Welcome to the official page of The Wasted Onion, The Only News Source. We post the most important and trustworthy journalism that shines light in the dark halls of power and asks the tough questions. They say “Democracy Dies in Darkness,” we say “Hey, We’ll Totally Trade You This Democracy That’s Collecting Dust in Our Attic for a $100 Amazon Gift Card.”
The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
By The Wasted Onion: Remembering Blaze: A Website That Used Wasteof More Than Its Own
THE INTERNET—Throughout its troubled and divisive time online, social media platform Blaze did bring the internet together in agreement on one aspect of its existence; that it used competing social media site wasteof far more than its own. “It’s honestly quite odd how Blaze seemed to use wasteof at higher frequency and was likely more well known on that platform rather than its own site that it was supposedly promoting,” said renowned technology journalist Michael Soft after receiving a check for £23 from The Wasted Onion’s parent company. “There were some achievements that Blaze can be proud of, such as defeating the UK’s Online Safety Act by not implementing ID checks, which as we all know famously caused the UK government to instantly collapse and the House of Commons to disintegrate while the Online Safety Act evaporated. All because Blaze was brave enough to fight 10 Downing Street like a hardened soldier battling valiantly in the trenches like how they do in movies." Mr. Soft went on to explain that while Blaze did achieve such a monumental feat, it was still inexplicably using wasteof more than its own site, hypothesising that “maybe they didn’t endorse Trump hard enough.” At press time, Israeli web development platform Wix announced it would be filing for bankruptcy, explaining in a statement that it lost significant revenue after Blaze announced its plans to shutter operations.
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Pete Hegseth: ‘All Soldiers Must Be Submissive And Breedable’
Trump Asks JD Vance To Research Whether President Allowed To Kill Vice President
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: BREAKING: Some Motherfucker Just Unfollowed Us On Wasteof And We're Pissed
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Trump To Try Turning Government Off And Back On Again
This special report was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!
Physical Media Collector Pumped For Downfall Of Humanity
https://theonion.com/physical-media-collector-pumped-for-downfall-of-humanity/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Blaze To Leak Your Personal Information During Bankruptcy Shutdown
By The Wasted Onion: White House Backs Plans To Install Margaret Thatcher As Leader Of Gaza
WASHINGTON—Sharing details of a meeting with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu Tuesday, the White House has backed a peace plan in which former British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher would be installed as leader of Gaza. ”Today me and Bibi are putting forth a big, beautiful plan that will end the death and destruction we have seen over the last 2 or so years in Gaza, it's a fair and powerful 20 point deal. To ensure the success of this effort, my plan calls for a new international oversight body, the Board of Peace, which will be headed, at my request, by a famously dead lady known as Margaret Thatcher of the United Kingdom, who will lead New Gaza as its leader from the grave,” said Trump at a press conference with Netanyahu standing beside him while shedding a singular tear. “I support your plan to end the war in Gaza, which achieves our war aims. Hamas will be disarmed. Gaza will be demilitarised. Israel will retain security responsibility, including a security perimeter, for the foreseeable future. And lastly, Gaza will have a peaceful, civilian administration that is run by the dead bitch that is Margaret Thatcher,” said Netanyahu in praise of the president's potential peace plan. Speaking through a ouija board, Thatcher thanked Trump and Netanyahu for the opportunity to bring peace and misery to the people of Gaza that is so depressing that they will be “begging to just get bombed everyday again.” At press time, the IDF confirmed that missiles used to conduct an airstrike soon after the press conference killing 45 people in Gaza had “iron lady” inscribed on it.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!
Indiana Offers Tax Breaks To Attract Religious Doomsday Cults
https://theonion.com/indiana-offers-tax-breaks-to-attract-religious-doomsday-cults/
ICE Confirms Agents Do Not Have Faces Beneath Masks
https://theonion.com/ice-confirms-agents-do-not-have-faces-beneath-masks/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Report: FBI To Categorise Trans People As ‘Not Oppressed Or Scared For Their Lives Enough’
Via The Shovel: Netanyahu Discovers Bombing He Doesn’t Enjoy
https://theshovel.com.au/2025/09/27/netanyahu-discovers-bombing-he-doesnt-enjoy/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Study: Average Person Will Randomly Kill About 7 Wasteof Or Darflen Users In Their Lifetime
By The Wasted Onion: Trump Jailed For Crimes, Ghislaine Maxwell Released From Prison, Running For Office
BRYAN, TX—Leaving a power vacuum in Washington D.C. and triggering an early election, former U.S. President Donald Trump has been sentenced to 20 years in jail, with former socialite, convicted sex offender and Jeffery Epstein associate Ghislaine Maxwell being released from prison and announcing her candidacy for president. “Today as I stand before you all as a free woman, ready to make this nation the envy of the world and restore it to its former glory, I, Ghislaine Maxwell, am announcing my candidacy for president of the United States of America. Let’s make America groomed again!” said Maxwell outside Federal Prison Camp in which she was released from mere moments prior, with Donald Trump being dragged in by his swollen legs. “It will be the honour of my life to be the first female president in United States history, as well as the first convicted sex offender to be president, and of course the second convicted felon too. I will do great things, such as lowering the age of consent to at least 8, maybe even 6 if I'm feeling extra depraved that day. Vote for Ghislaine to make sex offending cool again!" Trump was sentenced after being convicted of 34 counts of falsifying business records to cover up hush money payments to pornographic film actress Stormy Daniels, as well as hush money given to Rudy Giuliani for sexual encounters the men had. At press time, former Secretary of State and First Lady Hillary Clinton was seen shaking her fist into the sky, proclaiming “why didn’t I go on Jeffery’s plane with Bill? I might have won the 2016 election if I did!”
This stories headline was written and suggested by @juniperrr, thank you!
