Welcome to the official page of The Wasted Onion, The Only News Source. We post the most important and trustworthy journalism that shines light in the dark halls of power and asks the tough questions. They say “Democracy Dies in Darkness,” we say “Hey, We’ll Totally Trade You This Democracy That’s Collecting Dust in Our Attic for a $100 Amazon Gift Card.”
The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Feel Good News: Donald Trump And Elon Musk Are Fighting And Calling Each Other Paedophiles
Rift Widens Between Elon Musk, Anyone Who Ever Met Him
https://theonion.com/rift-widens-between-elon-musk-anyone-who-ever-met-him/
By The Wasted Onion: Discord Announces Sending Messages Now A Nitro Exclusive Feature
SAN FRANCISCO, CA—Widening the features the instant messaging services premium subscription offering provides, Discord has announced that sending messages is now a Nitro exclusive feature. “We launched Discord over 10 years ago, since then we’ve seen our users grow what we built into something truly special for gamers everywhere. One of the key features from day one that has made this all possible is the ability to send messages. That’s why today, we’re excited to announce the latest feature exclusive to Nitro subscribers: messaging,” said the company in a blog post. “We’ve been toiling away at this for a long time, and now is the right moment. Wumpus also threatened us with a gun and held our families hostage, telling us that we must do this or see our lives go up in ashes.” At press time, local police had been dispatched to Discord Headquarters where a hostage situation was unfolding, after multiple hours of negotiation, Wumpus agreed to free the hostages if he was given the contact information for every “Discord kitten,” according to authorities.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @esben, thank you!
Study: Depression Most Common In Individuals Who Look In Mirror Smiling But Reflection Sad
Nintendo Warns Users Not To Remove Protective Foreskin From Switch 2
https://theonion.com/nintendo-warns-users-not-to-remove-protective-foreskin-from-switch-2/
Musk Weighs Return To Politics After 60th Death On ‘Elden Ring Nightreign’ Tutorial
By The Wasted Onion: Leak Claims NVIDIA To Include LSD With RTX 6060 To Help Users Hallucinate Frames
SANTA CLARA, CA—Spreading across the internet via social media and forums Monday, a leak reportedly claimed NVIDIA’s upcoming RTX 6060 graphics card would come packaged with LSD to allow users to hallucinate more frames. “The RTX 6060 is the most powerful graphics card to ever be created. It’s been engineered for performance from the ground up and is the cutting-edge in the field. Now with the newly included RTX LSD, you can alter your own senses to witness even smoother frame rates that were once thought impossible,” says internal marketing copy shared on the dark web by the leaker. “We pinkie promise we aren’t going to include LSD in any current or upcoming NVIDIA products. We’d instead use a cooler drug like crystal meth or something,” said a representative for the company to The Wasted Onion’s tech correspondent Hank Schrader. At press time, a further leak indicated that NVIDIA may also provide LSD to its AI customers so they could hallucinate “their AI products doing something actually goddamn useful,” according to the leaked documents.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!
ICYMI: Tariff-Strained Apple Announces 7,083-Piece iPhone Kit
https://theonion.com/tariff-strained-apple-announces-7083-piece-iphone-kit/
Pride Month 2025 Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Trump Wishes Nation Happy Pride Purge Month
ICYMI: 213 Killed In How Do You Pronounce That?
https://theonion.com/213-killed-in-how-do-you-pronounce-that/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Study: Exposure To Wasteof Posts About Coleslaw Linked To Lower Life Expectancy
Novelty Car Horn Playing ‘La Cucaracha’ Sends Stephen Miller Into Dissociative Fugue State
By The Wasted Onion: European Union Opens Investigation Into Apple For Removing Screen From Upcoming iPhone 17
BRUSSELS, BELGIUM—Standing before reporters outside the Berlaymont building regarding the blocs latest crackdown on what it sees as technological gatekeepers, a spokesperson for the European Union announced it has opened an investigation into U.S. tech giant Apple after it announced its upcoming iPhone 17 would not have a screen. “This latest iPhone is our best yet. It’s the culmination of everything we strive for at Apple; simplicity, accessibility, beauty. It’s truly magical. The reason to remove the display: courage. The courage to move on and do something new that betters all of us,” said CEO Tim Cook at a keynote debuting the device while waving his hands in vague grandiose gestures. “Do I really need to explain this? Of course we’re going to fucking look into fining these lunatics. If keyboards were removed from laptops we’d all agree that's stupid. Oh shit I think we just gave them another idea on what to remove next,” said the spokesperson outside the European Commission while looking visibly tired. Speaking to The Wasted Onion’s technology editor Clippy, a spokesperson for the company said that the EU was “standing in the way of enshittification - no crap I meant innovation,” before scurrying away and putting on an Apple Vision Pro to avoid further questions.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @mrowlsss, thank you!
Recession Forecasts Jump After Herds Of Panicked Economists Start Running Off Cliffs
By The Wasted Onion: Wasteof Users Declare War On Each Other Over Whether They Like Coleslaw Or Not
THE INTERNET—Finding themselves embroiled in verbal trench warfare and having to choose a side in an ever escalating online conflict, wasteof.money users declared war on each other Thursday over whether they like coleslaw or not. “I am formally declaring war against all you coleslaw enjoying motherfuckers, I am going to destroy you all. I swear that stuff is like if pencil shavings were drenched in mayonnaise. I’d rather eat a bowl of rusty nails,” said a post from user @thrat. “Uh oh, incorrect opinions are out on the offensive today, huh? Come on guys, coleslaw is peak! And if you disagree then you are my mortal enemy and I will ensure that you never find peace for the rest of your fucking miserable life, this is WAR,” declared noted coleslaw fan @han in another post. Both factions began taking more drastic measures, such as burning down restaurants that serve the side dish or consuming any they could find as more users were drafted into the ranks of the slaw haters or lovers, resulting in the tragic death of user @da-ta after being caught in the crossfire of a bowl of coleslaw being thrown between two ground troops of the lovers and haters tussling to either throw out or eat the coleslaw. At press time, the United Nations announced a peacekeeping mission to wasteof owner Jeffalo’s home to dismantle the Dell OptiPlex hosting the social media site to end the bloodshed.
