“Special Report: Man Confused Whether It 2030 After COP30”

Cops? 30 of them? Run!

“Nintendo Suing Entire Planet For Having People Named Mario”

A company with the same thirst to sue everyone for everything? What a dream!

“\@eviljeffalo Claims Full Responsibility For Cloudflare Outage”

How on brand.

“Free Healthcare Offered To All Elderly Trump Voters Until November 7th 2028”

Smells like communism!

“‘Our Tech Makes Killing Children Feel More Like A Game’ Says Arms Manufacturer CEO”

Ooh, a wholesome, heartwarming story!

“BREAKING: Cuomo has fled the NYC mainland following its fall to socialist Zohran Mamdani. Sources say he will establish a new govt on Staten Island with the goal of eventually reclaiming the entire city. Mamdani has promised to purge all remaining Cuomintang on the mainland.”

What a wonderfully long headline we’ll have to edit down so our readers heads don’t explode.

“Trump to sign bill prohibiting the deportation of ‘big booty latinos’”

Don't credit me on this banger title

Got it! We’ll be sure to give you credit for this banger headline!

“Special Report: Poll Shows That 37% Of Americans Still Think Obama Is Causing All Their Problems”

Underestimate

We always knew it was Obama who caused WW2.

“before conviction, ikilledtallpeter420 reportedly hoped to build more time machines, kill tallpeter 419 more times”

Almost as shocking as learning the sky is blue.

They must’ve bought the plain flavoured ones.

“New York Mayoral Election Rules Changed To Require At Least 3 Wasteof Posts Within Last Year To Vote”

Elections if they were fucking good.

“David Zaslav Gleefully Departs Warner Bros. Lot For Last Time After Some Kiwi Guy Pays Him Skittles for Studio”

A wonderful offer, yum.

“All Hollywood Studios Shut Down After IShowSpeed Stream Gets 10/10 On IMDB”

Finally some good fucking news.

“Trump signs executive order pardoning Florida Man”

Seems pretty tame for a Florida man, here’s hoping an alligator is involved somehow.

“‘The Wasteof.money Movie’ Is Planned First Installment In Obscure Social Media Platform Cinematic Universe; Untitled Blaze Direct-to-Streaming Series In Development”

We’re almost impressed that you wrote a comment more muddled than the average Donald Trump Truth Social post.

Load more comments