“BREAKING: Cuomo has fled the NYC mainland following its fall to socialist Zohran Mamdani. Sources say he will establish a new govt on Staten Island with the goal of eventually reclaiming the entire city. Mamdani has promised to purge all remaining Cuomintang on the mainland.”
What a wonderfully long headline we’ll have to edit down so our readers heads don’t explode.
“Special Report: Poll Shows That 37% Of Americans Still Think Obama Is Causing All Their Problems”
“before conviction, ikilledtallpeter420 reportedly hoped to build more time machines, kill tallpeter 419 more times”
“New York Mayoral Election Rules Changed To Require At Least 3 Wasteof Posts Within Last Year To Vote”
“David Zaslav Gleefully Departs Warner Bros. Lot For Last Time After Some Kiwi Guy Pays Him Skittles for Studio”
“‘The Wasteof.money Movie’ Is Planned First Installment In Obscure Social Media Platform Cinematic Universe; Untitled Blaze Direct-to-Streaming Series In Development”
We’re almost impressed that you wrote a comment more muddled than the average Donald Trump Truth Social post.
“Trump Throws A Tantrum Online After Visiting Holiday Inn Express Where Room Didn’t Include So Much As A Mint On His Pillow”
“President Kiwi Urges Public Not To Delete Their Old Abandoned Minecraft Xbox 360 Edition Worlds, Cites Personal Experience”
“Apple Acquires Blaze At Bankruptcy Auction, Announces Intention To Make Website Easy For General Public To Use; New Name Is iBlaze SE Air Mini Pro Max XR Touch Shuffle Nano Lite XL & Knuckles 2: Electric Blazealoo, Starts at $7999 A Month; Includes Free KyleTech Album That Can’t Be Uninstalled”
…yeah there’s probably a way more concise way to say all that…
We would like to congratulate you in typing a headline so long that it is essentially one quarter of an entire Wasted Onion article. Now stand back, let the coked-up professionals take over.