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The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
Pride Month 2025 Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Trump Wishes Nation Happy Pride Purge Month
ICYMI: 213 Killed In How Do You Pronounce That?
https://theonion.com/213-killed-in-how-do-you-pronounce-that/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Study: Exposure To Wasteof Posts About Coleslaw Linked To Lower Life Expectancy
Novelty Car Horn Playing ‘La Cucaracha’ Sends Stephen Miller Into Dissociative Fugue State
By The Wasted Onion: European Union Opens Investigation Into Apple For Removing Screen From Upcoming iPhone 17
BRUSSELS, BELGIUM—Standing before reporters outside the Berlaymont building regarding the blocs latest crackdown on what it sees as technological gatekeepers, a spokesperson for the European Union announced it has opened an investigation into U.S. tech giant Apple after it announced its upcoming iPhone 17 would not have a screen. “This latest iPhone is our best yet. It’s the culmination of everything we strive for at Apple; simplicity, accessibility, beauty. It’s truly magical. The reason to remove the display: courage. The courage to move on and do something new that betters all of us,” said CEO Tim Cook at a keynote debuting the device while waving his hands in vague grandiose gestures. “Do I really need to explain this? Of course we’re going to fucking look into fining these lunatics. If keyboards were removed from laptops we’d all agree that's stupid. Oh shit I think we just gave them another idea on what to remove next,” said the spokesperson outside the European Commission while looking visibly tired. Speaking to The Wasted Onion’s technology editor Clippy, a spokesperson for the company said that the EU was “standing in the way of enshittification - no crap I meant innovation,” before scurrying away and putting on an Apple Vision Pro to avoid further questions.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @mrowlsss, thank you!
Recession Forecasts Jump After Herds Of Panicked Economists Start Running Off Cliffs
By The Wasted Onion: Wasteof Users Declare War On Each Other Over Whether They Like Coleslaw Or Not
THE INTERNET—Finding themselves embroiled in verbal trench warfare and having to choose a side in an ever escalating online conflict, wasteof.money users declared war on each other Thursday over whether they like coleslaw or not. “I am formally declaring war against all you coleslaw enjoying motherfuckers, I am going to destroy you all. I swear that stuff is like if pencil shavings were drenched in mayonnaise. I’d rather eat a bowl of rusty nails,” said a post from user @thrat. “Uh oh, incorrect opinions are out on the offensive today, huh? Come on guys, coleslaw is peak! And if you disagree then you are my mortal enemy and I will ensure that you never find peace for the rest of your fucking miserable life, this is WAR,” declared noted coleslaw fan @han in another post. Both factions began taking more drastic measures, such as burning down restaurants that serve the side dish or consuming any they could find as more users were drafted into the ranks of the slaw haters or lovers, resulting in the tragic death of user @da-ta after being caught in the crossfire of a bowl of coleslaw being thrown between two ground troops of the lovers and haters tussling to either throw out or eat the coleslaw. At press time, the United Nations announced a peacekeeping mission to wasteof owner Jeffalo’s home to dismantle the Dell OptiPlex hosting the social media site to end the bloodshed.
By The Wasted Onion: ‘I Am The Alpha. You Are The Betas,’ Says Gen Alpha Toddler In Nursery Of Gen Beta Toddlers
LEICESTER, ENGLAND—Crawling atop a box of LEGO bricks to assert dominance amongst his fellow classmates, 3-year-old gen alpha toddler Nathan Brandol reportedly said “I am the alpha. You are the betas,” in his nursery class of gen beta toddlers. “Me is the dominant, you is the submissives. You blue pilled, me red pilled. Me is sigma male, you is cucks,” said the young boy according to eyewitness accounts, while reportedly also babbling and giggling when any noise was made in the colourful classroom scattered with toys and copies of The Matrix brought by Mr. Brandol in his Paw Patrol backpack. “I’ve been doing word searches with Nathan to help him with his spelling and I was quite surprised when he spelt out ‘women like you belong in the kitchen’ by circling the letters in order while staring at me,” said Nursery teacher Emma Farrow to The Wasted Onion’s UK education editor Reporty McJournface. According to further witnesses present at the scene, Mr. Brandol later on in the day attempted to assert his perceived gen alpha dominance over his gen beta classmates by shitting his pants and screaming “censor this snowflakes!” before returning to his iPad to watch Andrew Tate alpha male training videos with Baby Shark playing in the background.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @late, thank you!
