Welcome to the official page of The Wasted Onion, The Only News Source. We post the most important and trustworthy journalism that shines light in the dark halls of power and asks the tough questions. They say “Democracy Dies in Darkness,” we say “Hey, We’ll Totally Trade You This Democracy That’s Collecting Dust in Our Attic for a $100 Amazon Gift Card.”
The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
‘You Think You Can Talk About Our Dad That Way?’ Scream Trump Boys, Beating TV With Bat
By The Wasted Onion: Microsoft Rereleases Xbox 360 At Budget Price Of $599.99
REDMOND, WA—Providing an exciting update to gamers across the world, tech giant Microsoft has announced it will rerelease the Xbox 360 console for the budget price of $599.99. “We are excited to announce to gamers today that we are going to be rereleasing the beloved Xbox 360 in its original, outdated state for the all-new budget price of $599.99, which is a price anyone can afford, even you broke as hell bastards,” said Microsoft Gaming CEO Phil Spencer while pointing at a man and laughing in his face for not having enough money to purchase the rereleased console. “All the things you love about Xbox 360 are still here, the iconic design, the simple interface, the 20GB of HDD storage and of course the adored red ring of death! Now yours again for the easily affordable price of $599.99. Go buy it. Now, bitch.” In a later statement, the company went on to justify the new price by explaining that the original 2005 price for the console of $399.99 adjusted for inflation is roughly $663.53 in 2025, making the price chosen “generous, especially given we fucking hate you and only want you for your wallet,” according to the statement. At press time, Phil Spencer said Xbox was already hard at work searching the office for old original Xbox consoles they can rerelease at a new price of $899.99.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Jimmy Kimmel To Interview Ghost Of Charlie Kirk On Return Episode Of ‘Jimmy Kimmel Live!’
Republicans Distract From Epstein Controversy By Each Sharing Most Embarrassing Moment Of Life
First Slice Of Orange Suggests Eating Rest Of Orange Gonna Be Real Fucking Slog
By The Wasted Onion: Met Chief: ‘AI Facial Recognition Not Used At Far-Right Protest Because It Only Recognises Minorities’
WESTMINSTER, LONDON—Explaining to the London Policing Board Sunday that while the technology is “effective,” Metropolitan Police Commissioner Sir Mark Rowley said that live facial recognition was not used at a recent far-right protest because it can only recognise minorities. “It's really important we're deploying it where there's an intelligence basis to do so, that's one of the safeguards. That you're not using it as a mass surveillance tool. You're using it in particular places where there is intelligence to say there is a person of colour nearby that might make some white guy upset because of their presence,” said the Met Chief to the board regarding the recent Unite the Kingdom protest organised by far-right figure and massive dickhead Tommy Robinson, in which the Met did not use LFR technology due to a “distinct lack” of minorities at the protest. “Look, we’re the Met, we’re famous for one thing and one thing only; rampant, never-ending racism and sexism. Our officers will happily murder a vulnerable woman like Sarah Everard, or not properly investigate the murder of Stephen Lawrence. It’s only natural that our mass surveillance tech would have a habit of signalling out minorities and other vulnerable groups while allowing racist white guys to attack our own officers with just a slap on the wrist.” Sir Rowley went on to say that the servers that run LFR had faced issues when trying to identify U.S. President Donald Trump, with his face being too orange for the technology to understand if Trump was a person or the Annoying Orange. At press time, Sir Rowley clarified that LFR would also flag anyone wearing clothes that could signal support for proscribed direct action group Palestine Action by giving them a five-star wanted level.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Britain, Canada, Australia Recognise Palestinians As Somewhat Akin To Human Beings
ICYMI: Trump Spends Entire U.K. Trip Trying To Figure Out Where He Knows Prince Andrew From
By The Wasted Onion: President Kiwi Signs Executive Order Mandating All Toilet Paper Must Use Over Orientation
THE INTERNET—Eagerly writing his name with a sense of purpose, wasteof President Kiwi signed an executive order Saturday mandating that all toilet paper be put on holders in the over orientation. “I am sick and tired of the constant bickering about what way toilet paper should be placed in a holder, it is dividing our nation and must be stopped. That’s why I am signing this executive order that will mandate all toilet paper be put in the over orientation from now on so we can put this ridiculous argument to bed,” said the president to the press composed of 1 reporter from The Wasted Onion called Greg. “To those who may disagree with me and feel that toilet paper should be in the under orientation; shut up. You’re painfully, insanely wrong. Just simply incorrect on every single level. You should be ashamed that you would even think that is the correct orientation.” Responses to the executive order was mixed, with wasteof users like @esben posting “hell yeah finally a president with some guts to deal with the real and important matters like toilet paper orientation!” while other users like @burrito posted “I don’t care I’m too busy gooning faster than a runaway train that derails and kills 20 
” At press time, wasteof owner Jeffalo responded to the executive order, saying “wait, since when did Kiwi actually have executive powers? I thought this whole president thing was a big joke?” before being carried away by Crack House security to be deported to “Hell on Earth,” also known as Birmingham.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @kiwi, thank you!
