Welcome to the official page of The Wasted Onion, The Only News Source. We post the most important and trustworthy journalism that shines light in the dark halls of power and asks the tough questions. They say “Democracy Dies in Darkness,” we say “Hey, We’ll Totally Trade You This Democracy That’s Collecting Dust in Our Attic for a $100 Amazon Gift Card.”
The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
By The Wasted Onion: Taliban Replaces Popping Candy With Painted, Saliva Activated Microbombs
KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Causing mass panic and confusion as reports of explosions began pouring out of the country to the world, sources indicate the Taliban had replaced popping candy with painted, saliva activated microbombs. “It is honestly quite a cunning move, to replace the irresistible mouth feel of popping candy with the strategic and instantly activated microbomb that would terminate the target instantaneously. What’s worse is that it doesn’t even taste nice,” said Jarvis Gledhill, a military strategist who spoke to The Wasted Onion after being kidnapped, driven to an unknown location in a white van, and tied to a chair. “Not just that, but the technology to do this is quite complex, while we know the Taliban won’t do much good with such a weapon, it would be fascinating to understand how they develop such weaponry. What was that? You got some here? You’ll let me try it? Wait, wait no, stop, please no! Have mercy!” Mr. Gledhill was eviscerated moments after his saliva made contact with the microbombs. Following the test, The Wasted Onion’s science correspondent Adam Savage surveyed the damage alongside a film crew to produce an episode for an upcoming reboot of Mythbusters.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @mrowlsss, thank you!
Netanyahu Calls Iran Strikes Necessary To Prevent War He Just Started
https://theonion.com/netanyahu-calls-iran-strikes-necessary-to-prevent-war-he-just-started/
By The Wasted Onion: Trump Renames ‘Los Angeles’ To ‘The Angels’
WASHINGTON—Speaking in the Oval Office Thursday following further protests around the country against his administration's controversial immigration raids, President Donald Trump signed an executive order renaming Los Angeles to The Angels, the English translation of the city's Spanish name. “We are making The Angels great again, because they haven’t been as of late. These illegal alien thugs have been running rampant on the streets for far too long, they even hijacked our American cities with some sort of other language, we’re gonna fix that. I mean, who doesn’t like angels? I like angels, I also like Charlie’s Angels,” said the President after signing the executive order. “The Democrats would never do this, never, no. They’re too busy getting the courts to stop us from deporting these evil illegals from our beautiful nation, destroying our perfect English language with weird un-American ones, and trashing good movies like Charlie’s Angels.” Trump continued, saying that the 45% critic rating for Charlie’s Angels on Rotten Tomatoes was because of the “woke mind virus.” At press time, sources close to the President claimed that other options suggested for the Californian city included “Los Santos,” the fictional city in the video game Grand Theft Auto 5, which was regarded by the President as “badass” according to reports.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Wasted Onion CEO: ‘Are We Not Important Enough To Get Spam Mentions On Wasteof?’
ICE Vows To Restore Order Using Whatever Force Unnecessary
https://theonion.com/ice-vows-to-restore-order-using-whatever-force-unnecessary/
Dissolving Fillers Leave Face Completely Concave
https://theonion.com/dissolving-fillers-leave-face-completely-concave/
By The Wasted Onion: The Wasted Onion Announces Newspaper That Will Be Available Everywhere Except Exactly Where You Live
ST. ANDREWS, SCOTLAND—Celebrating the achievement of reaching two hundred posts on its wasteof account, The Wasted Onion has announced a newspaper that will be available around the globe except for your exact geographical location. “As we stand here celebrating the momentous milestone of 200 posts to our wasteof account, which has garnered a combined count of over 7.8 trillion views, we are also excited to announce our latest offering, The Wasted Onion newspaper. Yes, paper, something you can hold in your sweaty peasant hands; starting tomorrow. Except for you, dear reader, you will unfortunately be unable to find our newspaper wherever you are located,” said CEO Clef Bozos outside the news organisation's ebola chocolate factory. “Our inability to provide the newspaper to your location is due to a myriad of reasons, such as delivery complications to local stores around your geographical area, to the fact that we found out you haven’t likely ever read a newspaper in your goddamn life, and also because you just give us creepy vibes and we’re scared of what you’d do with our paper.” At press time, Mr. Bozos assured that The Wasted Onion would make up for its inability to provide its newspaper to your specific location by continuing its onslaught of posting the harsh light of truth to its wasteof profile, no matter how much you beg for it to stop.
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Wasteof Alpha To Get ‘Liquid Glass’ Redesign
ICE Releases Gavin Newsom Beheading Video
https://theonion.com/ice-releases-gavin-newsom-beheading-video/
Protesters Urged Not To Give Trump Administration Pretext For What It Already Doing
ICYMI: IRS Allows Taxpayers To Deposit Payments Directly Into Elon Musk’s Bank Account
https://theonion.com/irs-allows-taxpayers-to-deposit-payments-directly-into-elon-musks-bank-account/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Update: Trump Buys X/Twitter In Retaliation, Renames It Apartheid Social
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Elon Musk Buys Truth Social, Renames It Jeffery Epstein Fan Club
ICYMI: MAGA Voter Assumed Trump Would Only Deport People On List She Mailed To White House
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Elon Musk Buys Truth Social, Renames It Jeffery Epstein Fan Club
Trump Escalates Musk Feud By Nuking Mars
https://theonion.com/trump-escalates-musk-feud-by-nuking-mars/
