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The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
By The Wasted Onion: Jeffalo Says His Favourite Person To Ban Is Himself To Remember How Much Power He Has
Ashamed Woman Hiding Interest In Country Music Like It Hentai
https://theonion.com/ashamed-woman-hiding-interest-in-country-music-like-it-hentai/
By The Wasted Onion: Israel Sends Singular Snickers Bar Into Gaza
GAZA CITY, GAZA—Reacting to pressure from the UN, aid agencies, and countries across the world of its blockade of food and other essential aid which has resulted in a hunger crisis amongst the enclave’s population, Israel has sent a delivery of a single Snickers bar into Gaza. “We recognise that we cannot allow famine to begin, so we have taken action to immediately send in a standard size 41.7 gram Snickers chocolate bar,” said Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu in a video posted Friday morning. “This will ensure that those in Gaza don’t die of starvation too fast and will keep everyone off our backs, because wow you guys are annoying.” Footage of an aid truck carrying the sole confectionery taken from a multipack into Gaza emerged hours after the announcement. At press time, reports suggested the Israeli PM had spoken with President Trump in the hopes of getting a fresh arms deal, suggesting that missiles could be used to create plentiful amounts of food with fresh Palestinian corpses.
Trump Shares Own Experiences As Victim Of White Genocide
https://theonion.com/trump-shares-own-experiences-as-victim-of-white-genocide/
Faithful Dog Refuses To Move From Spot Where He Killed Beloved Owner
https://theonion.com/faithful-dog-refuses-to-move-from-spot-where-he-killed-beloved-owner/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Republicans Wasteof Account Shares Post Warning Others About Meaning Of Number 69
By The Wasted Onion: JD Vance Releases Debut Kawaii Metal Album Under ‘DJ Vance’ Pseudonym
U.S. Military Bans Men With Girl Names From Participating In Combat
https://theonion.com/u-s-military-bans-men-with-girl-names-from-participating-in-combat/
By The Wasted Onion: Leaks Wasteof Account Reveals Identity, Turns Out To Be Human Being
THE INTERNET—In a turn of events that has left the social media site in shock, wasteof account @leaks revealed their identity Monday, turning out to be a human being. “Having been the premier place on wasteof for the latest leaks from my trusted source, I felt now was the time to reveal my identity as a human being, made of flesh, bones, blood, and a heck of a lot of water with a side of human excrement,” said a post from the account in part, along with a picture of the leakers appearance, which has been confirmed by experts to be legitimate, ending conspiracy theories of the owner being a skin-walker. “You’re telling me that they aren’t a faceless grey person who’s head floats above their torso?” posted user @mrowlsss in reaction to the reveal. “WAIT THEY’RE NOT A FUCKING DRAGON?!” posted another frustrated user known as @mef. At press time, reports suggested owner of wasteof Jeffalo held an emergency meeting with the site’s moderation team, instituting a state of emergency on the site with a post from Jeffalo declaring “the end times are upon us, leaks is an actual human, may God have mercy.” Replying to the post, @leaks claimed the state of emergency would “not force IKEA to abandon their furniture business and become a pawn shop,” claiming they received the information from their trusted source.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @kiwi, thank you!
ICYMI: Mother Extremists Hijack Airwaves To Broadcast Photos Of Their Children
https://theonion.com/mother-extremists-hijack-airwaves-to-broadcast-photos-of-their-children-2/
ICYMI: Man Can’t Believe He Has To Download Stupid App Just To Bribe President
https://theonion.com/man-cant-believe-he-has-to-download-stupid-app-just-to-bribe-president/
New Indiana Law Requires All Porn Viewers To Register As Sex Offenders
https://theonion.com/new-indiana-law-requires-all-porn-viewers-to-register-as-sex-offenders/
By The Wasted Onion: Keir Starmer Shocks Nation By Announcing A Policy That Farage Didn’t Ask For
LONDON—Addressing the press outside 10 Downing Street, British Prime Minister Sir Keir Starmer shocked Britons Friday by announcing a policy that Reform UK leader Nigel Farage hasn’t asked for. “Today this government is announcing a bold new policy that will deliver growth to the British economy and to the best of our knowledge hasn’t been asked for by Nigel Farage,” said the PM while attempting to express a human emotion for the first time in his life, according to reports from Labour insiders who spoke to The Wasted Onion’s sewer goblins based at the River Thames. “To be honest I didn’t think he was capable of having an original thought at this point,” said Aaron McKinnie, a 44-year-old town crier, pisser, and shitter from Chester. “I voted for him for his distinct lack of personality, which would allow a populist twat to essentially be the real leader while he stood there and looked anything but pretty.” At press time, Nigel Farage said he was furious that No. 10 had decided to implement an idea that he hadn’t suggested, going on to claim the government was displaying “disgusting abilities to think for itself,” while leader of the Conservative party and opposition Kemi Badenoch said “oh fuck, I forgot I was the leader of the Tories,” before rushing to the nearest walk in freezer.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!
Trump Grants Refugee Status To Former SS Guards
https://theonion.com/trump-grants-refugee-status-to-former-ss-guards/