ICYMI: Bombshell ‘Wall Street Journal’ Investigation Finds Tyler Robinson Once Had Trans Uber Driver
Bored Trump Spends Night Channel Surfing For New Shows To Cancel
https://theonion.com/bored-trump-spends-night-channel-surfing-for-new-shows-to-cancel/
By The Wasted Onion: Bernie Sanders Becomes First Senator To Say Israel Might Be Bad
WASHINGTON—Speaking on the ongoing humanitarian crisis in Gaza, which has been characterised as a genocide by scholars and the UN Commission of Inquiry, Senator Bernie Sanders (I-VT) became the first to claim that Israel is maybe a little bad. “Over the last two years, Israel has not simply defended itself against Hamas. Instead, it has waged a somewhat not okay maybe kinda war against the entire Palestinian people. Many legal experts have now concluded that Israel is committing something not totally cool in Gaza. Some might say even bad,” said the progressive in a statement on his website. “I recognise that many people may disagree with this conclusion. The truth is, whether you call it bad or uncool or un-epic or not chill, the path forward is clear. We, as Americans, must end our complicity in the sorta not tubular killing of the Palestinian people.” Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu responded swiftly, saying that Sanders was “making dangerous insinuations" that Israel was “not entirely rad, which is gravely untrue.” At press time, Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) joined Sanders, saying that Israel was not being as “super chill and awesome” as the country claimed to be regarding the issue of Gaza.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Wasteof Did Not Go Down For Five Minutes On September 18th, 2025, You’re All Delusional
This special report was written and suggested by @juniperrr, thank you!
Netanyahu: ‘These So-Called Genocide Experts Have Probably Never Committed A Genocide In Their Lives’
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Report: Charlie Kirk Would Have Died In School Shooting If He Started Debating 8-Year-Olds Instead
this aged poorly
By The Wasted Onion: Charlie Kirk To Start Debating 8-Year-Olds After Losing Too Many Debates To College Kids
PHOENIX, AZ—Standing stoically in a video posted to his X/Twitter account Friday, Turning Point USA Founder and President Charlie Kirk announced he will begin debating 8-year-olds after losing one too many debates against college-aged kids. “As you all know, the radical left has been brainwashing our greatest minds for years now, those being that of 8-year-olds. I plan to go into elementary schools across the nation and confront their liberal propaganda head on to undo the damage and let them see the truth that conservatism is the future America needs and deserves, especially after how my ass was handed to me by sleep deprived college students,” said Mr. Kirk in a video with an elementary school in the background. “I don’t think you understand the true danger of transgender ideology being pushed by the woke liberal mind virus in your school. Don’t you see the constant stream of transgenderism around you in this establishment?” said the political pundit to an 8-year-old staring blankly at him while asking when he can leave to play with his friends in the playground. At press time, Charlie Kirk was seen yelling at a group of second graders painting rainbows in art class that they were “liberal shills” before being escorted out by security.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @dertermenter, thank you!
