Welcome to the official page of The Wasted Onion, The Only News Source. We post the most important and trustworthy journalism that shines light in the dark halls of power and asks the tough questions. They say “Democracy Dies in Darkness,” we say “Hey, We’ll Totally Trade You This Democracy That’s Collecting Dust in Our Attic for a $100 Amazon Gift Card.”
The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
ICYMI: Something Forbidden Stirs Deep Within Trump After He Sees Political Cartoon Depicting Him As Chicken
By The Wasted Onion: New York Times Posts Op-Ed Demanding Zohran Mamdani Share His Wife If He Truly Socialist
By The Wasted Onion: Analysis Finds Apple TV+ Has 46 Monthly Users
CUPERTINO, CA—Leaving the tech giant and its investors scrambling to soften the blow of recent news regarding its streaming service, an analysis conducted by Statista has found that Apple TV+ only has 46 monthly users in total as of July 2025. “After an exhaustive investigation into usage patterns and other data, we have been able to conclude that Apple TV+ has a mere 46 monthly users since its launch in November 2019,” said a report published to Statista’s website Sunday. “Our research has also found that while the service had 100s of TV series and films available, we were only able to find that Severance and Ted Lasso were the only offerings that were viewed at all.” Researchers also reached out to some of the service's 46 users, finding they were all surprised to learn that Tom Hanks starred in a film produced for the streamer called Greyhound. When asked for comment, a spokesperson for Apple said that it expects to boost subscriber numbers to a whopping 50 by the end of this quarter, mainly through secret charges hidden in its iTunes terms of service.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @thrat, thank you!
ICYMI: Elon Musk Scrubs X Of Jewish Users Who Made Grok Mad
https://theonion.com/elon-musk-scrubs-x-of-jewish-users-who-made-grok-mad/
By The Wasted Onion: @Late Shocks Nation, Arrives To Inauguration On Time
THE INTERNET—Causing surprise across the social media site over their remarkable timekeeping skills, wasteof user and vice president-elect Late turned up to their and president-elect Kiwi’s inauguration on time. “Late? You’re here on time? What in the world? You’re never on time for anything, not even your own birth,” said Kiwi in astonishment as he saw Late arriving at the inauguration with time to spare in case certain aspects of the event run over their expected length. “I mean, wait, let me check that my watch is set to the right time. Wow, okay, it is. How did you do this man? Like seriously, you have always been late to everything, and now suddenly you’re not just on time, you’ve got minutes to spare? I don’t even recognise you anymore.” Fellow wasteof users attending the inauguration shared similar surprise at the situation, with site owner Jeffalo expressing astonishment that the vice-president elect was on time and that this joke was still going. During a brief interview with The Wasted Onion before being sworn in, Late said they were “tired of being defined by my namesake, I want to be more than Late, I want to be Early” before quietly sobbing.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @kiwi, thank you!
Australian Woman Convicted Of Triple Murder Using Poisonous Mushrooms
https://theonion.com/australian-woman-convicted-of-triple-murder-using-poisonous-mushrooms/
By The Wasted Onion: Xbox Executive Recommends Homeless People Just Buy A House
REDMOND, WA—Offering advice to those finding themselves without a home, Matt Turnbull, an executive producer at Xbox Game Studios Publishing suggested homeless people should just buy a house. “I know this type of advice engenders strong feelings in people, but I'd be remiss in not trying to offer the best advice I can given the situation many that are homeless find themselves in. I've been experimenting with ways to help reduce the emotional and cognitive load that comes with homelessness. I have concluded that homeless people should simply purchase a home,” said Mr. Turnbull in a post on LinkedIn. “No advice I give is a replacement for your voice or your lived experience. But at a time when mental energy is scarce, this advice can help get you unstuck faster, calmer, and with more clarity. If this helps, feel free to share with others in your network. Stay kind, stay smart, stay connected and buy a house, idiot.” Reactions to the post were mixed, from outrage over the “tone-deaf” message to praise, such as from Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella, who said Turnbull was “thinking logically, unlike you brokies!” At press time, Mr. Turnbull deleted his LinkedIn post, posting a new one offering an apology, saying “I’m sorry for what I said, it was inappropriate. I should have never referred to unhoused people as homeless people.”
This stories headline was written and suggested by @kiwi, thank you!
