Welcome to the official page of The Wasted Onion, The Only News Source. We post the most important and trustworthy journalism that shines light in the dark halls of power and asks the tough questions. They say “Democracy Dies in Darkness,” we say “Hey, We’ll Totally Trade You This Democracy That’s Collecting Dust in Our Attic for a $100 Amazon Gift Card.”
The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
By The Wasted Onion: Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor Arrested, Has Penis Cut Off
SANDRINGHAM, ENGLAND—Facing mounting questions regarding the former prince's relationship with convicted child sex offender and sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein, Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor was arrested by Thames Valley Police Thursday morning at the Sandringham Estate before having his penis cut off while in custody. "As part of the investigation, we have today arrested a man in his sixties from Norfolk on suspicion of misconduct in public office and are carrying out searches at addresses in Berkshire and Norfolk. The man remains in police custody at this time. We have also removed the mans genitals as a precaution," said a statement in part published on the Thames Valley Police's website. "I have learned with the deepest concern the news about Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor and suspicion of misconduct in public office. What now follows is the full, fair and proper process by which this issue is investigated in the appropriate manner and that his genitals are removed by the appropriate authorities," said a statement from King Charles III. Later, details divulged regarding the arrest of Andrew revealed that the former prince was dragged kicking and screaming into the back of a unmarked police car where a plain-clothes police officer used a rusty hacksaw to mutilate and remove his tiny, shrivelled-up penis. At press time, Peter Mandelson, who was dismissed as British Ambassador to the United States after documents in the Epstein files revealed he had a close relationship with Epstein, had reportedly cut his own penis off with a kitchen knife out of fear the police would do it for him after learning of the arrest of Andrew.
Athletes In Raucous Olympic Village Fuckfest Fake Having Bible Study As Curlers Enter Room
All Upcoming Films Canceled After Every Living Actor Called To ‘Avengers: Doomsday’ Set For Reshoots
By The Wasted Onion: ICE Mistakenly Deports JD Vance To El Salvador
TECOLUCA, EL SALVADOR—In yet another blow to the agency regarding its tactics and accuracy when it comes to how it handles law enforcement, U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement has mistakenly deported U.S. Vice President JD Vance to the Centro de Confinamiento del Terrorismo (CECOT) maximum security prison in El Salvador. "Today our brave and patriotic ICE heroes have captured and deported another highly dangerous illegal alien from American soil. Even more frightening was that this illegal alien was in close proximity to President Trump, claiming that he was the so-called vice president of the United States, which is just preposterous, no American has the first name JD," said Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem. Following intense confusion from the press pool and public after her announcement, Mrs. Noem said in a further statement that she was "regretful" for deporting the vice president, explaining that it was "simply now impossible to get him back as the Salvadorans are now responsible for Vance. Unfortunately ICE agents were unable to identify the vice president regardless of his pleas due to him not having applied his eyeliner yet." When asked about the deportation of JD Vance, President Trump showed a lack of interest, shrugging before commenting that "I don't know who that is, I'm still waiting for someone to hang Mike Pence." At press time, Salvadorian President Nayib Bukele claimed that JD Vance was "settling in well" to his new cell in CECOT, which he is currently sharing with over 55 other wrongly imprisoned men.
Trump Asks When He Gets To Kill Olympians Who Lost
https://theonion.com/trump-asks-when-he-gets-to-kill-olympians-who-lost/
Baby Fails To Change New Father In Any Way
https://theonion.com/baby-fails-to-change-new-father-in-any-way/
By The Wasted Onion: Starmer Threatens To Kill Larry The Cat In Effort To Convince MPs He Still Fit To Be Prime Minister
LONDON—In an effort to convince Labour MPs that he should retain his job following mounting calls to resign from his position, such as from Scottish Labour leader Anas Sarwar, British Prime Minister Sir Keir Starmer has threatened to kill Chief Mouser to the Cabinet Larry the cat. "I swear, if you come even an inch closer, I will do it! I don't care how ‘beloved’ this stupid tabby is, I will fight to the bitter end for this job! I know you love Larry, he's the only thing that keeps you sad sacks willing to come into No. 10. So, let me stay as PM, and the cat stays unharmed," threatened the Prime Minister as he brandished a kitchen knife and held it up to Larry's neck. "I know you all think I'm some weak-willed pushover who will do whatever the hell you want. Especially you backbenchers! But make no mistake, I will slit this kitty's throat if you even think of forcing me out the door. Watch as the very fabric of Britain is torn to shreds when they learn the only thing they like about UK politics is snuffed out in an instant with the simple movement of a knife." As MPs and civil servants pleaded with Starmer to let the Chief Mouser go, the 19-year-old feline fought back, using guerrilla tactics like scratching and biting the PM while looking right pissed off. Following the incident which sent Starmer to A&E, Larry gave an exclusive interview to lesser news outlet ITV News while prowling the perimeter of 10 Downing Street, saying that Starmer was a "meow" and a massive "meow meow," leaving press shocked at his crude and vulgar language.
