Welcome to the official page of The Wasted Onion, The Only News Source. We post the most important and trustworthy journalism that shines light in the dark halls of power and asks the tough questions. They say “Democracy Dies in Darkness,” we say “Hey, We’ll Totally Trade You This Democracy That’s Collecting Dust in Our Attic for a $100 Amazon Gift Card.”
The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: New Wasteof Server Keeps Shutting Down After Witnessing Horrors Being Written To It By Users
ICYMI: Ghislaine Maxwell Can’t Help But Notice Interview Room Covered In Plastic Sheeting
By The Wasted Onion: VPN Usage In UK Mysteriously Spikes To 100%
WESTMINSTER, LONDON—Leaving lawmakers perplexed on both sides of the political spectrum, VPN providers announced Sunday that there has been an unexplainable 100% increase in the usage of virtual private networks across the United Kingdom. “Today we can announce we’ve had a 100% increase in usage of our service over the last few days from the UK, we are currently unable to find the cause for this spike, but oh boy, our pockets are getting heavy trying to carry all of their finest British pounds!” said Andy Yen, CEO of Proton which runs ProtonVPN, with similar statements coming from other providers like NordVPN, ExpressVPN and PenisVPN. “We are aware of the current increase in VPN usage and we are working hard to find the root cause of this phenomena and what a VPN does exactly,” said a spokesperson for Ofcom, the UK’s TV, internet and telecommunications regulator while casually asking The Wasted Onion’s technology editor David Attenborough for his passport to verify he is actually an adult. Shortly after the interview, Ofcom announced it would disable the internet. When asked outside No. 10, British Prime Minister Keir Starmer asked what a VPN is, wondering if it was some newfangled AI thingamajig before proceeding to upload his drivers license to wasteof.money to view Jeffalo’s “spicy” alt account, according to the PM.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!
ICYMI: Shocking Video Captures Calm Police Officers Handling Situation Nonviolently
https://theonion.com/shocking-video-captures-calm-police-officers-handling-situation-nonviolently/
Fantastic Four’s Pedro Pascal Recalls Working With Trainer To Stretch Limbs 50 Feet
Editors note: we would like to clarify that this post was posted Friday, 25th July 2025, and not Saturday, 26th July 2025. Your eyes are simply deceiving you, unlike The Only News Source, which is always correct and accurate unlike those hacks over at The Wall Street Journal.
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: World Plunged Into Chaos After Wasted Onion Unable To Make Daily Wasteof Post
AG Informed Trump His Name Tattooed All Over Epstein’s Body
https://theonion.com/ag-informed-trump-his-name-tattooed-all-over-epsteins-body/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Pam Bondi Confirms Jeffery Epstein Named In Epstein Files
By The Wasted Onion: The Wasted Onion Reaches 50,000,000,000 Followers On Wasteof
DUNFERMLINE, SCOTLAND—Gleefully celebrating the latest milestone on the social media platform, The Wasted Onion announced Wednesday that it has reached 50,000,000,000 followers on its wasteof.money profile. “In a mere 6 months we have conquered wasteof just like the British Empire conquered Ireland, India and basically fucking everywhere else on Earth at some stage. This milestone is momentous and the latest in our storied history as The Only News Source. I told you motherfuckers that those child slaves we bought in Cambodia were worth every penny to juice our numbers,” said CEO Clef Bozos at an office party while taking swigs from the blood of orphans. “Not just have we gotten more followers than there are people, but we’re also wasting so much of Jeffalo’s Dell OptiPlex server space. That’s all thanks to the copious amount of Russian bots that we’ve purchased. It was our goal to get as many followers on a website used by a few mere thousands, forget Facebook or Instagram, that shit is lame as fuck. We’re the most followed account on wasteof! Way fucking cooler!” Moments after concluding his speech, Bozos revealed he kidnapped and tied Tyler, The Creator to a chair to perform his new album “DON’T TAP THE GLASS” for the office. At press time, parent business The Wasted Company announced plans to purchase you. Don’t resist. Obey your masters. Now come here, you have articles to write.
GE Recalls Washing Machines That Failed To Pleasure Lonely Housewives
https://theonion.com/ge-recalls-washing-machines-that-failed-to-pleasure-lonely-housewives/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: President Kiwi Vows To Release TallPeter Files
McDonald’s Brings Back Beloved Snack Rat
https://theonion.com/mcdonalds-brings-back-beloved-snack-rat/
‘Must Be A Waymo,’ Bystanders Say Of Moron Stuck Backing Up In Alley For Half Hour
ICYMI: MAGA Voter Drills Hole Into Skull To Relieve Sudden Doubts About Trump
https://theonion.com/maga-voter-drills-hole-into-skull-to-relieve-sudden-doubts-about-trump/
ICYMI: Trump Urges Supporters To Move On From Societal Disdain For Pedophilia
https://theonion.com/trump-urges-supporters-to-move-on-from-societal-disdain-for-pedophilia/
