Welcome to the official page of The Wasted Onion, The Only News Source. We post the most important and trustworthy journalism that shines light in the dark halls of power and asks the tough questions. They say “Democracy Dies in Darkness,” we say “Hey, We’ll Totally Trade You This Democracy That’s Collecting Dust in Our Attic for a $100 Amazon Gift Card.”
Find more kick-ass journalism at our website: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/
The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
By The Wasted Onion: Sam Altman Asks Sora To Generate Alternate Reality Where OpenAI Profitable
SAN FRANCISCO, CA—Following the abrupt announcement that the company was shuttering its AI text-to-video generation app Sora, OpenAI CEO Sam Altman was reportedly seen asking Sora to generate an alternate reality in which OpenAI was actually profitable.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/sam-altman-asks-sora-to-generate-alternate-reality-where-openai-profitable/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Sora Loses Job To Humankind
https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/special/sora-loses-job-to-humankind/
By The Wasted Onion: Trump Reaches Imaginary Iran Deal Following Negotiations With Himself In Shower
WASHINGTON—Hailing the achievement as "very good" Tuesday, U.S. President Donald Trump has announced he has reached an imaginary deal with Iran to bring an end to the hostilities between the two nations after winning intense, made-up negotiations with himself while in the shower.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/trump-reaches-imaginary-iran-deal-following-negotiations-with-himself-in-shower/
By The Wasted Onion: DOJ Releases Unredacted Epstein Files To Distract From Iran War
WASHINGTON—In what appears as the Trump administrations most desperate attempt yet to shift public discourse away from the ongoing U.S.-Israel war against Iran, the Department of Justice has released a slew of unredacted documents part of the Epstein files. "As part of our ongoing disclosures regarding the deceased child sex offender and trafficker Jeffrey Epstein, I am announcing today that I have ordered the Department of Justice to immediately release over 2 million files fully unredacted for the public to view on the DOJ website," said Attorney General Pam Bondi. "We encourage the American public to spend as much time as possible perusing the trove of documents, we also heavily encourage journalists to solely focus on dissecting every little detail they can. Luckily there isn't much else for you guys to talk about right now. So c'mon, please discuss these new files with your friends, family, neighbours, co-workers, pets and the voices in your head!" Bondi also encouraged Americans to extensively spend time reading fully unredacted testimonies that implicate President Trump in a series of sex crimes against children, saying that "who knows, maybe you'll find a little nugget of information that proves once and for all that our great president did indeed fuck kids." At press time, panicked Republican lawmakers began floating the idea of beginning impeachment proceedings against Trump in an effort to distract from the Iran war.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/doj-releases-unredacted-epstein-files-to-distract-from-iran-war/
By The Wasted Onion: Wasted Onion CEO: ‘Our New Website Contains Every Virus And Tracker Known To Man’
DUNDEE, SCOTLAND—Speaking at a corporate event to celebrate the launch of his news organisations latest milestone, owner of news organisation The Wasted Onion Clef Bozos said that its new website contains every kind of virus and tracker known to the human race. "Our new website contains every virus and tracker known to man. From trojans to worms and even malware, the brand new website of the The Only News Source is filled to the brim with an endless barrage of malicious code that will leave your device begging for mercy," said the owner of The Wasted Company to a room full of psychologically damaged billionaires vying to influence you via The Wasted Onion's journalism. "And don't forget about all the cookie popups that have multiple menus and will end up asking you for payment to not be tracked by third party cookies. Oh, and I adore all the invasive fingerprinting tech we shoved into every nook and cranny of this bloated website, we're going to know all of the specs of your device before you even get past all the ads." Later during an investors call with Satan, Mr. Bozos also mention how The Wasted Onion's new website would force the users device to self-destruct if they did not turn off their adblocker. At press time, senior leadership at The Wasted Company were pressuring its development team of hypnotised monkeys to create an age verification gate to access the website, hoping to share the information with Palantir.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/wasted-onion-ceo-our-new-website-contains-every-virus-and-tracker-known-to-man/
