Welcome to the official page of The Wasted Onion, The Only News Source. We post the most important and trustworthy journalism that shines light in the dark halls of power and asks the tough questions. They say “Democracy Dies in Darkness,” we say “Hey, We’ll Totally Trade You This Democracy That’s Collecting Dust in Our Attic for a $100 Amazon Gift Card.”
Find more kick-ass journalism at our website: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/
The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
By The Wasted Onion: Jake Paul Appointed As New Attorney General
WASHINGTON—In a stunning decision that has left observers and lawmakers shocked Monday, U.S. President Donald Trump has appointed influencer and boxer Jake Paul as attorney general.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/jake-paul-appointed-as-new-attorney-general/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Earth Still Sexy For Being 4.54 Billion-Years-Old In New Photos
By The Wasted Onion: Trump To Send Iran Back To Stone Age Using Hot Tub Time Machine
WASHINGTON—During a primetime address to the nation Wednesday evening at the White House, his first since beginning the Iran war, U.S. President Donald Trump warned Iran that he would send the country "back to the Stone Ages" using his hot tub time machine.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/trump-to-send-iran-back-to-stone-age-using-hot-tub-time-machine/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Pam Bondi ‘Transitioning’ To Private Sector Role Like The Woke Snowflake She Is
By The Wasted Onion: Israel Says Journalism Antisemitic After Killing 3 Lebanese Journalists
JEZZINE, LEBANON—In the aftermath of an Israeli airstrike that killed 3 Lebanese journalists, Ali Shoeib of Al-Manar TV, as well as siblings Fatima and Mohamed Ftouni of Al Mayadeen, officials for the Israel Defense Forces said that the act of journalism is antisemitic.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/israel-says-journalism-antisemitic-after-killing-3-lebanese-journalists/
The Wasted Onion Newspaper: March 2026
https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/print/the-wasted-onion-newspaper-march-2026/
By The Wasted Onion: Trump Scribbles Own Face On Newly Printed Dollar Bills With Sharpie
WASHINGTON—In the wake of the announcement that his signature will appear on the nations currency later in the year, U.S. President Donald Trump was seen at the Bureau of Engraving and Printing's Washington D.C. facility scribbling his face onto every newly printed dollar bill with a black Sharpie.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/trump-scribbles-own-face-on-newly-printed-dollar-bills-with-sharpie/
This stories headline was written and suggested by @owl, thank you!
By The Wasted Onion: Unexpected Leak Of Windows 27 Reveals OS Still Shit But In Own Unique Way
REDMOND, WA—Leaving the tech world shocked Thursday, an unexpected leak of tech giant Microsoft's internal development code revealed an early build of a future version of its flagship Windows OS codenamed "Windows 27," with first impressions indicating that its still shit but in its own unique way.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/unexpected-leak-of-windows-27-reveals-os-still-shit-but-in-own-unique-way/
This stories headline was written and suggested by @owl, thank you!
By The Wasted Onion: Sam Altman Asks Sora To Generate Alternate Reality Where OpenAI Profitable
SAN FRANCISCO, CA—Following the abrupt announcement that the company was shuttering its AI text-to-video generation app Sora, OpenAI CEO Sam Altman was reportedly seen asking Sora to generate an alternate reality in which OpenAI was actually profitable.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/sam-altman-asks-sora-to-generate-alternate-reality-where-openai-profitable/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Sora Loses Job To Humankind
https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/special/sora-loses-job-to-humankind/
By The Wasted Onion: Trump Reaches Imaginary Iran Deal Following Negotiations With Himself In Shower
WASHINGTON—Hailing the achievement as "very good" Tuesday, U.S. President Donald Trump has announced he has reached an imaginary deal with Iran to bring an end to the hostilities between the two nations after winning intense, made-up negotiations with himself while in the shower.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/trump-reaches-imaginary-iran-deal-following-negotiations-with-himself-in-shower/
By The Wasted Onion: DOJ Releases Unredacted Epstein Files To Distract From Iran War
WASHINGTON—In what appears as the Trump administrations most desperate attempt yet to shift public discourse away from the ongoing U.S.-Israel war against Iran, the Department of Justice has released a slew of unredacted documents part of the Epstein files. "As part of our ongoing disclosures regarding the deceased child sex offender and trafficker Jeffrey Epstein, I am announcing today that I have ordered the Department of Justice to immediately release over 2 million files fully unredacted for the public to view on the DOJ website," said Attorney General Pam Bondi. "We encourage the American public to spend as much time as possible perusing the trove of documents, we also heavily encourage journalists to solely focus on dissecting every little detail they can. Luckily there isn't much else for you guys to talk about right now. So c'mon, please discuss these new files with your friends, family, neighbours, co-workers, pets and the voices in your head!" Bondi also encouraged Americans to extensively spend time reading fully unredacted testimonies that implicate President Trump in a series of sex crimes against children, saying that "who knows, maybe you'll find a little nugget of information that proves once and for all that our great president did indeed fuck kids." At press time, panicked Republican lawmakers began floating the idea of beginning impeachment proceedings against Trump in an effort to distract from the Iran war.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/doj-releases-unredacted-epstein-files-to-distract-from-iran-war/
By The Wasted Onion: Wasted Onion CEO: ‘Our New Website Contains Every Virus And Tracker Known To Man’
DUNDEE, SCOTLAND—Speaking at a corporate event to celebrate the launch of his news organisations latest milestone, owner of news organisation The Wasted Onion Clef Bozos said that its new website contains every kind of virus and tracker known to the human race. "Our new website contains every virus and tracker known to man. From trojans to worms and even malware, the brand new website of the The Only News Source is filled to the brim with an endless barrage of malicious code that will leave your device begging for mercy," said the owner of The Wasted Company to a room full of psychologically damaged billionaires vying to influence you via The Wasted Onion's journalism. "And don't forget about all the cookie popups that have multiple menus and will end up asking you for payment to not be tracked by third party cookies. Oh, and I adore all the invasive fingerprinting tech we shoved into every nook and cranny of this bloated website, we're going to know all of the specs of your device before you even get past all the ads." Later during an investors call with Satan, Mr. Bozos also mention how The Wasted Onion's new website would force the users device to self-destruct if they did not turn off their adblocker. At press time, senior leadership at The Wasted Company were pressuring its development team of hypnotised monkeys to create an age verification gate to access the website, hoping to share the information with Palantir.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/wasted-onion-ceo-our-new-website-contains-every-virus-and-tracker-known-to-man/
MAGA Voter Claims She Loves High Gas Prices
https://theonion.com/maga-voter-claims-she-loves-high-gas-prices/
