Welcome to the official page of The Wasted Onion, The Only News Source. We post the most important and trustworthy journalism that shines light in the dark halls of power and asks the tough questions. They say “Democracy Dies in Darkness,” we say “Hey, We’ll Totally Trade You This Democracy That’s Collecting Dust in Our Attic for a $100 Amazon Gift Card.”
Find more kick-ass journalism at our website: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/
The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
Chase Reminds Customers To Only Share Banking Information With People Who Seem Nice
By The Wasted Onion: Epstein Commits Suicide For Third Time
PALM BEACH, FL—Causing confusion and conspiracy theories to swirl, the FBI confirmed that financier, convicted child sex offender and sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein had been found dead from suicide for the third time Thursday.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/epstein-commits-suicide-for-third-time/
This stories headline was written and suggested by @owl, thank you!
OpenAI Announces Construction Of New Data Center On Top Of Sick Child
https://theonion.com/openai-announces-construction-of-new-data-center-on-top-of-sick-child/
Squirrel Unaware He Embroiled In Months-Long Feud With Homeowner
https://theonion.com/squirrel-unaware-he-embroiled-in-months-long-feud-with-homeowner/
By The Wasted Onion: BBC Interrupts Broadcasts To Announce Elizabeth II Still Dead
WESTMINSTER, ENGLAND—Cutting off its regular TV and radio programmes to inform viewers of the breaking news, lesser media organisation the BBC interrupted its broadcasts Tuesday to announce that former Queen Elizabeth II is still dead.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/bbc-interrupts-broadcasts-to-announce-elizabeth-ii-still-dead/
Sweaty Ass Print On Rowing Machine Already Fading Like All Of Our Earthly Works
By The Wasted Onion: Looksmaxxer Achieves Maximum Looks
KNOXVILLE, TN—Smugly looking down on other men that he now deemed as mere mortals in comparison to him, local looksmaxxer Ryan Clements told reporters Monday that he had finally achieved maximum looks.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/looksmaxxer-achieves-maximum-looks/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Israel Conducts Airstrikes On Eurovision Song Contest 2026 After Placing Second
From The Archives: Soaring Gas Prices Forcing More Americans To Drink Less Gas
https://theonion.com/soaring-gas-prices-forcing-more-americans-to-drink-less-gas/
ICYMI: ‘Sports Illustrated’ Removes Distracting Models From Swimsuit Edition
https://theonion.com/sports-illustrated-removes-distracting-models-from-swimsuit-edition/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Drake Drops 43 Albums At Once Comprised Of Single Song Each
Everyone In Conversation Under Different Impression As To Which Horrific News Being Discussed
By The Wasted Onion: Files Reveal Epstein Procured Victims By Hiding Golden Tickets To His Island In Chocolate Bars
WASHINGTON—Laying bare the depravity of the deceased and disgraced financier yet again, new files released by the Department of Justice Thursday revealed that convicted child sex offender and sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein procured victims by hiding golden tickets to his private island in chocolate bars.
Trump Unwittingly Breaks Chinese Taboo Against Napping Facedown In Soup Bowl
https://theonion.com/trump-unwittingly-breaks-chinese-taboo-against-napping-facedown-in-soup-bowl/
