Welcome to the official page of The Wasted Onion, The Only News Source. We post the most important and trustworthy journalism that shines light in the dark halls of power and asks the tough questions. They say “Democracy Dies in Darkness”, we say “Hey, We’ll Totally Trade You This Democracy That’s Collecting Dust in Our Attic for a $100 Amazon Gift Card”.
The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
ICYMI: Spray-Painted Penis Only Thing Holding Cybertruck Together
https://theonion.com/spray-painted-penis-only-thing-holding-cybertruck-together/
Pale Teenage Psychic Collapses With Nosebleed After Trying To Jerk Self Off With Power Of Mind
Pete Hegseth Blows Into Breathalyzer To Unlock Phone
https://theonion.com/pete-hegseth-blows-into-breathalyzer-to-unlock-phone/
Laid-Off 23andMe Employee Packs Up Box Full Of Bodily Fluids
https://theonion.com/laid-off-23andme-employee-packs-up-box-full-of-bodily-fluids/
Statement From Paul Woodman, Head Of Legal At The Wasted Onion: The Wasted Onion unequivocally denies @Esben’s accusations. We strongly oppose the baseless slander that The Wasted Onion’s 592,445 strong journalistic staff and emerald mine slaves are Chinese hackers, rather, they are North Korean hackers. Those hackers from China are morons compared to the technological wizardry that The Wasted Onion’s DPRK based script kiddies can do under the leadership of the great leader Kim Jong Un. We will fight to the bitter end in every court and underground fight club to be victorious in this legal battle. We ask that Esben please serve his notice of legal proceedings to The Wasted Onion’s legal department, based at Magtymguly Street, No. 12, Turkmenabat 745400, Turkmenistan, country of dear leader Serdar Berdimuhamedow (who most certainly was elected in a totally not rigged election) where it will be promptly handed over to our secretary, Mrs. Shredder. Since 1734, The Wasted Onion has been the world’s most trusted source for news. Now with a daily readership of 6.7 trillion, we are the world’s greatest and most influential organisation across all known galaxies. On top of our journalistic work, The Wasted Onion also operates 95.7% of the Earth’s uranium deposits and proudly rigs hundreds of local and state elections every year. We highlight this important work as we will not have this slanderous portrait of our journalism taint our stellar track record.
I am here to announce that I will be suing @wastedonion for leaking classified information. This is a severe threat to our nation, and wastedonion is clearly some sort of Chinese hacker, to get into our top secret government communication platforms the Department of Intelligent Secretive Communication Online Record Distribution, otherwise know as D. I. S. C. O. R. D. See you in court.
Hims Announces Erections Will Soon Feature Ads
https://theonion.com/hims-announces-erections-will-soon-feature-ads/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Secret Plot To Undermine Auriali’s Power Revealed After Wasted Onion Journalist Added To Discord Group Chat
WORLDWIDE—In a jaw dropping act of incompetence, a secret plot to weaken Auriali’s power was revealed after a journalist working for The Wasted Onion was added to a Discord group chat. On Monday evening, Timmy Harlow, editor-in-chief and child slave on a cocoa farm in Ghana at The Wasted Onion was added to a Discord group chat named “Auri small group” by @da-ta. It is believed that Mr. Harlow was added unintentionally, after da-ta replied “FUCK” when Mr. Harlow made himself known to the group chat. Other participants of the group chat included wasteof.money owner @Jeffalo, renowned shrimp enthusiast as well as Vice President @Perrin, and penguin @Esben. The messages broadly focus on a plot to interfere with @Auriali’s perceived growing power that has seen her rename the Universe to “Uwuniverse” and turn off automatic breathing features for humans, replacing it with a subscription service. In adherence to the highest journalistic standards and the dangers to national security if certain portions of the group chat were to be made public, The Wasted Onion has bravely decided to recklessly release the full text conversations without redactions.
Pope Francis Flips Off Crowd From Balcony
https://theonion.com/pope-francis-flips-off-crowd-from-balcony/
Via NewsThump: Donald Trump to shut down Depratment of Edducation
https://newsthump.com/2025/03/10/donald-trump-to-shut-down-depratment-of-edducation/
ICYMI: Experts Recommend Using Hunger As Egg Substitute
https://theonion.com/experts-recommend-using-hunger-as-egg-substitute/
Grimes Slaps ‘I Bought This Before Elon Went Crazy’ Sticker On Child
https://theonion.com/grimes-slaps-i-bought-this-before-elon-went-crazy-sticker-on-child/
By The Wasted Onion: Owner Of @Leaks Wasteof Account Interrogated By FBI After Leaking Of Nuclear Launch Codes
WASHINGTON—Following an international manhunt spanning three continents, sources confirmed Thursday that the owner of the @leaks wasteof account was interrogated by the FBI after leaking US nuclear launch codes. “I can confirm we have an individual in custody and are questioning them about their trusted source,” said FBI spokesperson James Wheller, who also attempted to quell concerns over the leak of launch codes that control the nations arsenal of 5,428 warheads. “We want to reassure the public that there is nothing to worry about. We are going to reset the codes once we remember our security question answer. We also promise not to reuse ‘pa$sWurd123’ this time.” In a written statement released Thursday evening, the owner of the @leaks wasteof account claimed that nuclear war “wouldn’t affect the Nintendo Wii’s expected release in November 2006,” according to their trusted source.
New Federal Law Mandates Women Talk With Baby Voice
https://theonion.com/new-federal-law-mandates-women-talk-with-baby-voice/
Report: You Could Just Lose An Arm One Day
https://theonion.com/report-you-could-just-lose-an-arm-one-day/
