@wastedonion

From The Wasted Onion Editorial Board: The Wasted Onion Officially Endorses Kamala Harris For Wasteof President

Throughout its 290-year existence, The Wasted Onion has made endorsing the objectively correct candidate a vital part of its election coverage. From Benito Mussolini to Adolf Hitler, The Only News Source has always made the right call. This institution's editorial board has proven itself to always be correct in every single election to ever happen anywhere ever. Now, with this website at a pivotal point, staring down the canyon of decision, The Wasted Onion faces its own in endorsing a candidate to head the Crack House. That’s why we are officially endorsing Kamala Harris for president of wasteof.money. To our loyal subjects, understand this decision was not an easy one. In these times of assassinations, we must stand above it to say what must be said, unlike supposed “papers of record“ like The New York Times or The Guardian. Kamala Harris is the only sensible choice this election, not just does she know fuck all about this website, she doesn’t even know it exists, which puts her in the perfect position to run it into the ground, which would be a fantastic waste of money. Not just that, but since she is not running in this election, she will be able to handle losing after her failed U.S. presidential bid won by a certain someone. So The Wasted Onion humbly asks you to vote for Kamala Harris, but if that doesn’t pan out we can endorse Hillary Clinton as a backup.

Daily Election Update: On the final day of the election, we are able to report that we are glad the pain is almost over, just a day left of this relentless torture following these halfwits remains.

Updates from the campaign trail:

• In a scathing attack against his main rival, Oren posted to wasteof saying “The Kiwi party has now supported terrorism. I call on kiwi to ask thrat to assassinate him, or to stand down from the election. It's only fair kiwi also faces the same fate as tallpeter!”

• Posting another graphic styled like an old Apple Macintosh advert, Kiwi claimed that “Only with your vote can we realize the twenty-six-thousand promises we've set out to accomplish over the course of this year.”

• Posting to wasteof as well in absolute shock, The-Owlsss wrote “holy shit guys me and the boys just declared bankruptcy by accident. I can still run for president, right?”

• It’s been an honour V1 to mention your existence in this race unlike those elitist partisan idiots from the mainstream media, remember how The Wasted Onion never forgot.

• After careful analysis by our resident financial experts, it has been determined economically feasible that Pufferfish101007 can achieve their campaign promise to “be cute :3” given current forecasts.

• Today WannaBeRose didn’t insult The Only News Source, mainly after seeing how exhausted our cabal of reporters covering each candidate in this race are after running around to keep up with this gruelling never ending bullshit.

Election Coverage: @Kiwi Reminds Voters That He Doesn’t Know Who @Blaze Is

THE INTERNET—Frantically taking to his wasteof profile to respond to rumours swirling around his knowledge regarding the social media platform that originated from his opponent Oren, Kiwi reminded voters Saturday he does not know what or who Blaze is. “I hate to initiate another yapfest, but a good president actually responds to controversy instead of sweeping it under the rug. First of all, I’ve never heard of this Blaze guy in the first place. Them wanting to move wasteof to Wix was something I was completely unprepared for and have no involvement with. I don’t even know what tech Kyle is,” said the post in part Saturday evening. “Secondly, you’re right, Blaze is a weird website. I hereby pledge to never make ties with Blaze. Thirdly, vote for the candidate that doesn’t accuse random candidates of wanting to move wasteof over to Wix alongside Blaze. Vote for Kiwi.” Fellow candidate Oren quickly responded, writing to his wasteof page claiming “The Kiwi party knows who Blaze is. I heard them murmuring about that weird crypto coin they released. I call on Kiwi to denounce Blaze, or to stand down from the election. Vote Oren for no Wix sites!” At press time, Blaze made a post on its wasteof account claiming it does not use Wix to host its site, but rather an Acer Chromebook 11 from 2016.

This stories headline was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!

ICYMI: Wimbledon Player Issued Violation For Un-British Display Of Emotion

https://theonion.com/wimbledon-player-issued-violation-for-un-british-display-of-emotion/

Daily Election Update: After the assassination of TallPeter, candidates have been sending condolences as well as soberly reflecting on whether they’re also screwed.

Updates from the campaign trail:

• Posting an image of himself to wasteof wearing a balaclava and sunglasses as well as making gestures to the camera, voters are now confused as to whether Oren is an ICE agent or a member of MS13 that needs to be sent to El Salvador.

