Welcome to the official page of The Wasted Onion, The Only News Source. We post the most important and trustworthy journalism that shines light in the dark halls of power and asks the tough questions. They say “Democracy Dies in Darkness,” we say “Hey, We’ll Totally Trade You This Democracy That’s Collecting Dust in Our Attic for a $100 Amazon Gift Card.”
The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
Netanyahu Calls Iran Strikes Necessary To Prevent War He Just Started
https://theonion.com/netanyahu-calls-iran-strikes-necessary-to-prevent-war-he-just-started/
By The Wasted Onion: Trump Renames ‘Los Angeles’ To ‘The Angels’
WASHINGTON—Speaking in the Oval Office Thursday following further protests around the country against his administration's controversial immigration raids, President Donald Trump signed an executive order renaming Los Angeles to The Angels, the English translation of the city's Spanish name. “We are making The Angels great again, because they haven’t been as of late. These illegal alien thugs have been running rampant on the streets for far too long, they even hijacked our American cities with some sort of other language, we’re gonna fix that. I mean, who doesn’t like angels? I like angels, I also like Charlie’s Angels,” said the President after signing the executive order. “The Democrats would never do this, never, no. They’re too busy getting the courts to stop us from deporting these evil illegals from our beautiful nation, destroying our perfect English language with weird un-American ones, and trashing good movies like Charlie’s Angels.” Trump continued, saying that the 45% critic rating for Charlie’s Angels on Rotten Tomatoes was because of the “woke mind virus.” At press time, sources close to the President claimed that other options suggested for the Californian city included “Los Santos,” the fictional city in the video game Grand Theft Auto 5, which was regarded by the President as “badass” according to reports.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Wasted Onion CEO: ‘Are We Not Important Enough To Get Spam Mentions On Wasteof?’
ICE Vows To Restore Order Using Whatever Force Unnecessary
https://theonion.com/ice-vows-to-restore-order-using-whatever-force-unnecessary/
Dissolving Fillers Leave Face Completely Concave
https://theonion.com/dissolving-fillers-leave-face-completely-concave/
By The Wasted Onion: The Wasted Onion Announces Newspaper That Will Be Available Everywhere Except Exactly Where You Live
ST. ANDREWS, SCOTLAND—Celebrating the achievement of reaching two hundred posts on its wasteof account, The Wasted Onion has announced a newspaper that will be available around the globe except for your exact geographical location. “As we stand here celebrating the momentous milestone of 200 posts to our wasteof account, which has garnered a combined count of over 7.8 trillion views, we are also excited to announce our latest offering, The Wasted Onion newspaper. Yes, paper, something you can hold in your sweaty peasant hands; starting tomorrow. Except for you, dear reader, you will unfortunately be unable to find our newspaper wherever you are located,” said CEO Clef Bozos outside the news organisation's ebola chocolate factory. “Our inability to provide the newspaper to your location is due to a myriad of reasons, such as delivery complications to local stores around your geographical area, to the fact that we found out you haven’t likely ever read a newspaper in your goddamn life, and also because you just give us creepy vibes and we’re scared of what you’d do with our paper.” At press time, Mr. Bozos assured that The Wasted Onion would make up for its inability to provide its newspaper to your specific location by continuing its onslaught of posting the harsh light of truth to its wasteof profile, no matter how much you beg for it to stop.
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Wasteof Alpha To Get ‘Liquid Glass’ Redesign
ICE Releases Gavin Newsom Beheading Video
https://theonion.com/ice-releases-gavin-newsom-beheading-video/
Protesters Urged Not To Give Trump Administration Pretext For What It Already Doing
ICYMI: IRS Allows Taxpayers To Deposit Payments Directly Into Elon Musk’s Bank Account
https://theonion.com/irs-allows-taxpayers-to-deposit-payments-directly-into-elon-musks-bank-account/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Update: Trump Buys X/Twitter In Retaliation, Renames It Apartheid Social
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Elon Musk Buys Truth Social, Renames It Jeffery Epstein Fan Club
ICYMI: MAGA Voter Assumed Trump Would Only Deport People On List She Mailed To White House
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Elon Musk Buys Truth Social, Renames It Jeffery Epstein Fan Club
Trump Escalates Musk Feud By Nuking Mars
https://theonion.com/trump-escalates-musk-feud-by-nuking-mars/
By The Wasted Onion: Internet Loudly Complains About Disney+ Price Increase, Proceeds To Give Them Money Anyway
THE INTERNET—Furiously typing away on social media sites, forums, and group chats with friends in frustration over further price hikes, internet users loudly complained Friday about an increase in the price of Disney+ before proceeding to give the streamer their money anyway. “I am sick and tired of these streaming services taking us for fools, it pisses me off so much. At this point streaming feels just like TV, and that’s why I’m still giving Disney my hard earned money on a monthly basis,” said a comment posted on Reddit which was edited hours later thanking strangers for Reddit gold. “Honestly I don’t even need Disney+ man, I rarely ever open it as I’m just endlessly scrolling a myriad of streaming services that are serving me algorithmic suggestions on what to watch that never actually leave me satisfied. Anyway I guess I gotta stop feeding my kids so I can keep my subscription lol,” said a post on Facebook from a man The Wasted Onion hunted down and slapped in the face for being such an utter dipshit. At press time, Disney announced it planned to give all Disney+ subscribers a free punch in the face from an employee dressed as Mickey Mouse sent directly to their doorstep.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @kiwi, thank you!
