Welcome to the official page of The Wasted Onion, The Only News Source. We post the most important and trustworthy journalism that shines light in the dark halls of power and asks the tough questions. They say “Democracy Dies in Darkness,” we say “Hey, We’ll Totally Trade You This Democracy That’s Collecting Dust in Our Attic for a $100 Amazon Gift Card.”
Find more kick-ass journalism at our website: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/
The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
ICYMI: Democracy Files For Chapter 11 Bankruptcy
https://theonion.com/democracy-files-for-chapter-11-bankruptcy/
By The Wasted Onion: Trump Promises To Legalise Tax Evasion For All U.S. Adults If Republicans Win Midterms
DALLAS, TX—Addressing supporters at the RNC Midterm Convention Wednesday evening, U.S. President Donald Trump vowed to legalise tax evasion for every American adult if Republicans retain control of the House and Senate in the upcoming midterm elections.
ICYMI: Kiss Cam Operator Not Going To Stop Until All 32,000 Fans Have Kissed
https://theonion.com/kiss-cam-operator-not-going-to-stop-until-all-32000-fans-have-kissed/
By The Wasted Onion: iPhone Duo Confirmed To Feature Two Headphone Jacks
CUPERTINO, CA—Making its long-awaited entry into the foldable smartphone market Wednesday, tech giant Apple announced the new iPhone Duo, confirming that the folding device will feature two 3.5mm headphone jacks.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/iphone-duo-confirmed-to-feature-two-headphone-jacks/
Trump Promises To Take $5,000 From Every American If Democrats Win Midterm
https://theonion.com/trump-promises-to-take-5000-from-every-american-if-democrats-win-midterm/
By The Wasted Onion: Trump Escalates Trade War By Renaming Canada To ‘America But Maple Syrup’
WASHINGTON—Escalating an increasingly bitter trade war with his northern neighbour, U.S. President Donald Trump announced Thursday that the United States will now officially recognise Canada under the name "America But Maple Syrup."
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/trump-escalates-trade-war-by-renaming-canada-to-america-but-maple-syrup/
This stories headline was written and suggested by mysticallydesigns on Discord, thank you!
Trump Claims 9/11 Attacks Happening Every Day In Democratic Cities
https://theonion.com/trump-claims-9-11-attacks-happening-every-day-in-democratic-cities/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Experts: Far-Right AfD Election Win Completely Fine As Long As Everyone Ignores History
Nation’s Smart Toilets Begin Counting Down
https://theonion.com/nations-smart-toilets-begin-counting-down/
By The Wasted Onion: Israel Condemns UK West Bank Sanctions As ‘Tired Display Of Basic Empathy’
JERUSALEM, ISRAEL—Furiously responding to sanctions announced by the UK targeting illegal settlements in the occupied West Bank, Israeli Foreign Minister Gideon Sa'ar condemned the policy shift Tuesday as a "tired display of basic human empathy."
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/israel-condemns-uk-west-bank-sanctions-as-tired-display-of-basic-empathy/
Health Speculations Swirl After Trump Slumps Over In Saddle Of Runaway Horse
https://theonion.com/health-speculations-swirl-after-trump-slumps-over-in-saddle-of-runaway-horse/
The Wasted Onion Magazine: The Hottest Autumn Makeup Trend Of 2026: Moist Tangerine
By The Wasted Onion: White House Arcade Introduces New Game Where Players Can Cover Up Epstein Files
WASHINGTON—Expanding its controversial online portal for retro minigames Friday, the White House introduced a new addition to its arcade lineup where players are tasked with covering up the Epstein files.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/white-house-arcade-introduces-new-game-where-players-can-cover-up-epstein-files/
Via The Daily Mash: Argentina warned it will be disappointed by Falklands