MAGA Voter Claims She Loves High Gas Prices
https://theonion.com/maga-voter-claims-she-loves-high-gas-prices/
By The Wasted Onion: Democrats Support Bill To Rename Highway After Charlie Kirk Because It Kinda Funny
COLUMBIA, SC—Erupting into an intense debate in the South Carolina House of Representatives Monday, Democrats supported a resolution that would rename a portion of highway 76 to the "Charlie Kirk Memorial Highway" after claiming that it was kinda funny. "While members have the deference to name stretches of roadways in their respective districts, this decision is fucking goddamn hilarious to many South Carolinians particularly in the Black community," said Representative Hamilton R. Grant (D-SC) while laughing at photos of "Kirkified" memes on his phone. "I was inspired by Charlie Kirk my entire life. I looked up to him. I listened to his work every single day. So his passing affected me deeply and profoundly. Wait, guys, I really need you all to stop laughing or I will cry," pleaded Representative Luke Rankin (R-SC) as he pouted and attempted to hold back tears. Reactions to the resolution advancing to the South Carolina Senate were mixed, with many residents believing the renaming of the highway would be a sober, powerful tribute to the conservative activist, while others were snickering and excited to let out a good cackle at the pretty funny idea of renaming a road after Charlie Kirk of all people. At press time, inspired by multiple states introducing bills to rename roads in honour of Kirk, Senate Republicans were considering introducing a bill that would make the AI-generated song "We Are Charlie Kirk" by Spalexma the official national anthem of the United States.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!
IT Guy Warns Employees Not To Trust Emails He Sends After A Few Drinks
https://theonion.com/it-guy-warns-employees-not-to-trust-emails-he-sends-after-a-few-drinks/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Joe Biden On War With Iran: ‘Zzzzzzzzz…’
This special report was written and suggested by kattz__ on Discord, thank you!
ICYMI: Trump To Americans: ‘You Won’t Have To Pay Your Son’s Cell Phone Bill When He Dies At War’
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: New Blaze Music Streaming Service Tsunami Just Single Low Quality Copy Of ‘Songs Of Innocence’ By U2 Which Cannot Be Deleted
ICYMI: Trump Boys Try Trading In George Washington Portrait At GameStop
https://theonion.com/trump-boys-try-trading-in-george-washington-portrait-at-gamestop/
By The Wasted Onion: MAGA To Change Name To ‘Kool Kidz Klub’
MANHATTAN, NY—Announcing that the the political slogan was falling out of favour with its base and the general public, the Trump Organization announced Thursday that it was planning on renaming the U.S. president's political movement from Make America Great Again (MAGA) to Kool Kidz Klub. "After much careful consideration and consultation with some of the most prominent individuals part of the presidents patriotic movement to Make America Great Again, it has been decided by both the Trump Organization and the White House that MAGA no longer correctly serves the purposes of this great movement. With that in mind, we are encouraging our MAGA patriots to begin adopting the new shorthand of the Kool Kidz Klub, abbreviated as, uh oh, um," said a spokesperson for the Trump Organization before panicking and rushing off to the nearest closet. "As we all know, President Trump has been famous for his excellent naming skills, from the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE), to Operation Epic Furry [sic], the president has once again made an excellent naming choice in rebranding his powerful MAGA movement for the ever evolving times in our great nation," said Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt. Following the announcement, the Make America Healthy Again (MAHA) movement, associated with Health and Human Services Secretary RFK Jr., was also planning to be renamed to New Awesome Zombie Infections. At press time, Trump administration officials were seen scrambling to revert back to MAGA branding after realising that associating the president with a slogan that has the word "kids" in it is likely a bad idea.
This stories headline was written and suggested by kattz__ on Discord, thank you!
Trump Defends Addition Of Ballroom To Air Force One
https://theonion.com/trump-defends-addition-of-ballroom-to-air-force-one/
