government has announced Wednesday that it has successfully cut all homeless people in half. “I am proud to tell the British public today that this government has met a promise made to you in 2019 during the Tories time in government to cut all homeless people in the country in half by this year. I can confirm to you now that we have done it, the homeless are all cut in half, their torsos gruesomely separated from their legs,” said Home Secretary Yvette Cooper in a video posted to her X/Twitter account. “This Labour government is dedicated to change and getting Britain back into a healthier state economically and socially. Cutting every single unhoused person in half will reduce strain on the NHS as well as send a message to you broke bastards that if you keep using a foodbank and can’t pay your rent on time which results in you living on the streets that we’ll cut you in half too.” Prime Minister Sir Keir Starmer later hailed the cutting of Britain's rough sleepers as “fantastic” and dreamily spoke of the “immense amount of blood, guts and body parts” that would have been flung around during the industrial sized operation of homeless-people-cutting. At press time, rumours emerged that No. 10 was considering a scheme in which it would cut anyone expressing support for the proscribed direct action group Palestine Action into tiny little cubes.
