“President Kiwi announces ‘The Wasting Games’ on live television where one highschool boy and one highschool girl from each state and territory will compete to waste as much money as possible.”
“President Kiwi Reflects on Childhood In New Memoir; Admits That ‘Growing Up, People Kept Asking Me If I Lived In New Zealand For Some Reason’”
“Let me tell you, this thing? Incredibly cheap. So cheap you’re gonna look at it and say, ‘How is this even possible?’ I know prices, nobody knows prices like I do and this is the cheapest it’ll ever be”
“Special Report: President is being held hostage with only access to the popular kids coding platform, Scratch“
“‘Our Tech Makes Killing Children Feel More Like A Game’ Says Arms Manufacturer CEO”
“BREAKING: Cuomo has fled the NYC mainland following its fall to socialist Zohran Mamdani. Sources say he will establish a new govt on Staten Island with the goal of eventually reclaiming the entire city. Mamdani has promised to purge all remaining Cuomintang on the mainland.”
What a wonderfully long headline we’ll have to edit down so our readers heads don’t explode.
“Special Report: Poll Shows That 37% Of Americans Still Think Obama Is Causing All Their Problems”
“before conviction, ikilledtallpeter420 reportedly hoped to build more time machines, kill tallpeter 419 more times”