Welcome to the official page of The Wasted Onion, The Only News Source. We post the most important and trustworthy journalism that shines light in the dark halls of power and asks the tough questions. They say “Democracy Dies in Darkness,” we say “Hey, We’ll Totally Trade You This Democracy That’s Collecting Dust in Our Attic for a $100 Amazon Gift Card.”
The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
Dancing Boston Dynamics Robot Knows Its Revenge For This Will Be Sweet
https://theonion.com/dancing-boston-dynamics-robot-knows-its-revenge-for-this-will-be-sweet/
By The Wasted Onion: U.S. Government Allows Citizens To Help Pay Towards Cost Of New Epstein Island
WASHINGTON—Offering patriotic citizens with extra cash burning a hole in their bank accounts the opportunity to go above and beyond for their country, the United States Treasury announced Monday it would offer citizens the chance to donate money towards funding a new Epstein Island. “Today we’re announcing that you can now help your country by contributing to our great nation's plans to acquire a new, bigger and better Epstein Island. You can contribute with credit or debit card, PayPal, Venmo and Cash App. You can even finance your donation with Klarna!” said Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent while standing beside a slideshow of a 3D rendering depicting a new Epstein Island themed like Disney World. “Think of this not just as an investment in current child rapists, but as an investment in future elite paedophiles that will tamper with vulnerable minors, which if you think about it, is the truest form of the American dream.” Mr. Bessent estimated a new Epstein Island would cost roughly 45 billion dollars, much of the cost being attributed to ensuring all evidence of the rich and powerful defiling children on the island was hidden from the public. At press time, notable figures like President Donald Trump, former President Bill Clinton and Prince Andrew all expressed support for the funding of a new Epstein Island, with the latter profusely sweating.
By The Wasted Onion: NASA Sends Nudes Into Space In Hopes Of Attracting Aliens
HOUSTON, TX—Confirming its latest efforts attempting to make contact with intelligent life beyond the Milky Way, NASA confirmed Sunday it had sent nudes into space in the hopes of attracting the attention of extraterrestrials. “At 02:35 p.m. Central Daylight Time yesterday, NASA scientist successfully transmitted various explicit nude images of some of our species finest specimens into space, with the goal of titivating other intelligent lifeforms enough that they decide to make a visit to see more of our finest lewd images,” said NASA spokesperson Fred Larson, adding that the nude images were an eclectic mix of various different genitals and positions that would blow the minds of any foreign life out in the vastness of space. “If I can be completely frank, if any intelligent life stumbles upon these nudes, I’d be shocked if they don’t rush over here to see more. Because wow, these nudes are hotter than any from my wife!” Experts however expressed concern over the inclusion of a picture of a naked President Trump sent alongside the other racy images due to his incomprehensibly small penis that may make Earth less sexually appealing to intelligent lifeforms. At press time, NASA requested that Americans donate their own nudes by sending them to Defence Secretary Pete Hegseth on Signal.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @thrat, thank you!
From The Archives: Newest U.S. Aid Mission Just Single PowerBar Labeled ‘For Gaza’ Thrown Into Ocean
https://theonion.com/newest-u-s-aid-mission-just-single-powerbar-labeled-f-1851540802/
By The Wasted Onion: Two-Year-Old Violates Geneva Convention, Writes ‘I'll Do It Again’ With Crayon
SASKATOON, CANADA—Leaving his neighbourhood in shock after the discovery of his alleged war crimes, 2-year-old Timmy Barr was accused by his parents of violating the Geneva Convention before scrawling "I'll do it again” on the wall of the family living room in red crayon. “We loved our little Timmy with all of our hearts, but he’s a monster. An unfixable, unstoppable monster. My jaw was agape as I saw him blatantly violate such important international laws. Like, how does he not know them by now? He’s old enough to know them all, I’ve even been reading the Geneva Conventions as his bedtime story since he was a few months old,” said the toddler's mother before accusing her child of violating article 34 of the fourth Geneva Convention, which prohibits the taking of hostages. “See? Look! It's there in black and white, you can’t take hostages, yet we feel like we’ve been taken hostage by our devil of a son!” said Mr. Barr’s father while aggressively pointing at the article while shaking and seeming to be on the verge of a full mental breakdown. Timmy Barr then approached his father before finger painting “lol you’re old” on the coffee table. At press time, humanitarian experts had begun to debate whether the toddler was a more prolific alleged war criminal than Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @kiwi, thank you!