Study: 97% Of Average American’s Day Spent Retrieving 6-Digit Codes
https://theonion.com/study-97-of-average-americans-day-spent-retrieving-6-digit-codes/
By The Wasted Onion: FBI Announces Jeffery Epstein Never Existed
WASHINGTON—Holding a press briefing to share new information regarding a controversial case, FBI Director Kash Patel announced that Jeffery Epstein, the financier who procured children for prostitution in a sex trafficking ring who then allegedly committed suicide while in prison never existed. “After an extensive investigation since I was appointed Director of the FBI, we have come to the conclusion that Jeffery Epstein never actually existed and was simply a figment of everyone's collective imagination,” said Mr. Patel, leaving the room of reporters of lesser media organisations in bewilderment. “To be clear, Mr. Epstein did not traffick minors to a private island for sex with himself or other powerful individuals, as he would need to have existed to be able to do that. This also means that Epstein did not kill himself, as he never existed in the first place to end his own life.” When asked if this sudden change in tone from the FBI was motivated by alleged ties between Epstein and President Trump, Patel pushed back, repeatedly screaming that Epstein did not exist while he crawled into a ball in the corner of the room. At press time, the FBI also announced that Ghislaine Maxwell, who helped procure children for the non-existent Jeffery Epstein did not exist either, but rather was a result of the Mandela effect.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!
Elon Musk Weeps, For There Are No More Women To Impregnate
https://theonion.com/elon-musk-weeps-for-there-are-no-more-women-to-impregnate/
By The Wasted Onion: I'm Going To Overthrow The Government Or Die Trying
Look, I understand that governments exist for a reason. They are there to ensure that we have a functional society and don’t just have a lawless hellscape, and I also know why we have elections; they allow the citizens of nations to decide their future based on what they believe and what they feel is best for their country. It also prevents those who go drunk with power from keeping that power forever.
However, I’m so fucking goddamn pissed that you stupid motherfuckers voted for Kiwi rather than me. What was it? Am I not worthy of the title of wasteof president? Is it because I’m an owl, huh? You morons would vote for a plank of wood if someone stuck googly eyes on it. Like seriously, what’s your problem? You had a perfectly good candidate right here, but no! You just had to go and vote for someone else!
That’s why I am going to do everything in my power to overthrow this incoming government, even if it kills me.
You read that right, I’m going to perform a coup d'état the likes you’ve never seen before. It’s the only option left. The democratic system has failed me, and that means you have left me no choice but to unseat Kiwi from power and make myself your president no matter the cost.
I know what you’re thinking. You think I’m bluffing, but trust me, I am not. I will overthrow this government or die trying. Which will likely be the latter.
This piece was suggested by @owl & @kiwi, thank you!
By The Wasted Onion: @Leaks Confirms Chance He Overthrows Kiwi Administration Low, Not Necessarily Zero
THE INTERNET—Sharing the latest information from his trusted source, wasteof account @leaks claimed that while the chances of him overthrowing the incoming Kiwi administration was low, it was not necessarily zero. “According to my sources, I can confirm that the chances of Kiwi being overthrown by me is fairly low, but is not completely off the table,” said a post made to the accounts page, refusing to explain exactly how high or low the chances are of a coup devised by the account. “Wait hold on, you’re saying there’s a non-zero chance you will violently overthrow me as president of wasteof? Oh no,” said a worried president-elect Kiwi on his wasteof account Tuesday. Leaks quickly responded, saying that according to his trusted source the chances of a violent insurrection are low, but not impossible. As other members of the social media platform began to chime in, owner Jeffalo said in a post late afternoon that “the only person doing any overthrowing here is me,” before proceeding to elect himself president of wasteof.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @kiwi, thank you!
Insecure Woman Doesn’t Like Eating In Front Of Surveillance State
https://theonion.com/insecure-woman-doesnt-like-eating-in-front-of-surveillance-state/
Election Coverage: Wasteof Shocks World By Electing Person Not Old As Hell
THE INTERNET—Leaving the world gazing on in awe with their jaws agape from the results pouring in from the social media platform, wasteof.money shocked nations across the globe Monday after it elected someone who isn’t old as hell. “I’m just speechless, you’re telling me there's a place online that's just elected a guy who isn’t primed to be wheeled into the nearest care home and doesn’t have some borderline form of dementia? That’s crazy,” said Martin Fennel, a civil servant during former-President Joe Biden’s tenure at the White House as well as current President Trump’s administration. “Hold on, this new president of this website called wasteof isn’t an old fucking narcissistic asshole who people only use for their own benefit because he’s more easily bought than an assault rifle in the country?” said First Lady Melania Trump in a letter sent written in blood to The Wasted Onion’s office found in the building where the U.S. keeps all the moon landing props. “Just for the record I also am only married to this fucking bastard for the free plane and crypto rugpulls,” said another part of the letter. When asked about the recent election of Kiwi as wasteof’s new president, U.S. President Donald Trump said that he didn’t know what wasteof was, before proceeding to ask if the journalist meant DOGE.
