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The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
ICE Confirms Agents Do Not Have Faces Beneath Masks
https://theonion.com/ice-confirms-agents-do-not-have-faces-beneath-masks/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Report: FBI To Categorise Trans People As ‘Not Oppressed Or Scared For Their Lives Enough’
Via The Shovel: Netanyahu Discovers Bombing He Doesn’t Enjoy
https://theshovel.com.au/2025/09/27/netanyahu-discovers-bombing-he-doesnt-enjoy/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Study: Average Person Will Randomly Kill About 7 Wasteof Or Darflen Users In Their Lifetime
By The Wasted Onion: Trump Jailed For Crimes, Ghislaine Maxwell Released From Prison, Running For Office
BRYAN, TX—Leaving a power vacuum in Washington D.C. and triggering an early election, former U.S. President Donald Trump has been sentenced to 20 years in jail, with former socialite, convicted sex offender and Jeffery Epstein associate Ghislaine Maxwell being released from prison and announcing her candidacy for president. “Today as I stand before you all as a free woman, ready to make this nation the envy of the world and restore it to its former glory, I, Ghislaine Maxwell, am announcing my candidacy for president of the United States of America. Let’s make America groomed again!” said Maxwell outside Federal Prison Camp in which she was released from mere moments prior, with Donald Trump being dragged in by his swollen legs. “It will be the honour of my life to be the first female president in United States history, as well as the first convicted sex offender to be president, and of course the second convicted felon too. I will do great things, such as lowering the age of consent to at least 8, maybe even 6 if I'm feeling extra depraved that day. Vote for Ghislaine to make sex offending cool again!" Trump was sentenced after being convicted of 34 counts of falsifying business records to cover up hush money payments to pornographic film actress Stormy Daniels, as well as hush money given to Rudy Giuliani for sexual encounters the men had. At press time, former Secretary of State and First Lady Hillary Clinton was seen shaking her fist into the sky, proclaiming “why didn’t I go on Jeffery’s plane with Bill? I might have won the 2016 election if I did!”
This stories headline was written and suggested by @juniperrr, thank you!
ICYMI: Limbless, Slippery RFK Jr.: ‘Becoming An Eel Is A Sign Of Good Health’
https://theonion.com/limbless-slippery-rfk-jr-becoming-an-eel-is-a-sign-of-good-health/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: UN Delegates Walk Out During Netanyahu Speech Due To Him Not Wearing Deodorant, Smelling Like Shit
Talk Of Fascism Dangerous, Warns Ministry Of Compliance
https://theonion.com/talk-of-fascism-dangerous-warns-ministry-of-compliance/
By The Wasted Onion: Wasteof Purchased By Warner Bros. Discovery, Immediately Shut Down For Tax Write-Off
MANHATTAN, NY—Announcing its latest acquisition to add to its already expansive corporate portfolio, Warner Bros. Discovery has purchased social media site wasteof.money before immediately shuttering it for a tax write-off. “We are very excited to announce that wasteof.money will be joining the Warner Bros. Discovery family, after what were quick negotiations with its previous owner, we have acquired a controlling stake in the website, with plans to immediately shut the whole thing down so we can give ourselves a big ol’ fat tax write-off,” said Warner Bros. Discovery CEO David Zaslav in an investors call Thursday. “Now, we know what many of you will be wondering, what the fuck is wasteof.money? And to be honest, I haven’t got a goddamn clue, but what matters is that we can get a lovely tax write-off from buying whatever in the loving fuck this damn thing even is.” While not providing an explicit reason for the closing of wasteof other than a tax write-off, rumours began circling that the reason could have to do with wasteof user @Burrito’s posts, which struck the fear of God into Warner Bros. Discovery executives, giving the conglomerate more ammunition for the shuttering of the platform. At press time, leaked documents revealed that Warner Bros. Discovery had paid the previous wasteof owner Jeffalo around CHF 5 to acquire the site.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @kiwi, thank you!
Trump To Travel With Own Escalator Following U.N. Embarrassment
https://theonion.com/trump-to-travel-with-own-escalator-following-u-n-embarrassment/
By The Wasted Onion: Kiwi-Late Administration Scientists Discover Link Between Tylenol, Model Train Set Sales
THE INTERNET—Sharing bombshell new findings after a "rigorous" scientific research process funded by the Crack House, Kiwi-Late Administration scientists have discovered a link between the use of Tylenol and model train set sales. “After a rigorous and time-consuming scientific study funded by the Crack House for $5, our administration scientists have found a conclusive link between Tylenol and an increase in sales of model train sets,” said Secretary of Health and Human Services Radi8 while President Kiwi and Vice President Late stood at either side of them doing Fortnite dances. “Hey, Radi8, you’re doing a great job, but just so you guys know, I’m the one who found the $5 to fund this study, so, y’know, you’re welcome! I actually found that $5 tucked between the couch cushions in the Oval Office, maybe Auriali accidentally left it there, or maybe it's a parting gift. Either way, science!” said the President after pushing Radi8 to the ground. When asked by a reporter how Tylenol, which is the same as paracetamol/acetaminophen, could be linked to an increase in model train set sales, the president and vice president dabbed in unison before proclaiming they were “dab[bing] on the haters.” At press time, Kenvue, owners of Tylenol, was reportedly assembling its legal department to sue the Crack House for the announcement, with insiders claiming Kenvue lawyers were rubbing their hands together with money symbols in their eyes.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @kiwi, thank you!
‘You Think You Can Talk About Our Dad That Way?’ Scream Trump Boys, Beating TV With Bat
By The Wasted Onion: Microsoft Rereleases Xbox 360 At Budget Price Of $599.99
REDMOND, WA—Providing an exciting update to gamers across the world, tech giant Microsoft has announced it will rerelease the Xbox 360 console for the budget price of $599.99. “We are excited to announce to gamers today that we are going to be rereleasing the beloved Xbox 360 in its original, outdated state for the all-new budget price of $599.99, which is a price anyone can afford, even you broke as hell bastards,” said Microsoft Gaming CEO Phil Spencer while pointing at a man and laughing in his face for not having enough money to purchase the rereleased console. “All the things you love about Xbox 360 are still here, the iconic design, the simple interface, the 20GB of HDD storage and of course the adored red ring of death! Now yours again for the easily affordable price of $599.99. Go buy it. Now, bitch.” In a later statement, the company went on to justify the new price by explaining that the original 2005 price for the console of $399.99 adjusted for inflation is roughly $663.53 in 2025, making the price chosen “generous, especially given we fucking hate you and only want you for your wallet,” according to the statement. At press time, Phil Spencer said Xbox was already hard at work searching the office for old original Xbox consoles they can rerelease at a new price of $899.99.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Jimmy Kimmel To Interview Ghost Of Charlie Kirk On Return Episode Of ‘Jimmy Kimmel Live!’
Republicans Distract From Epstein Controversy By Each Sharing Most Embarrassing Moment Of Life
