Welcome to the official page of The Wasted Onion, The Only News Source. We post the most important and trustworthy journalism that shines light in the dark halls of power and asks the tough questions. They say “Democracy Dies in Darkness,” we say “Hey, We’ll Totally Trade You This Democracy That’s Collecting Dust in Our Attic for a $100 Amazon Gift Card.”
The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
By The Wasted Onion: Trump Boys Ask Father Who ‘Uncle Bubba’ Is
WASHINGTON—Shyly scurrying past several White House staff and aides as they made their way into the Oval Office like scared kittens, the Trump boys reportedly asked their father Thursday who “Uncle Bubba” is. “Daddy, I’m really, really confused right now, everyone was talking about a strange ‘Bubba’ man when we were playing tag in the West Wing. Even Uncle Hedgeseth [sic] was talking about it when he was drinking his ‘grown up juice,’” said a visibly distraught Eric Trump, fiddling with his hands and sticking out his lower lip to hold back tears as his older brother, Donald Trump Jr., looked meekly at his father with his toy Trump phone gripped firmly in his hands. “Auntie Ham [sic] said you and Uncle Bubba were the bestest of buddies. She said you and Uncle Epstein used to play together all the time! He sounds so awesome, daddy! Can we meet him? Do you think he’ll think the fart sounds I make with my mouth are cool? Can I show him my ICE costume? Daddy, did you blow bubbles with Uncle Bubba?” At press time, the Trump boys were asking their father if they too could “blow bubbles with Bubba.”
OpenAI Reveals ChatGPT Primarily Used To Ask If Hot Dog Too Old To Eat
https://theonion.com/openai-reveals-chatgpt-primarily-used-to-ask-if-hot-dog-too-old-to-eat/
‘You Think You’re Better Than Me?’ Says Nicki Minaj Interrupting Child Reciting Nursery Rhyme
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: @EvilJeffalo Claims Full Responsibility For Cloudflare Outage
This special report was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!
‘We’re Off To See The World!’ Shout Saluting Trump Boys Setting Sail On D.C. Reflecting Pool
By The Wasted Onion: Free Healthcare Offered To All Elderly Trump Voters Until November 7th 2028
WASHINGTON—In a remarkable shift in medical policy from the Trump administration, the Department of Health and Human Services has announced it will offer free healthcare to elderly Trump voters until November 7th, 2028. “As part of our mission to ‘Make America Healthy Again,’ I am proud to announce that the United States government will be offering free, comprehensive healthcare to the elderly who have and will vote for President Trump until November 7th 2028. After that point, the official policy will be ‘if you can’t afford it, die,’” said HHS Secretary RFK Jr. during a press briefing in the White House with the president slumped over in his chair snoring as his legs swelled even more in his shoes. “It’s a very great thing we’re doing. Very good. Possibly the most goodest [sic] thing ever done in history possibly. They’re already saying it; ‘Trump is keeping us healthy, Trump is our hero,’ they’re saying that, it's true. Not something you hear on the woke liberal mainstream media. We’re going to keep my old as shit voters clinging to life so they can vote for me and save America from woke and the Democrats and their goal to make everyone computer and transgender,” said the president after being shaken awake by an aide. In reaction to the news, Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-NY) said it was "imperative that all Americans can have affordable or free healthcare, not just those who support the president,” but went on to stipulate when asked how to broaden the availability of such policies to the rest of the nation that “the Democrat position is we will always fuck ourselves over even when we’re winning the argument.” At press time, Secretary of Agriculture Brooke Rollins announced that SNAP benefits would only be provided to Trump supporters from now on.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!
