Welcome to the official page of The Wasted Onion, The Only News Source. We post the most important and trustworthy journalism that shines light in the dark halls of power and asks the tough questions. They say “Democracy Dies in Darkness,” we say “Hey, We’ll Totally Trade You This Democracy That’s Collecting Dust in Our Attic for a $100 Amazon Gift Card.”
The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
By The Wasted Onion: Joe Biden Sneaks Back Into White House Under ‘Job Iden’ Pseudonym
WASHINGTON—In a elaborate scheme to reclaim the presidency for himself, former U.S. President Joe Biden snuck back into the White House Monday using a disguise and "Job Iden" pseudonym. "Hello Mr. President! I am Job Iden. Now my friend, I'm here on some very important business that I believe a skilled businessman like yourself will find of utmost interest! I hope I can interest you in brain-enhancement supplements? I know you're already a clever clogs, but trust me my friend, this lovely little pill can make that big beautiful brain of yours even bigger!" said Joe Biden while wearing a disguise consisting of a big moustache and top hat. "I like this guy, very smart. I'd say he's almost the smartest man I've met if I hadn't met myself! And I do have amazing brain health - reportedly the best health of any president in history - its true, that's what they say, the doctors, who give me MRI's all the time. You want to know why? It's because they're trying to figure out what makes me so healthy - ‘oh please, Mr. President, how are you so fit and healthy? We don't understand Mr. Trump’ - that's what the doctors say. So yes, Mr. Job, I'd like some of your brian [sic] pills," said President Trump moments before Biden’s fake moustache fell off due to the adhesive failing, to which Vice President JD Vance reportedly screamed "wait a minute, that's Joe Biden!" in a high pitched girly voice. According to inside sources, Biden said "Oh well, gotta run, see ya later, jack!" before making his escape while Trump administration aides shook their heads at the embarrassing incident. "That was a close call, Mr. President," said the newest aide according to reports, which was actually just former Vice President Kamala Harris wearing a big cartoon wig.
This stories concept was adapted from a Tumblr post suggested by @awestruckrevival, thank you!
God Informs Humanity Choking People Meant To Die
https://theonion.com/god-informs-humanity-choking-people-meant-to-die/
By The Wasted Onion: ICE Says Minneapolis Man Wouldn't Have Been Shot Dead If He Just Simply Wasn't Born
MINNEAPOLIS, MN—In the aftermath of a second fatal shooting by the hand of an Immigration and Customs Enforcement agent, this time of 37-year-old Minneapolis resident and U.S. citizen Alex Pretti, sparking renewed outrage and huge protests across the nation, ICE has issued a statement saying that Mr. Pretti would not have been shot if he simply was just never born. "The man now identified as the domestic terrorist and leftist agitator Alex Pretti would never have gotten himself shot by our patriotic and heroic agents if he simply just were never born in the first place," said Border Patrol Commander Gregory Bovino while sporting a fake moustache that resembled that of Adolf Hitler. "It is very simple, as long as you are never conceived, then you will not impede the federal governments operations across the nation to remove illegal aliens and keep Americans safe. However, if you are born, then tough luck hot shot, you're on the chopping block of our government sanctioned death squad full of untrained, braindead simpletons who value life so lowly that they legitimately think this is ‘Call of Duty’ in real life." In a press briefing following the incident, Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem said that Mr. Pretti, a ICU nurse at a Veterans Affairs hospital, was "the most horrific kind of evil. A person who tried to make the world a better place," before proceeding to laugh manically as her eyes turned red. At press time, Democrats warned ICE and Trump administration officials it would be handing them a "strongly worded" letter that demands ICE to pinkie-promise to kill people a little less frequently.
