Welcome to the official page of The Wasted Onion, The Only News Source. We post the most important and trustworthy journalism that shines light in the dark halls of power and asks the tough questions. They say “Democracy Dies in Darkness,” we say “Hey, We’ll Totally Trade You This Democracy That’s Collecting Dust in Our Attic for a $100 Amazon Gift Card.”
Find more kick-ass journalism at our website: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/
The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
Nation’s 93-Year-Olds Announce Plan To Crash Car Into Side Of Bank
https://theonion.com/nations-93-year-olds-announce-plan-to-crash-car-into-side-of-bank/
Math Teacher’s Duplex Too Depressing To TP
https://theonion.com/math-teachers-duplex-too-depressing-to-tp/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Taylor Swift Releases Number One Single #475
https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/special/taylor-swift-releases-number-one-single-475/
ICYMI: Glamour Of Lamborghini Negated By Indiana Plates
https://theonion.com/glamour-of-lamborghini-negated-by-indiana-plates/
By The Wasted Onion: Ed Sheeran's Guitar Withdraws From His U.S. Tour
FOXBOROUGH, MA—In the latest blow to the singer's ongoing stadium trek, Ed Sheeran's acoustic guitar announced Friday that it has decided to withdraw from his U.S. Loop Tour, following a mass exodus of support acts who dropped out in solidarity with Macklemore.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/ed-sheerans-guitar-withdraws-from-his-us-tour/
ICYMI: Princess Diana Releases Bombshell Memoir
By The Wasted Onion: John Ternus Removes RAM From All Apple Products For Shits And Giggles
CUPERTINO, CA—Insisting that the tech giant was taking a "courageous leap into a brave new future" Friday, Apple CEO John Ternus announced that he had personally ordered the removal of all RAM from the company's products lineups for shits and giggles, offering it instead as a $400 optional add-on.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/john-ternus-removes-ram-from-all-apple-products-for-shits-and-giggles/
This stories headline was written and suggested by @joshatticus, thank you!
Kash Patel Phished By Scammer Posing As Kash Patel
https://theonion.com/kash-patel-phished-by-scammer-posing-as-kash-patel/
Xi Jinping Impressed With How Much Trump’s English Has Improved Since Last Visit
By The Wasted Onion: Angry Birds Enter Rehab For Crippling Gambling Addictions
BIRD VILLAGE, BIRD ISLAND—Recognising that their high-velocity projectile careers and families were hanging by a thread, several of the most recognisable Angry Birds checked into a rehabilitation clinic Wednesday to treat their debilitating gambling addictions.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/angry-birds-enter-rehab-for-crippling-gambling-addictions/
This stories headline was written and suggested by @specialred_, thank you!
Regretful Man Realizes He Would Be Rich By Now If He Had Invested In Rice 7,000 Years Ago
By The Wasted Onion: The Wasted Onion's Graphic Design Department Has Been Locked In In The Office Basement
INVERNESS, SCOTLAND—Citing a noticeable dip in productivity during the current quarterly review Tuesday, The Wasted Onion's graphic design department has been ordered to "lock in" in the office basement by CEO Clef Bozos.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @juni, thank you!
Career-Ending Facebook Comment Double-Checked For Spelling
https://theonion.com/career-ending-facebook-comment-double-checked-for-spelling/
By The Wasted Onion: Experts Discover Yellow River Is Yellow Because Godzilla Pissed In It
BEIJING, CHINA—Answering a geographical mystery that has baffled historians for centuries, researchers at Tsinghua University announced Monday that they have conclusively discovered the Yellow River is yellow because Godzilla pissed in it.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/experts-discover-yellow-river-is-yellow-because-godzilla-pissed-in-it/
This stories headline was written and suggested by mysticallydesigns on Discord, thank you!
NSFW Artist Struggling To Improve On Sexiness Of Regular Muppets
https://theonion.com/nsfw-artist-struggling-to-improve-on-sexiness-of-regular-muppets/