• Apologising for writing excessively long posts on wasteof, Kiwi has promised to rewrite all of his posts into Wingdings to win back voters.

• Forgetting they were still on the air on lesser news outlet MSNBC, The-Owlsss said “I ain’t scared of any assassins! I’ve played all the Assassin Creed games! Yeehaw!”

• Hello Thrat, we here in The Wasted Onion newsroom saw your post admitting to murdering TallPeter and that you may kill Oren if we don’t write about you. Well, here you are, you are in The Only News Source, soak up all that attention you crave and heed the killings.

• Through these turbulent times, V1 is still mentioned in The Wasted Onion unlike those slackers at CNN and Fox News.

• In a shocking revelation, Pufferfish101007 has not added more to their manifesto at a later date even though it is now a later date.

• WannaBeRose didn’t have time to insult us today due to mourning the loss of TallPeter, a truly towering tall guy taller than all the other tall people who are tall but not as tall as TallPeter.

By The Wasted Onion: Wumpus Files For Bankruptcy After Years Of Underpayment By Discord

SAN FRANCISCO, CA—Sobbing outside a local law firm with cartoon flies coming out of his pockets, Discord mascot Wumpus filed for bankruptcy Saturday after years of underpayment from the messaging service. “I can’t fucking do this man, I’m gonna lose my house. My wife has fucking left me and took the goddamn kids! She took everything on her way out other than Nibbles over there,” said Mr. Wumpus in an interview with The Wasted Onion at his home which had multiple couples viewing the home. “Those assholes over at Discord paid me jackshit! You’d think that being the face of the company would warrant a good wage, but not in this economy. They are paying me in server boosts! What the hell am I meant to do with those?” A Discord spokesperson who was hunted down by The Wasted Onion said that “we deny that we pay Mr. Wumpus in server boosts, we pay him in avatar decorations.” Towards the end of the interview, Mr. Wumpus’s wife Mrs. Wumpus entered the home and hurriedly grabbed the family pet cat Nibbles before leaving without saying a word, leaving Mr. Wumpus bawling like a baby.

This stories headline was written and suggested by @the-owlsss, thank you!

Statement From Clef Bozos, CEO Of The Wasted Onion: I and everyone else at The Wasted Onion would like to send our deepest condolences to TallPeter, his family, friends and running mate Dertermenter. Unfortunately due to being a heartless mega-corporation and monopoly, our condolences are as deep as a puddle, but as the old saying goes, it's the thought that counts, and we think real big here at The Only News Source. Effective immediately, we will withdraw all of our lawsuits against TallPeter and will donate the money from our puppy mill business to the Little People For America charity. We are also appalled to hear that TallPeter was shot near one of our trillion offices, violence is never the answer, unless the violence is against a Palestinian. Finally, while I and TallPeter had our ups and downs over the course of this campaign, I always respected his unwavering commitment to stature, and that is what we here at The Wasted Onion strive for in our reporting, the stature to say and do shit no one could even imagine. May TallPeter rest easy knowing he has a permanent mark on us, in every orifice of our bodies, even the forbidden ones.

ICE Has Gall To Leave Raided Restaurant Negative Review

https://theonion.com/ice-has-gall-to-leave-raided-restaurant-negative-review/

Daily Election Update: Today candidates were busy on the campaign trail trying to rack up more votes in the final days of the election while also yapping way too fucking much.

Updates from the campaign trail:

• Posting to wasteof today, Oren said “Guess who just voted for Oren and grunklebillsback? My mom did. That means now one of my parents has voted for us. They know that an Oren-grunkle presidency is the way forward for wasteof.”

• Kiwi was locked into a posting frenzy with Oren’s running mate GrunkleBillsBack over their differing policies. We trawled through their posts to cut beyond the noise and tell our readers the important takeaway from this conversation: fucking nothing.

• The-Owlsss obeyed The Only News Source and thanked us for our world-class journalism. In return we will continue our news assault upon the entire world’s population.

• Due to yet again failing to retract his threat to ban The Wasted Onion’s journalist’s from the Oval Office if elected, TallPeter has gotten even shorter.

• Don’t worry, V1 is still being mentioned in The Wasted Onion, unlike those hacks at lesser news outlets like The Associated Press or The New York Times.

