update on the dunkin shit explosion situation: they just introduced a new flavor of donut frosting made from my diarrhea that they cleaned off the walls
spoiler alert search Twitter for most of these they probably come up
Just found the original post from 2020. Burrito is a liar and a fraud who plagiarizes material.
#CancelBurrito
you guys are a horrible influence my kanye era is giving me so many likes
apparently the voice of god has spoken to me so i have to pack it up guys im sorry thank you to my local supporters and EVERYONE on this site because you ALL agree with me on EVERYTHING I have said
apparently the voice of god has spoken to me so i have to pack it up guys im sorry thank you to my local supporters and EVERYONE on this site because you ALL agree with me on EVERYTHING I have said
based on recent experiences it's not optimal to shit yourself in public on an nj transit train and then run across the street to annihilate a dunkin bathroom with hot diarrhea running down your leg 
this has happened to ALL of us… we learn from our mistakes I guess!!
can confirm I said that
By The Wasted Onion: President Kiwi Signs Executive Order Mandating All Toilet Paper Must Use Over Orientation
THE INTERNET—Eagerly writing his name with a sense of purpose, wasteof President Kiwi signed an executive order Saturday mandating that all toilet paper be put on holders in the over orientation. “I am sick and tired of the constant bickering about what way toilet paper should be placed in a holder, it is dividing our nation and must be stopped. That’s why I am signing this executive order that will mandate all toilet paper be put in the over orientation from now on so we can put this ridiculous argument to bed,” said the president to the press composed of 1 reporter from The Wasted Onion called Greg. “To those who may disagree with me and feel that toilet paper should be in the under orientation; shut up. You’re painfully, insanely wrong. Just simply incorrect on every single level. You should be ashamed that you would even think that is the correct orientation.” Responses to the executive order was mixed, with wasteof users like @esben posting “hell yeah finally a president with some guts to deal with the real and important matters like toilet paper orientation!” while other users like @burrito posted “I don’t care I’m too busy gooning faster than a runaway train that derails and kills 20 
” At press time, wasteof owner Jeffalo responded to the executive order, saying “wait, since when did Kiwi actually have executive powers? I thought this whole president thing was a big joke?” before being carried away by Crack House security to be deported to “Hell on Earth,” also known as Birmingham.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @kiwi, thank you!
