Welcome to the official page of The Wasted Onion, The Only News Source. We post the most important and trustworthy journalism that shines light in the dark halls of power and asks the tough questions. They say “Democracy Dies in Darkness,” we say “Hey, We’ll Totally Trade You This Democracy That’s Collecting Dust in Our Attic for a $100 Amazon Gift Card.”
The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
AI Chatbot That Only Responds ‘Huh’ Valued At $200 Billion
https://theonion.com/ai-chatbot-that-only-responds-huh-valued-at-200-billion/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Kiwi Shows Signs Of Being Catgirl In Recent Post
This special report was written and suggested by @angelo, thank you!
What I Lack In Physical Strength, I Make Up For In Pubic Hair
https://theonion.com/what-i-lack-in-physical-strength-i-make-up-for-in-pubic-hair/
The Wasted Onion Magazine: Murd’oh! This Dipshit Helped Trump Get Back Into The White House And Still Got Sued By Him
ICE Agent Scores Easy Win By Deporting Own Family
https://theonion.com/ice-agent-scores-easy-win-by-deporting-own-family/
By The Wasted Onion: ICE Anxious To Get To Part Where Mass Killings Just A Statistic
WASHINGTON—Expressing increasing weariness at the public outcry towards the organisations recent actions, sources close to the leadership at Immigration and Customs Enforcement said Monday that the agency is anxious to get to the part where the mass killing of innocent American citizens becomes just another statistic. "I gotta tell you guys, I personally cannot wait until we get to the stage where the general public stops giving a shit about how many of them we kill in cold blood. Because this whole ‘scrutiny’ and ‘public outrage’ is a real drag," said Acting Director of ICE Todd Lyons to staff during a meeting with ICE agents who kept looking for anything moving that they could shoot at. "I mean, it couldn't have taken this long for those dumbass working class morons to accept countless school and mass shootings? I feel like that kind of traumatic and preventable atrocity was made a staple of the American dream way faster than our efforts to bring forth the American branded secret police." Concluding the meeting, Mr. Lyons and other top ICE officials stood around an inverted pentagram before reciting a chant in an unknown language, floating just off the ground while the room filled with blood. At press time, ICE received instructions from the Department of Homeland Security to start shooting up schools to speed up the nations numbness to the atrocities the agency was committing.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Starmer Suggests Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor Do Everyone A Favour By Killing Himself
ICYMI: JD Vance Places Candle Outside Hooters Where ICE Agents Were Heckled
https://theonion.com/jd-vance-places-candle-outside-hooters-where-ice-agents-were-heckled/
Rifle-Wielding Chair Umpire Asks Crowd If Making Noise During Australian Open Truly Worth Dying For
By The Wasted Onion: I Decided To Ban Blaze From Wasteof For Shits And Giggles
As the owner and a moderator of wasteof.money, it is important to me that I keep the platform safe and fun for all those who spend their time here. With no moderation the platform would descend into pure unfathomable chaos! With that in mind, I would like to explain that I decided to ban Blaze from wasteof.money for shits and giggles.
It's true, unlike some of our other bans over the years, this one was solely because I thought it'd be quite funny. I am happy to report that I do indeed find it very funny. I mean come on, it's Blaze! Why not, huh? Maybe the owners can ask their new "Nexus" AI chatbot thingamajig to come up with a way to get themselves unbanned!
Do not threat however, I do not plan on banning other people all over the place just for my own amusement. Except maybe The Wasted Onion. I know I'm writing in it right now, but I mean come on, it would be pretty hysterical for these guys to post my piece and then get banned afterwards, right? [Note from The Wasted Onion Editorial Board: we would like to formally beg Jeffalo to not ban us from wasteof, pretty please?] I bet the folks over at The Wasted Onion would find it funny!
Anyway, I better get back to my formal duties as wasteof owner. Though I will extend an offer to KyleTech to unban Blaze if he agrees to rename it "Balze."
RFK Jr. Demonstrates How To Remove Tapeworm By Scooting Ass Across Carpet
https://theonion.com/rfk-jr-demonstrates-how-to-remove-tapeworm-by-scooting-ass-across-carpet/
By The Wasted Onion: ‘Write That Down, Write That Down!’ Yells Nigel Farage After Seeing Footage Of ICE Murdering People With Impunity
LONDON, ENGLAND—Raising his voice to get the attention of nearby staffers, Reform UK leader Nigel Farage reportedly yelled "write that down, write that down!" after viewing footage of ICE agents in the U.S. murdering people with impunity. "My god, that is genius! Quickly, write that down, write that down! I can't forget this crucial part of my ambition to become prime minister. OK, so I need to hire a fuck-ton of unskilled racist morons to ‘enforce’ bullshit immigration laws as a pretence to kill people I don't like, got it!" said Farage to an aide while watching a news segment showing footage of ICE agents attacking innocent citizens in Minneapolis. "Now, what to call this agency that is beholden to no one but me? Well, since ICE is taken, perhaps I can use something like SPICE? Yeah, SPICE! Makes sense as well given that us Brits are horrified of anything with flavour. I for one would die if I ate a chicken korma," overshared Farage to the aide who just wanted to go home and cry themselves to sleep. According to further insider information, Farage said that if he was PM right now, he would offer any U.S. ICE agents put on leave following the death of Alex Pretti a job with SPICE so they can keep their kill counts up. At press time, British Prime Minister Sir Keir Starmer said he would create his own UK version of ICE before Farage could, with plans to do the exact same thing as Farage but with agents wearing rainbow pride masks instead.
Trump Asks Nicki Minaj To Explain Eating Ass
https://theonion.com/trump-asks-nicki-minaj-to-explain-eating-ass/
