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The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
By The Wasted Onion: ‘I Am The Alpha. You Are The Betas,’ Says Gen Alpha Toddler In Nursery Of Gen Beta Toddlers
LEICESTER, ENGLAND—Crawling atop a box of LEGO bricks to assert dominance amongst his fellow classmates, 3-year-old gen alpha toddler Nathan Brandol reportedly said “I am the alpha. You are the betas,” in his nursery class of gen beta toddlers. “Me is the dominant, you is the submissives. You blue pilled, me red pilled. Me is sigma male, you is cucks,” said the young boy according to eyewitness accounts, while reportedly also babbling and giggling when any noise was made in the colourful classroom scattered with toys and copies of The Matrix brought by Mr. Brandol in his Paw Patrol backpack. “I’ve been doing word searches with Nathan to help him with his spelling and I was quite surprised when he spelt out ‘women like you belong in the kitchen’ by circling the letters in order while staring at me,” said Nursery teacher Emma Farrow to The Wasted Onion’s UK education editor Reporty McJournface. According to further witnesses present at the scene, Mr. Brandol later on in the day attempted to assert his perceived gen alpha dominance over his gen beta classmates by shitting his pants and screaming “censor this snowflakes!” before returning to his iPad to watch Andrew Tate alpha male training videos with Baby Shark playing in the background.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @late, thank you!
Rusted Qatari Plane Sitting On Blocks On White House Lawn
https://theonion.com/rusted-qatari-plane-sitting-on-blocks-on-white-house-lawn/
Grade School’s Gifted Program Admits Kids Who Can Emotionally Handle Time Away From iPad
By The Wasted Onion: Political Wasteof Fan Accounts Taken To Live Peaceful Drama-Free Life On Farm Upstate
DIXON, MO—Making a strongly worded statement on a recent policy change, wasteof owner Jeffalo announced Tuesday morning that accounts cheerleading political parties and economic philosophies will be taken to live a peaceful drama-free life on a farm upstate. “We’re now sending political sock puppet accounts to a beautiful, picturesque farm in Missouri so that they may find inner peace,” said the post in part. “I have found refuge in this PATRIOTIC scenery to escape the clutches of the WOKE MOB!” The owner of the Republicans account said in a letter written in crayon to The Wasted Onion. In another letter, the owner of the Democrats account stated that “I am so happy being here, I haven’t had to listen to losers explain why sending bombs used on Gaza was a bad look, RESULT!” According to reports, the owner of the socialism account had taken up knitting, sharing the means of production with others on the farm and selling items to visitors. At press time, further reports suggested the owner of the capitalism account had begun efforts to privatise the farms knitted goods business, writing in a letter that they wished to create a “company that wins on its merits in the marketplace,” while announcing a monthly subscription service that gives consumers legal permission to wear the garments purchased on the farm.
This story was suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!
‘Advertising Doesn’t Work On Me,’ Says Chosen One Who Will Lead Humanity Out Of Dark Age Of Commercialism
By The Wasted Onion: Republicans And Democrats Wasteof Accounts Duke It Out For Coveted ‘Biggest Dweeb’ Award
THE INTERNET—Lashing out at each other with screenshots of news articles with no sources over which political party was more incapable of running the world’s wealthiest country, wasteof fan accounts Republicans and Democrats began fighting a war of words Monday in an effort to be honoured with the platform's “Biggest Dweeb” award. “The LAME-OCRATS and WOKE liberal media would have you believe that KRINGE KAMALA would be a better president than TRUMP! They/them are WRONG! Trump has already done so much for this country unlike SLEEPY JOE,” read a message by the Republicans account, marking a strong start which could win them the award for being completely and utterly batshit weird. “Oh yeah? Well we have facts on our side! You guys have already caused an economic crash and brought back measles. And that reminds me, please remember to DONATE to our fight to wag our fingers at every bad thing Trump is doing! It’s vital you give us your fucking goddamn money, we have THE RIZZ guys,” said a reply from Democrats, which shot the account into the lead after a spike in hospitalisations due to users gritting their teeth to dust from profusely wincing. At press time, when asked by a fellow wasteof user if either of them think their respective parties should refuse money from lobbying groups, both accounts replied “Hell fucking no, give them that sweet moolah” simultaneously.
Via The Shovel: World Running Out of Euphemisms for Genocide in Gaza, UN Warns
https://theshovel.com.au/2025/05/20/world-running-out-of-euphemisms-for-genocide-in-gaza-un/
ICYMI: Biden Faces Mounting Pressure To Let Younger Democrat Battle Cancer
https://theonion.com/biden-faces-mounting-pressure-to-let-younger-democrat-battle-cancer/
By The Wasted Onion: Jeffalo Says His Favourite Person To Ban Is Himself To Remember How Much Power He Has
Ashamed Woman Hiding Interest In Country Music Like It Hentai
https://theonion.com/ashamed-woman-hiding-interest-in-country-music-like-it-hentai/
By The Wasted Onion: Israel Sends Singular Snickers Bar Into Gaza
GAZA CITY, GAZA—Reacting to pressure from the UN, aid agencies, and countries across the world of its blockade of food and other essential aid which has resulted in a hunger crisis amongst the enclave’s population, Israel has sent a delivery of a single Snickers bar into Gaza. “We recognise that we cannot allow famine to begin, so we have taken action to immediately send in a standard size 41.7 gram Snickers chocolate bar,” said Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu in a video posted Friday morning. “This will ensure that those in Gaza don’t die of starvation too fast and will keep everyone off our backs, because wow you guys are annoying.” Footage of an aid truck carrying the sole confectionery taken from a multipack into Gaza emerged hours after the announcement. At press time, reports suggested the Israeli PM had spoken with President Trump in the hopes of getting a fresh arms deal, suggesting that missiles could be used to create plentiful amounts of food with fresh Palestinian corpses.
Trump Shares Own Experiences As Victim Of White Genocide
https://theonion.com/trump-shares-own-experiences-as-victim-of-white-genocide/
Faithful Dog Refuses To Move From Spot Where He Killed Beloved Owner
https://theonion.com/faithful-dog-refuses-to-move-from-spot-where-he-killed-beloved-owner/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Republicans Wasteof Account Shares Post Warning Others About Meaning Of Number 69
By The Wasted Onion: JD Vance Releases Debut Kawaii Metal Album Under ‘DJ Vance’ Pseudonym
