Welcome to the official page of The Wasted Onion, The Only News Source. We post the most important and trustworthy journalism that shines light in the dark halls of power and asks the tough questions. They say “Democracy Dies in Darkness,” we say “Hey, We’ll Totally Trade You This Democracy That’s Collecting Dust in Our Attic for a $100 Amazon Gift Card.”
The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Wasteof @Election Account Announces Candidates Will Fight To The Death In Colosseum
By The Wasted Onion: Flat-Earthers Stunned After Going To Space To Find Earth Is Actually Triangle
HOUSTON, TX—Looking on in complete shock and astonishment at what they were witnessing, a group of flat-earthers sent up into space by NASA were stunned to see that the Earth was neither flat or spherical, but rather triangular. “I don’t know what to say, I’ve spent so many years trying to uncover the government cover-up over the Earth being round. I was certain it was flat, it had to have been. But I’m wrong, its a triangle. My God, now I’m scared of standing on one of the corners, I might get cut,” said Harold Renfield, a flat-earther part of the mission who was seen leaving the space shuttle with tears rolling down his face and a wet patch on his crotch that reportedly smelled of urine. “I’m honestly kinda pissed too, I mean I gave up on the whole Illuminati conspiracy stuff years ago after that fell out of favour and moved on to the flat Earth conspiracy. But now I see the truth, the Illuminati is real, and they control the very shape of the planet! Run!” Mr. Renfield then proceeded to duck under a nearby table and sob like a baby. At press time, the NIH announced it planned to invite conspiracy theorist Alex Jones to show him that the frogs are turning the friggin’ water gay, not the other way around.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @esben, thank you!
RFK Jr.: Vaccines No More Effective Than Drinking Horseshoe Crab Blood Straight
https://theonion.com/rfk-jr-vaccines-no-more-effective-than-drinking-horseshoe-crab-blood-straight/
Slightly Older Sources Report If You Think Body Feels Bad Now, Just Wait
https://theonion.com/slightly-older-sources-report-if-you-think-body-feels-bad-now-just-wait/
By The Wasted Onion: Community Concerned After Man Known For ‘Praising The Divine Light’ Of Coca-Cola Vending Machine Mysteriously Disappears
SWAN HILL, AUSTRALIA—Sparking fears amongst his community for his safety, local man Oliver Walker, known for “praising the divine light” of a Coca-Cola vending machine, has mysteriously disappeared. “We are appealing for information from those that were at a Coca-Cola vending machine on Wednesday 25th of June at 1am in regards to the disappearance of Oliver Walker, who we believe was at one honouring the refreshing powers of the beverage,” said police chief Isla Martin, presenting an empty can of Coca-Cola with kisses all over it, which were confirmed to be that of Mr. Walker, presumably from an early morning cola kissing frenzy. “If you or anyone you know saw a man hugging a vending machine and yelling about his devotion to the Coke Gods, then please get in touch. We are also looking for any donations of Coca-Cola, as we believe we can use it to draw Oliver out like a wild animal.” Locals who spoke to The Wasted Onion at gunpoint said Mr. Walker is a fixture of the area, known for his desire to be sent to Coke Heaven and also adored by executives of The Coca-Cola Company for endlessly drinking their sugar poison. At press time, the police said they had narrowed the search area for Mr. Walker as they believe he maybe in a Coke-induced sugar coma.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @theglasspenguin, thank you!
By The Wasted Onion: Trump Nukes Iraq Instead Of Iran By Accident
WASHINGTON—In a seemingly massive political and strategic blunder, President Donald Trump ordered the nuking of Iraq rather than the intended target of neighbouring Iran. “We have completed our very successful attack on Iraq. A full payload of NUCLEAR BOMBS was dropped on Baghdad. There is no other military in the WORLD that could do something like this. NOW IS TIME TO MOVE ON! Thank you for your attention on this matter,” said a post by the President on Truth Social, causing confused reactions from Trump's allies and opponents alike. “The LAMESTREAM MEDIA and Lefty Lunatics are trying to say I bombed the wrong country. THEY ARE WRONG! I PLANNED TO BOMB IRAN (IRAQ!) ALL ALONG! Thank you for your attention on this matter! DONALD J. TRUMP, PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES,” read another post shared mere minutes after the previous in a likely attempt to dispel rumours he did in fact nuke the wrong middle eastern nation. Hours later at a press briefing, Secretary of Defence Pete Hegseth confirmed the U.S. had used 3 nuclear warheads on Iran, or Iraq, interchanging between them while taking swigs from a bottle of Jack Daniels. At press time, sources inside the Pentagon indicated officials were scouring for old boxes filled with unused propaganda from the Bush administration to accuse Iraq of building weapons of mass destruction again.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @eris, thank you!
