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The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
First Slice Of Orange Suggests Eating Rest Of Orange Gonna Be Real Fucking Slog
By The Wasted Onion: Met Chief: ‘AI Facial Recognition Not Used At Far-Right Protest Because It Only Recognises Minorities’
WESTMINSTER, LONDON—Explaining to the London Policing Board Sunday that while the technology is “effective,” Metropolitan Police Commissioner Sir Mark Rowley said that live facial recognition was not used at a recent far-right protest because it can only recognise minorities. “It's really important we're deploying it where there's an intelligence basis to do so, that's one of the safeguards. That you're not using it as a mass surveillance tool. You're using it in particular places where there is intelligence to say there is a person of colour nearby that might make some white guy upset because of their presence,” said the Met Chief to the board regarding the recent Unite the Kingdom protest organised by far-right figure and massive dickhead Tommy Robinson, in which the Met did not use LFR technology due to a “distinct lack” of minorities at the protest. “Look, we’re the Met, we’re famous for one thing and one thing only; rampant, never-ending racism and sexism. Our officers will happily murder a vulnerable woman like Sarah Everard, or not properly investigate the murder of Stephen Lawrence. It’s only natural that our mass surveillance tech would have a habit of signalling out minorities and other vulnerable groups while allowing racist white guys to attack our own officers with just a slap on the wrist.” Sir Rowley went on to say that the servers that run LFR had faced issues when trying to identify U.S. President Donald Trump, with his face being too orange for the technology to understand if Trump was a person or the Annoying Orange. At press time, Sir Rowley clarified that LFR would also flag anyone wearing clothes that could signal support for proscribed direct action group Palestine Action by giving them a five-star wanted level.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Britain, Canada, Australia Recognise Palestinians As Somewhat Akin To Human Beings
ICYMI: Trump Spends Entire U.K. Trip Trying To Figure Out Where He Knows Prince Andrew From
By The Wasted Onion: President Kiwi Signs Executive Order Mandating All Toilet Paper Must Use Over Orientation
THE INTERNET—Eagerly writing his name with a sense of purpose, wasteof President Kiwi signed an executive order Saturday mandating that all toilet paper be put on holders in the over orientation. “I am sick and tired of the constant bickering about what way toilet paper should be placed in a holder, it is dividing our nation and must be stopped. That’s why I am signing this executive order that will mandate all toilet paper be put in the over orientation from now on so we can put this ridiculous argument to bed,” said the president to the press composed of 1 reporter from The Wasted Onion called Greg. “To those who may disagree with me and feel that toilet paper should be in the under orientation; shut up. You’re painfully, insanely wrong. Just simply incorrect on every single level. You should be ashamed that you would even think that is the correct orientation.” Responses to the executive order was mixed, with wasteof users like @esben posting “hell yeah finally a president with some guts to deal with the real and important matters like toilet paper orientation!” while other users like @burrito posted “I don’t care I’m too busy gooning faster than a runaway train that derails and kills 20 
” At press time, wasteof owner Jeffalo responded to the executive order, saying “wait, since when did Kiwi actually have executive powers? I thought this whole president thing was a big joke?” before being carried away by Crack House security to be deported to “Hell on Earth,” also known as Birmingham.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @kiwi, thank you!
ICYMI: Bombshell ‘Wall Street Journal’ Investigation Finds Tyler Robinson Once Had Trans Uber Driver
Bored Trump Spends Night Channel Surfing For New Shows To Cancel
https://theonion.com/bored-trump-spends-night-channel-surfing-for-new-shows-to-cancel/
By The Wasted Onion: Bernie Sanders Becomes First Senator To Say Israel Might Be Bad
WASHINGTON—Speaking on the ongoing humanitarian crisis in Gaza, which has been characterised as a genocide by scholars and the UN Commission of Inquiry, Senator Bernie Sanders (I-VT) became the first to claim that Israel is maybe a little bad. “Over the last two years, Israel has not simply defended itself against Hamas. Instead, it has waged a somewhat not okay maybe kinda war against the entire Palestinian people. Many legal experts have now concluded that Israel is committing something not totally cool in Gaza. Some might say even bad,” said the progressive in a statement on his website. “I recognise that many people may disagree with this conclusion. The truth is, whether you call it bad or uncool or un-epic or not chill, the path forward is clear. We, as Americans, must end our complicity in the sorta not tubular killing of the Palestinian people.” Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu responded swiftly, saying that Sanders was “making dangerous insinuations" that Israel was “not entirely rad, which is gravely untrue.” At press time, Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) joined Sanders, saying that Israel was not being as “super chill and awesome” as the country claimed to be regarding the issue of Gaza.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Wasteof Did Not Go Down For Five Minutes On September 18th, 2025, You’re All Delusional
This special report was written and suggested by @juniperrr, thank you!
Netanyahu: ‘These So-Called Genocide Experts Have Probably Never Committed A Genocide In Their Lives’
By The Wasted Onion: Trump Hospitalised After Eating Greggs Sausage Roll During UK State Visit
TOWER HAMELTS, LONDON—Causing shock across the international community, U.S. President Donald Trump has been hospitalised in the Royal London Hospital after having a sausage roll from British bakery chain Greggs. “We can confirm that the President is currently being given medical care from the Royal London Hospital after consuming a Greggs sausage roll that was found to be hotter than the surface of the sun,” said a spokesperson for the Royal London Hospital while Secret Service agents walked around the hospital's car park aimlessly like lost puppies. “The president's condition is currently stable, well, as stable as he can be given he has a bruise on his hand, swollen ankles, and god knows what other unholy things are going on inside the labyrinth that is his body.” First Lady Melania Trump was found standing like a Madame Tussauds wax figure outside Buckingham Palace while King Charles drooled from the other side of the gates. At press time, British Prime Minister Sir Keir Starmer had visited the president in the hospital, giving him a gentle kiss on the forehead before whispering “get well my sweet president” into Trump's ear.
Tom Cruise Buys Fitbit To Help Him Get 10,000 Daily Stunts
https://theonion.com/tom-cruise-buys-fitbit-to-help-him-get-10000-daily-stunts/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: ‘Entire UN Is Antisemitic’ Says Israel
This special report was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!
Report: You To Be Fired For Reading This Headline About Charlie Kirk
https://theonion.com/report-you-to-be-fired-for-reading-this-headline-about-charlie-kirk/
By The Wasted Onion: Apple Unveils iPhone 17 With All-New ‘Headphone Jack’ Feature
CUPERTINO, CA—Announcing the latest updated smartphones at its keynote livestreamed to the world, Apple has revealed the iPhone 17 with a new “headphone jack” feature. “We are thrilled to share with you the iPhone 17’s new, innovated feature that we’re calling the headphone jack, which allow you to seamlessly plug in wired headphones direct into iPhone 17, opening a whole totally-not-old world of possibilities for iPhone,” said Apple CEO Tim Cook during the keynote while holding the iPhone 17 like a live grenade. “Many of you will be wondering why we have added a new port to iPhone 17, and the answer is simple; courage, the fearlessness to let our users make more choices about what they can use with their iPhone, while also selling even more expensive accessories that will get us to that 4 trillion valuation mark.” Later when press were allowed to handle the new models, Tim Cook explained that the new iPhone Air would remove the charging port and would not feature the new headphone jack, saying that users will be able to charge the device with a wireless charger sold separately. At press time, Samsung and Google had responded to the iPhone announcement by mocking it on social media, while inside sources in the companies confirmed they were already scrambling to add a headphone jack to their upcoming smartphone models.
