Welcome to the official page of The Wasted Onion, The Only News Source. We post the most important and trustworthy journalism that shines light in the dark halls of power and asks the tough questions. They say “Democracy Dies in Darkness,” we say “Hey, We’ll Totally Trade You This Democracy That’s Collecting Dust in Our Attic for a $100 Amazon Gift Card.”
Find more kick-ass journalism at our website: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/
The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
Object Permanence Kicks In Just In Time For Dad To Leave
https://theonion.com/object-permanence-kicks-in-just-in-time-for-dad-to-leave/
By The Wasted Onion: Scientists Observe Tamefire For First Time
BORDEAUX, FRANCE—Amazed to finally witness the elusive phenomenon after decades of research and hypotheses, scientists from Sorbonne University observed a tamefire for the first time Wednesday.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/scientists-observe-tamefire-for-first-time/
Adult Man Genuinely Inspired By AI Video Of Lion Wearing Rolex
https://theonion.com/adult-man-genuinely-inspired-by-ai-video-of-lion-wearing-rolex/
By The Wasted Onion: Homer Simpson Drops Doughnut
SPRINGFIELD, ??—Mourning the fried good as it slipped from his yellow fingers, father-of-three Homer Simpson dropped a doughnut Tuesday afternoon at the entrance of the Kwik-E-Mart where he had just purchased it.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/homer-simpson-drops-doughnut/
This stories headline was written and suggested by @oren, thank you!
Pharmaceutical Ad Urges Viewers To Fight Doctors Who Say Drug Not Right For Them
By The Wasted Onion: AI Data Centre Brings Job To Town
DAYTON, VA—Hailing the boost to the local economy that the high-tech facility will bring, local officials announced Monday that a new AI data centre built in the town of Dayton, Virginia has created a total of one job for the area.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/ai-data-centre-brings-job-to-town/
This stories headline was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!
Man Eating Salad Takes Moment To Appreciate What A Good Boy He’s Being
https://theonion.com/man-eating-salad-takes-moment-to-appreciate-what-a-good-boy-hes-being/
By The Wasted Onion: Japan Turns Footsteps Into Electricity
TOKYO, JAPAN—Pushing the boundaries of what is possible with renewable energy, Japanese scientists demonstrated Sunday how they can now convert footsteps into electricity.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/japan-turns-footsteps-into-electricity/
This stories headline was written and suggested by @oren, thank you!
From The Archives: Good Scissors Not In The Fucking Drawer
https://theonion.com/good-scissors-not-in-the-fucking-drawer-1827516871/
By The Wasted Onion: Katy Perry Dead At 41 Following Secret Battle With Number One Hit Deficiency
MONTECITO, CA—Leaving fans devastated Saturday, a representative for pop star Katy Perry announced that she was pronounced dead at the age of 41 following a lengthy secret battle with number one hit deficiency, also known as NOHD.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/katy-perry-dead-at-41-following-secret-battle-with-number-one-hit-deficiency/
This stories headline was written and suggested by @axltheautistim, thank you!
ICYMI: Everyone In Oval Office Meeting Currently In Some Stage Of Stroke
https://theonion.com/everyone-in-oval-office-meeting-currently-in-some-stage-of-stroke/
By The Wasted Onion: [NOTE: Do Not Post Until He Actually Resigns Or We're So Fucked] Andy Burnham Resigns As UK Prime Minister
LONDON—Following months of mounting pressure from those within his own party over [TK ADD WHATEVER FUCK UP THAT BROKE THE CAMELS BACK WAS], British Prime Minister Andy Burnham has announced that he will resign, with [TK WHATEVER SHITHEAD WHO WILL LIKELY REPLACE BURNHAM] being the current front runner to replace him.
Tourist Disappointed To Leave Scotland Without Seeing Single Fat Bastard
https://theonion.com/tourist-disappointed-to-leave-scotland-without-seeing-single-fat-bastard/
By The Wasted Onion: Microsoft Announces Windows XIII
REDMOND, WA—Ushering in the latest iteration of its iconic desktop operating system, tech giant Microsoft has announced Windows XIII, the successor to Windows 11.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/microsoft-announces-windows-xiii/
Portions of this story and its headline was written and suggested by @owl, thank you!
New Geneva Convention Allows Use Of Child Soldiers With Signed Permission Slip
https://theonion.com/new-geneva-convention-allows-use-of-child-soldiers-with-signed-permission-slip/
