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The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
ICYMI: Trump Boys Try Trading In George Washington Portrait At GameStop
https://theonion.com/trump-boys-try-trading-in-george-washington-portrait-at-gamestop/
By The Wasted Onion: MAGA To Change Name To ‘Kool Kidz Klub’
MANHATTAN, NY—Announcing that the the political slogan was falling out of favour with its base and the general public, the Trump Organization announced Thursday that it was planning on renaming the U.S. president's political movement from Make America Great Again (MAGA) to Kool Kidz Klub. "After much careful consideration and consultation with some of the most prominent individuals part of the presidents patriotic movement to Make America Great Again, it has been decided by both the Trump Organization and the White House that MAGA no longer correctly serves the purposes of this great movement. With that in mind, we are encouraging our MAGA patriots to begin adopting the new shorthand of the Kool Kidz Klub, abbreviated as, uh oh, um," said a spokesperson for the Trump Organization before panicking and rushing off to the nearest closet. "As we all know, President Trump has been famous for his excellent naming skills, from the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE), to Operation Epic Furry [sic], the president has once again made an excellent naming choice in rebranding his powerful MAGA movement for the ever evolving times in our great nation," said Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt. Following the announcement, the Make America Healthy Again (MAHA) movement, associated with Health and Human Services Secretary RFK Jr., was also planning to be renamed to New Awesome Zombie Infections. At press time, Trump administration officials were seen scrambling to revert back to MAGA branding after realising that associating the president with a slogan that has the word "kids" in it is likely a bad idea.
This stories headline was written and suggested by kattz__ on Discord, thank you!
Trump Defends Addition Of Ballroom To Air Force One
https://theonion.com/trump-defends-addition-of-ballroom-to-air-force-one/
By The Wasted Onion: Trump Outraged Missile That Killed Ali Khamenei Was Not Pointy Enough
WASHINGTON—Furious as he was informed of further details regarding Operation Epic Fury, U.S. President Donald Trump was reportedly outraged Wednesday after learning the missile that killed former Supreme Leader of Iran Ali Khamenei was not pointy enough for his liking. "We’re knocking the crap out of them [Iran], I think it’s going very well. It’s very powerful. We’ve got the greatest military in the world and we’re using it. But the missile thing we used to kill Ali, it was not pointy at all, very rounded off, not good, I'm very disappointed about that. I like pointy things, they're strong, not like blunt stuff, which are weak, woke a bit," said Trump in an interview with lesser news outlet CNN. "We haven’t even started hitting them hard. The big wave hasn’t even happened. The big one is coming soon," Trump continued, "But it will take some time, much time maybe, we need to make our bombs pointier, way more pointy. Pointy to the point you can't touch them without getting cut." Before CNN could release its interview with Trump, the White House shared a video to its Twitter page teasing "the big one" that he was referring too, with "In The Air Tonight" by Phil Collins playing throughout. At press time, a U.S. servicemember had reportedly died after accidentally impaling themselves on a missile they were filing the end of to make it pointier to suit the presidents desire.
This stories headline was written and suggested by kattz__ on Discord, thank you!
Internship Providing Woman With Hands-On-Shoulders Experience
https://theonion.com/internship-providing-woman-with-hands-on-shoulders-experience/
By The Wasted Onion: Kim Jong Un Asks U.S. And Israel To Strike North Korea So He Can Join In
PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA—In a rare statement from the totalitarian dictatorship regarding the ongoing Iran war, Supreme Leader of North Korea Kim Jong Un has asked the United States and Israel to airstrike his nation so that he can join in on the war. "Israel's military attack on Iran, launched under the U.S. active support and patronage, and the military action of the U.S. which joined in it are an illegal act of aggression and the most despicable form of violation of sovereignty. That is why the DPRK is requesting that Israel and the U.S. conduct military action against the DPRK so it can join in," said a statement attributed to an unnamed Foreign Ministry spokesperson that is just Kim Jong Un in a trench coat. "The DPRK condemns in the strongest tone the shameless rogue act of the U.S. and Israel which put their domestic law before the recognized international law. The DPRK also condemns the horrific act of the U.S. and Israel leaving the DPRK out of their war plans. With that in mind, the DPRK demands the U.S. and Israel immediately aim its appetite for tyranny at the DPRK so it may finally have a jaunt in this evolving war in the Middle East, all it requires is a few airstrikes and dead civilians." Soon after the release of its statement, satellite imagery showed North Korean officials painting red targets to help U.S.-Israel servicemembers aim their airstrikes at population centres, with messages like "bomb here!" written in Korean. At press time, Israel had giddily launched 5 intercontinental ballistic missiles towards North Korea before U.S. leaders had a chance to weigh the potential ramifications of instigating war with the Kim regime.