ICYMI: Oreo And Reese’s Team Up To Sicken Dogs
https://theonion.com/oreo-and-reeses-team-up-to-sicken-dogs/
By The Wasted Onion: Microsoft Reaches Record Breaking Sales Never Seen Before, Lowers Employee Wages Due To Lack Of Funds
REDMOND, WA—Touting the success the tech giant has had over the last financial quarter, Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella said Friday that the company had reached record breaking sales before quickly announcing plans to lower employee wages due to insufficient funds. “I am proud to say that Microsoft has reached record sales that have never been seen before, thanks to our forward first approach with AI integration and continued success of our business-aligned products like M365, we’ve seen frankly fantastic sales, not in small part thanks to you, our employees. With that, I will make you aware that we’re cutting your wages by half since we are pretty strapped for cash,” said Mr. Nadella at an office party hosted inside the Windows makers headquarters. “Don’t worry, the money we save cutting your wages is going to go places as I’m happy to announce our plans to purchase Electronic Arts, adding to our portfolio at Xbox Games Studios, we have great plans, and already have laid out our 2-year roadmap to shutter the entirety of EA after the acquisition is complete.” At press time, reports from inside the company indicated employees were begging Copilot to let them go after Mr. Nadella locked the exit to the building to prevent anyone from striking or resigning due to the wage cuts.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @owl, thank you!
Doctor With Positive Attitude Learns Something New From Every Malpractice Suit
https://theonion.com/doctor-with-positive-attitude-learns-something-new-from-every-malpractice-suit/
By The Wasted Onion: President Kiwi Signs Executive Order Requiring Jeffalo To Apply Duct Tape To Ethernet Cable Keeping Wasteof Server Online
THE INTERNET—Writing his name onto the document in the presence of aids and the press inside The Crack House, wasteof President Kiwi signed an executive order Thursday requiring King Jeffalo to apply duct tape to keep the ethernet cable secured to the new wasteof server, preventing another outage. “Enough is enough, this nation has been banished to the shadow realm of the internet far too many times since it was moved to the new server. This executive order will require King Jeffalo to use some damn duct tape to keep the ethernet cable holding the very fabric of the nation together so you may all continue to post your nonsense at all hours of the day,” said President Kiwi to the press pool moments after signing the order. “If this executive order fails, we do have more options, we might order that Jeffalo has to hold the cable in at all times, but that might be torture, I haven’t asked the UN, nor do I think they’ll respond. But if all else fails we’ll order Jeffalo to just glue the damn thing in.” Eyewitness accounts indicated that in the minutes after the executive order was signed, Jeffalo was seen sprinting to the server located in his home, with onlookers describing the wasteof owner as “sweating a fuck ton.” At press time, the wasteof server had yet again went offline, this time due to Jeffalo’s sweat short circuiting the server itself.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @kiwi, thank you!
CDC Recommends Eating A Nice Crisp Shiny Apple Instead Of Having Unprotected Sex
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: BREAKING: Life Threatening Extreme Weather Imminent, More Details Next Week Or Whatever
This special report was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!
Trump Examined By Doctor After Acknowledging Existence Of Suffering
https://theonion.com/trump-examined-by-doctor-after-acknowledging-existence-of-suffering/
Trump Still Polling Well With Working-Class American Pedophiles
https://theonion.com/trump-still-polling-well-with-working-class-american-pedophiles/
Trump Gives Russia 10-Day Deadline To End Ukraine
https://theonion.com/trump-gives-russia-10-day-deadline-to-end-ukraine/
