Welcome to the official page of The Wasted Onion, The Only News Source. We post the most important and trustworthy journalism that shines light in the dark halls of power and asks the tough questions. They say “Democracy Dies in Darkness,” we say “Hey, We’ll Totally Trade You This Democracy That’s Collecting Dust in Our Attic for a $100 Amazon Gift Card.”
Find more kick-ass journalism at our website: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/
The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
Sweaty Ass Print On Rowing Machine Already Fading Like All Of Our Earthly Works
By The Wasted Onion: Looksmaxxer Achieves Maximum Looks
KNOXVILLE, TN—Smugly looking down on other men that he now deemed as mere mortals in comparison to him, local looksmaxxer Ryan Clements told reporters Monday that he had finally achieved maximum looks.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/looksmaxxer-achieves-maximum-looks/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Israel Conducts Airstrikes On Eurovision Song Contest 2026 After Placing Second
From The Archives: Soaring Gas Prices Forcing More Americans To Drink Less Gas
https://theonion.com/soaring-gas-prices-forcing-more-americans-to-drink-less-gas/
ICYMI: ‘Sports Illustrated’ Removes Distracting Models From Swimsuit Edition
https://theonion.com/sports-illustrated-removes-distracting-models-from-swimsuit-edition/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Drake Drops 43 Albums At Once Comprised Of Single Song Each
Everyone In Conversation Under Different Impression As To Which Horrific News Being Discussed
By The Wasted Onion: Files Reveal Epstein Procured Victims By Hiding Golden Tickets To His Island In Chocolate Bars
WASHINGTON—Laying bare the depravity of the deceased and disgraced financier yet again, new files released by the Department of Justice Thursday revealed that convicted child sex offender and sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein procured victims by hiding golden tickets to his private island in chocolate bars.
Trump Unwittingly Breaks Chinese Taboo Against Napping Facedown In Soup Bowl
https://theonion.com/trump-unwittingly-breaks-chinese-taboo-against-napping-facedown-in-soup-bowl/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: New CAPTCHA Requires Users Send Ejaculate Sample To Prove They Human
CIA Under Fire For Arming Group Of Rowdy 7-Year-Olds
https://theonion.com/cia-under-fire-for-arming-group-of-rowdy-7-year-olds/
By The Wasted Onion: Starmer Promises MPs Will Get Free Taco Tuesdays If He Remains Prime Minister
LONDON—In an effort to regain the support of his party following heavy losses in local elections across the nation, British Prime Minister Sir Keir Starmer promised to institute "Taco Tuesdays" every week in the House of Commons for Labour MPs as long as they keep him as PM.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/starmer-promises-mps-will-get-free-taco-tuesdays-if-he-remains-prime-minister/
Gas Station Price Sign Using Scientific Notation
https://theonion.com/gas-station-price-sign-using-scientific-notation/
By The Wasted Onion: RFK Jr. Calls Dibs On Trump's Penis When He Dies
WASHINGTON—Making sure that he would not be beaten to the punch by other members of the Trump administration, Secretary of Health and Human Services RFK Jr. called dibs on President Trump's penis during a cabinet meeting.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/rfk-jr-calls-dibs-on-trumps-penis-when-he-dies/
