Welcome to the official page of The Wasted Onion, The Only News Source. We post the most important and trustworthy journalism that shines light in the dark halls of power and asks the tough questions. They say “Democracy Dies in Darkness,” we say “Hey, We’ll Totally Trade You This Democracy That’s Collecting Dust in Our Attic for a $100 Amazon Gift Card.”
Find more kick-ass journalism at our website: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/
The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
By The Wasted Onion: UK Inquiry Into Bad Thing Finds Thing Was Bad
COVENTRY, ENGLAND—Concluding the extensive process of examining the circumstances surrounding a bad thing that left the UK public reeling years prior, a public inquiry has concluded that the bad thing was indeed bad.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/uk-inquiry-into-bad-thing-finds-thing-was-bad/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: U.S.-Iran Peace Talks Put ‘Bad’ In ‘Islamabad’
https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/special/us-iran-peace-talks-put-bad-in-islamabad/
By The Wasted Onion: Heed My Warning, The Mexicans Are Gonna Invade America And Make Us The United States Of Mexico!
My fellow patriots, I come with horrific news that threatens to bring an end to the great American experiment after 250 years of good ol' fashioned americana, and I fear if no one heeds my warning in time, the United States of America will be nothing but a fleeting memory told around campfires.
This story was suggested by @owl, thank you!
By The Wasted Onion: Melania Trump Prompts Confusion After Surprise Speech Denying She Cheated On Husband
WASHINGTON—Causing bafflement across the world as she made a surprise address to the nation from the White House Thursday, U.S. First Lady Melania Trump denied that she has ever cheated on her husband, U.S. President Donald Trump.
The Wasted Onion Magazine: Houston, We Have A Problem: Has The Moon Put On Some Weight Since We Last Visited?
By The Wasted Onion: U.S., Israel, Iran Agree To Wait 2 Weeks Before Destroying Each Other
TEHRAN, IRAN—Following more than a month of intense hostilities between the countries that has shook the world economy and resulted in the death of thousands of Iranian citizens, the U.S., Israel and Iran have agreed to a deal mediated by Pakistan in which the nations will wait 2 weeks before destroying each other.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/us-israel-iran-agree-to-wait-2-weeks-before-destroying-each-other/
By The Wasted Onion: Artemis II Crew Confirm Moon Is An Egg
HOUSTON, TX—Having successfully swung around the far side of the Moon and re-establishing contact with mission control after an expected 40-minute communication blackout, astronauts aboard the Artemis II mission's Orion spacecraft confirmed the Moon was an egg.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/artemis-ii-crew-confirm-moon-is-an-egg/
This stories headline was written and suggested by @juniperrr, thank you!
By The Wasted Onion: Jake Paul Appointed As New Attorney General
WASHINGTON—In a stunning decision that has left observers and lawmakers shocked Monday, U.S. President Donald Trump has appointed influencer and boxer Jake Paul as attorney general.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/jake-paul-appointed-as-new-attorney-general/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Earth Still Sexy For Being 4.54 Billion-Years-Old In New Photos
By The Wasted Onion: Trump To Send Iran Back To Stone Age Using Hot Tub Time Machine
WASHINGTON—During a primetime address to the nation Wednesday evening at the White House, his first since beginning the Iran war, U.S. President Donald Trump warned Iran that he would send the country "back to the Stone Ages" using his hot tub time machine.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/trump-to-send-iran-back-to-stone-age-using-hot-tub-time-machine/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Pam Bondi ‘Transitioning’ To Private Sector Role Like The Woke Snowflake She Is
By The Wasted Onion: Israel Says Journalism Antisemitic After Killing 3 Lebanese Journalists
JEZZINE, LEBANON—In the aftermath of an Israeli airstrike that killed 3 Lebanese journalists, Ali Shoeib of Al-Manar TV, as well as siblings Fatima and Mohamed Ftouni of Al Mayadeen, officials for the Israel Defense Forces said that the act of journalism is antisemitic.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/israel-says-journalism-antisemitic-after-killing-3-lebanese-journalists/
The Wasted Onion Newspaper: March 2026
https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/print/the-wasted-onion-newspaper-march-2026/
By The Wasted Onion: Trump Scribbles Own Face On Newly Printed Dollar Bills With Sharpie
WASHINGTON—In the wake of the announcement that his signature will appear on the nations currency later in the year, U.S. President Donald Trump was seen at the Bureau of Engraving and Printing's Washington D.C. facility scribbling his face onto every newly printed dollar bill with a black Sharpie.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/trump-scribbles-own-face-on-newly-printed-dollar-bills-with-sharpie/
This stories headline was written and suggested by @owl, thank you!
By The Wasted Onion: Unexpected Leak Of Windows 27 Reveals OS Still Shit But In Own Unique Way
REDMOND, WA—Leaving the tech world shocked Thursday, an unexpected leak of tech giant Microsoft's internal development code revealed an early build of a future version of its flagship Windows OS codenamed "Windows 27," with first impressions indicating that its still shit but in its own unique way.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/unexpected-leak-of-windows-27-reveals-os-still-shit-but-in-own-unique-way/
This stories headline was written and suggested by @owl, thank you!
