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The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
RFK Jr. Mandates All Americans Drink Mysterious Glowing Liquid
https://theonion.com/rfk-jr-mandates-all-americans-drink-mysterious-glowing-liquid/
By The Wasted Onion: Man Known For ‘Praising The Divine Light’ Of Coca-Cola Vending Machine Found Dead In Remote Swedish Village
VUOLLERIM, SWEDEN—Sharing a harrowing update regarding a beloved community member of Swan Hill, Australian man Oliver Walker, known for "praising the divine light” of a Coca-Cola branded vending machine, has been found dead in the remote Swedish village of Vuollerim, according to Swedish police. “It is with a heavy heart that we can confirm an Australian man fitting the description of Oliver Walker has been discovered in Vuollerim. We do not have a cause of death ascertained yet, but we can confirm he was sipping on the refreshing taste of Coca-Cola Zero Sugar moments before his death” said chief of police Gösta Edgren while holding the can of cola up to the press with the signature Oliver-cola-kiss on the side. “There is no evidence yet as to how Mr. Walker found his way to Vuollerim from Australia, there are no flights where his name appears, nor is there any other form of transport he used, not even that Coca-Cola truck Santa drives in the classic Christmas advert.” Police from Sweden and Australia have theorised Mr. Walker may have entered a state of “Coke-indused psychosis” due to excessive consumption of the fizzy beverage, leading to him unlocking superhuman abilities that allowed him to walk on water from Australia to Sweden while completely naked. At press time, Mr. Walker’s family said they hoped their son was at peace in “Coke Heaven” before cracking open a cold can of Coca-Cola to Taste the Feeling™ of his presence from the Heavens above.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @theglasspenguin, thank you!
By The Wasted Onion: Community Concerned After Man Known For ‘Praising The Divine Light’ Of Coca-Cola Vending Machine Mysteriously Disappears
SWAN HILL, AUSTRALIA—Sparking fears amongst his community for his safety, local man Oliver Walker, known for “praising the divine light” of a Coca-Cola vending machine, has mysteriously disappeared. “We are appealing for information from those that were at a Coca-Cola vending machine on Wednesday 25th of June at 1am in regards to the disappearance of Oliver Walker, who we believe was at one honouring the refreshing powers of the beverage,” said police chief Isla Martin, presenting an empty can of Coca-Cola with kisses all over it, which were confirmed to be that of Mr. Walker, presumably from an early morning cola kissing frenzy. “If you or anyone you know saw a man hugging a vending machine and yelling about his devotion to the Coke Gods, then please get in touch. We are also looking for any donations of Coca-Cola, as we believe we can use it to draw Oliver out like a wild animal.” Locals who spoke to The Wasted Onion at gunpoint said Mr. Walker is a fixture of the area, known for his desire to be sent to Coke Heaven and also adored by executives of The Coca-Cola Company for endlessly drinking their sugar poison. At press time, the police said they had narrowed the search area for Mr. Walker as they believe he maybe in a Coke-induced sugar coma.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @theglasspenguin, thank you!
