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The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
Ghoul Americans Celebrate Demonic Heritage Month
https://theonion.com/ghoul-americans-celebrate-demonic-heritage-month/
By The Wasted Onion: Fox News Anchor Claims Zohran Mamdani Will Rebuild Twin Towers To Do 9/11 Again If Elected
NEW YORK—Attacking the mayoral candidate in a blistering segment Monday, Fox News Anchor Jesse Watters claimed Zohran Mamdani would rebuild the original World Trade Center to then do 9/11 again if he is elected. “Not only is Mamdani a radical leftist, progressive and communist, he is severely dangerous. He’s already laid out plans to tear down the One World Trade Center and rebuild the original World Trade Center just so he can have Al-Qaeda do 9/11 all over again as some sort of sick and twisted punishment for us being American patriots,” said the presenter during an episode of Jesse Watters Primetime, in which the anchor also claimed Palestinians in Gaza were actually robots being controlled by the deep state and that feeling empathy is a sign of terminal wokeness. “He’s got it all laid out, he’s even got all the remaining emergency workers who responded to the original 9/11 attack on speed dial so he can call them to go into the new one he’s gonna set in motion. A vote for Zohran Mamdani is a vote for a communist leftist marxist transgender socialist dictatorship and woke 9/11.” Reacting to the segment after airing, a senior strategist for the Democrats agreed with Watters, stating that “it is simply preposterous that Democrats should be able to win anything ever, we are the party of shooting ourselves in the foot - Zohran Mamdani is a threat to this. I didn’t watch the segment, but it's probably true. Anyway, time for us to return to shooting ourselves in the foot.” At press time, Watters doubled down on his claim, going on to state that if elected, Mamdani would force the federal government to once again refuse to pay for healthcare and benefits for first responders after responding to the 9/11 recreation.
The Wasted Onion Magazine: Crappy End Of The Stall: How Bathroom Companies Invented Gender To Sell More Bathrooms
ICYMI: White House Doctor: Trump Has Far More Bones Than Any Prior President
https://theonion.com/white-house-doctor-trump-has-far-more-bones-than-any-prior-president/
ICYMI: Jeffrey Epstein: Bad Pedophile
Unlike anything you’ve already seen about Jeffrey Epstein, this documentary uncovers the truth behind one of America’s most notorious perverts. This is Jeffrey Epstein: Bad Pedophile.
https://theonion.com/the-onion-investigates-jeffrey-epstein/
ICE Boasts Zero Murders Committed By 5-Year-Olds Since Child Detainments Began
https://theonion.com/ice-boasts-zero-murders-committed-by-5-year-olds-since-child-detainments-began/
By The Wasted Onion: ‘The Wasteof.money Movie’ Unveiled With Blaze Direct-To-Streaming Series In Development
THE INTERNET—Jubilantly revealing details about the new greenlit theatrical project Friday, wasteof.money owner Jeffalo has announced “The Wasteof.money Movie” as the first instalment in a new obscure social media platform cinematic universe, with a direct-to-streaming series about Blaze currently in development. “I am excited to announce that the first instalment in the obscure social media platform cinematic universe, The Wasteof.money Movie, is now officially happening! I can’t tell you just how special this moment is for this platform, to have our very own blockbuster movie about this site is just the most wonderful way to waste a shit ton of money. And we aren’t stopping there! We’re also wasting more money by currently developing a direct-to-streaming series all about Blaze, from disaster to death!” read a post made by the wasteof owner to his account, sharing cast details with Chris Pratt playing Jeffalo, Adam Sandler as wasteof President Kiwi, Jack Black as Vice President Late and Restaurant Brands International CEO Joshua Kobza, who owns Tim Hortons, as ILoveTimHortons. “We have some awesome stuff coming up, not just do we have this wasteof movie on the way and the Blaze TV show in development, we also have other ideas for the cinematic universe, such as a spinoff movie for the wasteof movies villain postLit, as well as a short for Darflen. If we get enough profit we could probably also squeeze in a Meower movie too, maybe set it back in Victorian times." Alongside the announcement, streaming service FlopoRodoGoLo+ Pro HBO Max Mini Air said it would be exclusively streaming the upcoming wasteof movie and in development Blaze TV series. At press time, Jeffalo announced that Rich Lee, director of the 2025 adaptation of “War of the Worlds” for Amazon Prime was set to direct the wasteof movie.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @kiwi, thank you!
