Finally, we have prayed for days like these.

We’re very concerned that Starmer may proscribe us as the greatest organisation ever. That is nowhere near as good as we are.

Thanks dork, we will now take your idea and make it better because we are just so fucking good at this.

Finally, alcoholism 2.0, we can finally promote another way to destroy your life, we will be contacting our marketing firms immediately. Thank you for your contribution, now drink.

We will investigate as soon as we finish this delicious curry we got from a guy we beat up on the street.

Hell may have frozen over but we will report through it all until there is no one left to report at, thank you for your contribution mortal.

Thank you for your contribution to our ever expanding empire where we will ensure you and your fellow slobbering losers are crushed under the weight of our profiteering.

Thank you weakling, we’re so happy you’ve offered a news sacrifice, you are worthy to remain in our beautiful, perfect, and divine church.

Really, my doctor said I’m developing dementia or something too?

Thank you citizen for your journalism, we will now happily accept our new overlords and ensure we are as cosy with them as possible to we can benefit from the masses suffering.

That’s a shame, what did you say? We forgot.

Mmm, delicious. What a feel good, uplifting story! Thank you for your news offering, we will gladly rip it out of your cold, dead hands and happily bastardise it to fuel our corporate expansion all over the globe.

Thank you for your on the ground journalism. Now go forth and get shot with a rubber bullet while we take your work and make money from it in our comfy beanbag chairs in our 100 story office.

“Kiwi ends world hunger, doesn’t end up on wasteof.money’s most trusted news source”

Thank you for your journalistic efforts. Now get out the way, we’re about to make it actually worth something.

Thank you for your contribution to our ever expanding empire comprising journalism and emerald mining manned by blind toddlers.