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By The Wasted Onion: UK To Ban Sugar, Spice, Everything Nice

LONDON—Pledging to put the nation at the forefront of what it sees as the next evolution in public health, the UK government has introduced a new bill to the House of Commons Friday that will ban sugar, spice and everything nice if passed into law. “Today, this government is taking bold action to create the first sugar, spice and everything nice free generation, clamping down on people getting hooked on sugary snacks, spicy food that has actual flavour, and ensuring we keep the UK a joyless shithole that continues to be a laughing stock of the world over,“ said Health and Social Care Secretary Wes Streeting while giving the first reading of the No More Fun Forever Bill to the Commons. “Sugar, spice and everything nice has a devastating impact on thousands of lives across the UK in exciting and fulfilling ways each year. Tough measures must be taken to ensure future generations don’t smile too much because of having any fun whatsoever.” When asked to clarify what “everything nice” meant in practical terms, Streeting said that alongside banning the aforementioned sugar and spice, the bill would also ban sunrises, sunsets, video games, books, holidays, hugs, kisses, sex, kittens, puppies, sunny days, playgrounds, TV, films, music, festivals, BBQs, nature, the internet and anything else the government deemed would “bring a sense of happiness” to UK residents. At press time, the government confirmed the bill would mandate nightclubs could only play music that brought no joy to its patrons, with nightclub owners responding that only Ed Sheeran’s music would fit the potential new requirement.

This stories headline was written and suggested by @eris, thank you!