• Pledging to make wearing cat ears on Friday’s mandatory, which has been seen as a swipe at the Democratic party establishment, Pufferfish101007 was seen yelling “Dear liberals, nyaa!”

• WannaBeRose has yet to hurt our feelings in any meaningful way. What? These aren’t tears, something just got in our eyes!

Study Finds Curative Power Of Prayer Limited To Genital Warts

https://theonion.com/study-finds-curative-power-of-prayer-limited-to-genital-warts/

By The Wasted Onion: Starmer Proscribes Suffragettes As Terrorists

LONDON—Condemning the women's rights political movement as “disgraceful” and describing its demonstrations as “acts of vandalism,” British Prime Minister Sir Keir Starmer said he will move to proscribe the suffragettes as a terrorist group under anti-terrorism laws. “I have decided to proscribe the Women's Social and Political Union, also known as the suffragettes under section 3 of the Terrorism Act 2000. A draft proscription order will be laid in Parliament on Monday. If passed, it will make it illegal to be a member of, or invite support for the suffragettes,” said Home Secretary Yvette Cooper in a statement to parliament. “Since its inception in 1903, the WSPU has orchestrated a nationwide campaign of direct criminal action against businesses and institutions, including key national infrastructure with the aim of progressing its political cause and influencing the Government to give women who won’t shut the fuck up the right to vote. Given significant public concern over recent activities by this group, I have decided to confirm this decision to proscribe these annoying women that don’t listen to their husbands to the landfill.” At press time, the Government was reportedly seeking legal advice on if it could proscribe the BBC as terrorists for broadcasting Bob Vylan’s Glastonbury performance.

This stories headline was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!

Daily Election Update: With the campaign trudging along, the citizens of wasteof are growing weak from all the memes, yearning for the sweet release of death.

Updates from the campaign trail:

• At a morning rally today, Oren said “vote for Oren, the President that will serve you. That’s right, we’re going to serve you all lawsuits! Vote for legal obliteration!”

• Kiwi posted a graphic parodying a classic Apple Macintosh advert on wasteof, replacing the text with the entire script for the 2017 film The Emoji Movie.

• The-Owlsss also posted on wasteof, saying “fellas, would you like to have a president that sees a dollar amount and says ‘fuck it we ball’ no matter how many people suffer? if so, I’m the president for you!”

• After threatening to ban The Wasted Onion’s journalists from the Oval Office if he’s elected, TallPeter inexplicably shrunk to the height of a below-average person.

• Being eliminated from the race for not confirming a running mate, Elsie was seen dancing off into the sunset. Our journalists can rest now.

• V1 did their duty by thanking The Only News Source for covering their campaign unlike lesser news outlets. In return we will continue to mention them, you’re welcome.

• Pufferfish101007 pledged at a rally this afternoon that naughty people will be deported to the backrooms.

• Shattering our reconciliation from yesterday, WannaBeRose mocked us again by saying we stink. We don’t! We smell like freshly picked roses! We’re not upset! You are!

Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Wasted Onion CEO Clef Bozos Buys Oval Office, Bans TallPeter And Dertermenter

FDA Recalls 3 Oranges To Prove They Can Juggle

https://theonion.com/fda-recalls-3-oranges-to-prove-they-can-juggle/

Statement From Paul Woodman, Head Of Legal At The Wasted Onion: The Wasted Onion condemns the gross threat by presidential candidate TallPeter to ban our reporters from the Oval Office. Not just is it a threat against democracy, it is an attack against the greatest and sexiest news source to grace the planet which you miserable slobs call home. Due to these comments, The Wasted Onion’s parent business The Wasted Company has filed a lawsuit against TallPeter for infringing on our freedom of speech. We will win this lawsuit, as we know we’re standing on the right side of history, as well as having full control over the world’s legal systems. We urge TallPeter to remember who holds the cards here, because we didn’t take over every major financial institution with kindness and a can-do attitude, we did it the old fashioned way with unyielding and unfettered capitalism. TallPeter must also remember we have rigged every election from U.S. presidents to Discord moderators, and we are not afraid to ensure TallPeter “accidentally“ doesn’t appear on ballot papers any more, that would be such a shame. So remember, The Only News Source is the divine light in a world shrouded in darkness, and to try and defy this natural order is akin to killing your own dog by accident in Minecraft, with the pain lingering for the rest of your insignificant life.