Welcome to the official page of The Wasted Onion, The Only News Source. We post the most important and trustworthy journalism that shines light in the dark halls of power and asks the tough questions. They say “Democracy Dies in Darkness,” we say “Hey, We’ll Totally Trade You This Democracy That’s Collecting Dust in Our Attic for a $100 Amazon Gift Card.”
Find more kick-ass journalism at our website: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/
The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
Shelter Dog Just Doesn’t Have That X Factor
https://theonion.com/shelter-dog-just-doesnt-have-that-x-factor/
By The Wasted Onion: EXCLUSIVE: The Wasted Onion Has Acquired Documents Part Of The TallPeter Files
THE INTERNET—Ever since the beginning of the Kiwi-Late Administration, the TallPeter files have been at the top of the public political discussion across wasteof, with citizens demanding their release since President Kiwi pledged to do so at the beginning of his term. Today The Wasted Onion can reveal it has obtained CIA documents that are part of the TallPeter files. The files, known by many as the TallPeter files, are a large trove of documents pertaining to the assassination of 2025 wasteof presidential candidate and tall as hell dude TallPeter, who was shot near one of The Wasted Onion’s over 1.5 trillion headquarters. According to information provided by @Leaks, the files are a collection of documents created by the previous Auriali-Perrin Administration and the current wasteof government that catalogue the initial investigation all the way up to the current administration's efforts to track down the suspect who fled the scene. The documents are believed to be reports, memorandums, evidence lists, dossiers, email correspondences and fun trivia cards about the history of the taco. The partially redacted documents acquired by The Wasted Onion from an anonymous source wearing a Guy Fawkes mask are six pages from a top secret CIA Special Inquiry which was written by the CIA as a summary for the president of the current situation regarding the agencies investigation into finding the suspect who killed TallPeter, with autopsy details, photo evidence as well as hypotheses about potential suspects, with wasteof users such as @Thrat, @Owl, @Mef, @Burrito and more being named as suspects. The pages also contain a photograph shared by the president online of a handwritten shopping list, proving their legitimacy and how goddamn good we are at our jobs. Due to the sensitivity of these documents, The Wasted Onion Editorial Board has decided to release them recklessly, saying in a statement that “you only live once!” The Wasted Onion has reached out to the Crack House for comment on why the fuck they put us as a suspect, but have yet to hear back.
Please go to the comments of this post to find all 6 pages of the documents in full.
Diplomatic Talks Break Down Between Trump, Motion-Activated Ghost Decoration
https://theonion.com/diplomatic-talks-break-down-between-trump-motion-activated-ghost-decoration/
Priceless Jewels Stolen From Louvre In Daytime Raid
https://theonion.com/priceless-jewels-stolen-from-louvre-in-daytime-raid/
Survey: 1 In 5 High Schoolers Knows Someone Who Has Had An AI Relationship
https://theonion.com/survey-1-in-5-high-schoolers-knows-someone-who-has-had-an-ai-relationship/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: ‘I Was Starting To Get Withdrawal Symptoms’ Says Netanyahu As Israel Strikes Southern Gaza Amid Ceasefire
From The Shovel: Gaza Peace Deal Ushers In New Era of Scrolling Past News About Middle East
ICYMI: Pete Hegseth Walks Fully Nude Around Newly Press-Free Pentagon
https://theonion.com/pete-hegseth-walks-fully-nude-around-newly-press-free-pentagon/
Zohran Mamdani Refuses To Share Plan For Making Rich Richer
https://theonion.com/zohran-mamdani-refuses-to-share-plan-for-making-rich-richer/
The Wasted Onion would like to inform readers that this post was shared yesterday on 17th October 2025. If you see a different date timestamped to this post, your eyes are deceiving you and we advise you get an eye test at your earliest convenience or inconvenience.
Grown Man Licking Ice Cream Cone Placed On Sex Offender Registry
https://theonion.com/grown-man-licking-ice-cream-cone-placed-on-sex-offender-registry/
By The Wasted Onion: Trump Pardons Florida Man
WASHINGTON—Remarking that it was "righteous" as he signed the executive order in the Oval Office Wednesday afternoon, U.S. President Donald Trump has pardoned a Florida man. “What this young man did was nothing more than a simple mistake, its only right that America recognises that this brilliant man be forgiven - it is ridiculous to suggest otherwise, something I’m sure the woke radical left will be mad at me for,” said the president after signing the executive order that pardoned 44-year-old Florida man Billy Butler, who was found guilty of assault after picking up an alligator at a golf course and proceeding to throw the 230kg reptile at a 2-year-old toddler, killing the child instantaneously. “The beautiful state of Florida has equally as beautiful people, that includes those like Billy Butt [sic] who throw alligators around at toddlers like we all do at the wonderful Walt Disney World Resort in Orlando.” Mr. Butler previously received a pardon during Trump’s first term after he built a comically large slingshot attached to the roof of his Toyota Prius which fired 10 piece bargain buckets from KFC at police during a high-speed chase that lasted 72 hours. At press time, Billy Butler thanked the president for pardoning him, proceeding to then rush out of his home and begin work building a tank out of peacock feathers and duct tape while dressed as YouTuber, streamer and fellow Florida resident MoistCr1TiKaL.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @kiwi, thank you!
Study Finds Voices Should Sound Normal Through Walkie-Talkies By Now
https://theonion.com/study-finds-voices-should-sound-normal-through-walkie-talkies-by-now/
By The Wasted Onion: Poopenfarten Is Your Digital Growth Partner In Los Angeles! 
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or get SEO support, Poopenfarten is here to help as your digital growth partner in Los Angeles! “Not just does Poopenfarten build websites , mobile apps and more 
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on their face as they had pleasant dreams 
about Poopenfarten’s 1,000,000+ clients who trust them 
, including Enron, Theranos and Wirecard. “But that’s not all! 
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” In a further fantastic evolution in their SEO strategy, Poopenfarten has begun offering new demographics to target 
, like users of obscure social media hobby projects with untapped userbases 
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Financial Advisors Recommend Throwing Away Unopened Bills
https://theonion.com/financial-advisors-recommend-throwing-away-unopened-bills/