ICYMI: Finnish Ski Jumping Team Caught Tampering With Earth’s Gravitational Field
https://theonion.com/finnish-ski-jumping-team-caught-tampering-with-earths-gravitational-field/
Valentine’s Day Special Report: Annual Valentine's Day Stoning Of Happy Couple Held
https://theonion.com/annual-valentines-day-stoning-of-happy-couple-held-1819594968/
By The Wasted Onion: Emails Reveal Jeffery Epstein Did 9/11
MANHATTAN, NY—In yet another bombshell exposing the influence of the deceased paedophile, new emails released as part of the Epstein files by the Department of Justice Friday revealed that child sex offender and sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein co-ordinated and executed the 9/11 terrorist attacks. "Looking to cause some chaos in nyc soon. need some planes and other stuff. - also do you have anyone insane and batshit enough to fly a plane for a fly by view of world trade center?" said an email sent by Epstein months before the 9/11 attacks, with the email having been sent to officials from Israel, Russia, Qatar, Iran, Iraq, Afghanistan, Disneyland and the Holy Roman Empire with "Sent from my iPad" appended to the end as a signature. "look forward to seeing you. I can either come wtih [sic] assistants ( 67 , ) =or alone. Might help with getting the planes for wqhat [sic] i 'm referring to as my trip ; )," read another email from Epstein to a redacted recipient who kept talking about how much they have to work on their "stupid electric cars," according to Epstein in further emails in the thread. As questions began to mount over the new files, a spokesperson for Google claimed it had no knowledge of the emails sent by Epstein with his Gmail address until now, claiming that they only monitor and track the data of people who aren't sex offenders or traffickers. At press time, Attorney General Pam Bondi and FBI Director Kash Patel both declined a request for comment regarding Epstein's involvement in planning the 9/11 attacks, forcing The Wasted Onion's hand into just assuming they would likely say something completely and utterly bullshit anyway.
Kid Rock Sells Entire Music Catalog For Extra-Large Bucket Of Cheese Balls
https://theonion.com/kid-rock-sells-entire-music-catalog-for-extra-large-bucket-of-cheese-balls/
By The Wasted Onion: Epstein Commits Suicide Again
PALM BEACH, FL—Leaving the world shocked at the latest twist in the Epstein case, the FBI announced that financier, convicted child sex offender and sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein had been found dead from suicide for the second time Thursday. "Earlier this morning, the FBI confirmed that Jeffrey Epstein, who faced charges of engaging in the sex trafficking of minors, had been found unresponsive near his grave and was pronounced dead again shortly thereafter of another apparent suicide," read a statement in part by FBI Director Kash Patel. "I was appalled to learn that Jeffrey Epstein was found dead again early this morning from another apparent suicide after being laid to rest already years ago. Mr. Epstein’s death raises serious questions that must be answered. Luckily I know my way around a Ouija board," said a statement in part from Attorney General Pam Bondi. Later, the FBI went into further detail regarding the circumstances of Epstein's second suicide at a press briefing, explaining that groundkeepers at the IJ Morris Star of David Cemetery found the child sex offender's decomposed corpse hanging from a tree nearby his unmarked tomb, where he was buried in September 2019 after his first death by suicide. At press time, U.S. President Donald Trump shut down the possibility of an investigation into the second death of Epstein, telling a reporter in the Oval Office that you, the reader wanting to understand what happened regarding Epstein and his clients, should smile more, you miserable bastard.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @owl, thank you!
Turning Point USA Announces Alternative Puerto Rico
https://theonion.com/turning-point-usa-announces-alternative-puerto-rico/
By The Wasted Onion: ‘You Guys Are On Your Fucking Own’ Comments President Kiwi As He Announces Long Vacation
THE INTERNET—Replying to a comment on a post from one of his own citizens Thursday, wasteof.money President Kiwi has told the nation they are "on their fucking own" while also announcing his intentions to take a lengthy vacation. "nah, you guys are on your fucking own, i'm taking a vacation," said the president's comment made under a post by wasteof owner Jeffalo, which was also a reply to a user simply stating the president had one fucking job. "The president is extremely hard working and deserves to take a break every now and again. Plus, they did see a Jet2holidays advert with that Jess Glynne song that became a meme, and we all know that you cannot resist the offer of having a vacation with Jet2holidays," said Secretary of State and Propaganda @EngineerRunner. Later as the nation descended into chaos, the Crack House clarified that the president was vacationing at third-party Scratch project hosting service Hatch. At press time, the government was scrambling to find Vice President Late to help bring calm to the situation, only to realise the vice president was just being on brand by being late to intervene.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @-gr, thank you!
