Welcome to the official page of The Wasted Onion, The Only News Source. We post the most important and trustworthy journalism that shines light in the dark halls of power and asks the tough questions. They say “Democracy Dies in Darkness,” we say “Hey, We’ll Totally Trade You This Democracy That’s Collecting Dust in Our Attic for a $100 Amazon Gift Card.”
The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: CEO Caught On Camera In Alleged Affair With CPO At Coldplay Concert Really Wishing He Was On Titan Submersible Right Now
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Trump Denies WSJ Report He Sent Bawdy Birthday Letter To Jeffery Epstein, Says He Would Have Drawn Woman With Bigger Breasts
By The Wasted Onion: Charlie Kirk To Start Debating 8-Year-Olds After Losing Too Many Debates To College Kids
PHOENIX, AZ—Standing stoically in a video posted to his X/Twitter account Friday, Turning Point USA Founder and President Charlie Kirk announced he will begin debating 8-year-olds after losing one too many debates against college-aged kids. “As you all know, the radical left has been brainwashing our greatest minds for years now, those being that of 8-year-olds. I plan to go into elementary schools across the nation and confront their liberal propaganda head on to undo the damage and let them see the truth that conservatism is the future America needs and deserves, especially after how my ass was handed to me by sleep deprived college students,” said Mr. Kirk in a video with an elementary school in the background. “I don’t think you understand the true danger of transgender ideology being pushed by the woke liberal mind virus in your school. Don’t you see the constant stream of transgenderism around you in this establishment?” said the political pundit to an 8-year-old staring blankly at him while asking when he can leave to play with his friends in the playground. At press time, Charlie Kirk was seen yelling at a group of second graders painting rainbows in art class that they were “liberal shills” before being escorted out by security.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @dertermenter, thank you!
By The Wasted Onion: Trump Boys Spotted Making Paper Airplanes Out Of Epstein Files
WASHINGTON—Giggling and making plane noises, Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. were reportedly spotted making paper airplanes out of the Epstein files Thursday in the South Lawn of the White House. “It’s so awesome Dad gave us all of this paper and said we could make cool paper airplanes out of them!” said a visibly jubilant Don Jr. as Eric, the younger Trump boy, excitedly folded multiple pages of the Epstein client list into simple origami planes. “Ha! My plane flew way further than yours, you totally suck at this! Just wait till I tell Daddy about how much better my planes were! He’s going to be so proud of how much of this weird paper I used to make epic planes!” said a giddy Eric Trump as his older brother replied “Whatever, Dad’s totally gonna put me in charge of the Compartment of Injustice [sic] after he sees how good I am at handling paper!” At press time, reports confirmed the Trump boys asked their father whatever happened to Uncle Epstein, which got them grounded to “El Labrador” [sic] for a month.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!
Trump Invites Jeffrey Epstein On Stage To Explain There No Conspiracy
https://theonion.com/trump-invites-jeffrey-epstein-on-stage-to-explain-there-no-conspiracy/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: New Wasteof For Android Update Automatically Deletes All Of Your Shitty Posts
By The Wasted Onion: ‘The Wasted Onion Are Frauds And A Waste’ Says Anonymous Former Employee
ST. ANDREWS, SCOTLAND—Accusing The Only News Source of various salacious offences in an interview with lesser news outlet Channel 4 News, an anonymous former employee of The Wasted Onion said the news organisation were “frauds and a waste” during their time at the publication. “The Wasted Onion are frauds and a waste. These guys would waste some of the funniest headlines ever because they supposedly weren’t good enough. The amount of headlines that they’d reject from me were insane, they didn’t deserve me,” said the anonymous source in a televised interview on lesser news program Channel 4 News while being sat behind an obnoxiously large plant to obstruct their face and make them seem like a shortarse. “They would throw out headlines that would clearly split the sides of everyone who reads their paper or wasteof profile. Heck, they’d probably rupture a few organs too. But supposedly they have standards!” North Korean hackers funded by The Wasted Onion hijacked Channel 4 soon after the interview to broadcast “Thick of It” by KSI as punishment for showing the interview. At press time [HELLO DARREN, IT’S JAMES, JAMES BLOND. ONLY YOU CAN SEE THIS. YOU’VE BEEN SMEARING THE WASTED ONION’S NAME. THEY HAVE HIRED ME TO DEAL WITH YOU. SEE YOU SOON], The Wasted Onion said it does not know who the source was.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @cheesewhisk3rs, thank you!
If I Take A Bullet For My Child, How Will They Learn To Take Bullets Themselves?
https://theonion.com/if-i-take-a-bullet-for-my-child-how-will-they-learn-to-take-bullets-themselves/
By The Wasted Onion: Trump Praises Keir Starmer’s Good English
WASHINGTON—Expressing surprise at the PM’s articulate grasp of language, President Donald Trump praised British Prime Minister Keir Starmer’s good English. “Such good English, where did you learn to speak so beautifully? Were you educated? Where?” said Trump with his interest piqued as if he were a child let loose inside a candy store during a phone call with Starmer. “Oh that’s very interesting, beautiful English. I have people at this table who can’t speak English nearly as well,” said an astonished Trump after Starmer said he learnt how to speak English in England as an Englishman by other English people who also spoke English because they were also English. When asked to clarify who he meant when he said other people at the table couldn’t speak English nearly as well as the British Prime Minister, Trump bluntly pointed to Secretary of Health and Human Services RFK Jr. without saying a word. At press time, Trump remarked that Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney was “possessed” after hearing him speak English and then French during a press briefing which was broadcast on lesser news outlet Fox News, with a headline that read “MARK CARNEY SPEAKS THE DEVIL’S TONGUE” as presenter Sean Hannity spoke in modulating tones of fear.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!
White House Evacuated After Trans Alarm Goes Off
https://theonion.com/white-house-evacuated-after-trans-alarm-goes-off-2/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Router Owned By Jeffalo Found To Be Working Under Conditions Against Geneva Conventions
DOJ Removes All Mentions Of Justice From Website
https://theonion.com/doj-removes-all-mentions-of-justice-from-website/
By The Wasted Onion: DVD Sales Of ‘Open Season’ Mysteriously Spike
HOLLYWOOD, CA—Perplexing online stores, streaming services, Hollywood insiders and entertainment journalists alike, Sony Pictures Animation have announced a large and mysterious spike in DVD sales of the 2006 animated children's film “Open Season” since June 5th. “Over the last month beginning roughly June 5th 2025, we have seen a spike in DVD sales of Open Season via all vendors that offer the film. We have yet to find the reason for this unexplained uptick in sales,” said a press release by Kristine Belson, President of Sony Pictures Animation. “I’ve seen some weird spikes in my time, but this one takes the cake. I’ve spoken to people across the entertainment industry and no one can seemingly pin down why this spike is happening to a 2006 kids movie. Online all I can gleam is that people seem interested in the scene where Shaw, the hunter, purposely swerves off the road and hits Elliot the deer with his truck in a flashback just after he said Elliot ran in front of his truck. But I can’t seem to make a connection as to why this has caused people to buy the film in droves,” said Dade Hayes, business editor at lesser publication Deadline. At press time, experts have begun examining what other events may have happened on June 5th to cause the spike, from politics to potentially even video game releases.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Trump Posts Entirety Of ‘I Just Shat Myself In My Maths Exam’ On Truth Social