Bezos Wedding Guests Given Monogrammed Plastic Bottles To Urinate In During Ceremony
FEMA Head Under Fire After Accidentally Playing Porn On Emergency Alert System
https://theonion.com/fema-head-under-fire-after-accidentally-playing-porn-on-emergency-alert-system/
By The Wasted Onion: Local Doctor Scared To Death After Noticing Name Of iPhone Manufacturer
CENTENNIAL, CO—Ending in a tragic loss of life due to an unforeseen risk affecting doctors across the world, local cardiologist Dr. Frank Valdez was scared to death Tuesday after realising the manufacturer of the iPhone was called Apple. “It is with great sadness we must announce the tragic death of our beloved Frank Valdez. We ask for privacy at this time to grieve. We miss him dearly, his life ending far too short, meaning he won’t get to try the Liquid Glass interface in iOS 26,” said a statement from Dr. Valdez’s family. “It happened all so suddenly, I remember we just finished our shifts and were walking to our cars in the parking lot when Frank got out his phone to read a text and dropped it. When he went to pick it up he saw the logo and remembered the company was called Apple, then bam! He gasped and collapsed right there,” said Emily Rogers, a nurse who worked with Dr. Valdez who witnessed his untimely death. “What’s worse is that he was about to upgrade to an iPhone 16.” In a written statement to The Wasted Onion, the iPhone maker said it intentionally named itself Apple as “an Apple a day keeps the doctor away, as well as away from investigating the negative effects of using our products,” with a video attached of CEO Tim Cook walking into a paediatric hospital holding a Samsung Galaxy Note 7.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @lattecaramel, thank you!
Pete Hegseth Wondering Whether Uranium Would Be A Good Mixer
https://theonion.com/pete-hegseth-wondering-whether-uranium-would-be-a-good-mixer/
By The Wasted Onion: Trump To Remove Tax On Bribes
WASHINGTON—In a startling alteration to the nation's taxation laws, President Donald Trump announced Monday he has instructed the IRS to remove taxes on bribes. “I have told the IRS that they need to cut taxes for our nation's beautiful bribers, we have to do it, very important work. It’s vital I keep my promise to make as much money as I can out of this shitshow,” said the President in a televised address from the White House with a group of Saudi Arabian and Chinese business people standing behind him waving stacks of 100 dollar bills. “If you're a restaurant worker, a server, a valet, a bellhop, a bartender, one of my many foreign handlers, your bribes will be 100% mine and every other politician across this great nation.” Trump went on to exchange fiery words with the White House press pool, accusing journalists of peddling “lies and fake news,” while going on to praise The Wasted Onion’s White House Correspondent Jeffery Epstein as “a wonderful man” and “very kind” to him. At press time, Trump suggested further changes to the country’s tax laws, such as removing taxes for planes from Qatar worth approximately 400 million dollars.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!
Statement From Clef Bozos, CEO Of The Wasted Onion: Here at The Only News Source, our goal has been to bathe the darkest, murkiest corners of the world in the shining light of exceptional journalism. We have not just successfully done that since 1734, but since my tenure beginning in 1856, I have expanded our operations beyond any known borders, including the space time continuum. After forming The Wasted Onion’s parent business known as The Wasted Company, we’ve expanded into consulting, marketing, tax evading, lobbying for big tobacco, book burning, and the rigging of over 118 local and national elections across the globe. With The Crack Houses latest announcement that it will allocate the rest of its funding for this year to The Wasted Onion to secure the future of parody news, we just know we will be able to do even more fucked up cool as hell bullshit. I for one cannot wait to have those two cartoon flies whirling around me, entering any and all of my available orifices. Mmm, delicious. I’m getting excited just thinking about it. You and your fellow peasants may feel a small, gentle, 9.5 magnitude sized impact upon your miserable lives, but we feel it is worth it for our wonderful, sexy plans. Just remember, we matter, you don’t. Remember that consuming the fruits of our journalistic labour contributes to 1 of your 5 a day. Now go forth and consume. That’s right, down the hatch. It's scrumptious, isn’t it? Slurp it up, all of it.
I have watched and studied the way the people of wasteof and the Crack House use our money, how they engage our budget.
As the official Treasurer of the Crack House, the money of this platform is my responsibility, and therefore it is up to me to waste it. After months of consideration, I have found the perfect source to receive funding directly from the Crack House.
It is with immense pleasure that I announce that @wastedonion will be receiving the rest of this year's funding — that being the two cartoon flies in my wallet — to push towards the future of parody parody news. I hope that these flies find a rightful place either on your news team or as a bartering tool of some sort.
I understand that there may be some speculation over the cause of this funding. I can assure you that the fact that both the Wasted Onion and the Crack House have the same owner is purely coincidental, and is not a scheme to put more flies in the hands of our benevolent leader. I hope this clears up any possible confusion.
As for the future, the election seems to be rapidly approaching. Although no results of the election are predetermined, I plan on running for another government position, and I hope that my actions during this present term allow you to put complete faith in me for whatever the future may hold.
With all due respect, Toaks
Editorial: Congress, Now More Than Ever, Our Nation Needs Your Cowardice
https://theonion.com/letter-to-congress/
From The Archives: This War Will Destabilize The Entire Mideast Region And Set Off A Global Shockwave Of Anti-Americanism vs. No It Won’t
https://theonion.com/this-war-will-destabilize-the-entire-mideast-region-and-1819594296/
Why I’m Sending Issues of ‘The Onion’ To Every Member Of Congress
https://theonion.com/why-im-sending-issues-of-the-onion-to-every-member-of-congress/
