Welcome to the official page of The Wasted Onion, The Only News Source. We post the most important and trustworthy journalism that shines light in the dark halls of power and asks the tough questions. They say “Democracy Dies in Darkness”, we say “Hey, We’ll Totally Trade You This Democracy That’s Collecting Dust in Our Attic for a $100 Amazon Gift Card”.
The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
By The Wasted Onion: UK Government Successfully Meets 2025 Target To Cut All Homeless People In Half
LONDON—Proudly announcing it has met one of its targets made in 2019 during Theresa May's premiership, the UK government has announced Wednesday that it has successfully cut all homeless people in half. “I am proud to tell the British public today that this government has met a promise made to you in 2019 during the Tories time in government to cut all homeless people in the country in half by this year. I can confirm to you now that we have done it, the homeless are all cut in half, their torsos gruesomely separated from their legs,” said Home Secretary Yvette Cooper in a video posted to her X/Twitter account. “This Labour government is dedicated to change and getting Britain back into a healthier state economically and socially. Cutting every single unhoused person in half will reduce strain on the NHS as well as send a message to you broke bastards that if you keep using a foodbank and can’t pay your rent on time which results in you living on the streets that we’ll cut you in half too.” Prime Minister Sir Keir Starmer later hailed the cutting of Britain's rough sleepers as “fantastic” and dreamily spoke of the “immense amount of blood, guts and body parts” that would have been flung around during the industrial sized operation of homeless-people-cutting. At press time, rumours emerged that No. 10 was considering a scheme in which it would cut anyone expressing support for the proscribed direct action group Palestine Action into tiny little cubes.
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: ‘More Cooties!’ Shouts Unsettled Zelensky During Meeting With Trump
Sam Altman Places Gun To Head After New GPT Claims Dogs Are Crustaceans For 60th Time
Taylor Swift Details Writing New Album With Travis Kelce Watching ‘Family Guy’ In Background
By The Wasted Onion: Restaurant Employees Reported Missing After Making ‘Slightly Disappointing’ $5,000 Hot Dog For MrBeast
GREENVILLE, NC—Appealing for information that leads to their safe return from the public, the Greenville Police Department confirmed Sunday that employees of the Dine Royale are missing after making a “slightly disappointing” $5,000 hot dog for YouTuber Jimmy Donaldson, known online as MrBeast. “We are appealing for any information regarding the 8 employees of the Dine Royale who were on the clock the night of August 15, 2025. They were last seen attending to a customer that ordered a $5,000 hot dog that he commented was mildly under expectations. An hour after this, the staff were reported missing by a passerby. The customer in question was heard by witnesses discussing things such as ‘1 baby versus 100 serial killers’ and ‘surviving 10 years in Hell to win $1,’” said Chief of Police Richard Tyndall during a press conference. “If you or anyone you know has information that can lead to the safe return of the Dine Royale, you are entitled to join the next season of Beast Games on Amazon Prime as a contestant!” Posting to his X/Twitter profile, MrBeast said he had no involvement in the disappearance of the restaurant employees, claiming he was too busy working on his upcoming video “$1 vs $500,000 Nuclear Bomb.” Following the police's press conference, scientists working for NASA leaked information that revealed MrBeast’s Orbital Death Laser was pointed at the Diner Royale an hour after MrBeast was served the hot dog. After declining to comment, MrBeast’s Orbital Death Laser began pointing towards The Wasted Onion’s newsroom based in Scotland.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @mef, thank you!
Via ClickHole: This Makes More Sense: The Worst Person You Know Just Made A Terrible Point
https://clickhole.com/this-makes-more-sense-the-worst-person-you-know-just-made-a-terrible-point/
Statement From Paul Woodman, Head Of Legal At The Wasted Onion: We here at The Wasted Onion vehemently deny the allegations from Fem, we do not spew so called “wokeness“ and “liberal“ talking points, we brainwash the masses into becoming part of the tofu-eating wokerati who worships pride month like a religious holiday. To say that The Only News Source merely dabbles in cancel culture is an insult, we orchestrate it like the London Symphony Orchestra forms beautiful melodies. We can and have cancelled anyone who tries to stand in our way, so listen here snowflake, you better get in line before we find some old Tweets of yours with some colourful language that will result in you needing to bust out the ukulele to sing an apology. Comparing us to the likes of Fox News or The Daily Mail is laughable, they are merely propaganda arms of Rupert Murdoch’s shitty little media empire. Oh, you think we’re woke like the so-called “mainstream media“ are? Please, we are so much more than any of them, we are the very life force for which all human thought comes from. Our journalism is so fucking good that we don’t need to turn you woke, you just assimilate yourself into it, you welcome the woke mind virus happily into your feeble mind as if it were a friend coming over for dinner. That’s power, that’s influence. So no, you can’t delete us, but we can most certainly delete your pathetic excuse for a life off the face of the Earth like it is a mere spec of dust underneath a radiator.
