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The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
By The Wasted Onion: Netanyahu Purchases Wasteof For $13
JERUSALEM, ISRAEL—Leaving both his supporters and critics confused as well as surprised Wednesday, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has announced that he purchased Swiss social media site wasteof.money for $13. “It is with great enthusiasm that I can announce my bid for wasteof.money was successful. After short negotiations with the sites previous owners that were almost as constructive as the negotiations I’ve had with Hamas, I officially acquired wasteof for ₪42.50 [$13]. I have great plans for the small but bustling social media site; such as a new moderation team run by the IDF and Mossad that will protect users from harmful content, such as posts advocating for the humane treatment of the so-called Palestinians,” said the Prime Minister outside the Beit Aghion. “One of the many reasons I decided to purchase wasteof is to root out the horrific antisemitism rife on the platform. The amount of people who seem to believe that the people of Gaza and the West Bank deserve human rights and dignity is horrifying. This will need to be solved in the only way possible, by getting Elon Musk to fuck the site up beyond recognition. We did think about airstriking the site, but we were sad to discover you cannot drop bombs on a website yet, we’ll get there eventually, and we’ll make sure to waste plenty of money doing it.” Mr. Netanyahu continued, stating that The Wasted Onion was to be banned from the site if it did not stop making fun of him and Israel, which is seen by experts to be near enough impossible. At press time, Netanyahu said he was planning on transitioning wasteof over to Israeli web development platform Wix, following the “success” of competing social media site Blaze which also used the platform.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @salad, thank you!
Medical Student Practices Fat Shaming On Cadaver
https://theonion.com/medical-student-practices-fat-shaming-on-cadaver/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Man Confused Whether It 2030 After COP30
This special report was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!
MPA Rates ‘Zootopia 2’ PG-13 For Sexually Awakening Content
https://theonion.com/mpa-rates-zootopia-2-pg-13-for-sexually-awakening-content/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: TallPeter Posthumously Sworn In As Interim Wasteof President After Kiwi Lost In Action
Interactive COP30 Exhibit Allows Attendees To Be Shot Up Into Air On Big Spurt Of Oil
By The Wasted Onion: Nintendo Suing Entire Planet For Having People Named Mario
KYOTO, JAPAN—Promising to bring the full force of the law upon all those it feels has infringed on its copyright, video game company Nintendo has announced its intentions to sue the entire planet Earth for having individuals named after the eponymous character “Mario” in the Super Mario franchise. “Today, Nintendo announces its plan to initiate legal proceedings against the planet Earth for harbouring people named ‘Mario,’ which is a registered trademark name under Japanese copyright law and belongs to Nintendo Co., Ltd. We plan to ensure that all those infringing the Super Mario trademark will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law, up to and including having to play the Virtual Boy for a week straight,” said Fujikawa Waluigi, a legal representative for the company. “Nintendo has already begun serving the court papers to the roughly 4,660,878 defendants named ‘Mario’ across the globe. They will have 30 business days to legally change their name, purchase a Nintendo Switch 2 for ¥49,980 [roughly $318] and begin a Nintendo Switch Online membership, or face legal obliteration that will financially ruin them more than purchasing our products.” Miss Waluigi continued, stating that Nintendo was also looking into possibly suing individuals with the names “Luigi, Wario, Bowser, Rosalina, Kirby, Link, Zelda and Waluigi,” with Miss Waluigi sweating as she read out the last name on the list in her hands. At press time, Nintendo filed court documents to sue itself for using its own trademarks without its own permission.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @kiwi, thank you!
From The Archives: Boeing Rebrands 737 Max With Flame Decals To Attract Risk-Taking Badasses With A Death Wish
https://theonion.com/boeing-rebrands-737-max-with-flame-decals-to-attract-ri-1840487393/
ICYMI: RFK Jr.: ‘The President Having Sex With Children Is Fine From A Purely Nutritional Standpoint’
JD Vance Cries In Bathroom After Trump Uses ‘Piggy’ Nickname On Someone Else
https://theonion.com/jd-vance-cries-in-bathroom-after-trump-uses-piggy-nickname-on-someone-else/
By The Wasted Onion: Trump Boys Ask Father Who ‘Uncle Bubba’ Is
WASHINGTON—Shyly scurrying past several White House staff and aides as they made their way into the Oval Office like scared kittens, the Trump boys reportedly asked their father Thursday who “Uncle Bubba” is. “Daddy, I’m really, really confused right now, everyone was talking about a strange ‘Bubba’ man when we were playing tag in the West Wing. Even Uncle Hedgeseth [sic] was talking about it when he was drinking his ‘grown up juice,’” said a visibly distraught Eric Trump, fiddling with his hands and sticking out his lower lip to hold back tears as his older brother, Donald Trump Jr., looked meekly at his father with his toy Trump phone gripped firmly in his hands. “Auntie Ham [sic] said you and Uncle Bubba were the bestest of buddies. She said you and Uncle Epstein used to play together all the time! He sounds so awesome, daddy! Can we meet him? Do you think he’ll think the fart sounds I make with my mouth are cool? Can I show him my ICE costume? Daddy, did you blow bubbles with Uncle Bubba?” At press time, the Trump boys were asking their father if they too could “blow bubbles with Bubba.”
OpenAI Reveals ChatGPT Primarily Used To Ask If Hot Dog Too Old To Eat
https://theonion.com/openai-reveals-chatgpt-primarily-used-to-ask-if-hot-dog-too-old-to-eat/
‘You Think You’re Better Than Me?’ Says Nicki Minaj Interrupting Child Reciting Nursery Rhyme
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: @EvilJeffalo Claims Full Responsibility For Cloudflare Outage
This special report was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!
‘We’re Off To See The World!’ Shout Saluting Trump Boys Setting Sail On D.C. Reflecting Pool
