Welcome to the official page of The Wasted Onion, The Only News Source. We post the most important and trustworthy journalism that shines light in the dark halls of power and asks the tough questions. They say “Democracy Dies in Darkness,” we say “Hey, We’ll Totally Trade You This Democracy That’s Collecting Dust in Our Attic for a $100 Amazon Gift Card.”
Find more kick-ass journalism at our website: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/
The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: New CAPTCHA Requires Users Send Ejaculate Sample To Prove They Human
CIA Under Fire For Arming Group Of Rowdy 7-Year-Olds
https://theonion.com/cia-under-fire-for-arming-group-of-rowdy-7-year-olds/
By The Wasted Onion: Starmer Promises MPs Will Get Free Taco Tuesdays If He Remains Prime Minister
LONDON—In an effort to regain the support of his party following heavy losses in local elections across the nation, British Prime Minister Sir Keir Starmer promised to institute "Taco Tuesdays" every week in the House of Commons for Labour MPs as long as they keep him as PM.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/starmer-promises-mps-will-get-free-taco-tuesdays-if-he-remains-prime-minister/
Gas Station Price Sign Using Scientific Notation
https://theonion.com/gas-station-price-sign-using-scientific-notation/
By The Wasted Onion: RFK Jr. Calls Dibs On Trump's Penis When He Dies
WASHINGTON—Making sure that he would not be beaten to the punch by other members of the Trump administration, Secretary of Health and Human Services RFK Jr. called dibs on President Trump's penis during a cabinet meeting.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/rfk-jr-calls-dibs-on-trumps-penis-when-he-dies/
Taylor Swift Adds Additional Wedding Dates In L.A., Miami, Boston
https://theonion.com/taylor-swift-adds-additional-wedding-dates-in-l-a-miami-boston/
By The Wasted Onion: Reform Councillor Confused After Being Told He Can’t Make Executive Orders
WALSALL, ENGLAND—Distraught after being informed that British politics functions in a different manner to other nations like the U.S., Thomas Hale, a newly elected Reform UK councillor for Walsall, expressed confusion after being told he cannot make executive orders.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/reform-councillor-confused-after-being-told-he-can't-make-executive-orders/
This stories headline was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!
ICYMI: Taking Advantage Of Other People Was The Best Financial Decision I Ever Made
https://theonion.com/taking-advantage-of-other-people-was-the-best-financial-decision-i-ever-made/
By The Wasted Onion: Farage Celebrates Local Election Wins By Singing Hitler Youth Songs
HAVERING, ENGLAND—In the wake of massive gains in local elections across England, Scotland, and Wales, Reform UK leader Nigel Farage celebrated his party's success Friday by singing his favourite Hitler Youth songs.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/farage-celebrates-local-election-wins-by-singing-hitler-youth-songs/
Church Of Scientology Speedrunner Screams After Barging In On Xenu Taking Bath
https://theonion.com/church-of-scientology-speedrunner-screams-after-barging-in-on-xenu-taking-bath/
By The Wasted Onion: World Eye-Rolls As Writers For 2026 Rehash Pandemic Plotline From 2020
TENERIFE, CANARY ISLANDS—Disappointed at the lack of imagination of the latest season of Earth, everyone across the world rolled their eyes Thursday after writers for 2026 introduced a new plotline involving a cruise ship afflicted by an outbreak of a mysterious new strain of a virus, stoking fears of a pandemic, sounding eerily similar to the coronavirus plotline from 2020.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/world-eye-rolls-as-writers-for-2026-rehash-pandemic-plotline-from-2020/
Trump Shares Recipe For Famous ‘Better Than Pedophilia’ Cake
https://theonion.com/trump-shares-recipe-for-famous-better-than-pedophilia-cake/
By The Wasted Onion: Man Dies After Refusing Heart Transplant, Demanding ‘Cisplant’ Instead
ADELAIDE, AUSTRALIA—Leaving his family mourning as he was laid to rest Wednesday, local man Logan Hansen died at the age of 53 from heart failure after refusing a heart transplant while demanding to have a "cisplant" instead.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/man-dies-after-refusing-heart-transplant-demanding-cisplant-instead/
By The Wasted Onion: Wasteof Returns As Paid Subscription Service
THE INTERNET—After several months of being completely offline from the internet due to technical issues, Swiss social media site wasteof.money has returned as a paid subscription service.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/wasteof-returns-as-paid-subscription-service/
