Welcome to the official page of The Wasted Onion, The Only News Source. We post the most important and trustworthy journalism that shines light in the dark halls of power and asks the tough questions. They say “Democracy Dies in Darkness,” we say “Hey, We’ll Totally Trade You This Democracy That’s Collecting Dust in Our Attic for a $100 Amazon Gift Card.”
Find more kick-ass journalism at our website: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/
The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
ICYMI: Plex Submits $35 Bid For Warner Bros.
https://theonion.com/plex-submits-35-bid-for-warner-bros/
Study Finds 80% Of Americans Lack Social Connections To Pull Off Heist
https://theonion.com/study-finds-80-of-americans-lack-social-connections-to-pull-off-heist/
By The Wasted Onion: Trump Administration Removes MLK Day And Juneteenth From Nations Collective Memory
WASHINGTON—Harnessing the power of the executive branch Wednesday, the Trump administration has begun the process to remove Martin Luther King Jr. Day and Juneteenth from the collective memories of American citizens. “As part of the president’s courageous and righteous crusade to bring back merit to our great nation, the United States government is devising a plan to erase the so-called Martin Luther King Day and Juneteenth federal holidays from the memories of every single citizen of this great nation. The woke DEI programs instituted by crooked Joe Biden have made America weak. President Trump is making America great again by removing random shit that people aren’t even complaining about,” said White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt during a press briefing moments before a bright white light enveloped the room. “Huh? Where am I? Who are you people? What are we doing here? Um, hold on a moment. Ah yes, I’m here to call all you news whores little beta woke cuck losers,” said Leavitt with a blank expression on her face. Following what is believed to be the erasure of America’s memories, the White House had reportedly planted a new federal holiday into the public's memory called “Trump’s Penis Appreciation Month.” At press time, Trump officials were seen walking the walls of the White House in a dazed, confused state, indicating everything was running like normal after the memory erasure.
Can You Guys Come Pick Me Up? I Accidentally Returned To Mars
https://theonion.com/can-you-guys-come-pick-me-up-i-accidentally-returned-to-mars/
By The Wasted Onion: U.S. Invades Heard And McDonald Islands
WASHINGTON—Citing the supposed “immediate threat” that the territory poses to the nation's national security, U.S. President Donald Trump announced that he has ordered the military to deploy and invade the Heard and McDonald Islands. “My fellow Americans, today I have ordered the Department of War to deploy U.S. troops to disarm the Heard and McDonald’s [sic] Islands. They are very bad people, very bad. They are flightless, wet and way too big to be birds, birds are meant to be small. They have to be people, very bad people as I said. Their emperor is a very dangerous man, a strong man, very not good. We just have to take care of Heard and McDonald’s [sic]. They dumped hundreds of thousands of people into our zoos,” said Trump in an address to the nation. “These people on Heard and McDonald’s [sic] are very bad. They swim and waddle, what other people do that? They didn’t get my order for a Big Tasty and large strawberry milkshake right either, very bad at listening. We need to stop them. Our brave, very wonderful soldiers will beautifully stop them and put America first.” Sources close to the president believe he may have confused the island entirely inhabited by penguins as a nation formed by the fast food chain McDonald’s after Secretary of War Pete Hegseth drunkenly referred to the islands as “Big Macistan.” At press time, U.S. soldiers deployed to the islands had retreated after being pecked and out-manoeuvred by the flightless birds inhabiting the territory.
Japanese Monk Racks Brain For Haiku That Will Knock Them On Their Asses
https://theonion.com/japanese-monk-racksbrain-for-haiku-that-will-knockthem-on-their-asses/
The Wasted Onion Magazine: 174-Year-Old NYC Newsroom Still Serves News The Old Fashioned Way
JD Vance Reminded To Use White House Service Entrance
https://theonion.com/jd-vance-reminded-to-use-white-house-service-entrance/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Donald Trump Wins FIFA World Cup
This special report was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!
ICYMI: Vatican Formally Recognizes First Gen Z Demon
https://theonion.com/vatican-formally-recognizes-first-gen-z-demon/
By The Wasted Onion: MrBeast Completes BeastOS Software Update That Adds Dozen New Emotions To Memory Bank
GREENVILLE, NC—Buzzing and whirring as his motor functions and visual sensors rebooted after sitting in his docking station for roughly 30 minutes, YouTube star Jimmy Donaldson, better known as MrBeast, successfully completed an update to his BeastOS software, introducing 12 new emotions to his memory bank. “BeastOS 3.4.2 has been successfully installed. Activating newly installed emotion set, please wait. Success. Admiration, anger, awkwardness, boredom, confusion, craving, disgust, entrancement, joy, nostalgia, satisfaction and sexual desire now available emotional states,” said a motionless MrBeast in his docking station before unplugging himself and proceeding to find the nearest camera to film himself comparing a $1 grenade to a $100,000 grenade. “I'm about to show you how many people a half $1 million grenade kills and maims. I promise this is going to blow your mind. In this video, you will find out why it cost a quarter of $1 million and why I’m wanted in 5 different states for terror offences!” said the influencer as he used his face actuators to contort his silicone skin to mimic an enthusiastic smile. Hours after the 3.4.2 update, developers of the YouTubers OS released a hotfix to remove a bug that introduced the ability for the internet personality to feel empathy. At press time, MrBeast began shooting bullets from his eye sockets after he accidentally went into “terminate mode” when a journalist asked him about Beast Land and Saudi Arabia’s human rights record.
By The Wasted Onion: Netflix Announces Plan To Shutter Warner Bros. For Tax Write-Off After Acquisition
HOLLYWOOD, CA—Following the bombshell news that it would acquire the entertainment icon for a whopping $72 billion, streaming giant Netflix announced that it plans to shut down Warner Bros. for a tax write-off if it succeeds to acquire the company. “Our mission has always been to entertain the world. By combining Warner Bros.’ incredible library of shows and movies—from timeless classics like Casablanca and Citizen Kane to modern favorites like Harry Potter and Friends—with our culture-defining titles like Stranger Things, KPop Demon Hunters and Squid Game, we'll be able to get an even fatter tax write-off, the likes of which you have never seen before. Together, we can give audiences more of what we force upon them and help define the next century of storytelling by increasing shareholder value at any and all costs to the detriment of creatives everywhere no matter where they hide,” said co-CEO of Netflix Ted Sarandos. “With our global reach and proven business model, we can strip Warner Bros. for parts as we kill project after project for tax write-offs—giving our members less options, forcing more fans into our worst-in-class streaming service, consolidating the entire entertainment industry and creating as much goddamn value for shareholders as we can,” continued co-CEO of Netflix Greg Peters. In a brief interview with lesser news outlet Variety, CEO of Warner Bros. Discovery David Zaslav was seen giddily jumping on his tippy toes at the prospect of monumental layoffs and tax write-offs. At press time, Netflix announced it plans to acquire you for $1, going on to explain that it would need to layoff your left kidney and spleen to help finance the deal.