Rusted Qatari Plane Sitting On Blocks On White House Lawn
https://theonion.com/rusted-qatari-plane-sitting-on-blocks-on-white-house-lawn/
Grade School’s Gifted Program Admits Kids Who Can Emotionally Handle Time Away From iPad
By The Wasted Onion: Political Wasteof Fan Accounts Taken To Live Peaceful Drama-Free Life On Farm Upstate
DIXON, MO—Making a strongly worded statement on a recent policy change, wasteof owner Jeffalo announced Tuesday morning that accounts cheerleading political parties and economic philosophies will be taken to live a peaceful drama-free life on a farm upstate. “We’re now sending political sock puppet accounts to a beautiful, picturesque farm in Missouri so that they may find inner peace,” said the post in part. “I have found refuge in this PATRIOTIC scenery to escape the clutches of the WOKE MOB!” The owner of the Republicans account said in a letter written in crayon to The Wasted Onion. In another letter, the owner of the Democrats account stated that “I am so happy being here, I haven’t had to listen to losers explain why sending bombs used on Gaza was a bad look, RESULT!” According to reports, the owner of the socialism account had taken up knitting, sharing the means of production with others on the farm and selling items to visitors. At press time, further reports suggested the owner of the capitalism account had begun efforts to privatise the farms knitted goods business, writing in a letter that they wished to create a “company that wins on its merits in the marketplace,” while announcing a monthly subscription service that gives consumers legal permission to wear the garments purchased on the farm.
This story was suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!
‘Advertising Doesn’t Work On Me,’ Says Chosen One Who Will Lead Humanity Out Of Dark Age Of Commercialism
By The Wasted Onion: Republicans And Democrats Wasteof Accounts Duke It Out For Coveted ‘Biggest Dweeb’ Award
THE INTERNET—Lashing out at each other with screenshots of news articles with no sources over which political party was more incapable of running the world’s wealthiest country, wasteof fan accounts Republicans and Democrats began fighting a war of words Monday in an effort to be honoured with the platform's “Biggest Dweeb” award. “The LAME-OCRATS and WOKE liberal media would have you believe that KRINGE KAMALA would be a better president than TRUMP! They/them are WRONG! Trump has already done so much for this country unlike SLEEPY JOE,” read a message by the Republicans account, marking a strong start which could win them the award for being completely and utterly batshit weird. “Oh yeah? Well we have facts on our side! You guys have already caused an economic crash and brought back measles. And that reminds me, please remember to DONATE to our fight to wag our fingers at every bad thing Trump is doing! It’s vital you give us your fucking goddamn money, we have THE RIZZ guys,” said a reply from Democrats, which shot the account into the lead after a spike in hospitalisations due to users gritting their teeth to dust from profusely wincing. At press time, when asked by a fellow wasteof user if either of them think their respective parties should refuse money from lobbying groups, both accounts replied “Hell fucking no, give them that sweet moolah” simultaneously.
Via The Shovel: World Running Out of Euphemisms for Genocide in Gaza, UN Warns
https://theshovel.com.au/2025/05/20/world-running-out-of-euphemisms-for-genocide-in-gaza-un/
ICYMI: Biden Faces Mounting Pressure To Let Younger Democrat Battle Cancer
https://theonion.com/biden-faces-mounting-pressure-to-let-younger-democrat-battle-cancer/
