Welcome to the official page of The Wasted Onion, The Only News Source. We post the most important and trustworthy journalism that shines light in the dark halls of power and asks the tough questions. They say “Democracy Dies in Darkness,” we say “Hey, We’ll Totally Trade You This Democracy That’s Collecting Dust in Our Attic for a $100 Amazon Gift Card.”
Find more kick-ass journalism at our website: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/
The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
Election Coverage: Owl Says Wasteof5 Will Feature Button That Drops Anvil On Other Users Heads
THE INTERNET—Expanding on her campaign promise to finish wasteof4 and begin work on its successor, presidential candidate Owl said Friday that wasteof5 will feature a button to drop an anvil onto the heads of other users.
By The Wasted Onion: Thrat Assassinated TallPeter Last Year So We'd Have A Better Chance Of Winning This Year
Hello, my fellow wasteof.money users. As many of you know, I am running in this year's presidential election. I've already shared how I plan to make wasteof even better, such as finishing wasteof4, starting wasteof5, and wearing former President Kiwi's skin. Now, of course I believe my opponent, Thrat, is not a suitable candidate, but even they have one thing that bodes well for them in my view: the fact they assassinated 2025 presidential candidate TallPeter, thereby giving all of us a much better chance of winning this year.
This piece was suggested by @owl, thank you!
Elsewhere On The Campaign Trail:
Thrat-Eris Campaign Disavows Links To Darflen, Clarifies They Use Blaze Instead
EvilJeffalo Accidentally Boosts Thrat's Poll Lead After Accusing Them Of Murder
Juni Vows To Poop On Wasteof Server To Mark Her Territory
LandonHere Promises Cheap Catgirl Transformations
Full coverage: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/owl-says-wasteof5-will-feature-button-that-drops-anvil-on-other-users-heads/
Trump Downplays Significance Of Trump Tower Found On Epstein Island
https://theonion.com/trump-downplays-significance-of-trump-tower-found-on-epstein-island/
Election Coverage: Thrat And Eris Go Insane After Telepathically Reading Each Other's Thoughts
THE INTERNET—Following the bombshell announcement that the two campaigns would merge into one, presidential candidate Thrat and vice presidential candidate Eris went insane Thursday after forming a telepathic link and reading each other's thoughts.
By The Wasted Onion: I Took A Bribe To Commit Murder, But Owl And Juni Are Even More Unfit For Office
Hi guys! It is me, presidential nominee Thrat! I would firstly like to thank all of my loyal voters[?], who are ensuring a bright and prosperous wasteof.money [EDITOR'S NOTE: Bold of you to assume wasteof was ever bright or prosperous]. My rant’s primary service is not to serve as political propaganda [EDITOR'S NOTE: Keep telling yourself that, pal] so that more people vote for me (although I’d love that, thank you!), but as a stern warning to my fellow wasteof.money users about the dangers of electing someone like Owl or Juni.
This piece was written by @thrat, thank you!
Elsewhere On The Campaign Trail:
EvilJeffalo Surges In Polls For Pledging To Make Wasteof A Dictatorship
Narcissistic Jeffalo Votes For Owl So He Can Learn What Her Kindly Worded Letter Says
Juni's Real Name Revealed To Be ‘Figel Narage’
Full coverage: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/thrat-and-eris-go-insane-after-telepathically-reading-each-others-thoughts/
Tearful Mark Zuckerberg Smothers Metaverse Avatar With Digital Pillow
https://theonion.com/tearful-mark-zuckerberg-smothers-metaverse-avatar-with-digital-pillow/
Election Coverage: EvilJeffalo Promises Free Puppies For Everyone, Assures They Not Bombs
THE INTERNET—Revealing their platform for the 2026 wasteof.money presidential election, EvilJeffalo promised Wednesday to provide every single user with a free puppy, while assuring the public that the pets are not rigged with volatile explosives.
Elsewhere On The Campaign Trail:
Fact Check: Thrat Does Not Have A Prime To Return To
Owl Campaign In Shambles After Other Candidates Offer Eight Free Waffles Rather Than Seven
Eris Promises To Reveal Your IP Address If Elected
Full coverage: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/eviljeffalo-promises-free-puppies-for-everyone-assures-they-not-bombs/
Melania Trump Discovered To Be Russian Listening Device
https://theonion.com/melania-trump-discovered-to-be-russian-listening-device/
By The Wasted Onion: Wasted Onion To Waterboard All Candidates In Exclusive 2026 Wasteof Election Coverage
STIRLING, SCOTLAND—Unveiling its upcoming 2026 wasteof.money election coverage, titled "War for Crack," The Wasted Onion has announced Monday that it will exclusively waterboard all candidates as part of its comprehensive reporting on the vital race.
Spiteful AIPAC Spends $30 Million On Loud Bird Perched Outside Abdul El-Sayed’s Window
By The Wasted Onion: Man Found Dead After Asking The Wasted Onion For A Source
HOOPER BAY, AK—Leaving the local community reeling, 34-year-old carpenter Finlay Shaw was found dead Monday morning, just hours after leaving a comment on social media asking The Wasted Onion for a source.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/man-found-dead-after-asking-the-wasted-onion-for-a-source/
This stories headline was written and suggested by @specialred_, thank you!
Dept. Of Interior Grills Up Nation’s Remaining Endangered Species
https://theonion.com/dept-of-interior-grills-up-nations-remaining-endangered-species/
From The Archives: Man Given 6 Months To Live Beats Odds By Dying In 2
https://theonion.com/man-given-6-months-to-live-beats-odds-by-dying-in-2/
By The Wasted Onion: Piers Morgan Uncensored Hosts Debate Between Hydrogen Bomb And Coughing Baby
SOUTHWARK, LONDON—In a bid to foster respectful public discourse, Piers Morgan Uncensored uploaded a video to its YouTube channel Saturday featuring a debate between a hydrogen bomb and a coughing baby.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/peirs-morgan-uncensored-hosts-debate-between-hydrogen-bomb-and-coughing-baby/
Via The Hard Times: Adorable Dog Mayor of Small Town Approves Data Center
https://thehardtimes.net/culture/adorable-dog-mayor-of-small-town-approves-data-center/
By The Wasted Onion: Internet Goes Offline After Entirety Of IT Workforce Attends Furry Convention
ARLINGTON, VA—Bringing the digital world to a sudden standstill, the internet went completely offline Friday after the entirety of the IT workforce departed en masse to attend Anthrolington, a furry convention being held in Arlington, Virginia throughout the weekend.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/internet-goes-offline-after-entirety-of-it-workforce-attends-furry-convention/
This stories headline was written and suggested by @juni, thank you!
Everyone Needs To Calm Down, Reports Man Who Accidentally Shot Someone
https://theonion.com/everyone-needs-to-calm-down-reports-man-who-accidentally-shot-someone/
