Welcome to the official page of The Wasted Onion, The Only News Source. We post the most important and trustworthy journalism that shines light in the dark halls of power and asks the tough questions. They say “Democracy Dies in Darkness,” we say “Hey, We’ll Totally Trade You This Democracy That’s Collecting Dust in Our Attic for a $100 Amazon Gift Card.”
The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Blaze To Leak Your Personal Information During Bankruptcy Shutdown
By The Wasted Onion: White House Backs Plans To Install Margaret Thatcher As Leader Of Gaza
WASHINGTON—Sharing details of a meeting with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu Tuesday, the White House has backed a peace plan in which former British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher would be installed as leader of Gaza. ”Today me and Bibi are putting forth a big, beautiful plan that will end the death and destruction we have seen over the last 2 or so years in Gaza, it's a fair and powerful 20 point deal. To ensure the success of this effort, my plan calls for a new international oversight body, the Board of Peace, which will be headed, at my request, by a famously dead lady known as Margaret Thatcher of the United Kingdom, who will lead New Gaza as its leader from the grave,” said Trump at a press conference with Netanyahu standing beside him while shedding a singular tear. “I support your plan to end the war in Gaza, which achieves our war aims. Hamas will be disarmed. Gaza will be demilitarised. Israel will retain security responsibility, including a security perimeter, for the foreseeable future. And lastly, Gaza will have a peaceful, civilian administration that is run by the dead bitch that is Margaret Thatcher,” said Netanyahu in praise of the president's potential peace plan. Speaking through a ouija board, Thatcher thanked Trump and Netanyahu for the opportunity to bring peace and misery to the people of Gaza that is so depressing that they will be “begging to just get bombed everyday again.” At press time, the IDF confirmed that missiles used to conduct an airstrike soon after the press conference killing 45 people in Gaza had “iron lady” inscribed on it.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!
Indiana Offers Tax Breaks To Attract Religious Doomsday Cults
https://theonion.com/indiana-offers-tax-breaks-to-attract-religious-doomsday-cults/
ICE Confirms Agents Do Not Have Faces Beneath Masks
https://theonion.com/ice-confirms-agents-do-not-have-faces-beneath-masks/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Report: FBI To Categorise Trans People As ‘Not Oppressed Or Scared For Their Lives Enough’
Via The Shovel: Netanyahu Discovers Bombing He Doesn’t Enjoy
https://theshovel.com.au/2025/09/27/netanyahu-discovers-bombing-he-doesnt-enjoy/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Study: Average Person Will Randomly Kill About 7 Wasteof Or Darflen Users In Their Lifetime
By The Wasted Onion: Trump Jailed For Crimes, Ghislaine Maxwell Released From Prison, Running For Office
BRYAN, TX—Leaving a power vacuum in Washington D.C. and triggering an early election, former U.S. President Donald Trump has been sentenced to 20 years in jail, with former socialite, convicted sex offender and Jeffery Epstein associate Ghislaine Maxwell being released from prison and announcing her candidacy for president. “Today as I stand before you all as a free woman, ready to make this nation the envy of the world and restore it to its former glory, I, Ghislaine Maxwell, am announcing my candidacy for president of the United States of America. Let’s make America groomed again!” said Maxwell outside Federal Prison Camp in which she was released from mere moments prior, with Donald Trump being dragged in by his swollen legs. “It will be the honour of my life to be the first female president in United States history, as well as the first convicted sex offender to be president, and of course the second convicted felon too. I will do great things, such as lowering the age of consent to at least 8, maybe even 6 if I'm feeling extra depraved that day. Vote for Ghislaine to make sex offending cool again!" Trump was sentenced after being convicted of 34 counts of falsifying business records to cover up hush money payments to pornographic film actress Stormy Daniels, as well as hush money given to Rudy Giuliani for sexual encounters the men had. At press time, former Secretary of State and First Lady Hillary Clinton was seen shaking her fist into the sky, proclaiming “why didn’t I go on Jeffery’s plane with Bill? I might have won the 2016 election if I did!”
This stories headline was written and suggested by @juniperrr, thank you!
ICYMI: Limbless, Slippery RFK Jr.: ‘Becoming An Eel Is A Sign Of Good Health’
https://theonion.com/limbless-slippery-rfk-jr-becoming-an-eel-is-a-sign-of-good-health/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: UN Delegates Walk Out During Netanyahu Speech Due To Him Not Wearing Deodorant, Smelling Like Shit
Talk Of Fascism Dangerous, Warns Ministry Of Compliance
https://theonion.com/talk-of-fascism-dangerous-warns-ministry-of-compliance/
By The Wasted Onion: Wasteof Purchased By Warner Bros. Discovery, Immediately Shut Down For Tax Write-Off
MANHATTAN, NY—Announcing its latest acquisition to add to its already expansive corporate portfolio, Warner Bros. Discovery has purchased social media site wasteof.money before immediately shuttering it for a tax write-off. “We are very excited to announce that wasteof.money will be joining the Warner Bros. Discovery family, after what were quick negotiations with its previous owner, we have acquired a controlling stake in the website, with plans to immediately shut the whole thing down so we can give ourselves a big ol’ fat tax write-off,” said Warner Bros. Discovery CEO David Zaslav in an investors call Thursday. “Now, we know what many of you will be wondering, what the fuck is wasteof.money? And to be honest, I haven’t got a goddamn clue, but what matters is that we can get a lovely tax write-off from buying whatever in the loving fuck this damn thing even is.” While not providing an explicit reason for the closing of wasteof other than a tax write-off, rumours began circling that the reason could have to do with wasteof user @Burrito’s posts, which struck the fear of God into Warner Bros. Discovery executives, giving the conglomerate more ammunition for the shuttering of the platform. At press time, leaked documents revealed that Warner Bros. Discovery had paid the previous wasteof owner Jeffalo around CHF 5 to acquire the site.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @kiwi, thank you!
Trump To Travel With Own Escalator Following U.N. Embarrassment
https://theonion.com/trump-to-travel-with-own-escalator-following-u-n-embarrassment/
By The Wasted Onion: Kiwi-Late Administration Scientists Discover Link Between Tylenol, Model Train Set Sales
THE INTERNET—Sharing bombshell new findings after a "rigorous" scientific research process funded by the Crack House, Kiwi-Late Administration scientists have discovered a link between the use of Tylenol and model train set sales. “After a rigorous and time-consuming scientific study funded by the Crack House for $5, our administration scientists have found a conclusive link between Tylenol and an increase in sales of model train sets,” said Secretary of Health and Human Services Radi8 while President Kiwi and Vice President Late stood at either side of them doing Fortnite dances. “Hey, Radi8, you’re doing a great job, but just so you guys know, I’m the one who found the $5 to fund this study, so, y’know, you’re welcome! I actually found that $5 tucked between the couch cushions in the Oval Office, maybe Auriali accidentally left it there, or maybe it's a parting gift. Either way, science!” said the President after pushing Radi8 to the ground. When asked by a reporter how Tylenol, which is the same as paracetamol/acetaminophen, could be linked to an increase in model train set sales, the president and vice president dabbed in unison before proclaiming they were “dab[bing] on the haters.” At press time, Kenvue, owners of Tylenol, was reportedly assembling its legal department to sue the Crack House for the announcement, with insiders claiming Kenvue lawyers were rubbing their hands together with money symbols in their eyes.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @kiwi, thank you!
