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The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
Archaeologists: D.C. Capitol May Have Once Been Used For Legislating
https://theonion.com/archaeologists-d-c-capitol-may-have-once-been-used-for-legislating/
By The Wasted Onion: Joe Canada, Inventor Of Canada, Dead At 54 Of Maple Syrup Overdose
TRURO, CANADA—Holding a press conference hours after speculation began regarding the Canadians wellbeing, the Truro Police Service announced that Joe Canada, real name Jeff Douglas, known as the inventor of Canada, had died of a maple syrup overdose. “At 9am local time, an ambulance unit was dispatched to a Tim Hortons following a 911 call that a man was going into maple syrup induced shock. A police unit was also dispatched. It took emergency services around 10 minutes to respond due to the sheer amount of Tim Hortons in the area, around 197 I believe within a 5 mile radius. Once at the scene, paramedics gave the man treatment by feeding him more maple syrup, which unfortunately did not work,” said a spokesperson for the Truro Police Service, explaining they found Mr. Canada covered in poutine for some unknown reason. “After being rushed to the local hospital after we made a stop at another Tim Hortons, Joe Canada was pronounced dead at 4pm of a maple syrup overdose. We have found no evidence that there was foul play or anyone else involved in the death of Mr. Canada. His only company at the time of his death was his pet beaver called Reeves who started to build a dam out of pillows around the hospital room in sorrow.” According to authorities, Joe Canada’s last words were “I don’t pronounce it ‘aboot,’ I pronounce it ‘about.’” In reaction to his death, Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney said Joe Canada was “a hero to us Canadians, being the inventor of our nation and protector, we will miss him dearly,” going on to announce that it would make America the 11th Canadian province in Mr. Canada’s honour.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @juniperrr, thank you!
Via McSweeney’s: Let’s Fucking GOOOOOOOOOO! (by Lockheed Martin)
https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/lets-fucking-goooooooooo-by-lockheed-martin
ICYMI: Trump Claims He Will Marry Maduro’s Wife Until Suitable Replacement Found
https://theonion.com/trump-claims-he-will-marry-maduros-wife-until-suitable-replacement-found/
JD Vance Claims Renée Good Had No Authority To Be Alive In First Place
https://theonion.com/jd-vance-claims-renee-good-had-no-authority-to-be-alive-in-first-place/
By The Wasted Onion: ICE Issues Remorseful Apology For Not Shooting Minneapolis Woman Sooner
MINNEAPOLIS, MN—Following the fatal shooting of 37-year-old Minneapolis resident and U.S. citizen Renee Nicole Good by an Immigration and Customs Enforcement agent, which had led to mass protests across the nation against the agency, ICE has issued an apology to Ms. Good’s family and the community for not shooting her sooner. “Given the intense public response to our actions on Wednesday morning in Minneapolis, we have reflected and would like to make a strong, earnest apology towards the people of Minneapolis, Renee Good’s loved ones, and anyone across America appalled at what they’ve seen. We should have shot her as soon as we had the opportunity,” said an unidentified ICE agent wearing a totally rad and not at all cringe mask with a skull design on it. “It was clear we didn’t have to wait for Renee Good to fear for her life and attempt to escape the clutches of our government sanctioned death cult. We should have immediately gunned her down as soon as we had line of sight before she had a chance to react or know we were there. It is preposterous in hindsight that we tried to open her car door when we could have used that time to point a gun right at her frontal lobe and blow it right out of her cranium like tissue paper.” Hours later, Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem held a press conference in Washington D.C. to announce that ICE would now follow a “shoot immediately, don’t ask questions ever” policy going forward to avoid what happened in Minneapolis in the future. Immediately following the announcement, ICE agents shot Mrs. Noem believing her to be an “illegal alien” needing to be removed from the country.
Kristi Noem Calls Fatal Minneapolis Shooting Cathartic
https://theonion.com/kristi-noem-calls-fatal-minneapolis-shooting-cathartic/
Trump Asks National Intelligence Point-Blank If God Real
https://theonion.com/trump-asks-national-intelligence-point-blank-if-god-real/
By The Wasted Onion: Trump Eyes Yugoslavia As Next Nation To Seize
WASHINGTON—Seemingly emboldened after the successful mission to capture Venezuelan President Nicolás Maduro, U.S. President Donald Trump has expressed interest in seizing the former nation of Yugoslavia, believing it to still currently exist. “We need Yugoslavia very badly. We need Yugoslavia from the standpoint of national security. And the Yugoslavs are not gonna be able to stop it, I can tell you. I know Stjepan Mesić very well, very good man,” said Trump on Air Force One before a reporter made him aware the country broke up in 1991 and 1992, with the president seemingly confused how Stjepan Mesić was in fact the final president of Yugoslavia before going on to become the president of Croatia from 2000 to 2010. “We live in a world, in the real world, Jake, that is governed by strength, that is governed by force, that is governed by power. These are the iron laws of the world since the beginning of time. Nobody’s going to fight the United States militarily over the future of Yugoslavia, mainly because its future was already determined back in the 90s during a pretty awful war or something,” said top security advisor and aide Stephen Miller in an interview with lesser news outlet CNN. Following the threats made by the Trump administration, nations formerly part of Yugoslavia released statements trying to explain to Trump that he couldn’t seize a country that doesn’t exist anymore. At press time, Stephen Miller reportedly suggested that President Trump could seize each of the former nations of Yugoslavia and reunite them to resurrect the country.
British Teen Returning From Semester In U.S. Regales Friends With Tale Of Food That Tastes Good
Panicked xAI Technicians Frantically Throw Levers To Find The One Controlling Grok’s Pedophilia
The Wasted Onion Magazine: Grey Is The New Black: The Upcoming 2026 Fashion Trends For Leaders Captured By The U.S.
From The Archives: CIA Orchestrates Coup D’État To Replace Entire Population Of Venezuela
https://theonion.com/cia-orchestrates-coup-d-etat-to-replace-entire-populati-1819579319/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Peace President Peacefully Orders Peace Strikes On Foreign Nation To Promote Peace Peacefully
From The Archives: Trump Offers Clear, Historical Precedent For Deploying U.S. Military With No Provocation
https://theonion.com/trump-offers-clear-historical-precedent-for-deploying-1832659857/
