Welcome to the official page of The Wasted Onion, The Only News Source. We post the most important and trustworthy journalism that shines light in the dark halls of power and asks the tough questions. They say “Democracy Dies in Darkness,” we say “Hey, We’ll Totally Trade You This Democracy That’s Collecting Dust in Our Attic for a $100 Amazon Gift Card.”
The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
By The Wasted Onion: International Court Of Justice Rules Palestinians Might Not Deserve Genocide
THE HAGUE—Issuing the ruling which has already been seen as a historic moment in international justice, the International Court of Justice has ruled that Palestinians might not deserve to be the victims of genocide. “This court is of the view that the ongoing incessant bombing of Palestinians in Gaza by Israel might not be a totally chill thing to do,” said ICJ president Yuji Iwasawa while reading out the ruling to the courtroom. “It doesn’t matter who your target is, a rival nation’s population, immigrant communities, your own people. This court’s moral and legal principles compel us to firmly tell Israel and the world that it is usually but not always illegal to commit genocide and that Palestinians are no less deserving of the same human rights afforded to us all, probably.” The ICJ’s ruling went on to order that Israel could possibly stop killing so many Palestinians if it finds the time in its lengthy schedule but stressed that it understands those in the Israeli government are busy people and might not have time to consider it for a while. At press time, reports suggested that the ICJ was considering a ruling in which it would declare that the occupation of the West Bank by Israel maybe isn’t that super awesome.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!
Elon Musk Creates Federal Employee Revenge Porn Database
https://theonion.com/elon-musk-creates-federal-employee-revenge-porn-database-2/
Trump’s Support Surges After He Points Gun At Nation
https://theonion.com/trumps-support-surges-after-he-points-gun-at-nation/
By The Wasted Onion: White House Marks First 100,000,000 Days Of Trump's Second Term
WASHINGTON—Declaring the milestone as “the most powerful start,” to any U.S. presidential term, Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt recapped the first 100,000,000 days of President Trump’s second term. “In a mere 100 million days, our commander-in-chief has already ushered in a new golden age of American excellence not seen at any time in history,” said Mrs. Leavitt during a press briefing in the West Wing. “Not just has he shown strong leadership, he has also demonstrated his tenacity. Directing the CDC to develop a magnificent serum that has allowed this administration to live far beyond the normal human lifespan, and all we had to do was increase the birthrate enough so that we have enough young blood to keep us perpetually youthful.” Leavitt went on to say that Trump would work tirelessly for the rest of his 1,095,162-year term until election day in 1,097,187. At press time, a shortage of young blood, caused due to malfunctions of fridges at the CDC had resulted in Mrs. Leavitt ageing 273,790 years instantaneously, resulting in her shrivelling up into a “raisin like,” state according to members of the media present at the press briefing.
ICE Agents Wait At Edge Of Delivery Table To Deport Newborn
https://theonion.com/ice-agents-wait-at-edge-of-delivery-table-to-deport-newborn/
ICYMI: RFK Jr. Starts National Registry Of Introverts Who Sometimes Get Social Anxiety
https://theonion.com/rfk-jr-starts-national-registry-of-introverts-who-sometimes-get-social-anxiety/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Wasteof Alpha Implements New ‘Hire Hitman On User’ Feature
ICYMI: Cardinal Who Spent Easter Dinner Telling Pope To Ease Off The Butter Feeling Pretty Vindicated
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Republican Wasteof Fan Account Posts ‘That's My President!’ With Picture Of Trump Punching Sick Child's Face In Oval Office
Prison Guards Burn Another Pile Of Used Underwear Sent To Luigi Mangione
https://theonion.com/prison-guards-burn-another-pile-of-used-underwear-sent-to-luigi-mangione/
Drake Catches Himself Singing ‘Not Like Us’ In The Shower
https://theonion.com/drake-catches-himself-singing-not-like-us-in-the-shower/
By The Wasted Onion: Blaze Announces Smartphone Powered By Potatoes
SILICON VALLEY—Standing before reporters and hailing the new device as “the next big thing in the mobile phone space,” Blaze owner KyleTech announced the company’s debut smartphone powered by potatoes. “After revolutionizing the social media space, I pondered where the flame of social media should go next. Then, in a vision, I realised our next move, smartphones! Not just any smartphone, no, a smartphone powered by the humble potato. Behold, the BlazePhone 1,” said KyleTech at a keynote outside a McDonald’s parking lot surrounded by reporters snapping pictures of the device in his hand while a potato dangled below connected to the device via a charging cable. “Now, I know what many of you will be thinking; why would we develop a smartphone that requires a potato to function? Well, it’s simple really, because it’s just more convenient, no more pesky power bricks, just good ol’ fashioned spuds!” The Blaze owner continued, explaining that by powering the device with potatoes would mean that users could cook a delicious jacket potato with whipped feta and sumac after they were finished using the device for the day. At press time, the BlazePhone had been added to the Blaze eStore, but according to reports the storefront had gone offline with a message claiming that the site was down due to web development platform Wix experiencing server issues due to a lack of lemons needed to power the company’s data centres.
RFK Jr. Flushes Nation’s Antidepressants
https://theonion.com/rfk-jr-flushes-nations-antidepressants/
Trump Announces Seal Team 6 Killed U.S. Protester In Daring Overnight Raid
https://theonion.com/trump-announces-seal-team-6-killed-u-s-protester-in-daring-overnight-raid-2/
By The Wasted Onion: Remembering Pope Francis: The First Pope To Like Pineapple On Pizza
VATICAN CITY—Pope Francis’s papacy brought many achievements and firsts in the Catholic Church, such as being the first Latin American pontiff and first non-European to hold the papacy since 741, but many will remember him as the first Pope to like pineapple on pizza. “I fondly remember how during my first meeting with him, he brought out his Popephone and ordered a pizza with extra pineapple,” said cardinal Giuseppe Marino in an interview with The Wasted Onion. “It was one of his many loves during his life, he would tell me stories about how his parents would take him to their local Pizza Hut for his birthdays and treat him to a Hawaiian Sizzler.” Cardinal Marino went on to speak about how the first Argentinian pope would regularly order the ham and pineapple pizza with a side of potato wedges, cookies, and a bottle of Coca-Cola Zero Sugar from the local Domino’s. At press time, reports suggested JD Vance, who was one of the last people to meet the late pope, had brought a cheeseburger pizza from Papa Johns as a gift, which Pope Francis reportedly rejected, saying “this is the greatest sin I’ve ever had the displeasure of witnessing in my 12 years of papacy,” before Vance was escorted out.
