Welcome to the official page of The Wasted Onion, The Only News Source. We post the most important and trustworthy journalism that shines light in the dark halls of power and asks the tough questions. They say “Democracy Dies in Darkness,” we say “Hey, We’ll Totally Trade You This Democracy That’s Collecting Dust in Our Attic for a $100 Amazon Gift Card.”
The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
Study Finds Most Americans Can’t Find Where They Are Being Deported On Map
https://theonion.com/study-finds-most-americans-cant-find-where-they-are-being-deported-on-map/
By The Wasted Onion: Tame Impala Concert Goers Confused Why More Than One Guy On Stage
INGLEWOOD, CA—Baffled and confused as the Australian psychedelic music project began to perform, attendees to Tame Impala’s Deadbeat Tour at the Kia Forum Tuesday were confused to see more than one guy on stage. “I’m honestly just so distraught, all the memes on the internet told me that Tame Impala is ‘just one guy,’ and then I came to see them live for the first time just to discover there are like 6 other dudes alongside Kevin Parker playing his tunes. Now I know why there’s a song called ‘Loser’ on the new album, it's because we’re all losers for thinking Tame Impala was just one guy,” said concert goer Mike Grey during the band's performance of “Turn Up The Sunshine” from the Minions: The Rise of Gru soundtrack featuring a Madame Tussauds waxwork of Diana Ross stood beside Kevin Parker as he sang. “I’m shocked. You’re telling me Kevin Parker doesn’t play all of the instruments to ‘Let It Happen’ at once? He gets other guys to play with him? I thought he had like, tendrils like an eldritch horror out of some lovecraftian work that allowed him to wield every single instrument at once. Or at the very least I thought he’d have tamed impalas playing with him and not just some other random Australian guys,” said another attendee to the show Martha Wanton as she threw her Currents vinyl at the stage in contempt. Before departing the stage after the show, Kevin Parker made an unintelligible statement that experts at The Wasted Onion believe could be a rudimentary and simplistic language known as “Australian.” At press time, attendees to Radiohead’s Europe tour at the Movistar Arena in Madrid were surprised to discover the band was actually composed of frontman Thom Yorke and 4 other identical clones all frantically gyrating around the stage as they performed “The Gloaming” from the band's album Hail to the Thief.
By The Wasted Onion: BBC Director General And Head Of News Resign After Learning What Acronym Stands For
WESTMINSTER, LONDON—Signalling the beginnings of a major crisis at the publicly owned broadcaster, BBC Director General Tim Davie and CEO of BBC News Deborah Turness resigned Sunday after learning what the corporation's acronym stands for. “Like all public organisations, the BBC is not perfect, and we must always be open, transparent and accountable. While not being the only reason, the current debate around what this corporation's acronym stands for has understandably contributed to my decision. Overall the BBC is delivering well, but there have been some very weird and uncomfortable conversations regarding what ‘BBC’ stands for and as director general I have to take ultimate responsibility,” said Tim Davie’s statement in part. “I have taken the difficult decision that it will no longer be my role to lead you in the collective vision that we all have: to pursue new ways to shoehorn articles about ‘The Traitors.’ The ongoing controversy around what ‘BBC’ stands for has reached a stage where it is causing damage to the BBC – an institution that I love almost as much as I love The Wasted Onion. As the CEO of BBC News and Current Affairs, the buck stops with me - and I took the decision to offer my resignation to the Director-General last night - only to find out the bastard beat me to the punch,” said a statement from Deborah Turness posted to the Cbeebies section of the BBC website. Shortly after news broke of Mr. Davie’s resignation, a spokesperson for the BBC said the broadcaster was “deeply sorry” that the public had to learn what their acronym stood for this way, assuring that it was "committed to representing those of all sizes.” At press time, Britons were surprised to discover that Tim Davie claiming in his resignation statement that he was “BBC through and through,” was real and not a fake quote written by The Wasted Onion.
