Welcome to the official page of The Wasted Onion, The Only News Source. We post the most important and trustworthy journalism that shines light in the dark halls of power and asks the tough questions. They say “Democracy Dies in Darkness,” we say “Hey, We’ll Totally Trade You This Democracy That’s Collecting Dust in Our Attic for a $100 Amazon Gift Card.”
The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
By The Wasted Onion: The Wasted Onion Has Used The Advertising Revenue From Its Wasteof Account To Purchase One Of Those Little Bags Of Skittles
BOSTON—As a celebration for achieving 100 posts on its wasteof profile, The Wasted Onion released a statement Saturday announcing it has used all the advertising revenue made from its wasteof account to purchase one of those little snack sized bags of Skittles. “Given the success of our presence on wasteof, achieving a cumulative view count of 25 trillion across all of our posts, The Wasted Onion’s finance department has approved the purchase of one of those cute little bags of Skittles that look just adorable,” the statement read in part, going on to explain that the little bag filled with bite sized candies “weighs 61.5g while being affordably priced at $1.20 from our local Walmart” and noting that its snackable, portable size made it ideal to pass around the boardroom. “We’ve already handed out all the Skittles to our board members, they got 2 each, which is more than we expected. As a member of the executive team, I’d like to thank you, dear readers, for we would not be able to reach this milestone without your unwavering and frankly frightening levels of devotion to our reporting.” At press time, The Wasted Onion has frantically begun posting to reach 200 posts so it can purchase a larger bag of Skittles which can be shared amongst the newsroom and children working at the company’s international coal mining facilities.
New Clearblue Test Comes With Flight Voucher In Case Result Positive
https://theonion.com/new-clearblue-test-comes-with-flight-voucher-in-case-result-positive/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Jeffalo Executes Half Of Wasteof Discord Server Members By Firing Squad
Trump Boasts About Strong-Arming Trump Into Pausing Tariffs
https://theonion.com/trump-boasts-about-strong-arming-trump-into-pausing-tariffs/
Trump Boys Hook Dollar Bill Up To Potato To Make Cryptocurrency
https://theonion.com/trump-boys-hook-dollar-bill-up-to-potato-to-make-cryptocurrency/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Nintendo Increases Price Of Mario Kart World In U.S. To $8,999,999 Due To Tariffs
Reports indicate there will not be any Nintendo Switch 2 games that cost 9 million dollars.
Man Who Bumped Tesla While Parallel Parking Sentenced To Death
https://theonion.com/man-who-bumped-tesla-while-parallel-parking-sentenced-to-death/
The Doctors Telling Us Not To Drink Our Urine Probably Just Want It For Themselves
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Prices At Trump Merch Store Set To Triple Because Of Tariffs
NEW YORK—In response to sweeping tariffs rocking markets worldwide imposed by President Donald Trump, the Trump Store has announced prices of Trump merchandise will triple. “After assessing the potential impact of tariffs and evolving market conditions, we have made the difficult decision to increase our prices,” said Trump Organization spokesperson Mia Karnow at a press event outside Trump Tower. “While we understand the frustration many customers may feel, we are dedicated to providing President Trump’s merchandise at the fairest price possible. From world-famous Make America Great Again hats, to the renowned Trump body pillow.” Karnow added that price increases were due to 46% tariffs imposed on imports from Vietnam and difficulties finding children poor enough to work in manufacturing the merchandise. Concluding the press event, Mrs. Karnow announced that JD Vance branded couches sold on the Trump Store would now be sold at a 99% discount.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!
Via ClickHole: Fascinating: The ‘Little Boy’ Who Elon Musk Keeps Bringing To Meetings At The White House Is Actually His Grandfather, Not His Son
From The Archives: Economists Warn Americans That Money Withering To Ash In Their Hands Could Be Sign Of Recession
https://theonion.com/economists-warn-americans-that-money-withering-to-ash-i-1844931114/
Trump Assures Wall Street He’ll Go Back To Just Fucking Over Poor People Soon
https://theonion.com/trump-assures-wall-street-hell-go-back-to-just-fucking-over-poor-people-soon/
Special Report Via The Hard Times: Epstein Island Only Place Unaffected By Trump Tariffs
https://thehardtimes.net/culture/epstein-island-only-place-unaffected-by-trump-tariffs/
Israel Claims Slain Palestinian Rescue Workers Didn’t Properly Identify Selves As Human Beings