Trump Imposes 100% Tax On Movies Where Slaves Escape
https://theonion.com/trump-imposes-100-tax-on-movies-where-slaves-escape/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Trump: ‘The Only Penis I've Tasted Is My Own’
From The Archives: Americans Demand New Form Of Media To Bridge Entertainment Gap While Looking From Laptop To Phone
https://theonion.com/americans-demand-new-form-of-media-to-bridge-entertainm-1819576756/
By The Wasted Onion: ‘Our Tech Makes Killing Children Feel More Like A Game’ Says Arms Manufacturer CEO
MEMPHIS, TN—Professionally marketing his businesses capabilities to a boardroom full of government officials, Kevin Watts, CEO of an arms manufacturer, said his company's technology makes killing children feel just like how it does in a video game. “I can assure you ladies and gentlemen, my company’s technology is so sophisticated and powerful that it makes the act of snuffing out the life of a small 5-year-old child as their eyes become unblinking and body stiff feel as emotionally detached as running an NPC over in Grand Theft Auto,” said Mr. Watts to the boardroom of U.S. government officials all frothing at the mouth at the very thought of killing even more innocent children. “Our brave troops won’t need to think once about the arms industry's hand in perpetuating violence and enabling one of the most powerful and evil empires thirst for endless power and desire to completely conquer the world and have it grovel at its feet. That’s all thanks to my company's new drone that can make dropping a missile payload upon a remote village of ordinary people feel like gameplay from the latest Call of Duty or Battlefield.” The CEO went on to exuberantly recall testing out a new nerve agent his company had developed on three civilians with terminal conditions, describing how he laughed manically as the subjects convulsed and vomited up blood while begging for mercy or death, whichever came first. At press time, Lockheed Martin and Raytheon had begun a bidding war to purchase Kevin Watt’s company, showing excitement at the possibilities for new cruel and unusual pain that could be unleashed upon humanity that all the while gives the same satisfaction when one jumps on a Goomba in a Super Mario game.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!
ICYMI: Not Sure How They Deal With Criminals In Your Town, But ’Round Here We Use A Restorative Justice Process
Ghislaine Maxwell Conceals Escape Tunnel Behind Pinup Poster Of Shirley Temple
https://theonion.com/ghislaine-maxwell-conceals-escape-tunnel-behind-pinup-poster-of-shirley-temple/
By The Wasted Onion: Keir Starmer Defects To Reform UK
LONDON—Taking a brief moment to adjust his tie before speaking at the lectern placed outside 10 Downing Street Thursday, British Prime Minister Sir Keir Starmer announced he has defected to Nigel Farage's Reform UK party. “While my government has begun the massive task of bringing our plan for change to Great Britain, I’ve realised that continuing to be the leader of the Labour party has been detrimental to this plan. With all of that in mind, I am announcing today that I am joining Reform UK as their newest MP. Working hand in hand with Nigel Farage will allow us to bring my plan for change and his plan of eradicating minorities to life, plus they’re polling way better than Labour right now so I’m better hitching my wagon sooner rather than later,” said the Prime Minister to a shocked press gaggle before he proceeded to scale the nearest streetlight and affix a Union Jack to it. “I am delighted to hear that Starmer has made the right choice, realising that Britain needs reform and a party that doesn’t hide its vitriol towards migrants, the LGBTQ+ community, antisemitism, racism, sexism and overall bigotry behind a thinly veiled centrist ideology and instead a far-right populist one. I’m so excited for Daddy Don to come and save Britain from woke transgender snowflake liberal cucks!” said Reform UK leader Nigel Farage somewhere far away from his constituency of Clackton. Later after the announcement, Starmer announced at a press briefing with Farage that they planned to replace the “one in, one out” policy with a new “just fucking stab them to death” policy. At press time, former Prime Minister and Conservative party leader Liz Truss announced her bid to become the next leader of the Labour party, claiming that Chancellor Rachael Reeves “can’t even fuck up the economy” as well as Mrs. Truss could.
Trump Denies Writing 36-Volume Comic Titled ‘Don And Jeff: Time Pedophiles’
https://theonion.com/trump-denies-writing-36-volume-comic-titled-don-and-jeff-time-pedophiles/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Epstein Alleged Trump Knew GTA VI Was Going To Be Delayed In Newly Released Emails