Study: Practicing Kung Fu Naked In Mirror Best Indicator Of Being Domestic Terrorist
The Wasted Onion Magazine: ‘If At First You Don’t Succeed, Do The Same Shit Again Until You Go Mad’: Kamala Harris On Running For President Again In 2028
ICYMI: White House Maid Shrieks After Spotting Melania On Ceiling
https://theonion.com/white-house-maid-shrieks-after-spotting-melania-on-ceiling/
By The Wasted Onion: Cuomo To Establish Government On Staten Island With Goal Of Reclaiming New York City
STATEN ISLAND, NY—Picking himself up after losing the New York City mayoral election to Zohran Mamdani, former New York Governor Andrew Cuomo says he plans to establish a government on Staten Island with the eventual goal to reclaim New York City. “The mainland of New York City has fallen to the socialist extremist Zohran Mamdani. I have rapidly made my escape and fled to Staten Island for refuge. However, I am undeterred. Today, I am announcing that I will establish a new government on Staten Island, free of communist and socialist tyrants. In time we will begin the challenge of reclaiming New York City from socialist rule and restore the city to its former glory," said Cuomo before also adding that he planned to rename Staten Island to Cuomostan. “It seems Andrew Cuomo has not gotten the message from New Yorkers. So I will reiterate it - you are not wanted here, New York has rejected your policies and wish that would respect that decision as we enter the transition period. To reassure everyone who calls this city home; I promise to purge and root out the Cuomintang here on the New York mainland, nor will I allow Cuomostan to invade and overthrow our democratically elected administration,” said Mayor-elect Zohran Mamdani in a statement. Soon after Cuomo announced his plans to form Cuomostan, New York Mayor Eric Adams was heard yelling “Adamsland here I come!” before beginning to swim from Fort Hamilton towards Staten Island. At press time, Cuomo started to lay out his policies for a new government on Staten Island, such as a law that legalised sexual harassment and sexual assault.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @juniperrr, thank you!
ICYMI: Trump Writes Netanyahu Strongly Worded Check
https://theonion.com/trump-writes-netanyahu-strongly-worded-check/
By The Wasted Onion: Trump Signs Executive Order Prohibiting Deportation Of ‘Big Booty Latinos’
WASHINGTON—Claiming that it was “beautiful” as he scribbled his signature onto the document in the Oval Office, U.S. President Donald Trump signed an executive order Friday to prohibit further deportations of “big booty latinos” by ICE. “These illegal aliens are invading our neighbourhoods, eating our pets, killing your neighbours, taking your jobs, fucking your wives behind your backs, it's true, many people are saying it. We’re going to deport the lot, each single illegal will be sent home. However, those gorgeous latinos with big dumptruck asses get to stay, I like them very much,” said the president as he salivated onto his desk. “I’m thinking about it now, all those beautiful big booty latino ladies, it’s what I think about a lot really. It’s great that they will now get to stay, so I can keep looking at their big bubbly booties. Those losers in the Democrat party would never appreciate latinos with big butts like I do. I’m well known as the president for bigger butts.” According to the executive order, latino immigrants will have the size of their buttocks inspected by the president to determine if they can be considered a “big booty latino” and be immune from deportation. At press time, Democrats criticised the president and the executive order, claiming that those with big booties of other ethnicities should be included and safe from deportation, appealing to Trump by claiming that “a great president gawks and gropes the big butts of any and all kinds of identities, not just those of latinos.”
This stories headline was written and suggested by @owl, thank you!
‘Shut Up, Mother! Shut Up!’ Pleads George W. Bush To Dick Cheney Skeleton Dressed In Suit
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Poll Shows That 37% Of Americans Still Think Obama Is Causing All Their Problems
This special report was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!
I Bet Pedro Pascal Hates Parasocial Relationships
https://theonion.com/i-bet-pedro-pascal-hates-parasocial-relationships/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Zohran Mamdani Wins U.S. Presidential Election
Trump Imposes 25% Tariff On Chinese-Made Trump Products
https://theonion.com/trump-imposes-25-tariff-on-chinese-made-trump-products/