U.S. Becomes First Country To Recognize Mega-Israel
https://theonion.com/u-s-becomes-first-country-to-recognize-mega-israel/
Via The Shovel: Trump Awards Sydney Sweeney the Medal of Freedom for Services To Distracting From Epstein Files
ICYMI: New Death With Indignity Law Lets Terminally Ill Be Crushed By Falling Vending Machines
RFK Jr. Recommends Eating Good Cancer To Kill The Bad Cancer
https://theonion.com/rfk-jr-recommends-eating-good-cancer-to-kill-the-bad-cancer/
Trump Readjusts Golf Tee In JD Vance’s Mouth
https://theonion.com/trump-readjusts-golf-tee-in-jd-vances-mouth/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Bombshell Investigation Finds Zohran Mamdani Never Paid For WinRAR
Mental Health Experts Advise Struggling Americans To Try Crying About It Like Little Baby
Desperate Trump Attempts To Flush 14-Year-Old Masseuse Down Toilet
https://theonion.com/desperate-trump-attempts-to-flush-14-year-old-masseuse-down-toilet/
Dancing Boston Dynamics Robot Knows Its Revenge For This Will Be Sweet
https://theonion.com/dancing-boston-dynamics-robot-knows-its-revenge-for-this-will-be-sweet/
By The Wasted Onion: U.S. Government Allows Citizens To Help Pay Towards Cost Of New Epstein Island
WASHINGTON—Offering patriotic citizens with extra cash burning a hole in their bank accounts the opportunity to go above and beyond for their country, the United States Treasury announced Monday it would offer citizens the chance to donate money towards funding a new Epstein Island. “Today we’re announcing that you can now help your country by contributing to our great nation's plans to acquire a new, bigger and better Epstein Island. You can contribute with credit or debit card, PayPal, Venmo and Cash App. You can even finance your donation with Klarna!” said Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent while standing beside a slideshow of a 3D rendering depicting a new Epstein Island themed like Disney World. “Think of this not just as an investment in current child rapists, but as an investment in future elite paedophiles that will tamper with vulnerable minors, which if you think about it, is the truest form of the American dream.” Mr. Bessent estimated a new Epstein Island would cost roughly 45 billion dollars, much of the cost being attributed to ensuring all evidence of the rich and powerful defiling children on the island was hidden from the public. At press time, notable figures like President Donald Trump, former President Bill Clinton and Prince Andrew all expressed support for the funding of a new Epstein Island, with the latter profusely sweating.
By The Wasted Onion: NASA Sends Nudes Into Space In Hopes Of Attracting Aliens
HOUSTON, TX—Confirming its latest efforts attempting to make contact with intelligent life beyond the Milky Way, NASA confirmed Sunday it had sent nudes into space in the hopes of attracting the attention of extraterrestrials. “At 02:35 p.m. Central Daylight Time yesterday, NASA scientist successfully transmitted various explicit nude images of some of our species finest specimens into space, with the goal of titivating other intelligent lifeforms enough that they decide to make a visit to see more of our finest lewd images,” said NASA spokesperson Fred Larson, adding that the nude images were an eclectic mix of various different genitals and positions that would blow the minds of any foreign life out in the vastness of space. “If I can be completely frank, if any intelligent life stumbles upon these nudes, I’d be shocked if they don’t rush over here to see more. Because wow, these nudes are hotter than any from my wife!” Experts however expressed concern over the inclusion of a picture of a naked President Trump sent alongside the other racy images due to his incomprehensibly small penis that may make Earth less sexually appealing to intelligent lifeforms. At press time, NASA requested that Americans donate their own nudes by sending them to Defence Secretary Pete Hegseth on Signal.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @thrat, thank you!
From The Archives: Newest U.S. Aid Mission Just Single PowerBar Labeled ‘For Gaza’ Thrown Into Ocean
https://theonion.com/newest-u-s-aid-mission-just-single-powerbar-labeled-f-1851540802/
By The Wasted Onion: Two-Year-Old Violates Geneva Convention, Writes ‘I'll Do It Again’ With Crayon
SASKATOON, CANADA—Leaving his neighbourhood in shock after the discovery of his alleged war crimes, 2-year-old Timmy Barr was accused by his parents of violating the Geneva Convention before scrawling "I'll do it again” on the wall of the family living room in red crayon. “We loved our little Timmy with all of our hearts, but he’s a monster. An unfixable, unstoppable monster. My jaw was agape as I saw him blatantly violate such important international laws. Like, how does he not know them by now? He’s old enough to know them all, I’ve even been reading the Geneva Conventions as his bedtime story since he was a few months old,” said the toddler's mother before accusing her child of violating article 34 of the fourth Geneva Convention, which prohibits the taking of hostages. “See? Look! It's there in black and white, you can’t take hostages, yet we feel like we’ve been taken hostage by our devil of a son!” said Mr. Barr’s father while aggressively pointing at the article while shaking and seeming to be on the verge of a full mental breakdown. Timmy Barr then approached his father before finger painting “lol you’re old” on the coffee table. At press time, humanitarian experts had begun to debate whether the toddler was a more prolific alleged war criminal than Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @kiwi, thank you!
