Welcome to the official page of The Wasted Onion, The Only News Source. We post the most important and trustworthy journalism that shines light in the dark halls of power and asks the tough questions. They say “Democracy Dies in Darkness,” we say “Hey, We’ll Totally Trade You This Democracy That’s Collecting Dust in Our Attic for a $100 Amazon Gift Card.”
Find more kick-ass journalism at our website: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/
The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
By The Wasted Onion: Man Dies After Refusing Heart Transplant, Demanding ‘Cisplant’ Instead
ADELAIDE, AUSTRALIA—Leaving his family mourning as he was laid to rest Wednesday, local man Logan Hansen died at the age of 53 from heart failure after refusing a heart transplant while demanding to have a "cisplant" instead.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/man-dies-after-refusing-heart-transplant-demanding-cisplant-instead/
By The Wasted Onion: Wasteof Returns As Paid Subscription Service
THE INTERNET—After several months of being completely offline from the internet due to technical issues, Swiss social media site wasteof.money has returned as a paid subscription service.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/wasteof-returns-as-paid-subscription-service/
Epidemiologists Confirm First Airborne Transmission Of Mar-A-Lago Face
https://theonion.com/epidemiologists-confirm-first-airborne-transmission-of-mar-a-lago-face-2/
By The Wasted Onion: King Charles's U.S. State Visit To Include Stop At Epstein's Prison Cell
CAMP SPRINGS, MD—As His Majesty and Queen Camilla arrived to start their four-day state visit to the U.S., people familiar with the White House's and Buckingham Palace's joint itinerary confirmed that King Charles III will make a stop at the jail cell of convicted child sex offender and sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein, who committed suicide there in 2019.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/king-charless-us-state-visit-to-include-stop-at-epsteins-prison-cell/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Trump Seen Wearing Bandage On Ear Again After Correspondents' Dinner Shooting
By The Wasted Onion: White House Launches App For Would-Be Assassins To Book Appointments For Attempts On Trump's Life
WASHINGTON—In response to gunshots being fired near the annual White House correspondents' dinner at the Washington Hilton, in which U.S. President Donald Trump and high-level members of his cabinet were in attendance and evacuated by the Secret Service, the White House has launched an app for future would-be assassins to book appointments for attempts to end the presidents life.
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Britons Find Silver Lining Knowing Thatcher Will Be Spinning In Grave After Trump Questions UK Control Of Falklands
By The Wasted Onion: New Apple CEO Will Not Feature ‘Anus’ Port
CUPERTINO, CA—Capping off a 15 year tenure leading the technology giant, Apple has announced that John Ternus, who will be replacing Tim Cook as CEO in September, will not feature an "anus" port unlike previous leaders of the company.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/new-apple-ceo-will-not-feature-anus-port/
By The Wasted Onion: As A Member Of The Globalist Elite, I Am Furious The Onion Has Acquired InfoWars Before I Could
Ever since my birth in a remote village in Turkmenistan, I have yearned to control every single form in which humans consume content. Whether it be radio, TV, the internet, or crusty old porn magazines, I want to control it and ensure it is subservient to us all-powerful, baby stealing, blood-sucking, tofu eating reptilian globalists. That is why I am furious that The Onion has completed its purchase of InfoWars, as I will now not have the chance to corrupt this truth-seeking enterprise into a globalist fake news operation myself.
By The Wasted Onion: Starmer Fires Entire Government Over Mandelson Vetting Scandal
LONDON—Under mounting pressure to step down due to accusations he misled the House of Commons over how former British Ambassador to the United States Peter Mandelson, who had ties with child sex offender Jeffery Epstein, was improperly vetted for the role, British Prime Minister Sir Keir Starmer announced that he would be firing the entire UK Government over the scandal.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/starmer-fires-entire-government-over-mandelson-vetting-scandel/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Trump Warns Iran That U.S. Has Unlimited Stockpiles Of Threats
By The Wasted Onion: Your Party Splits Into 55,000 Separate Competing Parties After Infighting
FINSBURY PARK, LONDON—In the midst of bitter infighting that has resulted in the political party's entire Scottish Executive Committee quitting en masse, Your Party, the left-wing socialist party founded by British MP's Jeremy Corbyn and Zarah Sultana, has split into 55,000 separate competing parties, one per each Your Party member.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/your-party-splits-into-55000-separate-parties-after-infighting/
By The Wasted Onion: OpenAI Shares Plummet After Pivot From AI To Footwear
SAN FRANCISCO, CA—In a bizarre announcement that left the industry in disarray Friday, OpenAI announced that it was planning on pivoting its business from artificial intelligence to footwear, causing shares in the AI research company to go into freefall.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/openai-shares-plummet-after-pivot-from-ai-to-footwear/
By The Wasted Onion: Trump Still Polling Well With Americans Kicked In Head By Horse
WASHINGTON—In contrast to his currently declining poll numbers among most Americans, a YouGov poll released Thursday revealed President Donald Trump was still polling strongly with Americans who have been kicked in the head by a horse.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/trump-still-polling-well-with-americans-kicked-in-head-by-horse/
