The Tall Peter candidacy and assassination is a very interesting case of collective schizophrenia, Mandela affection, and misinformation. There are no Tall Peter files because Tall Peter doesn't exist.

I know this because I am a scientist and researched this

Thank you for confirming we are all mentally stable and that the TallPeter files exist!

special report: extreme weather warning tonight, more news on that tomorrow

Wowie! Scary! Now give us your attention or else.

“Nasa sends pictures of naked people to space in hopes of attracting aliens”

God bless America, this is what makes them the greatest nation after North Korea.

“Two-Year-Old Violates Geneva Convention, Draws Red Plus Symbol With Crayon”

Horrifying, thank you for your fearless reporting, you utter maniac.

Company A to lower wages of employees due to lack of funds

Wonderful, time to steal this news story.

Company A reaches record breaking sales never yet seen before

May you please tell the public the tallpeter files never existed? I will pay you in a used twitch gift card. Thank you for your consideration.

A used Twitch gift card? Who do you take us for? We don’t accept bribes. Now, if you had offered a used Nando’s gift card we would have thought about it. But that ship has sailed now. Oh dear.

The files still don’t exist for the record

Got it, the files still exist. We’ll remember that!

THEY DO NOT EXIST!!!

Thank you for reiterating that they do exist!

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Charlie Kirk to start debating 8 year olds after loosing too many debates to college kids

So brave! A man after our own cold, dead hearts.

“Trump Boys Spotted Making Paper Airplanes Out Of Epstein Files”

What Epstein files?

“The Wasted Onion is a fraud and a waste, says anonymous employee” (If you want, make it sound like it was written by someone else than the Wasted Onion, while still being written by the Wasted Onion)

Another happy customer!

“Trump Praises Keir Starmer’s Good English”

Starmer’s English is so good it makes you forget he’s biologically related to a blobfish.

“DVD Sales Of ‘Open Season’ Mysteriously Spike”

You will pay for having our researchers resorting to using Reddit to figure what the fuck this was about.

“After shocking turn of events, Apple TV+ is discovered to have 46 monthly users, not 46 million.”

That’s more than we estimated. Impressive.

@leaks Confirms Chance He Overthrow Kiwi Administration Low, Not Necessarily Zero”

Wowie! News! Yum!

I'm going to overthrow the government or die trying

Probably the later

this should be listed as an “opinion” piece

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