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The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
By The Wasted Onion: Farage Announces Plan To Do What Trump Doing
WESTMINSTER, LONDON—Proudly standing outside the House of Commons waving a large stack of papers at reporters and onlookers, Reform UK leader Nigel Farage has announced his plan to do what U.S. President Donald Trump is doing. “I am proud to announce that I am going to do whatever the hell Trump is doing right now if I become Britain's next Prime Minister. For example, we’re going to be renaming the Irish Sea to the Gulf of England,” said Mr. Farage as he held up a map with the Irish Sea scribbled out and the Gulf of England written in its place with red Sharpie. “Britain desperately needs reform, and we’re the only ones poised to deliver that reform by copy pasting all of the batshit insane dumbassery Trump is doing across the pond. You’ve heard of making Canada the 51st state, now behold annexing the European Union into old Blighty!” Farage also promised to begin Trump-style mass deportations to some of the most harrowing places on Earth, such as Birmingham. At press time, British Prime Minister Keir Starmer announced plans to copy what Farage is doing, who is copying what Trump is doing, who is likely on his third Diet Coke of the day already.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!
Passengers At Gate Saddened By Poor Frightened Plane Loose Inside Airport
https://theonion.com/passengers-at-gate-saddened-by-poor-frightened-plane-loose-inside-airport/
Gunman Takes Huge Swing Ordering Hostages Buffalo Chicken Pizza
https://theonion.com/gunman-takes-huge-swing-ordering-hostages-buffalo-chicken-pizza/
By The Wasted Onion: OceanGate Announces New Paid Expeditions To See Wreckage Of Imploded Titan Submersible
Trump Calls Shooting Victims To Rant About Tim Walz
https://theonion.com/trump-calls-shooting-victims-to-rant-about-tim-walz/
Via ClickHole: Troubling Statistic: 7% Of All US Children Experience Growing Up With A Parent Who Is Behind A Paywall
ICYMI: Marines Raise American Flag Outside Cell Phone Store After Defeating Skateboarding Teenagers
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: ‘It Was A Misinput, Misinput! Calm Down! You Calm The Fuck Down! It Was A Misinput!’ Insists Wasted Onion Spokesman On Israel/Iran Post
U.S. Military Parade Special Report: Trump Mouths Lyrics To ‘Happy Birthday’ While National Anthem Plays
https://theonion.com/trump-mouths-lyrics-to-happy-birthday-while-national-anthem-plays/
By The Wasted Onion: Taliban Replaces Popping Candy With Painted, Saliva Activated Microbombs
KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Causing mass panic and confusion as reports of explosions began pouring out of the country to the world, sources indicate the Taliban had replaced popping candy with painted, saliva activated microbombs. “It is honestly quite a cunning move, to replace the irresistible mouth feel of popping candy with the strategic and instantly activated microbomb that would terminate the target instantaneously. What’s worse is that it doesn’t even taste nice,” said Jarvis Gledhill, a military strategist who spoke to The Wasted Onion after being kidnapped, driven to an unknown location in a white van, and tied to a chair. “Not just that, but the technology to do this is quite complex, while we know the Taliban won’t do much good with such a weapon, it would be fascinating to understand how they develop such weaponry. What was that? You got some here? You’ll let me try it? Wait, wait no, stop, please no! Have mercy!” Mr. Gledhill was eviscerated moments after his saliva made contact with the microbombs. Following the test, The Wasted Onion’s science correspondent Adam Savage surveyed the damage alongside a film crew to produce an episode for an upcoming reboot of Mythbusters.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @mrowlsss, thank you!
Netanyahu Calls Iran Strikes Necessary To Prevent War He Just Started
https://theonion.com/netanyahu-calls-iran-strikes-necessary-to-prevent-war-he-just-started/
By The Wasted Onion: Trump Renames ‘Los Angeles’ To ‘The Angels’
WASHINGTON—Speaking in the Oval Office Thursday following further protests around the country against his administration's controversial immigration raids, President Donald Trump signed an executive order renaming Los Angeles to The Angels, the English translation of the city's Spanish name. “We are making The Angels great again, because they haven’t been as of late. These illegal alien thugs have been running rampant on the streets for far too long, they even hijacked our American cities with some sort of other language, we’re gonna fix that. I mean, who doesn’t like angels? I like angels, I also like Charlie’s Angels,” said the President after signing the executive order. “The Democrats would never do this, never, no. They’re too busy getting the courts to stop us from deporting these evil illegals from our beautiful nation, destroying our perfect English language with weird un-American ones, and trashing good movies like Charlie’s Angels.” Trump continued, saying that the 45% critic rating for Charlie’s Angels on Rotten Tomatoes was because of the “woke mind virus.” At press time, sources close to the President claimed that other options suggested for the Californian city included “Los Santos,” the fictional city in the video game Grand Theft Auto 5, which was regarded by the President as “badass” according to reports.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Wasted Onion CEO: ‘Are We Not Important Enough To Get Spam Mentions On Wasteof?’
ICE Vows To Restore Order Using Whatever Force Unnecessary
https://theonion.com/ice-vows-to-restore-order-using-whatever-force-unnecessary/
Dissolving Fillers Leave Face Completely Concave
https://theonion.com/dissolving-fillers-leave-face-completely-concave/
