Welcome to the official page of The Wasted Onion, The Only News Source. We post the most important and trustworthy journalism that shines light in the dark halls of power and asks the tough questions. They say “Democracy Dies in Darkness,” we say “Hey, We’ll Totally Trade You This Democracy That’s Collecting Dust in Our Attic for a $100 Amazon Gift Card.”
Find more kick-ass journalism at our website: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/
The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
By The Wasted Onion: Jesus Christ Found Alive, Homeless
BETHLEHEM, PA—In what is being hailed as the miracle to end all miracles, Jesus Christ was confirmed alive Friday, with the Messiah discovered to be currently unhoused and sleeping on a bench outside a local McDonald's.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/jesus-christ-found-alive-homeless/
This stories headline was written and suggested by @juniperrr, thank you!
German World Cup Fan Can’t Believe How Different Real U.S. Is From Depiction In Pixar’s ‘Cars’
By The Wasted Onion: Trump Demands Jeffalo Reopen Nuxtification Or U.S. Will ‘Bomb The Shit Out Of Them’
WASHINGTON—Firmly ordering the Swiss web developer Thursday, U.S. President Donald Trump demanded wasteof.money owner Jeffalo reopen the "nuxtification" channel on the Discord server dedicated to the social media site, otherwise the U.S. would "bomb the shit out of them."
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/trump-demands-jeffalo-reopen-nuxtification-or-us-will-bomb-the-shit-out-of-them/
This stories headline was written and suggested by @esben, thank you!
French Reporter Illustrates Extreme Heat By Flambéing Cherries Jubilee On Sidewalk
By The Wasted Onion: Study: Conservatives Think About Gay And Trans People More Than Gay And Trans People Do
CAMBRIDGE, ENGLAND—After surveying a large cross section of those who identify with preserving traditional institutions, customs, and values, a new study published by Cambridge University researchers Wednesday found that conservatives across the world think about gay and transgender people more than gay and transgender people do.
Beer Delivery Driver Points Trembling Shotgun As Crowd Of Scottish Soccer Fans Close In
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Andy Burnham Announces Intention To Wear Keir Starmer's Skin
By The Wasted Onion: Search For Next British Prime Minister To Resign Begins
LONDON—In the wake of British Prime Minister Sir Keir Starmer announcing he is stepping down as leader of the Labour Party Monday, setting into motion his exit from Downing Street, the search for his replacement who will also meet the same fate begins.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/search-for-next-british-prime-minister-to-resign-begins/
Bill Gates Invests In New Sex Trafficking Startup
https://theonion.com/bill-gates-invests-in-new-sex-trafficking-startup/
By The Wasted Onion: Starmer Expected To Resign, Sacrifice Himself To Labour Gods
LONDON—As rumours swirled Sunday that his premiership is coming to an end due to mounting pressure from within his own party, reports suggest that British Prime Minister Sir Keir Starmer is expected to announce his departure as PM on Monday, thereby completing the ancient ritual that will see him sacrifice himself to the gods of the Labour Party.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/starmer-expected-to-resign-sacrifice-himself-to-labour-gods/
Via The Daily Mash: Now I am become death, the destroyer of worlds, says Burnham
By The Wasted Onion: Inspiring: Student Cheats On Homework Without Using AI
LEEDS, ENGLAND—Pleasantly surprised while marking homework she set her class last week, science teacher Rosalie Watts was impressed to discover that one of her Year 10 students, Lewis Carter, had cheated on the assignment without the help of artificial intelligence.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/inspiring-student-cheats-on-homework-without-using-ai/
From The Archives: Talkative Motherfucker Not So Extroverted Now That Friend Got Off Train
https://theonion.com/talkative-motherfucker-not-so-extroverted-now-that-frie-1826538965/
By The Wasted Onion: Tartan Army Beer Consumption Puts Strain On Strait Of Horbooze
BOSTON, MA—Alarmed that the global supply chain is reaching a breaking point, experts and local bar owners warned Friday that the Tartan Army's consumption of beer during the World Cup is putting immense strain on the Strait of Horbooze, the world's busiest and most strategically important international shipping lane for crude beer.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/tartan-army-beer-consumption-puts-strain-on-strait-of-horbooze/
