“RFK Jr. to replace Red 40 with the blood of Palestinian children.”

As the Secretary of Propaganda for the KiwiLate administration, I am pleased to do my job for the first time and officially announce that the administration has endorsed EVILJEFFALO as wasteof’s next president.

Thank you for this exclusive. We’re just going to make one tiny adjust. Don’t worry, it won’t alter the meaning at all!

the wasted onion need to remind the people that thrat brutally murdered the true american hero and patriot @tallpeter

We’ll have you know The Wasted Onion has already done kickass journalism in this area, having released the TallPeter files. Do not question the journalistic power of The Only New Source. Feast your eyes on the good shit here: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/exclusive-the-wasted-onion-has-acquired-documents-part-of-the-tallpeter-files/

but people need to hear again. i’ve always said that the wasted onion is the microwave of the news world

We’ll have one of our many hitmen and hitwomen put you in a microwave if you’re not careful.

Opinion Piece: Owl and Juni are not capable of being president of wasteof.money

“Hi guys! It is me, presidential nominee thrat! I would like firstly to thank all of my loyal voters, who are ensuring a bright and prosperous wasteof.money. My rant’s primary service is not to serve as political propaganda so that more people vote for me (although I’d love that, thank you!), but as a stern warning to my fellow wasteof.money users about the dangers of electing someone like Owl or Juni. Owl, while currently being in the #4 position in the election currently, is most certainly an extremely poor fit for president. This is due to the fact that she has documented multiple times that she does not respect the beautiful and coveted democracy that has led wasteof to prosper for over half a decade. One clear proof of this is when Owl attempted to coerce me financially into assassinating our former beloved Vice President, Late. I (instead), acted like I was going to do such a wicked act in order to ensure my safety, and instead swiftly and quietly reported this issue to the appropriate authorities, ensuring that Late was warned of such dangers. Attempting to have political adversaries and rivals murdered clearly demonstrates that Owl is not compatible with wasteof’s values, and should not be voted for. Additionally, this behavior has clearly not stopped, as Owl very recently said to a voter of Owl: “good choice, you'll be spared”, which shows that Owl has not grown politically or changed their violent, extremist views. Additonally, I also personally do not find Juni compatible as president for a similar reason as they have also threatened people as a direct result of this election. Saying “vote for me and nobody gets hurt”, is a clear threat, and should not under any circumstances be tolerated in a fair election cycle. I do, however, see the potential irony in this post, and would like to clarify that while I do not want to see Owl and Juni barred from running, I do want to warn the public about electing such villains. I also personally find eviljeffalo more than incompatible with being elected, potentially even more than Owl or Juni, but that story will be posted soon. Thank you for reading, and I hope this has convinced you to change your vote to thrat, or another presidential candidate compatible with the values of wasteof.money.

-(hopefully) Future President Thrat”

Thank you for your op-ed! We added some editor’s notes, just for fun, no other reason.

"Wasteof User Specialred Reaches 100 YouTube Notifications (No One is Surprised)" (spoiler alert: no one's surprised because they never check their youtube notifications)

“Bart Simpson downloads Jeffalo freak off footage before toes”

"Another Wasted Onion Victim Found Dead After Asking for A Source"

What an unfortunate coincidence.

Furry convention in Virginia causes half the internet to go out because all the furries work in IT

Rawr!

"Scientists Finally Discover Smurf Reproduction: Not What We Think"

Fuck curing cancer, this is the real important shit!

“Homer dropped his donut”

D’oh!

“AI Datacentre Brings Job To City”

Asking ChatGPT to write the article as we speak.

Please do “Japan is turning footsteps into electricity” as a news story 🙏

Since you said please.

"Katy Perry Passes Away at 41 During Secret Battle With Breast Cancer"

We’re going to take your idea and make it better, because we’re nice like that.

Leaked macOS 28 screenshots show GNOME Desktop running on macOS

What in the sudo apt is this?

“Count Binface unmasked, revealed to be Oscar the Grouch”

Finally, a worthy Clacton candidate.

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