Welcome to the official page of The Wasted Onion, The Only News Source. We post the most important and trustworthy journalism that shines light in the dark halls of power and asks the tough questions. They say “Democracy Dies in Darkness”, we say “Hey, We’ll Totally Trade You This Democracy That’s Collecting Dust in Our Attic for a $100 Amazon Gift Card”.
The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
Elon Musk Begins Cabinet Meeting By Putting Index Finger Through Fly Of Pants
https://theonion.com/elon-musk-begins-cabinet-meeting-by-putting-index-finger-through-fly-of-pants/
Pete Hegseth Deploys 3,000 U.S. Troops On Beer Run
https://theonion.com/pete-hegseth-deploys-3000-u-s-troops-on-beer-run/
97th Academy Awards Special Report: ‘The Substance’ Snags Oscar For Best Goo
https://theonion.com/the-substance-snags-oscar-for-best-goo/
ICYMI: Democratic Leaders Stand Real Still In Hopes No One Notices Them
https://theonion.com/democratic-leaders-stand-real-still-in-hopes-no-one-notices-them/
From The Archives: U.S. Approves Billions To Fund Struggling Russian Military
https://theonion.com/u-s-approves-billions-to-fund-struggling-russian-milit-1849546044/
Special Report Via NewsThump: ‘Take my friend Vladimir’s name out of your f***ing mouth’ screams Trump as he slaps Zelensky
Andrew Tate Grabs Some Romanians From Airport Gift Shop
https://theonion.com/andrew-tate-grabs-some-romanians-from-airport-gift-shop/
RFK Jr. Vows To Make Measles Deaths So Common They Won’t Be Upsetting Anymore
https://theonion.com/rfk-jr-vows-to-make-measles-deaths-so-common-they-wont-be-upsetting-anymore/
Rest Of Party Thanks Fucking God 2 Guys Who Like Etymology Found Each Other
https://theonion.com/rest-of-party-thanks-fucking-god-2-guys-who-like-etymology-found-each-other/
Elon Musk Holds Office-Wide Contest To Guess How Many Sperm In Cup
https://theonion.com/elon-musk-holds-office-wide-contest-to-guess-how-many-sperm-in-cup/
From The Archives: Zelensky Challenges Putin To Settle Ukraine War On The Dance Floor
https://theonion.com/zelensky-challenges-putin-to-settle-ukraine-war-on-the-1851285767/
ICYMI: It Almost Weirder That Grown Man On Roblox Isn’t Grooming Children
https://theonion.com/it-almost-weirder-that-grown-man-on-roblox-isnt-grooming-children/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Jeffalo Backports “Delete Users Account” Feature To Wasteof2
By The Wasted Onion: New Wasteof4 Feature Allows Users To Delete Accounts They Don’t Like
THE INTERNET—In a move that has already sent shockwaves through the community, wasteof.money owner Jeffalo has introduced a new wasteof4 feature that allows users to delete accounts they don’t like. “Since you guys can’t ever seem to get along, I’ve decided to arm you all with the ability to delete anyone else’s account at any time for any reason you see fit,” said Jeffalo in a post early Monday afternoon, claiming that giving users this ability would prevent future moderation issues. “Just think about it, if you guys can essentially nuke each other at any time, you’ll be in a perpetual state of paralysing anxiety that’ll make you unable to voice your thoughts on anything for fear of being deleted by someone, moderation solved!” At press time, @da-ta has become the first user to be deleted using the feature, user @Auriali in a statement to The Wasted Onion said that she was the one to delete the da-ta account because he was “nowhere near as cool” as her.
Trump Unable To Focus In Meeting As Pressure Of Booking Kennedy Center Summer Jazz Series Looms
