Welcome to the official page of The Wasted Onion, The Only News Source. We post the most important and trustworthy journalism that shines light in the dark halls of power and asks the tough questions. They say “Democracy Dies in Darkness,” we say “Hey, We’ll Totally Trade You This Democracy That’s Collecting Dust in Our Attic for a $100 Amazon Gift Card.”
Find more kick-ass journalism at our website: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/
The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Identity Of Wasteof User @ILoveTimHortons Found To Be Sentient Tim Hortons Franchise
By The Wasted Onion: President Kiwi Urges Public Not To Delete Their Old Abandoned Minecraft Xbox 360 Edition Worlds, Cites Personal Experience
THE INTERNET—Pleading with the public in a pre-recorded statement from the Crack House, wasteof President Kiwi urged the public not to delete their old Minecraft Xbox 360 worlds, citing his own personal experience as a reason for issuing the statement. “My fellow citizens, I am speaking to you from the Crack House to urge you to not delete your abandoned Minecraft Xbox 360 Edition worlds. Washing your old worlds to the sands of time is one of the most painful experiences one can experience, one that never truly leaves you. You may think it’s not a big deal, but trust me when I say this; it is. I myself have done this very act out of pure arrogance, thinking that losing my old world on my Xbox 360 would mean nothing to me, but in reality, I was a changed man after I did the unthinkable,” said the president as tears fell down his face. “I honestly never wanted to talk about this, about the pain of losing all of my old Minecraft worlds on my Xbox 360, my youth, gone within a blink of an eye out of my own stupidity, I will never get back what I lost. Trust me, I begged Mojang for years to give me them back, but alas, there was no way to get them back, now I must live with the trauma of never seeing Mr. Fluffy Butt again.” After completing his remarks, the video continued for another 2 minutes, with the president mourning the loss of Mr. Fluffy Butt, his dog that he tamed in one of his many now deleted Minecraft worlds. At press time, Minecraft developers Mojang sent a letter of apology to President Kiwi, with reports that the letter read “who the fuck are you and what the hell is wasteof?”
This stories headline was written and suggested by @kiwi, thank you!
ICYMI: Trump: ‘Another Thing Epstein And I Never Did Is Play Nude Charades’
https://theonion.com/trump-another-thing-epstein-and-i-never-did-is-play-nude-charades/
By The Wasted Onion: Apple Acquires Blaze At Bankruptcy Auction
CUPERTINO, CA—Saving the website from an imminent demise, tech giant Apple has acquired social media platform Blaze at a bankruptcy auction Friday. “Today Apple has purchased Blaze from a bankruptcy option. This acquisition does not just save Blaze, but begins a new journey as part of the Apple family. Work on integrating Blaze into Apple’s ecosystem of products will begin shortly, with plans to create new subscription offerings, as well as a relaunch of the platform in a state that is actually fucking functional and not just running off of Wix of all damn things,” said a press release posted to the companies website. “We are very excited to work with the talented team at Blaze as we onboard them into the Apple workforce, all one of them. We also will work closely with Blaze to ensure that the relaunched platform continues to be a haven for siphoning user information at an alarming rate.” The iPhone maker also announced further details about its plans to assimilate Blaze into its operations, such as renaming the newly acquired platform as iBlaze SE Air Mini Pro Max XR Touch Shuffle Nano Lite XL & Knuckles 2: Electric Blazealoo, with leaks online suggesting that premium subscriptions to the platform could start at $7,999 per month. At press time, further rumours started circulating that every new user that signed up to the relaunched social media site would get a free copy of KyleTech’s album “-0²” for free without the ability to uninstall it.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @kiwi, thank you!
The Cost Of This Wedding Is Making Me Matri-moan-y!
https://theonion.com/the-cost-of-this-wedding-is-making-me-matri-moan-y/
By The Wasted Onion: Remembering Blaze: A Website That Used Wasteof More Than Its Own
THE INTERNET—Throughout its troubled and divisive time online, social media platform Blaze did bring the internet together in agreement on one aspect of its existence; that it used competing social media site wasteof far more than its own. “It’s honestly quite odd how Blaze seemed to use wasteof at higher frequency and was likely more well known on that platform rather than its own site that it was supposedly promoting,” said renowned technology journalist Michael Soft after receiving a check for £23 from The Wasted Onion’s parent company. “There were some achievements that Blaze can be proud of, such as defeating the UK’s Online Safety Act by not implementing ID checks, which as we all know famously caused the UK government to instantly collapse and the House of Commons to disintegrate while the Online Safety Act evaporated. All because Blaze was brave enough to fight 10 Downing Street like a hardened soldier battling valiantly in the trenches like how they do in movies." Mr. Soft went on to explain that while Blaze did achieve such a monumental feat, it was still inexplicably using wasteof more than its own site, hypothesising that “maybe they didn’t endorse Trump hard enough.” At press time, Israeli web development platform Wix announced it would be filing for bankruptcy, explaining in a statement that it lost significant revenue after Blaze announced its plans to shutter operations.
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Pete Hegseth: ‘All Soldiers Must Be Submissive And Breedable’
Trump Asks JD Vance To Research Whether President Allowed To Kill Vice President
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: BREAKING: Some Motherfucker Just Unfollowed Us On Wasteof And We're Pissed
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Trump To Try Turning Government Off And Back On Again
This special report was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!
Physical Media Collector Pumped For Downfall Of Humanity
https://theonion.com/physical-media-collector-pumped-for-downfall-of-humanity/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Blaze To Leak Your Personal Information During Bankruptcy Shutdown
By The Wasted Onion: White House Backs Plans To Install Margaret Thatcher As Leader Of Gaza
WASHINGTON—Sharing details of a meeting with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu Tuesday, the White House has backed a peace plan in which former British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher would be installed as leader of Gaza. ”Today me and Bibi are putting forth a big, beautiful plan that will end the death and destruction we have seen over the last 2 or so years in Gaza, it's a fair and powerful 20 point deal. To ensure the success of this effort, my plan calls for a new international oversight body, the Board of Peace, which will be headed, at my request, by a famously dead lady known as Margaret Thatcher of the United Kingdom, who will lead New Gaza as its leader from the grave,” said Trump at a press conference with Netanyahu standing beside him while shedding a singular tear. “I support your plan to end the war in Gaza, which achieves our war aims. Hamas will be disarmed. Gaza will be demilitarised. Israel will retain security responsibility, including a security perimeter, for the foreseeable future. And lastly, Gaza will have a peaceful, civilian administration that is run by the dead bitch that is Margaret Thatcher,” said Netanyahu in praise of the president's potential peace plan. Speaking through a ouija board, Thatcher thanked Trump and Netanyahu for the opportunity to bring peace and misery to the people of Gaza that is so depressing that they will be “begging to just get bombed everyday again.” At press time, the IDF confirmed that missiles used to conduct an airstrike soon after the press conference killing 45 people in Gaza had “iron lady” inscribed on it.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!
Indiana Offers Tax Breaks To Attract Religious Doomsday Cults
https://theonion.com/indiana-offers-tax-breaks-to-attract-religious-doomsday-cults/
