Welcome to the official page of The Wasted Onion, The Only News Source. We post the most important and trustworthy journalism that shines light in the dark halls of power and asks the tough questions. They say “Democracy Dies in Darkness,” we say “Hey, We’ll Totally Trade You This Democracy That’s Collecting Dust in Our Attic for a $100 Amazon Gift Card.”
The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
Trump Defends Demolition Of Yggdrasil, Ancient Tree Of Life
https://theonion.com/trump-defends-demolition-of-yggdrasil-ancient-tree-of-life/
By The Wasted Onion: David Zaslav Gleefully Departs Warner Bros. Parking Lot For Last Time After President Kiwi Pays Him Skittles For Studio
BURBANK, CA—Signifying a massive shift in the American filmmaking industry, Warner Bros. Discovery CEO David Zaslav was seen gleefully departing the parking lot of Warner Bros. Studios Burbank after selling the filmmaking facility to wasteof President Kiwi for a bag of Skittles. “A bag of Skittles for a studio facility Warner Bros. has been using to create films for almost a century? Seems pretty fair. I can snack on these while deciding on what finished project I’m going to cancel next for a tax write off!” said the Warner Bros. Discovery CEO in a private conversation with President Kiwi, which was acquired by The Wasted Onion from a man who painted himself the same colour as the tarmac of the studio parking lot to record the conversation. “I am excited to announce that after a productive negotiation with David Zaslav, Warner Bros. have agreed to sell their Burbank studio to us for a tasty bag of Skittles! With this I am proud to announce we’re naming the studio facilities, wastof.studios, which will house the production and filming of ‘The Wasteof.money Movie’ and all of its subsequent spin-offs, such as a documentary about me in which I save the world from saving their money,” said the president in an address to the nation outside the Crack House. Rumours among Hollywood insiders indicated that Warner Bros. was eyeing up the new upcoming White House ballroom as a potential new studio location, with Mr. Zaslav claiming the business could acquire the space by paying U.S. President Trump “totally legal bribes.” At press time, David Zaslav has been arrested for murder outside his home after footage revealed that while snacking on the bag of Skittles he received from President Kiwi, he ran over a man painted like tarmac that recorded his conversation with the wasteof president.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @kiwi, thank you!
Via The Chaser: Epstein connection disqualifies Prince Andrew from royal titles, qualifies him for US Presidency
https://chaser.com.au/world/epstein-connection-disqualifies-prince-andrew/
ICYMI: Trump Touts Productive Call With Putin About Ballroom Sconces
https://theonion.com/trump-touts-productive-call-with-putin-about-ballroom-sconces/
Visibly Bruised Pete Hegseth Declares Wobbly Barstools Threat To National Security
By The Wasted Onion: All Hollywood Studios Shut Down After IShowSpeed Stream Gets 10/10 On IMDb
HOLLYWOOD, CA—Causing the entirety of the Hollywood film business to collapse overnight, every Hollywood studio has permanently shut down Thursday after a livestream by streamer IShowSpeed was rated 10/10 on IMDb. “Effective immediately I am shuttering the entirety of our operations permanently, we simply cannot compete with Mr. Speed and his ability to make every second of a 4-hour livestream meme material. We thought ‘A Minecraft Movie’ was full of memes, but this is a whole other level” said Warner Bros. Discovery CEO David Zaslav before mourning the fact he won’t be able to get anymore tax write-offs by shelving already finished projects. “It is with a heavy heart that we are going to have to close down. It was an honour to create so many memorable moments for people all over the world for over a century, and consolidate so much power that we essentially ran our own mini-state inside of Florida with our theme park. But Mickey Mouse simply cannot challenge the likes of IShowSpeed and his incredible ability to pull funny faces,” said Disney CEO Bob Iger in an investors call early Thursday morning before being stomped on by the Pixar lamp. In a joint statement, CEO’s of all the major Hollywood studios said they were devastated to have been robbed of the opportunity to capitulate to U.S. President Trump even more with further settlements and bribes. At press time, Vince Gilligan, co-creator of Better Call Saul and creator of Breaking Bad, which sits with the second highest rated episode on IMDb behind “EARLY STREAM!” by IShowSpeed, revealed that he was also the executive producer behind the famous livestream.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!
Shelter Dog Just Doesn’t Have That X Factor
https://theonion.com/shelter-dog-just-doesnt-have-that-x-factor/
By The Wasted Onion: EXCLUSIVE: The Wasted Onion Has Acquired Documents Part Of The TallPeter Files
THE INTERNET—Ever since the beginning of the Kiwi-Late Administration, the TallPeter files have been at the top of the public political discussion across wasteof, with citizens demanding their release since President Kiwi pledged to do so at the beginning of his term. Today The Wasted Onion can reveal it has obtained CIA documents that are part of the TallPeter files. The files, known by many as the TallPeter files, are a large trove of documents pertaining to the assassination of 2025 wasteof presidential candidate and tall as hell dude TallPeter, who was shot near one of The Wasted Onion’s over 1.5 trillion headquarters. According to information provided by @Leaks, the files are a collection of documents created by the previous Auriali-Perrin Administration and the current wasteof government that catalogue the initial investigation all the way up to the current administration's efforts to track down the suspect who fled the scene. The documents are believed to be reports, memorandums, evidence lists, dossiers, email correspondences and fun trivia cards about the history of the taco. The partially redacted documents acquired by The Wasted Onion from an anonymous source wearing a Guy Fawkes mask are six pages from a top secret CIA Special Inquiry which was written by the CIA as a summary for the president of the current situation regarding the agencies investigation into finding the suspect who killed TallPeter, with autopsy details, photo evidence as well as hypotheses about potential suspects, with wasteof users such as @Thrat, @Owl, @Mef, @Burrito and more being named as suspects. The pages also contain a photograph shared by the president online of a handwritten shopping list, proving their legitimacy and how goddamn good we are at our jobs. Due to the sensitivity of these documents, The Wasted Onion Editorial Board has decided to release them recklessly, saying in a statement that “you only live once!” The Wasted Onion has reached out to the Crack House for comment on why the fuck they put us as a suspect, but have yet to hear back.
Please go to the comments of this post to find all 6 pages of the documents in full.
Diplomatic Talks Break Down Between Trump, Motion-Activated Ghost Decoration
https://theonion.com/diplomatic-talks-break-down-between-trump-motion-activated-ghost-decoration/
Priceless Jewels Stolen From Louvre In Daytime Raid
https://theonion.com/priceless-jewels-stolen-from-louvre-in-daytime-raid/
Survey: 1 In 5 High Schoolers Knows Someone Who Has Had An AI Relationship
https://theonion.com/survey-1-in-5-high-schoolers-knows-someone-who-has-had-an-ai-relationship/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: ‘I Was Starting To Get Withdrawal Symptoms’ Says Netanyahu As Israel Strikes Southern Gaza Amid Ceasefire
From The Shovel: Gaza Peace Deal Ushers In New Era of Scrolling Past News About Middle East
ICYMI: Pete Hegseth Walks Fully Nude Around Newly Press-Free Pentagon
https://theonion.com/pete-hegseth-walks-fully-nude-around-newly-press-free-pentagon/
