Welcome to the official page of The Wasted Onion, The Only News Source. We post the most important and trustworthy journalism that shines light in the dark halls of power and asks the tough questions. They say “Democracy Dies in Darkness,” we say “Hey, We’ll Totally Trade You This Democracy That’s Collecting Dust in Our Attic for a $100 Amazon Gift Card.”
The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
Soot-Covered Prince Andrew Begging On Street For Child To Molest
https://theonion.com/soot-covered-prince-andrew-begging-on-street-for-child-to-molest/
The Wasted Onion Editorial Board would like readers to know that this post was made on 4 November 2025 and that any statements to the contrary will result in you being killed with hammers.
Mike Johnson: ‘My Christian Faith Is More About Not Jacking Off Than Feeding The Poor’
By The Wasted Onion: @IKilledTallPeter420 Planned To Build More Time Machines To Kill TallPeter 419 More Times, Says Kiwi-Late Administration
THE INTERNET—Showing the brazen nature of the convict now in custody, officials for the Kiwi-Late Administration said Sunday that wasteof user IKilledTallPeter420 planned to build more time machines so they could kill TallPeter 419 more times. “After various interviews with the convict and of course many unnecessary torture sessions where we subjected them to Japanese water torture, bloodletting and the entire Benson Boone discography, IKilledTallPeter420 admitted they were planning to construct more time machines so they could murder TallPeter 419 more times like the sick and unfunny fuck they are,” said Attorney General Esben during an interview outside Tim Hortons with The Wasted Onion’s Tame Impala, who is one person. “Not just is IKilledTallPeter420 one of wasteof’s most dangerous criminals in history, they were planning so many more nefarious crimes to add to their already long list of convictions, such as making fun of Auriali for using the colour pink and telling ILoveTimHortons that Tim Hortons sucks.” Esben went on to clarify that such acts can potentially lead to the death penalty, warning citizens that they should “be very careful of what they do or else they’ll lose a good few limbs” if they were to commit such criminal acts. At press time, President Kiwi said in a statement outside the Crack House that IKilledTallPeter420 was “as sick as they come. They didn’t even think that it would’ve been much funnier to have planned to kill TallPeter another 66 times instead of 419 times.”
This stories headline was written and suggested by @kiwi, thank you!
ICYMI: Black Homeowners Receive Higher Appraisal After Displaying Pictures Of Klan Members
ICYMI: Prince Andrew Stripped Of Royal Computer Privileges
https://theonion.com/prince-andrew-stripped-of-royal-computer-privileges/
Halloween Special Report: Cursed Videotape Kills Anyone Who Swallows It Whole
https://theonion.com/cursed-videotape-kills-anyone-who-swallows-it-whole/
Neighbors Always Knew Teen Gunman Was Evil And Did Nothing Because They Are Evil Too
China Agrees To Purchase 11 U.S. Soybeans
https://theonion.com/china-agrees-to-purchase-11-u-s-soybeans/
Gray-Lipped RFK Jr. Touts Body’s Natural Ability To Transmute Lead Into Gold
https://theonion.com/gray-lipped-rfk-jr-touts-bodys-natural-ability-to-transmute-lead-into-gold/
By The Wasted Onion: New York Mayoral Election Rules Changed To Require At Least 3 Wasteof Posts Within Last Year To Vote
NEW YORK—Causing shock at the sudden decision in the midst of early voting, the New York City Council has voted Tuesday to change mayoral election rules in the city to require voters must have made at least 3 posts to social media site wasteof.money in the last year to be eligible to vote. “Effective immediately, every New Yorker will be required to have made at least 3 posts to acclaimed Swiss social media website wasteof.money to be eligible to vote in the upcoming mayoral election. If you have already voted during the early voting sites, then you will unfortunately be subject to the death penalty,” said New York City Council Speaker Adrienne Eadie Adams shortly after the vote. “We as New Yorkers have to deal with bullshit like this all the time, whether it be rats on the subway or annoying tourists in Times Square, we have dealt with adversity for all of our lives in this city. This rule change is just another simple bump in the road that we can overcome. Don’t let the rats defeat you, sign up for wasteof.money today and write 3 posts just like I have so you can vote for me on election day,” said mayoral candidate Zohran Mamdani in a video posted to social media shortly after the New York City Council vote. The Andrew Cuomo campaign created an account late Tuesday afternoon, creating 3 posts that all mentioned Mr. Mamdani and 9/11 for unexplained, totally not racist reasons. At press time, the New York City Council was considering further changes to the mayoral election rules, such as a stipulation that any voter who has made an account on social media website Blaze would be ineligible to vote.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!
Trump Accused Of Using Makeup To Conceal Ventilator
https://theonion.com/trump-accused-of-using-makeup-to-conceal-ventilator/
Trump Defends Demolition Of Yggdrasil, Ancient Tree Of Life
https://theonion.com/trump-defends-demolition-of-yggdrasil-ancient-tree-of-life/
By The Wasted Onion: David Zaslav Gleefully Departs Warner Bros. Parking Lot For Last Time After President Kiwi Pays Him Skittles For Studio
BURBANK, CA—Signifying a massive shift in the American filmmaking industry, Warner Bros. Discovery CEO David Zaslav was seen gleefully departing the parking lot of Warner Bros. Studios Burbank after selling the filmmaking facility to wasteof President Kiwi for a bag of Skittles. “A bag of Skittles for a studio facility Warner Bros. has been using to create films for almost a century? Seems pretty fair. I can snack on these while deciding on what finished project I’m going to cancel next for a tax write off!” said the Warner Bros. Discovery CEO in a private conversation with President Kiwi, which was acquired by The Wasted Onion from a man who painted himself the same colour as the tarmac of the studio parking lot to record the conversation. “I am excited to announce that after a productive negotiation with David Zaslav, Warner Bros. have agreed to sell their Burbank studio to us for a tasty bag of Skittles! With this I am proud to announce we’re naming the studio facilities, wastof.studios, which will house the production and filming of ‘The Wasteof.money Movie’ and all of its subsequent spin-offs, such as a documentary about me in which I save the world from saving their money,” said the president in an address to the nation outside the Crack House. Rumours among Hollywood insiders indicated that Warner Bros. was eyeing up the new upcoming White House ballroom as a potential new studio location, with Mr. Zaslav claiming the business could acquire the space by paying U.S. President Trump “totally legal bribes.” At press time, David Zaslav has been arrested for murder outside his home after footage revealed that while snacking on the bag of Skittles he received from President Kiwi, he ran over a man painted like tarmac that recorded his conversation with the wasteof president.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @kiwi, thank you!
