Welcome to the official page of The Wasted Onion, The Only News Source. We post the most important and trustworthy journalism that shines light in the dark halls of power and asks the tough questions. They say “Democracy Dies in Darkness,” we say “Hey, We’ll Totally Trade You This Democracy That’s Collecting Dust in Our Attic for a $100 Amazon Gift Card.”
Find more kick-ass journalism at our website: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/
The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
By The Wasted Onion: Trump Deports Hurricanes
WASHINGTON—Declaring the weather phenomenon's "reign of terror" officially over, U.S. President Donald Trump announced Sunday that Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents have successfully deported all pending hurricanes attempting to make landfall on American soil.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/trump-deports-hurricanes/
This article was requested by @esben, thank you!
From The Archives: Mexico Killed In Drug Deal
https://theonion.com/mexico-killed-in-drug-deal-1819571764/
By The Wasted Onion: Trump Gives Up On Greenland Plans After Seeing New UN Map
WASHINGTON—Following a UN resolution endorsing a new map that more accurately reflects the size of landmasses across the globe, such as showing how Greenland is roughly 14 times smaller than Africa, U.S. President Trump has abandoned all ambitions to acquire the Danish territory.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/trump-gives-up-on-greenland-plans-after-seeing-new-un-map/
This stories headline was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!
ICYMI: FBI Moves To Raise Murder Rate For First Time Since 2023
https://theonion.com/fbi-moves-to-raise-murder-rate-for-first-time-since-2023/
By The Wasted Onion: AfD Vows To Change German Curriculum To Teach That Hitler Was Just Hangry
MAGDEBURG, GERMANY—Following its historic landslide victory in the Saxony-Anhalt state election that brought them just short of an outright majority, the far-right Alternative for Germany (AfD) party announced educational reforms to teach students that Adolf Hitler was simply just hangry.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/afd-vows-to-change-german-cirriculum-to-teach-that-hitler-was-just-hangry/
Olivia Rodrigo Releases Fantasy Tabletop Game ‘The High Winter Elves Of Girlville’
By The Wasted Onion: Burnham Announces No. 10 North, South, East, West, North East, North West, South East, South West
MANCHESTER, ENGLAND—Arguing that power is over-centralised in Westminster, British Prime Minister Andy Burnham announced Thursday the rollout of eight new regional executive offices, dubbed Number 10 North, South, East, West, North East, North West, South East, and South West.
Barefoot Ed Sheeran Introduces Sock Puppets That Will Open For Him On Tour
https://theonion.com/barefoot-ed-sheeran-introduces-sock-puppets-that-will-open-for-him-on-tour/
By The Wasted Onion: Ghost Of Charlie Kirk Found Trapped Inside AI Data Centre
WEST JORDAN, UT—Ending the year-long search on a surprising note Wednesday, engineers have discovered the ghost of deceased conservative commentator and Turning Point USA co-founder Charlie Kirk trapped inside an AI data centre.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/ghost-of-charlie-kirk-found-trapped-inside-ai-data-centre/
Congress Passes $430,000/Hour Minimum Wage For Billionaires
https://theonion.com/congress-passes-430000-hour-minimum-wage-for-billionaires/
By The Wasted Onion: Supreme Court Permits Trump To Build White House Ball Pit
WASHINGTON—Handing the Trump administration a major legal victory Tuesday, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled that President Donald Trump may proceed with building his controversial White House ball pit.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/us-supreme-court-permits-trump-to-build-white-house-ball-pit/
Jason Momoa Wakes Up Tied To Chair In Empty Warehouse With ‘Candy Crush Saga’ Movie Script
By The Wasted Onion: National Emergency Declared After Single Weetabix Soaks Up Entirety Of River Thames
WESTMINSTER, LONDON—Causing chaos along the longest river in England, the UK government declared a national emergency Monday after a singular Weetabix biscuit was thrown into the River Thames, instantly soaking up the entirety of the waterway.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/national-emergency-declared-after-single-weetabix-soaks-up-entirety-of-river-thames/
Phoebe Bridgers Postpones Concert After Experiencing Twinge Of Happiness
https://theonion.com/phoebe-bridgers-postpones-concert-after-experiencing-twinge-of-happiness/
By The Wasted Onion: The Wasted Onion's Graphic Design Department Has Been Locked In The Office Basement After Asking For A Lunch Break
Here at The Wasted Onion, we rely heavily upon our talented and obedient graphic design department to create visuals that make plebeians like you tremble in fear and arousal at the true beauty and power of our news gauntlet. Working at The Only News Source is the privilege of multiple lifetimes, which is why we do not tolerate those who refuse to put their all into fuelling the journalistic death march that is our newsroom. With all of that in mind, it is with regret and intense lust that we announce our graphic design department has been locked in the office basement after asking for something as ludicrous as a so-called "lunch break."
The Wasted Onion will not be posting the usual graphics for the next week, with either simplified or no graphics depending on circumstances instead.
