Welcome to the official page of The Wasted Onion, The Only News Source. We post the most important and trustworthy journalism that shines light in the dark halls of power and asks the tough questions. They say “Democracy Dies in Darkness,” we say “Hey, We’ll Totally Trade You This Democracy That’s Collecting Dust in Our Attic for a $100 Amazon Gift Card.”
Find more kick-ass journalism at our website: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/
The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
By The Wasted Onion: Elon Musk Becomes Worlds First Cybertruck Owner
STARBASE, TX—Achieving the monumental milestone as shares in his rocket company SpaceX soared as it began trading on the stock market Friday, businessman Elon Musk, the richest person in the world, became the worlds first owner of a Tesla Cybertruck.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/elon-musk-becomes-worlds-first-cybertruck-owner/
EPA Approves Use Of Napalm As Pesticide
https://theonion.com/epa-approves-use-of-napalm-as-pesticide/
By The Wasted Onion: Release Dates For Christmas, Halloween 2026 Unveiled At Nintendo Direct
KYOTO, JAPAN—Airing its latest presentation of gaming and content information across the internet Thursday, Nintendo unveiled the release dates for Christmas and Halloween 2026 during its latest Nintendo Direct event.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/release-dates-for-christmas-halloween-2026-unveiled-at-nintendo-direct/
This stories headline was written and suggested by @owl, thank you!
Trump Boys Bulk Up For UFC Fight By Chugging Sour Cream
https://theonion.com/trump-boys-bulk-up-for-ufc-fight-by-chugging-sour-cream/
By The Wasted Onion: World Cup Fans Visiting U.S. Urged To Respect Nations Culture Of Mass Shootings
FAYETTEVILLE, GA—A mere day before the first whistle is blown at the 2026 World Cup, the Fédération Internationale de Football Association and United States Soccer Federation urged fans visiting the United States to respect the nations culture of mass shootings.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/world-cup-fans-visitng-us-urged-to-respect-nations-culture-of-mass-shootings/
Hims Introduces New Line Of Folders To Hold In Front Of Embarrassing Boners
https://theonion.com/hims-introduces-new-line-of-folders-to-hold-in-front-of-embarrassing-boners/
By The Wasted Onion: U.S. Voting System Moved To Google Form
WASHINGTON—Changing the foundation on which elections are held across the nation just in time for the primaries, Congress passed a bill Tuesday that will move the entire U.S. voting system to a Google Form.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/us-voting-system-moved-to-google-form/
This stories headline was written and suggested by @owl, thank you!
I Work Very Hard, And I Would Like To Try Cake
https://theonion.com/i-work-very-hard-and-i-would-like-to-try-cake/
By The Wasted Onion: Jeffalo Suspected To Have Ties To CIA, Mossad
THE INTERNET—Causing alarm among users of the social media site, reports Monday showed that wasteof.money owner Jeffalo has suspected ties to U.S. and Israeli intelligence services known as the CIA and Mossad respectively.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/jeffalo-suspected-to-have-ties-to-cia-mossad/
This stories headline was written and suggested by @juniperrr, thank you!
Trump Claims He Never Promised A Livable Country
https://theonion.com/trump-claims-he-never-promised-a-livable-country/
ICYMI: White House Doctor Claims Trump A Perfectly Healthy 9-Foot-Tall 35-Year Old
https://theonion.com/white-house-doctor-claims-trump-a-perfectly-healthy-9-foot-tall-35-year-old/
By The Wasted Onion: EU Bans Braille That Matches Background Colour Due To Visibility Concerns
BRUSSELS, BELGIUM—Being hailed as a major win for the visually impaired and blind Saturday, the European Union has banned braille that matches the colour of the background it is on in an effort to make it easier to see.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/eu-bans-braille-that-matches-background-colour-due-to-visibility-concerns/
This stories headline was written and suggested by @owl, thank you!
ICYMI: Heaven’s Gate Members Enjoy 29th Euphoric Year On Highest Plane Of Existence
https://theonion.com/heavens-gate-members-enjoy-29th-euphoric-year-on-highest-plane-of-existence/
Slipknot Orders Trump To Stop Using Their Masks During Rallies
https://theonion.com/slipknot-orders-trump-to-stop-using-their-masks-during-rallies/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: ‘Love Thy Neighbour’ Amended To Exclude Those Who Leave Toilet Seat Up
