Welcome to the official page of The Wasted Onion, The Only News Source. We post the most important and trustworthy journalism that shines light in the dark halls of power and asks the tough questions. They say “Democracy Dies in Darkness,” we say “Hey, We’ll Totally Trade You This Democracy That’s Collecting Dust in Our Attic for a $100 Amazon Gift Card.”
Find more kick-ass journalism at our website: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/
The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
By The Wasted Onion: Gianni Infantino Apologises For ‘Errors,’ Vows To Keep Making Them
RABAT, MOROCCO—Following an emergency crisis meeting in which senior executives backed his leadership, FIFA President Gianni Infantino apologised for "errors" made regarding a proposal to secure private investment in FIFA tournaments, vowing that he would make those exact same errors again in the future.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/gianni-infantino-apologises-for-errors-vows-to-keep-making-them/
Study: Explosive Power Of Rocket Launcher Increased 35% By Shouting ‘Suck On This’
https://theonion.com/study-explosive-power-of-rocket-launcher-increased-35-by-shouting-suck-on-this/
By The Wasted Onion: Trump Daydreams About Having Sex With His Underage Self
WASHINGTON—Zoning out during a high-level Pentagon briefing on the ongoing Iran war Wednesday, U.S. President Donald Trump was caught daydreaming about having sex with his underage self.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/trump-daydreams-about-having-sex-with-his-underage-self/
By The Wasted Onion: Man Blinds Himself To Prove Playing Minecraft With Narrator Is Actually Useful
WACO, TX—Attempting to win an argument with his friends on Discord, gamer Ray Summers intentionally blinded himself Tuesday to prove that playing Minecraft with the narrator feature enabled is actually useful.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/man-blinds-himself-to-prove-playing-minecraft-with-narrator-is-actually-useful/
This stories headline was written and suggested by @specialred_, thank you!
Technological Advancements Allow Data Centers To Run On Even More Electricity
https://theonion.com/technological-advancements-allow-data-centers-to-run-on-even-more-electricity/
By The Wasted Onion: Just Stop Oil Protester Cuts Out Middleman, Runs Over Themselves
CITY OF WESTMINSTER, LONDON—Deciding that he have had enough of others using their vehicles to run him down, Isaac Pearson, a member of the environmental activist group Just Stop Oil, cut out the middleman Monday by running himself over with his own car.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/just-stop-oil-protester-cuts-out-middleman-runs-over-themselves/
This stories headline was written and suggested by @apollo, thank you!
By The Wasted Onion: Cat Sits On Wasted Onion Reporter's Keyboard
INVERNESS, SCOTLAND—Causing chaos Sunday in their owner's home, Nibbles, a Siamese house cat owned by Wasted Onion reporter Kyle Doyle, was found sitting on his keyboard while he attempted to write this artickwenpie wnhtipewqnhti pewtiejwip thewithiew ujbpipevivwe ihepwh vt9p0ewhgtiphnbew.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/cat-sits-on-wasted-onion-reporters-keyboard/
This stories concept was suggested by @owl, @apollo, and @specialred_, thank you!
Via The Chaser: Morbius fan unsure if he can seperate the art from the artist
https://chaser.com.au/entertainment/morbius-fan-unsure-if-he-can-seperate-the-art-from-the-artist/
By The Wasted Onion: Scientists Finally Discover Smurf Reproduction
SMURF VILLAGE, BELGIUM—After decades of studying the elusive colony of small blue humanoids, scientists announced Saturday they have finally discovered how Smurfs reproduce.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/scientists-finally-discover-smurf-reproduction/
This stories headline was written and suggested by @specialred_, thank you!
ICYMI: Translator Of Original ‘Minions’ Epic Poem Slams ‘Sexless, Bloodless’ Film Adaptation
The Wasted Onion Newspaper: July 2026
https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/print/the-wasted-onion-newspaper-july-2026/
Jared Leto Denies Sexual Assault Allegations Will Affect Career
https://theonion.com/jared-leto-denies-sexual-assault-allegations-will-affect-career/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: FIFA Announces Plan To Sell World Cup To Palantir
https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/special/fifa-announces-plan-to-sell-world-cup-to-palantir/
