Welcome to the official page of The Wasted Onion, The Only News Source. We post the most important and trustworthy journalism that shines light in the dark halls of power and asks the tough questions. They say “Democracy Dies in Darkness,” we say “Hey, We’ll Totally Trade You This Democracy That’s Collecting Dust in Our Attic for a $100 Amazon Gift Card.”
The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
From The Archives: Middle East Conflict Intensifies As Blah Blah Blah, Etc. Etc.
https://theonion.com/middle-east-conflict-intensifies-as-blah-blah-blah-etc-1819569079/
Congress Passes Blank Bill For Trump To Write Whatever Law He Wants
https://theonion.com/congress-passes-blank-bill-for-trump-to-write-whatever-law-he-wants/
By The Wasted Onion: G7 Nations Launch Minecraft Multiplayer Server
KANANASKIS, CANADA—Beside his fellow G7 leaders ready to make a historic announcement, Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney said the G7 member nations have agreed to launch a Minecraft multiplayer survival server. “The world requires that we speak in one, unified voice. We agreed the best way to do this was by launching a cool as hell Minecraft server,” said Mr. Carney. “I am thrilled to get stuck into building the Eiffel Tower to show the beauty of France in block form,” said French President Emmanuel Macron, with German Chancellor Friedrich Merz adding that he will “contribute German efficiency to the collection of diamonds.” Mere days after concluding the summit, G7 leaders logged onto the server for the first time, with Macron and Merz being joined by Italian Prime Minister Giorgia Meloni, European Commission President Ursula von der Leyen, and European Council President António Costa to go mining while British Prime Minister Keir Starmer stayed at spawn, claiming he didn’t want to “join the European single mining market.” Elsewhere, Japanese Prime Minister Shigeru Ishiba and Carney returned from the Nether to place a dried Ghast into water, hoping to build flag poles taller than the ones recently installed at the White House. At press time, U.S. President Donald Trump ventured into the End with full golden armour and tools to fight the Ender Dragon, resulting in him dying instantly before rage quitting.
Man Returning From Near-Death Experience Recalls Angels Making Him Sign NDA
https://theonion.com/man-returning-from-near-death-experience-recalls-angels-making-him-sign-nda/
By The Wasted Onion: Farage Announces Plan To Do What Trump Doing
WESTMINSTER, LONDON—Proudly standing outside the House of Commons waving a large stack of papers at reporters and onlookers, Reform UK leader Nigel Farage has announced his plan to do what U.S. President Donald Trump is doing. “I am proud to announce that I am going to do whatever the hell Trump is doing right now if I become Britain's next Prime Minister. For example, we’re going to be renaming the Irish Sea to the Gulf of England,” said Mr. Farage as he held up a map with the Irish Sea scribbled out and the Gulf of England written in its place with red Sharpie. “Britain desperately needs reform, and we’re the only ones poised to deliver that reform by copy pasting all of the batshit insane dumbassery Trump is doing across the pond. You’ve heard of making Canada the 51st state, now behold annexing the European Union into old Blighty!” Farage also promised to begin Trump-style mass deportations to some of the most harrowing places on Earth, such as Birmingham. At press time, British Prime Minister Keir Starmer announced plans to copy what Farage is doing, who is copying what Trump is doing, who is likely on his third Diet Coke of the day already.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!
Passengers At Gate Saddened By Poor Frightened Plane Loose Inside Airport
https://theonion.com/passengers-at-gate-saddened-by-poor-frightened-plane-loose-inside-airport/
Gunman Takes Huge Swing Ordering Hostages Buffalo Chicken Pizza
https://theonion.com/gunman-takes-huge-swing-ordering-hostages-buffalo-chicken-pizza/
By The Wasted Onion: OceanGate Announces New Paid Expeditions To See Wreckage Of Imploded Titan Submersible
Trump Calls Shooting Victims To Rant About Tim Walz
https://theonion.com/trump-calls-shooting-victims-to-rant-about-tim-walz/
Via ClickHole: Troubling Statistic: 7% Of All US Children Experience Growing Up With A Parent Who Is Behind A Paywall
ICYMI: Marines Raise American Flag Outside Cell Phone Store After Defeating Skateboarding Teenagers
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: ‘It Was A Misinput, Misinput! Calm Down! You Calm The Fuck Down! It Was A Misinput!’ Insists Wasted Onion Spokesman On Israel/Iran Post
U.S. Military Parade Special Report: Trump Mouths Lyrics To ‘Happy Birthday’ While National Anthem Plays
https://theonion.com/trump-mouths-lyrics-to-happy-birthday-while-national-anthem-plays/
By The Wasted Onion: Taliban Replaces Popping Candy With Painted, Saliva Activated Microbombs
KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Causing mass panic and confusion as reports of explosions began pouring out of the country to the world, sources indicate the Taliban had replaced popping candy with painted, saliva activated microbombs. “It is honestly quite a cunning move, to replace the irresistible mouth feel of popping candy with the strategic and instantly activated microbomb that would terminate the target instantaneously. What’s worse is that it doesn’t even taste nice,” said Jarvis Gledhill, a military strategist who spoke to The Wasted Onion after being kidnapped, driven to an unknown location in a white van, and tied to a chair. “Not just that, but the technology to do this is quite complex, while we know the Taliban won’t do much good with such a weapon, it would be fascinating to understand how they develop such weaponry. What was that? You got some here? You’ll let me try it? Wait, wait no, stop, please no! Have mercy!” Mr. Gledhill was eviscerated moments after his saliva made contact with the microbombs. Following the test, The Wasted Onion’s science correspondent Adam Savage surveyed the damage alongside a film crew to produce an episode for an upcoming reboot of Mythbusters.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @mrowlsss, thank you!
