Welcome to the official page of The Wasted Onion, The Only News Source. We post the most important and trustworthy journalism that shines light in the dark halls of power and asks the tough questions. They say “Democracy Dies in Darkness”, we say “Hey, We’ll Totally Trade You This Democracy That’s Collecting Dust in Our Attic for a $100 Amazon Gift Card”.
The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
By The Wasted Onion: Internet Loudly Complains About Disney+ Price Increase, Proceeds To Give Them Money Anyway
THE INTERNET—Furiously typing away on social media sites, forums, and group chats with friends in frustration over further price hikes, internet users loudly complained Friday about an increase in the price of Disney+ before proceeding to give the streamer their money anyway. “I am sick and tired of these streaming services taking us for fools, it pisses me off so much. At this point streaming feels just like TV, and that’s why I’m still giving Disney my hard earned money on a monthly basis,” said a comment posted on Reddit which was edited hours later thanking strangers for Reddit gold. “Honestly I don’t even need Disney+ man, I rarely ever open it as I’m just endlessly scrolling a myriad of streaming services that are serving me algorithmic suggestions on what to watch that never actually leave me satisfied. Anyway I guess I gotta stop feeding my kids so I can keep my subscription lol,” said a post on Facebook from a man The Wasted Onion hunted down and slapped in the face for being such an utter dipshit. At press time, Disney announced it planned to give all Disney+ subscribers a free punch in the face from an employee dressed as Mickey Mouse sent directly to their doorstep.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @kiwi, thank you!
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Feel Good News: Donald Trump And Elon Musk Are Fighting And Calling Each Other Paedophiles
Rift Widens Between Elon Musk, Anyone Who Ever Met Him
https://theonion.com/rift-widens-between-elon-musk-anyone-who-ever-met-him/
By The Wasted Onion: Discord Announces Sending Messages Now A Nitro Exclusive Feature
SAN FRANCISCO, CA—Widening the features the instant messaging services premium subscription offering provides, Discord has announced that sending messages is now a Nitro exclusive feature. “We launched Discord over 10 years ago, since then we’ve seen our users grow what we built into something truly special for gamers everywhere. One of the key features from day one that has made this all possible is the ability to send messages. That’s why today, we’re excited to announce the latest feature exclusive to Nitro subscribers: messaging,” said the company in a blog post. “We’ve been toiling away at this for a long time, and now is the right moment. Wumpus also threatened us with a gun and held our families hostage, telling us that we must do this or see our lives go up in ashes.” At press time, local police had been dispatched to Discord Headquarters where a hostage situation was unfolding, after multiple hours of negotiation, Wumpus agreed to free the hostages if he was given the contact information for every “Discord kitten,” according to authorities.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @esben, thank you!
Study: Depression Most Common In Individuals Who Look In Mirror Smiling But Reflection Sad
Nintendo Warns Users Not To Remove Protective Foreskin From Switch 2
https://theonion.com/nintendo-warns-users-not-to-remove-protective-foreskin-from-switch-2/
Musk Weighs Return To Politics After 60th Death On ‘Elden Ring Nightreign’ Tutorial
By The Wasted Onion: Leak Claims NVIDIA To Include LSD With RTX 6060 To Help Users Hallucinate Frames
SANTA CLARA, CA—Spreading across the internet via social media and forums Monday, a leak reportedly claimed NVIDIA’s upcoming RTX 6060 graphics card would come packaged with LSD to allow users to hallucinate more frames. “The RTX 6060 is the most powerful graphics card to ever be created. It’s been engineered for performance from the ground up and is the cutting-edge in the field. Now with the newly included RTX LSD, you can alter your own senses to witness even smoother frame rates that were once thought impossible,” says internal marketing copy shared on the dark web by the leaker. “We pinkie promise we aren’t going to include LSD in any current or upcoming NVIDIA products. We’d instead use a cooler drug like crystal meth or something,” said a representative for the company to The Wasted Onion’s tech correspondent Hank Schrader. At press time, a further leak indicated that NVIDIA may also provide LSD to its AI customers so they could hallucinate “their AI products doing something actually goddamn useful,” according to the leaked documents.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!
ICYMI: Tariff-Strained Apple Announces 7,083-Piece iPhone Kit
https://theonion.com/tariff-strained-apple-announces-7083-piece-iphone-kit/
Pride Month 2025 Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Trump Wishes Nation Happy Pride Purge Month
ICYMI: 213 Killed In How Do You Pronounce That?
https://theonion.com/213-killed-in-how-do-you-pronounce-that/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Study: Exposure To Wasteof Posts About Coleslaw Linked To Lower Life Expectancy
Novelty Car Horn Playing ‘La Cucaracha’ Sends Stephen Miller Into Dissociative Fugue State
By The Wasted Onion: European Union Opens Investigation Into Apple For Removing Screen From Upcoming iPhone 17
BRUSSELS, BELGIUM—Standing before reporters outside the Berlaymont building regarding the blocs latest crackdown on what it sees as technological gatekeepers, a spokesperson for the European Union announced it has opened an investigation into U.S. tech giant Apple after it announced its upcoming iPhone 17 would not have a screen. “This latest iPhone is our best yet. It’s the culmination of everything we strive for at Apple; simplicity, accessibility, beauty. It’s truly magical. The reason to remove the display: courage. The courage to move on and do something new that betters all of us,” said CEO Tim Cook at a keynote debuting the device while waving his hands in vague grandiose gestures. “Do I really need to explain this? Of course we’re going to fucking look into fining these lunatics. If keyboards were removed from laptops we’d all agree that's stupid. Oh shit I think we just gave them another idea on what to remove next,” said the spokesperson outside the European Commission while looking visibly tired. Speaking to The Wasted Onion’s technology editor Clippy, a spokesperson for the company said that the EU was “standing in the way of enshittification - no crap I meant innovation,” before scurrying away and putting on an Apple Vision Pro to avoid further questions.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @mrowlsss, thank you!
Recession Forecasts Jump After Herds Of Panicked Economists Start Running Off Cliffs