The @wastedonion spews nothing but woke LIBERAL opinions and CANCEL CULTURE and should be DELETED 
By The Wasted Onion: Mehdi Hasan To Face 40 Fascists In Fistfight To The Death
LOS ANGELES, CA—After the success of its Surrounded episode featuring 20 far-right conservatives versus the progressive journalist, Jubilee has announced it will now pit Mehdi Hasan against 40 fascists in a fistfight to the death. “Given the tremendous success of having Mehdi Hasan on Surrounded, standing at 10 million views on YouTube, the next natural step is of course to get the progressive to square up against 40 full-blown fascists in a fistfight where only one will survive,” said Jubilee Media CEO Jason Lee while salivating at the prospect of all the blood that would be spilled in the name of YouTube views. “This is going to be the political event of the year, it’s going to be huge! Not just that, but we already have a sponsor lined up in the form of Netflix, they’re just as excited to see Medhi Hasan brawl with 40 fascists who want to keep the gene pool pure of dirty Middle Eastern scum like him, they’re projecting the video will be an even bigger success than the Jake Paul vs Mike Tyson boxing match, with actual punches being thrown!” Jubilee confirmed that the fight would feature the self-described fascists being able to vote out ones from the fight that don’t bludgeon Mr. Hasan into a bloody mass of pulp enough, in a similar fashion to its Surrounded series. At press time, reports suggested Jubilee was working on ways to reanimate controversial political figures like Adolf Hitler or Benito Mussolini to debate 20 liberal college students on future episodes of Surrounded.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!
ICYMI: JD Vance Booed By Own Reflection In Mirror
https://theonion.com/jd-vance-booed-by-own-reflection-in-mirror/
By The Wasted Onion: UK To Ban Sugar, Spice, Everything Nice
LONDON—Pledging to put the nation at the forefront of what it sees as the next evolution in public health, the UK government has introduced a new bill to the House of Commons Friday that will ban sugar, spice and everything nice if passed into law. “Today, this government is taking bold action to create the first sugar, spice and everything nice free generation, clamping down on people getting hooked on sugary snacks, spicy food that has actual flavour, and ensuring we keep the UK a joyless shithole that continues to be a laughing stock of the world over,“ said Health and Social Care Secretary Wes Streeting while giving the first reading of the No More Fun Forever Bill to the Commons. “Sugar, spice and everything nice has a devastating impact on thousands of lives across the UK in exciting and fulfilling ways each year. Tough measures must be taken to ensure future generations don’t smile too much because of having any fun whatsoever.” When asked to clarify what “everything nice” meant in practical terms, Streeting said that alongside banning the aforementioned sugar and spice, the bill would also ban sunrises, sunsets, video games, books, holidays, hugs, kisses, sex, kittens, puppies, sunny days, playgrounds, TV, films, music, festivals, BBQs, nature, the internet and anything else the government deemed would “bring a sense of happiness” to UK residents. At press time, the government confirmed the bill would mandate nightclubs could only play music that brought no joy to its patrons, with nightclub owners responding that only Ed Sheeran’s music would fit the potential new requirement.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @eris, thank you!
By The Wasted Onion: UK Bans Transgender People From Bathrooms Of Both Their Gender Or ‘Biological’ Sex
MANCHESTER, ENGLAND—Following the Supreme Court ruling that the terms “woman” and “sex” refer only to biological sex under the Equality Act 2010, the Equality and Human Rights Commission issued new draft guidance Thursday banning transgender and gender non-conforming people from entering bathrooms of their gender or biological sex. “We have submitted our statutory guidance to ministers this month in response to the Supreme Court’s April ruling regarding transgender and gender non-conforming people, which sets out new rules that restrict them from entering public restrooms of their preferred gender or biological sex. This applies to any organisation that provides a service to the public, like schools, hospitals, shops and those fake bathrooms in IKEA showrooms,” said a spokesperson for the EHRC in an interview at knifepoint. “We want to stress however that trans and gender non-confirming individuals are still protected from discrimination and harassment under the Equality Act, except in the case of bathrooms, sports and probably some other shit.” Reports suggested the EHRC plans to write further guidance that would ban trans people from going outside due to fears they could spread gender dysphoria to others. At press time, gender-critical activist and author JK Rowling posted a video to her X/Twitter page of her sniffing her mouldy walls before exclaiming that it was “the sweet smell of victory, bitches!”
This stories headline was written and suggested by @owl, thank you!
Travis Kelce Receives Invoice For Girlfriend’s Podcast Appearance
https://theonion.com/travis-kelce-receives-invoice-for-girlfriends-podcast-appearance/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: ‘Cooties!’ Shouts Frightened Zelensky During Hug With Starmer
By The Wasted Onion: Xbox Announces Next ‘Call Of Duty’ Game Will Feature Usage Of Microsoft Azure For Genocide
REDMOND, WA—Excitedly sharing details about the latest instalment in the first-person shooter franchise, Microsoft Gaming CEO Phil Spencer announced Wednesday that the next Call of Duty game will feature usage of Microsoft Azure to promote how its being used to facilitate genocide. “I am super excited to tell you all that the next Call of Duty that’s already in development over at Activision Blizzard will let players try out Microsoft Azure in scenarios where you help aid blood thirsty governments commit genocide!” said Mr. Spencer without blinking and smiling manically. “You’ll help war criminals that are part of extreme authoritarian regimes use Microsoft Azure to build powerful mass surveillance tools that collect and store the communications of oppressed minorities! You’ll then be able to see the fruits of your labour as they use their new toy powered by Azure to indiscriminately bomb civilians!” Spencer proceeded to laugh and giggle like a schoolboy for what witnesses called “an unsettling amount” of time. Concluding the announcement, Phil Spencer said that the upcoming title would feature a mission where the player would take the role of an IDF member launching airstrikes to kill Al Jazeera journalists in Gaza.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!
