Welcome to the official page of The Wasted Onion, The Only News Source. We post the most important and trustworthy journalism that shines light in the dark halls of power and asks the tough questions. They say “Democracy Dies in Darkness”, we say “Hey, We’ll Totally Trade You This Democracy That’s Collecting Dust in Our Attic for a $100 Amazon Gift Card”.
The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
Man Who Bumped Tesla While Parallel Parking Sentenced To Death
https://theonion.com/man-who-bumped-tesla-while-parallel-parking-sentenced-to-death/
The Doctors Telling Us Not To Drink Our Urine Probably Just Want It For Themselves
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Prices At Trump Merch Store Set To Triple Because Of Tariffs
NEW YORK—In response to sweeping tariffs rocking markets worldwide imposed by President Donald Trump, the Trump Store has announced prices of Trump merchandise will triple. “After assessing the potential impact of tariffs and evolving market conditions, we have made the difficult decision to increase our prices,” said Trump Organization spokesperson Mia Karnow at a press event outside Trump Tower. “While we understand the frustration many customers may feel, we are dedicated to providing President Trump’s merchandise at the fairest price possible. From world-famous Make America Great Again hats, to the renowned Trump body pillow.” Karnow added that price increases were due to 46% tariffs imposed on imports from Vietnam and difficulties finding children poor enough to work in manufacturing the merchandise. Concluding the press event, Mrs. Karnow announced that JD Vance branded couches sold on the Trump Store would now be sold at a 99% discount.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!
Via ClickHole: Fascinating: The ‘Little Boy’ Who Elon Musk Keeps Bringing To Meetings At The White House Is Actually His Grandfather, Not His Son
From The Archives: Economists Warn Americans That Money Withering To Ash In Their Hands Could Be Sign Of Recession
https://theonion.com/economists-warn-americans-that-money-withering-to-ash-i-1844931114/
Trump Assures Wall Street He’ll Go Back To Just Fucking Over Poor People Soon
https://theonion.com/trump-assures-wall-street-hell-go-back-to-just-fucking-over-poor-people-soon/
Special Report Via The Hard Times: Epstein Island Only Place Unaffected By Trump Tariffs
https://thehardtimes.net/culture/epstein-island-only-place-unaffected-by-trump-tariffs/
Israel Claims Slain Palestinian Rescue Workers Didn’t Properly Identify Selves As Human Beings
Washington Monument Collapses After Someone Pulls Loose Block
https://theonion.com/washington-monument-collapses-after-someone-pulls-loose-block/
Attorney General Seeks Death Penalty For All UnitedHealthcare Customers
https://theonion.com/attorney-general-seeks-death-penalty-for-all-unitedhealthcare-customers/
Statement From Clef Bozos, CEO Of The Wasted Onion: As many of you may have noticed today, The Wasted Onion posted an article that could be deemed as so-called “real news”. To be clear, our award-winning newsroom for the highest number of human rights violations made no mistake, rather, we felt an obligation to promote the work of lesser news organisations like The Associated Press. With a daily readership of 6.7 trillion, The Wasted Onion eclipses any and all other feeble members of the press, due to this, we know that the only way they can sustain themselves is suckling from the teat of The Only News Source. Under my leadership since 1856, The Wasted Onion has grown from being a mere news empire to owning all former colonies of the British Empire. I tout this success to our ruthless campaign lobbying all world governments to repeal all anti-monopoly legislation so we could conquer not just the news business, but business itself. We hope that our kind gesture to the flailing Associated Press will help them keep the lights on for another month, so we can finalise our hostile takeover and turn them into a sports betting platform based out of the Cayman Islands. For The Wasted Onion, its regular news-based assault on all of your senses will continue today, but never forget when we turned our gaze towards our pathetic peers for a flicker in time.
Trump says he’s considering ways to serve a third term as president
Special Report: Trump Says He Won’t Rule Out Third Reich
https://theonion.com/trump-says-he-wont-rule-out-third-reich/
Man Spends Afternoon Volunteering Opinions About The Homeless
https://theonion.com/man-spends-afternoon-volunteering-opinions-about-the-homeless/
ICYMI: Democrats Huddle To Decide How Best To Let Massive Republican Fuck-Up Slip Through Fingers