Via ClickHole: Innovation FTW! American Standard Toilets Will Now Come With A Third Flush Button Option For Flushing Yourself Down The Toilet
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: New Clause In Updated Scratch Terms Of Service Says Scratch Team Has Full Rights To Your Soul
ICYMI: Nation Yearns For Relative Calm Of ‘President A Giant Pedophile’ News Cycle
https://theonion.com/nation-yearns-for-relative-calm-of-president-a-giant-pedophile-news-cycle/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Trump Confuses Greenland For Iceland, Finland, Ireland, Northern Ireland, Switzerland, Poland, Scotland, Netherlands, Thailand, England, New Zealand In Single Sentence
Trump Boys Put Nobel Peace Prize In Microwave
https://theonion.com/trump-boys-put-nobel-peace-prize-in-microwave/
By The Wasted Onion: Trump Announces Engagement To Mark Carney With Wedding To Be Held In Upcoming Trump Land Theme Park
WASHINGTON—Sharing the bombshell news to his social media platform Thursday, U.S. President Donald Trump has announced he is now engaged to Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney, adding that the wedding will be held at the presidents upcoming Trump Land theme park. "Based upon a very productive meeting that I have had with the Prime Minister of Canada, Mark Carney, we have formed the framework of a future marriage with an engagement, with the ceremony taking place at TRUMP LAND! This marriage, if consummated, will be a great one for the United States of America, and all NATO Nations. Based upon this understanding, I will not be imposing the Tariffs that were scheduled to go into effect on February 1st. Additional discussions are being held concerning who gets to wear the dress," said a portion of a lengthy post made by the president to his Truth Social account. "My friend, I would like to congratulate you on your engagement to the Canadian PM. Let us try to build great things : i can set up a meeting in Paris on friday afternoon. I can invite the ukrainians, the danish, the syrians and the russians so they can help arrange the wedding at trump land," read a text message sent by French President Emmanuel Macron to Trump which the latter posted onto social media. Trump administration officials signalled in multiple interviews on Fox News and various podcasts hosted by complete fuckwits that the marriage would signal the U.S. and Canada becoming a single nation. At press time, Carney responded to the news of the engagement with bafflement, stating "I didn't agree to this, and I would never marry Trump, just look at how miserable Melania is."
This stories headline was dreamt and suggested by @leblankr, thank you!
Democrats Condemn ICE For Murdering Without Proper Warrants
https://theonion.com/democrats-condemn-ice-for-murdering-without-proper-warrants/
Scientists Witness 2 Dogs Mating For First Time
https://theonion.com/scientists-witness-2-dogs-mating-for-first-time/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: @JoshAtticus Announces They Have Enough Robux To Purchase ‘Shake That Thang’ Roblox Emote Thanks To Donations
This special report was requested by @owl, thank you!
By The Wasted Onion: The Wasted Onion Celebrates 1 Year On Wasteof By Donating $1 Tim Hortons Gift Card To Jeffalo
INVERNESS, SCOTLAND—Marking a year since The Only News Source joined the social media site, The Wasted Onion has announced it will donate a $1 Tim Hortons gift card to wasteof.money owner Jeffalo. "The last year for us has been one of our best in our 291 year history. Thanks to our expansion into the smuggling of fentanyl, as well as The Wasted Onion joining wasteof. We've now reached over 1 trillion people on there alone with our beautiful and arousing journalism, making us a conservative £1 quadrillion. To celebrate a year on the platform, I have personally sent one of my many hitmen to hand the sites owner Jeffalo a Tim Hortons gift card with a cash value of CA$1," said Wasted Company CEO Clef Bozos at the publications uranium enrichment laboratory. "I'm sure it will be put to good use by Jeffalo, he can get himself a very lovely coffee and smile knowing he is saving a dollar all thanks to the generosity of us here at The Wasted Onion and Canada's most prestigious chain coffeehouse brand." Mr. Bozos commended The Wasted Onion newsroom for posting at least once every single day to wasteof in 2025, strangling an assistant who mentioned the publication technically missed a few days due to outages on the social media site. At press time, The Wasted Company announced it overestimated its profits of over £1 quadrillion, realising it was more or less £0, resulting in the company begging Jeffalo to return the Tim Hortons gift card to keep the company afloat.
Thank you for 1 year of The Wasted Onion! I hope you’re enjoying it as much I enjoy making it - da-ta/Auriali
All I Ever Wanted Is To Be A Musician And For Music To Be Easy
https://theonion.com/all-i-ever-wanted-is-to-be-a-musician-and-for-music-to-be-easy/
By The Wasted Onion: Heartwarming: Local White Woman Learns How To Use Chopsticks
TOPEKA, KS—In a moment she described as "joyous" Monday, local white woman Loretta Taylor finally learnt how to properly use chopsticks. "I felt quite a lot of achievement honestly, I've tried to understand how to use chopsticks for years, but I've always had to give up and just start stabbing to eat my sweet and sour chicken in a reasonable amount of time," said Miss. Taylor in a local Chinese restaurant she reportedly frequents where she also practices on improving her Mandarin that she's been "learning from Duolingo," according to her girlfriend. "I don't even know how it happened, but something must've clicked. I was struggling to eat a chow mein and then boom! I suddenly just got it, I can grasp the noodles like its nothing! As I said I'm pretty proud of myself, my girlfriend was even like ‘you finally did it, you dumbass.’" Fellow white diners at the restaurant reportedly clapped when Miss. Taylor successfully learnt to use the chopsticks, yearning to be able to do it just like she could at some point in their futures. When asked what she hoped to master next, Miss. Taylor said she hoped to learn how to pronounce "char siu" correctly.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @juniperrr, thank you!