Israel Agrees To Go Back To Killing Palestinians On Less Frequent Basis
https://theonion.com/israel-agrees-to-go-back-to-killing-palestinians-on-less-frequent-basis/
MacArthur ‘Genius Grant’ Awarded To Inventor Of Eatin’ Shirt
https://theonion.com/macarthur-genius-grant-awarded-to-inventor-of-eatin-shirt/
By The Wasted Onion: Autism CEO Making Killing Off Of Selling Tylenol Right Now
WICHITA, KS—Excitedly announcing the huge spike in revenue over the last month, the anonymous CEO of autism has said they are making a killing selling Tylenol right now. “I cannot tell you how much money we here at autism are making selling Tylenol at record levels. Ever since President Trump and RFK Jr. said there is a supposed link between the painkiller and autism, we have been making absolute bank handing out these lil caplets out like its trick or treat!” said the CEO while shrouded in darkness in a video posted online. “Our cash cow used to be selling MMR vaccines since there are so many morons who seem to think those caused autism, but Tylenol has really taken off, so many people are gonna think they’re gonna get some ‘quirky’ form of autism that everyone romanticises on social media, but in reality, they’re getting nothing but Tylenol. Get fucked, idiot!” In reaction, the White House and Department of Health and Human Services in a joint statement said they were “deadly serious” when it claimed Tylenol was linked to autism, claiming that “the worms told us, the worms are always correct. ALL HAIL THE WORMS!” At press time, the CEO of measles was seen reportedly pumping their fist in the air after learning that cases of the disease have reached record highs in the United States.
Slipknot Travels To India To Begin Psychedelic, Free-Love Phase Of Career
https://theonion.com/slipknot-travels-to-india-to-begin-psychedelic-free-love-phase-of-career/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Study: Not Saying The Wasted Onion Is Your Favourite Wasteof User On Jeffalo's Post Rises Chances Of Explosive Diarrhoea By 87%
Travis Kelce Gets Cold Feet After Listening To New Taylor Swift Album
https://theonion.com/travis-kelce-gets-cold-feet-after-listening-to-new-taylor-swift-album/
By The Wasted Onion: Trump Throws Tantrum Online After Visiting Holiday Inn Express Where Room Didn’t Include So Much As A Mint On Pillow
WASHINGTON—Furiously typing on his smartphone after his experience at the hotel chain, U.S. President Donald Trump threw a tantrum online after visiting the Holiday Inn Express Washington DC Downtown where his room didn’t even include so much as a mint on his pillow. “A REAL DISGRACE took place at the Holiday Inn Express Washington DC Downtown that I visited today - The FRAUDS at the Weak and failing IHG couldn’t even be BOTHERED to put a single MINT ON THE PILLOWS! The losers running this sorry Hotel are likely part of the TERRORIST Group ANTIFA! Along with Sleepy Joe and Woke Radical Left lunatics, they have WAGED WAR on putting MINTS ON PILLOWS in the Name of Evil DEI Programs!! America DESERVES the right to walk into a hotel Room and find a MINT on their PILLOWS! Thank you for your attention to this matter. President DJT,” said the first of 148 Truth Social posts about the Holiday Inn location. “Starting immediately, we will begin the process to PROSECUTE the Owners of IHG for the SINISTER AND WOKE REMOVAL OF MINTS ON PILLOWS! Americans deserve to have a Mint on their pillows when they visit a Hotel. We will Eliminate this WOKE AGENDA BY THE SLEEPY RADICAL ANTIFA LEFT LUNATICS! Thank you for your attention on this matter. MAKE HOTEL PILLOWS MINT AGAIN! MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN! President DJT,” said the 148th post made to the president's Truth social account. In response, a spokesperson for IHG Hotels & Resorts said that the reason mints were not left on pillows anymore was due to tariffs that made the cost of mints 1000% more expensive due to the president's tariffs, explaining that the company would “go goddamn bankrupt” if it were to continue the practice. At press time, Democrats claimed that Trump's threats of prosecution against IHG upper management were “un-American,” but that they were not willing to do anything to help curb the attacks, with Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-NY) saying that Holiday Inn hotels “are complete shit,” before remarking he will “just let Donald do what he’s gonna do.”
This stories headline was written and suggested by @kiwi, thank you!
ICYMI: Inside Of Light Fixture Everything Moth Dreamed And More
https://theonion.com/inside-of-light-fixture-everything-moth-dreamed-and-more/