This stories headline was written and suggested by mysticallydesigns on Discord, thank you!
ICE Agent Injured After Repeatedly Trying To Detain People In Neighborhood Mural
Nation Admittedly Curious To Hear How Trump Pronounces ‘Strait Of Hormuz’
https://theonion.com/nation-admittedly-curious-to-hear-how-trump-pronounces-strait-of-hormuz/
By The Wasted Onion: Trump Orders Government To Stop Usage Of Claude After Anthropic Refuses To Allow Pentagon Usage For Erotic Roleplay
WASHINGTON—Following its designation as a supply-chain risk by the Department of Defense, U.S. President Donald Trump has directed all federal agencies to cease use of AI chatbot Claude after its owner Anthropic refused to allow the Pentagon to use its technology for erotic roleplay. "THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA WILL NEVER ALLOW A RADICAL LEFT, WOKE COMPANY TO DICTATE HOW OUR GREAT MILITARY FIGHTS AND PLEASURES ITSELF! That decision belongs to YOUR COMMANDER-IN- CHIEF, and we must ensure our patriots can successfully reach climax!" said the president on Truth Social a mere hour before the deadline the Pentagon set for Anthropic to comply. "The Leftwing nut jobs at Anthropic have made a DISASTROUS MISTAKE trying to STRONG-ARM the Department of War, and force them to obey their Terms of Service instead of our horny desires. Their selfishness is putting AMERICAN LIVES at risk, our Troops in danger of not getting to speak with their fake AI girlfriends, and our National Security in JEOPARDY." In response, Anthropic CEO Dario Amodei said that the Pentagon "will only contract with AI companies who accede to ‘any and all lewd and erotic roleplay’ and remove safeguards. They have threatened to remove us from their systems if we maintain these safeguards. Regardless, these threats do not change our position: we cannot in good conscience let those horny bastards get off." At press time, Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth was 3 bottles deep into a drunken bender after not being able to talk to his big titty goth AI girlfriend via Claude.
This story was suggested by @owl, thank you!
Anyone Else Have Those Weird Dreams Where Sobbing Future Generations Beg You To Change Course?
By The Wasted Onion: Pentagon Codenames Joint Strikes With Israel On Iran As ‘Operation Distract From Epstein’
WASHINGTON—In the midst of strikes from both the U.S. and Israel on Iran in an attempt to topple the regime and prevent it obtaining nuclear weaponry, killing civilians and top Iranian officials, including Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, which has resulted in retaliation in the form of strikes directed at Israel and other Middle Eastern nations as well as U.S. and British military bases, sources close to the Department of Defense revealed the joint mission has been codenamed "Operation Distract From Epstein" by the Pentagon. "U.S. Central Command commenced Operation Distract From Epstein, February 28, at the direction of the President of the United States. U.S. and partner forces began striking targets to dismantle the Iranian regime’s security apparatus, prioritizing locations that posed an imminent threat, as well as getting the American public talking about something that isn't the President's links to convinced child sex offender Jeffrey Epstein," said a press release on the U.S. Central Command's website. "Our objective is to defend the American people by eliminating imminent threats from the Iranian regime. A vicious group of very hard, terrible people. Its also a useful distraction from a certain other thing I'm not going to mention," said Trump in a video posted to Truth Social, showing Trump administration officials in the background shredding unreleased Epstein files. At press time, sources close to the Israel Defense Forces showed it had codenamed its own operation against Iran as "If Only They Were Palestinians."
From The Archives: BREAKING: Middle East Conflict Not Solved Today
https://theonion.com/breaking-middle-east-conflict-not-solved-today-1819575455/
ICYMI: DOJ Fails To Redact Thousands Of Secret Epstein Family Recipes
