Welcome to the official page of The Wasted Onion, The Only News Source. We post the most important and trustworthy journalism that shines light in the dark halls of power and asks the tough questions. They say “Democracy Dies in Darkness,” we say “Hey, We’ll Totally Trade You This Democracy That’s Collecting Dust in Our Attic for a $100 Amazon Gift Card.”
Find more kick-ass journalism at our website: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/
The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
By The Wasted Onion: The Wasted Onion Announces Newspaper That Will Be Available Everywhere Except Exactly Where You Live
ST. ANDREWS, SCOTLAND—Celebrating the achievement of reaching two hundred posts on its wasteof account, The Wasted Onion has announced a newspaper that will be available around the globe except for your exact geographical location. “As we stand here celebrating the momentous milestone of 200 posts to our wasteof account, which has garnered a combined count of over 7.8 trillion views, we are also excited to announce our latest offering, The Wasted Onion newspaper. Yes, paper, something you can hold in your sweaty peasant hands; starting tomorrow. Except for you, dear reader, you will unfortunately be unable to find our newspaper wherever you are located,” said CEO Clef Bozos outside the news organisation's ebola chocolate factory. “Our inability to provide the newspaper to your location is due to a myriad of reasons, such as delivery complications to local stores around your geographical area, to the fact that we found out you haven’t likely ever read a newspaper in your goddamn life, and also because you just give us creepy vibes and we’re scared of what you’d do with our paper.” At press time, Mr. Bozos assured that The Wasted Onion would make up for its inability to provide its newspaper to your specific location by continuing its onslaught of posting the harsh light of truth to its wasteof profile, no matter how much you beg for it to stop.
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Wasteof Alpha To Get ‘Liquid Glass’ Redesign
ICE Releases Gavin Newsom Beheading Video
https://theonion.com/ice-releases-gavin-newsom-beheading-video/
Protesters Urged Not To Give Trump Administration Pretext For What It Already Doing
ICYMI: IRS Allows Taxpayers To Deposit Payments Directly Into Elon Musk’s Bank Account
https://theonion.com/irs-allows-taxpayers-to-deposit-payments-directly-into-elon-musks-bank-account/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Update: Trump Buys X/Twitter In Retaliation, Renames It Apartheid Social
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Elon Musk Buys Truth Social, Renames It Jeffery Epstein Fan Club
ICYMI: MAGA Voter Assumed Trump Would Only Deport People On List She Mailed To White House
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Elon Musk Buys Truth Social, Renames It Jeffery Epstein Fan Club
Trump Escalates Musk Feud By Nuking Mars
https://theonion.com/trump-escalates-musk-feud-by-nuking-mars/
By The Wasted Onion: Internet Loudly Complains About Disney+ Price Increase, Proceeds To Give Them Money Anyway
THE INTERNET—Furiously typing away on social media sites, forums, and group chats with friends in frustration over further price hikes, internet users loudly complained Friday about an increase in the price of Disney+ before proceeding to give the streamer their money anyway. “I am sick and tired of these streaming services taking us for fools, it pisses me off so much. At this point streaming feels just like TV, and that’s why I’m still giving Disney my hard earned money on a monthly basis,” said a comment posted on Reddit which was edited hours later thanking strangers for Reddit gold. “Honestly I don’t even need Disney+ man, I rarely ever open it as I’m just endlessly scrolling a myriad of streaming services that are serving me algorithmic suggestions on what to watch that never actually leave me satisfied. Anyway I guess I gotta stop feeding my kids so I can keep my subscription lol,” said a post on Facebook from a man The Wasted Onion hunted down and slapped in the face for being such an utter dipshit. At press time, Disney announced it planned to give all Disney+ subscribers a free punch in the face from an employee dressed as Mickey Mouse sent directly to their doorstep.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @kiwi, thank you!
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Feel Good News: Donald Trump And Elon Musk Are Fighting And Calling Each Other Paedophiles
Rift Widens Between Elon Musk, Anyone Who Ever Met Him
https://theonion.com/rift-widens-between-elon-musk-anyone-who-ever-met-him/
By The Wasted Onion: Discord Announces Sending Messages Now A Nitro Exclusive Feature
SAN FRANCISCO, CA—Widening the features the instant messaging services premium subscription offering provides, Discord has announced that sending messages is now a Nitro exclusive feature. “We launched Discord over 10 years ago, since then we’ve seen our users grow what we built into something truly special for gamers everywhere. One of the key features from day one that has made this all possible is the ability to send messages. That’s why today, we’re excited to announce the latest feature exclusive to Nitro subscribers: messaging,” said the company in a blog post. “We’ve been toiling away at this for a long time, and now is the right moment. Wumpus also threatened us with a gun and held our families hostage, telling us that we must do this or see our lives go up in ashes.” At press time, local police had been dispatched to Discord Headquarters where a hostage situation was unfolding, after multiple hours of negotiation, Wumpus agreed to free the hostages if he was given the contact information for every “Discord kitten,” according to authorities.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @esben, thank you!
Study: Depression Most Common In Individuals Who Look In Mirror Smiling But Reflection Sad
Nintendo Warns Users Not To Remove Protective Foreskin From Switch 2
https://theonion.com/nintendo-warns-users-not-to-remove-protective-foreskin-from-switch-2/
