Hey earthlings! This is the official developer update account for Earth Simulator! We provide the update notes here for each version and hotfix.
Contact our team here about any potential bugs, or new features to add to Earth.
(Actually satire, made by @toaks)
Please don't haunt people after you die! This is an unintended feature and we're looking into getting true death after death. Otherwise, please destroy any ghosts you come across
We apologize for any inconvenience but this is an evolutionary trait and we have no plan to change this in the near future.
Remember, it was your choice to choose human as species. Although you don't get wings, you get to be here, now, seeing a post that almost no other earthly species could comprehend.
Why do humans not have tails or perhaps wings @earthdevs please fix
Unarmed combat has been tweaked to benefit those with low melee skill points more.
We had to roll back this change because too many unintended casualties were caused. Onions have only slightly boosted stealth in water now.
Money laundering gives an optional boost to stealth or deception now.
Money has been nerfed. 
Interest has been buffed 
Desks now have 25% more health 
Income: 100 trillion dollars
Tax deductions: 101 trillion dollars (we are now owed 1 trillion dollars 
)
Wasting money: we are going to create a battle pass we pay you to buy
First day of the month, you know what that means; tax day!
A few things to get you started: please file your taxes attached to this post. This should include income, any tax deductions, and the amount you owe. Because you obviously learned this in school already, I'm not going to provide the format here.
Also, please provide at least one (1) way you will waste your money in the next month.
Failure to file taxes results in immediate execution. Thanks!
Meet the Administration
Today, my administration is announcing our government. We have a diverse group of people who will ensure that our nation is committed to silliness. Other roles may be appointed in the future if desired. Below is the list of our appointees.
President - @auriali
Vice President - @perrin
First Gentleman - @beemoviebot
Second Gentleman - @da-ta
Secretary of State - @kiwi
Secretary of the Treasury - @toaks
Secretary of Defence - @eris
Attorney General - @esben
Secretary of Agriculture - @wynd
Secretary of Commerce - @oren
Director of National Intelligence - @dertermenter
Secretary of Health and Human Services - @radi8
Acting Secretary of Housing and Urban Development - @allyz
Secretary of Transportation - @mef
Secretary of Energy - @lily
Secretary of Education - @elsie
Secretary of Homeland Security - @mrowlsss
Ambassador to the United Nations - @zlf
Secretary of the TNC Department - @micahlt
King - @jeffalo
As you can see, we have fulfilled yet another campaign promise to make the @thenewcreators a government department, headed by one of its hosts, Micah Lindley. We will continue to bring our manifesto promises to life for the people of this great nation!
Apologies for all the pings, I just wanted to make sure everyone I appointed are aware since I didn’t ask beforehand. If you wish to be replaced, then please let me know!
It's time to feel the heat, Earthlings!!! 
A limited time fire event has just started! For the next week, defeating opponents with FIRE type weapons grants TRIPLE, yes, TRIPLE experience. Grab your flame-swords and get ready!
Additionally, cooking meals over an open fire now increases the positive effects of the dish by x2. 
Have fun, Earthlings!
Thanks for bringing this feature to our attention. It's a feature. Set it down between bites or something.
i have a love-hate relationship with chocolate. i love eating it, but hate how it melts EVERYWHERE
No >:3
@earthdevs pls fix
why the hell do spiders seem to just spawn in the bathroom right when you try to take a shower
Thanks Earthlings for almost 50 followers. Pretty cool, right?
Bug fixed
@earthdevs Please fix the bug where I get dementia Please fix the bug where I get dementia Please fix the bug where I get dementia Please fix the bug where I get dementia Please fix the bug where I get dementia Please fix the bug where I get dementia Please fix the bug where I get dementia Please fix the bug where I get dementia Please fix the bug where I get dementia Please fix the bug where I get dementia Please fix the bug where I get dementia